Help... Hope Has Faded

I fell in love with a recovering heroin addict who relapsed 4 months ago. I broke up with him 2 months ago. I didn't want to leave him, I had never felt so much love for one person as I did for him, but I had to leave for my own safety and well-being. He became abusive after relapsing on heroin, cocaine, and benzos. It started as emotional abuse and escalated to physical at times.
I had to get a restraining order against him. I think about him all the time, I wonder how he is doing and I think of all the memories I have with him.
I am so lonely and deeply depressed. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. I lost all hope and faith. How can the love of my life be ripped away from me by some drug just like that?? How did I, a straight A college student with a good girl reputation let myself even get into this situation? How am I ever suposed to go on knowing that the love of my life is out there but I can't have him? I know he still loves me. I broke his heart when I left, and I tore him apart when I got the restraining order but I had to. The drugs make him unpredictable and unsafe. Yet all I can think about is how amazing and wonderful he was before he started using. How even when he was using, he still was this amazing, sweet, passionate man... just not all the time.
Tell me there is hope that I'll move on. Tell me I'll find a love as deep and strong as that again. Tell me the pain goes away. I can't bear it anymore.
physicsgirl physicsgirl
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 9, 2012

I'm sorry for this...i understand, i am the mother of a drug addict. My son is addicted to heroin as well...he will not take my calls or answer my texts right now...he's so deeply troubled..Do you have any contact with him at all? you know if he's getting help? or trying?