Help Boyfriend Relapsed

i met him in January, and we hit it off perfectly-- I've been through my fair share of relationships and never ever experienced such a genuine, easy compatibility. I knew he had a long, complicated past with heroin addiction-- but he had done his time in and out of rehab, and was clear for a year and a half when we met (they say for recovering addicts to wait a year before getting into a romantic relationship).
I didnt want to go out with him at first despite our instant click and unshakeable bond-- I was scared of his past and scared of him using again. He promised me that he never would again-- and that he was straight. That was the promise that I required in order for us to officially start dating.

We just had the most amazing summer ever, so many wonderful times and memories shared, I've never been happier with anyone in my life. Towards the end of summer, his cool seasonal job ended, and he was back looking for more work (he lives with his parents by the way). As fall ushered in, I noticed he was depressed, and he knew he was too-- lots of sleeping, mopey, our sex life stopped and I began growing frustrated (to say that our sex life before was enviable is an understatement!)

I noticed he started getting sick, sweating a lot, problems sleeping, his family's home was devastated by Hurricane Sandy and it kind of tore the family apart as well.

Friday night I found an empty bag on the ground in my bathroom. I confronted him-- (in the past I'd say "your eyes look weird" or... "why are you always so tired and sleepy? even if ur depressed that it just too tired" and it'd always be followed by no im not on anything or im just tired). So i confronted him, and he said that looks old, i have no idea, maybe it was stuck to the bottom of my shoe-- I'm not stupid. I kept pressing and he admitted he broke down and did dope one week ago once. I freaked out, it was a catastrophe. He wants to get better, he wants to start going to NA meetings again (he was going to them when we first started dating but stopped, probably because I was the "answer", or his time with me replaced these meetings, everything suddenly for both of us always revolved around when we could hang out next).

At this point I was so heart broken that he lied to me repeatedly in front of my face instead of coming to me and saying "hey i have a problem, i really need ur help, you know im not doing well" etc. Basically he said he hid it from me for a week cuz he didnt want me to know or get hurt, he knew what he had to do to get back on the right track and he was going to do it.

he denied ever bringing dope into my home or doing it more than once last week (although i pressed because i honestly didnt believe that) Since this incident I've been hysterically crying and in bed for days unable to eat or do anything. I'm so miserable, betrayed, hurt, angry, still inlove, sad, so many emotions that shift every 2 seconds. I feel like a basket case. Everyone is saying walk now while u can, u cant make a life with someone who has this kind of sickness because it will always be there and there is no guarantee that he can give me.

This morning I finally got him to admit, after so much insisting, that he had been on dope for "a week and a half" (who knows, at this point, i wouldn't be surprised if it was longer). I freaked--- I had given him from Friday to Tuesday to tell me, kept asking saying "Just tell me, I need to know the truth, I won't judge", and he KEPT LYING! Finally today he admitted it and i was crushed. Because for me, the relapse although upsetting isnt the worst-- it's the lying. I spent the past month or two trying to be the best girlfriend I can-- massages, cheering him up cuz hes always depressed, cooking him amazing meals all the time etc-- and this is what I get.

He wants me to stay by his side because he says he knows what he needs to do to get better. He said he strayed off the path but wants to get back on, and wants to be clean and happy and normal. His only dream is to be with me.

I am so beside myself, I was sure that this was my soulmate, he still thinks we are, I would love to believe we are but I just don't think soulmates can lie to each other, I'm so crushed I feel like I've lost the most important person to me, like my baby. We're still texting and talking, but he is taking a week and I'm taking a week because I need to process my feelings-- I don't know if I can ever forgive him, I'm so incredibly devastated, my life is shattered.

I offered to be there as a friend and to support (his parents are done supporting him with this problem because they've already dealt with it and are dealing with the fact that they lost their home in Hurricane Sandy) but he feels it would be too hurtful to just be friends. I want to believe in him so bad. I want to believe in us, in my dream of our home by the water with our beautiful kids, growing old together-- this was all I'd think about all day every day and now it's shattered-- I'm beside myself. I want to stay with him because I want to believe, I want to help, I want to support and I want us to have the life of our dreams. That's what my heart says. My head says there is no way you can make a life with a man like this, he isnt strong and independent on his own, and he WILL do this to me again. He promises he wont, but I cant believe because there is NO trust left. My head says to leave but I really just can't, my heart is in so much pain. I've only been able to talk to a few insightful girlfriends but I can't talk to my parents, I'm sure they would be appalled and tell me to leave him.
This was my little angel, my little baby, he meant everything to me, I am so shattered by his actions and behavior, I cant believe he would ruin such a magical bubble we had together. We've been together for almost a year (it'd be a year in January) and I really saw a future with him. There is just no room in my future for heroin if he "hits rock bottom" again after being depressed like what just happened this time...He already went to one NA meeting and he said it felt good and I think it helped him out, but now that I know he was on dope for longer I'm sure (by having doing research about all this **** cuz I need to understand and I never had experience with this before) he needs to go to rehab, but has no money or insurance..  Please help i am ripped to shreds and in so much pain
pisces314 pisces314
2 Responses Nov 27, 2012

So much of what you're going through rings true for me. I also met and fell in love with a recovering addict who recently relapsed for what he claims was about 2 weeks. He has been clean for the past week and a half. Every day is a struggle. for both of us. The broken trust, the guilt, the lies... that doesn't just go away. and the competition between rational understanding of addiction and wanting to have hope and love and keep this person around is intense.

I can't tell you what the answer is. I can tell you I chose to stay. I gave my boyfriend one chance, that so far he has done well with. If he does another shot, I'll leave him. (and I know what a distinct possibility that is). Even if he doesn't relapse, I can tell you that I look at the future of our relationship in a completely different way now. As much as I want hope back and our future back, I dont know if this is the right answer. if this was the right choice.

Good luck.

You need to back the **** off and quit pretending like you know the right thing to do, when clearly you don't. First off, stop making this all about you. Is this post just a ploy to gain sympathy for the "hell" he has put you through, or are you really a concerned girlfriend who wants to help her boyfriend out? I don't know, I don't know you. What I do know is that, although I understand you are upset and taken off guard, don't you think you are making it a little more dramatic than it needs to be? Instead of crying in bed and feeling sorry for yourself, decide if you are strong enough to stand by your man, or if you see him as terminally sick and unreliable and therefore unable to be a good partner. He does need your support right now, but not another source of guilt.