I Feel My Heart Will Always Be His

I met J when I was getting back on my feet from my divorce, approximately 5 months...he was or made me believe he really liked me. We started talking endlessly...he had become a fresh breath of air after being in a horrible marriage.

As things continued in our relationship he moved in with me...shortly after I noticed when he would go fill up my car with gas, $60 more would be Mia...then my medicine from a recent root canal was gone...I didn't know what was going on...I confronted him straight up and he told me the truth...I told him no more friends over, rehab and aa...he said he would do whatever he had to do to stay with me. He did so well in rehab during the day and our relationship was so intimate, not sexually, but well I can't explain. After becoming friends with a fellow heroin addict in rehab he and his friend shortly relapsed...I went through hell for the next two months....

He stole everything, copper from my piping, power tools, a guitar my dad bought me before he passed away. Anything with any value he took...after my family said no more I moved closer to my work so I could stay away because I didn't want to.

After losing my job I called him because I was so down and needed someone. He came up to stay for a couple of days until he found out a friend had overdosed and he wanted to go to his funeral. During this time we didn't have sex and stated we just wanted to see where things went...when I realized he had still been using I really couldn't wait for him to want to leave.

Two and half months later he contacted me...which is present day...we talked all day like it had been before when we were so intimate. I cried explaining to him my lifestyle choices had ended up allowing me to get pregnant and how I was so low and we both cried. The next day I went to see him....he was clean I could tell by his looks and voice. We both agreed we didn't want to be with anyone else but he knew that if I had been stern before it was only 100 x"s worse with having someone else to look after. He knew it was up to him to make it work and he knew my expectations....

Tonight, 3 days later I receive a message from his mom stating he was using again. Ugh my heart is hurting so much I am in tears. I am so in love with this man regardless of the **** he has put me through. I won't have anything to do with him while he is using...my heart aches to be with him but my head and family remind me that I wouldn't ever know when that relapse will happen and what he will do.

Will I ever let him go?! Is there hope?! I'm at a loss :(
continuallydancing continuallydancing
31-35, F
1 Response Sep 13, 2012

I met my current husband after I ended a 10 year marriage with my ex. He was a breath of fresh air for me...so I thought. It's been 18 months since we married (we married when I was 4 months pregnant) and it has been one thing after another. He's a habitual liar and I have no trust in him.

I don't know if it ever will come. He has started using and getting high (synthetic weed) and lying about it. All I've ever asked for is honesty.

This man has the key to my heart. He's captured it in a way no one else ever has. I believe we are soul mates. So, I can understand this feeling you have and I do hope the best will come for you.

I completely understand! J is in jail right now... He turned himself in on a warrant... First time he hasn't ran! I'm super proud of him. He desperately wants things to be different when he gets out but I know how hard it is without appropriate help.

I often catch hell because he is still in my life, however no one understands that he is my best friend, all he has to do is ask what is wrong and I ball my eyes out as I am having some slight complications with the pregnancy.

I will pray that God will heal your marriage and make it what it is intended to be!