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Big Hole

He has been dead now almost three months.

But i catch myself picking up my phone to call him. Or checking to see if there is a text from him when I wake up.

Silly things, like wondering if I should put the tea on to steep for when he comes in, and then remembering ...he isn't coming in.

My birthday just passed, and after being freaked out, I realized he has set an application to send me an ecard. But then it was like loosing him all over.

My cousin is gravely ill now, and it was my Cody I turned to for a houlder to cry on. He was MY rock. The one person I could be weak, and fragile with. The one that didn't need me to be strong. And there is no one there now.

I've felt him with me a few times, almost seeing, almost touching. But then I remember, how can I forget? And then it comes to be...

Where once I had love and warmth and laughter. Where not so long ago were arms that held me, and strong shoulders for me to lean on. Now there's a big hole.

I lost the love of my life. The one I had waited waited my lifetime for, is gone. I wonder if this big hole will fill in? But what is there that can possibly fill it?

So now I join the ranks of the half living, raw open wounds, ones that one sees. Ones that don't others think they don't exist.

I am one of them...half empty, half a soul, and a broken heart.

A big hole where my love used to be.

Toby2day Toby2day 51-55, F 9 Responses Dec 4, 2009

Your Response


Toby,<br />
I don't think I feel the exact pain you feel, but I know what it feels like have emptiness there. I know what it's like to expect all these daily routines to go on, but no one is there to do them for. I lost my love, but only to distance. He moved back to his home town to deal with having HIV. I never believed I would find the perfect one for me, but with him, I know I have. And now he's gone. Yes, it's only distance, but he's back with his ex. Having to know that you are no longer with him, instead someone else is filling your place is hard. I can only imagine what you are feeling. Keep your head up and just remember the times you had together. Eventually the void will be filled....I'm sure of it.

Pay careful attention to your dreams. If you see them and, it seems so real, it was.

thank you Lil Annie. I needed to hear that.

toby, I am so sorry. Such a huge loss to withstand. But, listen, this is how I coped after we lost my brother. I was going down for the count. But this possibility gave me the strength to put one foot in front of the other. There is that possibility that he knows what is going on with you, and is suffering because he feels bad for you but can't help you! You see? No, that will not do. You must be strong for him, to honor him, to show the universe what he has wrought here on earth, that such good love as his lives on, can still lift up and carry!!!!

most days I know that. but then there are the dark days I don't feel him at all.

My darling sis, he has shifted planes, but he's with you. In everything and everywhere. xxx

Lots and lots of Hugs!

good days and bad days...and sometimes hard to tell the difference.

Sorry I know the pain of loss