Hope For The Heroin User And His Girlfriend?

My boyfriend was clean 9 months when I met him. After 3 of the most wonderful, bliss-filled months together, he relapsed. He was days away from a year of sobriety. He used infrequently for a week and a half, but I had no idea since we do not live together and are not the type of couple that is in constant communication (we both recognize that a healthy relationship mean trust and having identities as individuals).

I saw him high once. He acted really differently and when he couldn't perform sexually, I knew something was wrong. I asked repeatedly if he was on a heavy drug, but he said he wasn't. The most honest person I've ever met lied to me that day. I knew something was off, so when we found a burnt spoon on the bookshelf of his best friend (also a 'recovered' addict), I realized he must have relapsed too.

I called him and he (high, of course) confirmed that he was using again. I was devastated, but when he asked me if I would say if he didn't do another shot and recommitted to getting clean, I said yes. He quit cold turkey that night, and he went through painful withdrawal for about a week. It has now been 3 weeks since he used, and it's still a really bumpy road.

Some days are just really hard: the broken trust, the guilt, the reality of his disease. But I love this person and could honestly spend the rest of my life with him.

I need to know that there's hope. That even though this is a terrible drug, people can get their lives back. I need to know that he could have a future, and we could maybe even have a future together. He is making some big changes in his life.. so much renewal: a new job, new motivation, new meaning. He started therapy in addition to NA meetings and seems to genuinely want to follow through this time.

Am I so stupid for staying? Should I abandon my hopes of rebuilding this relationship?
Kate1994 Kate1994
18-21, F
4 Responses Nov 28, 2012

Hi Kate,
I went through a very similar experience with my now ex boyfriend. I was madly in love with him, a love stronger than I'd ever felt before. I knew he was a recovering heroin addict and that he had a past full of demons including 4 years in jail. But I overlooked all of that and loved him for who he was in the present, not the past. But history always repeats itself. He relapsed on heroin 6 weeks into our relationship. One morning I drive him to a friends house, waited outside and when he came back he was so disoriented and acting strange- I knew he was high. I brought him home and he told me he relapsed but that he would go to a detox center the next day and get help. This began a terrible cycle, he'd get high for days sometimes even weeks and I'd bring him to detox centers or help him detox at home then he'd give up and go use again. I thought I could save him, I thought that our love was so strong that it could beat his addiction. They can't all be saved. I put him before myself and wound up losing almost everything. My car, my life's savings, my self worth. Drug addicts are extremely manipulative, I didn't realize it while I was dating him but now I know that he was emotionally abusive. He forced me to do things I never thought I'd ever think of doing, buying an selling drugs for him, robbing houses, lying to my family. I've always been a good girl, the successful girl whose got her head on her shoulders so how could I be wrong about dating this guy? I thought I was smart enough to know when to leave, strong enough to leave him and stand up for myself. But men like him will take the smartest, strongest woman and turn her into a weak desperate girl with a broken spirit. Eventually my parents forced me to stop seeing him. Weeks later after secretly continuing to see him, I broke up with him. I had to save my self from being ruined completely by him. i had to end the abuse. He begged and pleaded with me to take him back, and when that didn't work he threatened me. But I stayed strong somehow and found the will to fight for myself and keep him out of my life. I had heard dozens of stories from my mother, aunts, and friends about how thy dated drug addicts and how it ruined their lives or nearly ruined thier lives. I never listened to them cause I thought that would never happen with my boyfriend, I thought he would break free of his addiction an that our story would be different. The sad truth is that they are all the same. The sweetest guy on earth can turn into a monster of he is an addict. It's incredibly hard to leave someone like that, but find the stregnth inside of you to leave him before its too late.

My family gave me support and love that I needed in order to find the strength to finally stand up for myself and leave him. I have twin brothers two years younger than me and when they found about my boyfriend's addiction one of them came to me with tears in his eyes and said "You don't deserve that, you deserve so much better. I love you", my other brother couldn't bring himself to talk to me cause he was so afraid that I was gonna get hurt or end up dead and he didn't want to lose me. I could see the heartbreak in my parents eyes when they saw what this guy was doing to me. So, I thought about my family and how I will always have their love no matter what- I didn't need my boyfriend in order to feel loved (I still believed he truly loved me at the time). Leaving him was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but it would have been harder to lose my family.

No you're not stupid..you care about this person...the problem will be the trust issue, as you know, and i know (my son is addicted)....the lies far outweigh the truths. As long as he truly is trying, then stick by him....but you must realize, if it ever gets to the point where he's hiding from you and continues to use...you probably should back away for awhile, for your own sanity

I totally know what your going through. I am going through the same. I don't think your stupid for staying... your courageous. I know this is a hard road for not only for him but yourself also. Your doing a great job. And for abandoning your hopes of building the relationship has to come from yourself sometimes people get to the point where they feel like they just cant do it anymore and they have to let go but if you feel like you can stick through it do it. Do whatever is best for yourself. What ever is going to make you the best person you are. If you need someone to talk to I'm always here. Best of luck!

Hey, I think you are so brave. i am a believer in second changes and getting over an addiction is difficult. and I also believe difficult is not impossible. Your man needs support. and you running away isnt fair to him. Because if someone cant be with u in your toughest times then they sure as hell dont deserve u at your best. So if u believe you deserve this man at his best you are going have to sacrifice and fight this addiction with him. Nothing is impossible so many people beat addiction. all the best to u and yours

Thank you so much for the support! You're right.. I realized that loving this person and wanting them as a part of my future means accepting their flaws into my life as well. I'm willing to do this because he is so honest and because I love him so much. I really believe in him and that recovery (although a bumpy road) is possible! At the end of the day, all relationships in your life end except one: Marriage. As much as I know I risk getting hurt in this, the truth is that every relationship will most likely end with sad feelings. At least I know what I'm up against here, and I'm 100% positive that the risk is with it in this relationship with a truly exceptional individual :)