How Do I Stop Loving Him?

Six years ago I met the Man of my dreams.  After a horrible divorce, I was recovering and raising my daughters just fine on my own.  I was not looking to fall in love, but God had better plans.  This man, now my husband, came into my life and wanted nothing more than for me to be happy.  He loved my children with all of his heart.  I knew that he had a past, but he had been clean for three years.   Little did I know that the precentage rate of addicts staying clean is so low.  He was a dream come true.  He made me feel as if I were the only woman alive.  

  The first time he "went missing" I was devostated.  I did not want to believe that he was using.  His parents told me that they were positive that he was, but I was in denial .  I found him in a sleezy hotel, all alone, with crack pipes and beer.  I brought him home and nursed him back to sobriety.  After the withdrawls passed we lived a pretty normal life again.  Then 3 months later it happened again.  This time he stayed gone for 2 weeks.  The same thing happed, and I drove all over the ghetto looking for him.  I found him, and followed the same steps as above.  The next time he left, he was gone for 2 1/2 months and ended up spending 20,000.00 dollars. 

  His father ended up turning him in to his probation officer.  We had to do something or he was going to overdose.  He was sent to a Mens Christian rehab and everything looked great.  He was clean for about 4 months  this time. I thought that we were in the clear because it had been 4 months this time.  I was very wrong.!  THe next time he ended up stealing all of his parents computers at work and even trading his truck for crack.  He  got busted and was sent to prison for 11 months.  I stayed with him and was supportive of his recovery.

To make a VERY long story short he has been locked up twice spent over 50,000.  dollars on crack and hotels and is back at it again now.  I know that for the saftey of me and my daughters that I have to break away from him now.  The problem is that I do not know how to do that task . I love him so deeply and i want to see him clean and happy.  He does deserve that.  But on the other had so do Me and my children .  If anyone has any ideas on how I can stop loving him so much or even how to seperate myself from him please let me know. Than you fro reading.  

lwalker1011 lwalker1011
26-30, F
28 Responses Feb 12, 2010

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I'm also with a man I love and have been for 1.5 yrs...He is a good man but his addiction to crack will forever hinder him and therefore, me. I even actually pity him a little and feel like he is a baby who doesn't know better in regards to all the messed up things in our relationship. It's very one sided because he takes more than he gives. However my boyfriend is almost always home. He sometimes goes out to hustle 2 or 3 nights a week but half the time that's just for $ to smoke. N he smokes in the bathroom. He never gets ahead but I know he wants to. He grew up in a family with aunts n uncles on crack...now he is a black man who is also addicted to crack for the last 7 yrs of his life n he is only 30. :( it's heart aching to know who he would b without crack...it's so hard to leave him even though he has even hit me several times. I sent him 2 jail for 3 months n then just took him back. He started smoking again the next day even though insisted he was done with that. Now I know if I don't leave he will trap me into that sad life. I don't like this life. I need happiness and goals. Not drugs and empty unobtainable wishes. I deserve better but so does he. But I can only control myself. And I know I need to b done and stay done. I've tried to start counseling to help me leave but 2 times have never shown up to start my appointments. Maybe one day soon I will. One day when I really want to leave him...because he is my addiction.

My bf of 8 years and a father of our 13 month old son is also a crack addict, his 39. No matter how much he has lied, how many times we have moved because he always fall behind on rent and got evicted, how many cars he has crashed, left me with no food, money. How many times I had to give him my earned money to pay off drug dealers in Gary, IN. Multiple times I asked him to take me with to pay them off I would write down the address and maybe one day calling the police on them, but never did. He would work so hard the whole week and once the weekend came he was no where to be found. Saturday was our friends birthday, we could come because we only had one car and he was missing. All of our friends already know what it means when he is missing. They ended up coming at 4 am and getting me and my son out of the house because they had enough.. Sunday came and after some talk, i decided to have my brother call my parents to come and get me. I prayed this day would never come. I told him so many times If I go back to my parents there is no way going back.. My parents told me to leave him 7 years ago, and I told them no I am going to be with him, they do not know about his addiction. Got a call on Tuesday from a hospital that he has been in an accident on Saturday. I decided not to talk to him I only do to his mom, she is sending him to a half way house for the 6 time. I feel so sorry for him, cause he is a great person, he has the best and the worst in him. I am living back with my parents who are so happy I am back, they said they know all along I was not happy, I am not as pretty they said, he ruined their little girl. I have a big heart, I always forgave him and took care of him. I can recall 6 years of hell for me, people would look fwd for the weekend I wish that weekend would never come. I have not talked to him for a week now. I have our son with and it tears me to pieces his second son is going through what his first son did. Starting all over sucks. I would feel better is my parents were a little more understanding, they hate him so much for what he has done,. they say if I ever go back to him I can forget calling them my parents. I don't know how this is going to end or begin.

I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. I have been with my man for a year and a half, we had about 3 months of normalcy before he fell back into the drugs. It has gotten worse and worse. he has been gone for 2 weeks, and been begging to come back the whole time, but I cannot let him. When we first met he was on parole and went back to jail for 3 months and I stood by him, but as time has gone on things have gotten worse and worse. He has lost 25lbs in 2 weeks. My heart aches so badly to watch him kill himself. i just can't take it any longer, waking up and he's gone, not coming home at night, never getting ahead because everytime we go do he goes on a bender and spends what we have saved. He is blaming me for all of it, it is my fault that he can't stop getting high because I won't let him come home, but i spent 4 days trying to get him to stop before I asked him to leave and I have spent the last 2 weeks begging him to go to treatment and if he does we can work things out. I just found out yesterday that he has been hanging out with another addict that is a woman, and believe in my heart it is more than just friends. I cannot be with a cheater. If he had gone and gotten help I would have tried with him again, but I cannot take the pain of knwoing he is with someone else and taking him back. I cannot live my life always catering to him because if I don't, he will just go on a binger, and if i won't be around him he will just find someone else. I feel like I can't get a breath of fresh air. I tried so hard for so long to get him to change. I can't let him guilt me into being with him. But I am in the same position.................how do I stop loving him, worrying about him, and how do Imake the pain go away

I feel your pain im with you on everything you have said . The same stuff has happened to me with the love of my life

I have recently left again after 9 years together and young children. Each time I left before was because of his drug use but he would always beg for us back and i woiuld always return for the sake of the children and also he was my bestfriend (even with all the lies)
However two months ago we agreed that the relationship should end. I couldn't live with the drug use and lies. He couldn't live without it and also the feeling of guilt was too much so was easier for him to not look in my eyes again.
The pain I felt is indescribable, the worry for that person and the silent prayers are endless, but let me tell you since i Left with the children in 2 months he has been drinking everynight, was using but not sure if he it at the moment as low a behold he got someone else to keep our bed warm, and took a picture of them using my camera! The photos of me in the house were gone and his NA books were hidden too. I left a little note saying he may be able to smoke and drink away the memories but he can never hide from the truth. He is on a downfall and at the bottom it will not be me to break the fall if indeed anyone, I have the children and it aboit time they came first!

If the safety and health of your daughters isn't enough, then man I guess they are screwed till they can get away from you both.

I no theses post are old but I've been matried to an addict for 3 yrs and finally decided to walk away...he broke my leg...would steal my car and money and would sell our things....leave for days....that turned into weeks which ended in months....he started stealing from high price stores and sold it on the streets and geting in trouble with law more and more..I would nurse him back to being sobber but he would never stay he ran right back to the streets. I never would have thought in a million years that he was using heiron since he was.17and will be 27 this year..he would even leave our babies in the house bybtheir selves just to get high. And now im trying to get my life back in order and trying to stay away from him but im.always the one he calls on every time he gets hisself into mess I'm the one that suffers I'm so tired of this life with him...I been sleeping with my keys and my big wallet in bra every time he is around....he always finds me no matter where I go I want outvof this marriage I've done everything possible to help him but its not enough nothing is enough and trying to be a wife to an addic. Is impossible

<p>It is heart breaking situation I am there with you, I am not sure how old are you but things don't change you have to love yourself enough to release the burden that you cannot change any one but yourself <br />
and move on. Do not make the mistake I made I have been with my husband for 25 years and he just got worst over the years. I wish I have made that choice a long time ago but now in my 50' s I am finally am.</P>

i tell you a way that i found helped me so much :
1. surround your self with your best friends so he stay out of your mind (have fun)
2. this may sound not helpful but always listen to strong and impairing music delete all of the sad songs or love songs… (helps so much)

and one more thing if he really loved u he would not ever make u go trough all that ...
hope it can help you …

After your divorce you might had a low self esteem, and you were searching for someone who is better than your ex. But you cannot find just equal or worse partner if you are living with low self esteem. You have found yourself in a situation with the secound. I reccommend you group theraphy, and to stay away from him, because it seems that you tried everything to solve HIS life. I also advice you to re-think the whole story with him from point to point. You tried to solve his life instead of solving YOURS, so you got into trouble. HE became more important than YOURSELF, and your life, CHILDREN, and menthal SAFETY, and security. Belive that you can change someone else's life like this is only exist in a fairy-tale. You thought you can safe your life trough "saving" him. And you kept trying it alhough it seemd helpless. Menthal science call this co-dependency. Open a new page, even if it seems hard after it you "wasted" ages with him. But these efforts were not a waste, you learned many things people usually don't who had no relationship with a drug addict.

I just read your story and Im in a similar position accept I realized that that thing between his legs isnt the most important thing in the world. you know deep down that if he didnt have a penis you wouldnt be there with him supporting him. look at it this way. think about your children. now imagaine your children all grown up and remebering the memories they had with mom. are they going to be good memories or is mom so busy with the addict that they dont exist. its damaging to the kids. Break free and research addicts online and educate yourself about it. you cannot by back the time lost with your kids. addicts are consumed by something that had taken control over thier brain. they cannot love you because they dont love themselves. its a rollercoaster of a ride. If you stay with him that means you are weak and need to get help from a professional because your an unfit mother. If you want to beak free from him just cut him out altogether and think about the good things about yourself . your kids need a stron mom . do you want your kids to repeat this when they grow up because you taught them nothing. Its time to grow up. I know you think hes the best man you ever had in bed and no man compares but he is just using you. think of him like a vampire. he is good at what he does to get what he wants. deep down when your not around he thinks your a sucker. He does have feelings in their but he living a dormant life and that means that when he started the addiction at whatever age. he stayed at that age. so he never grew up because his brain never matured while it was in a dormant state meaning he was high. the brain cant mature while its high 24/7. do your research. I lived this nightmare and I know there is better men out thier . just be careful next time . dont jump into bed with them right away. get to know him inside and out. make sure he he doesnt have a past or any secrets. show your kids that your in control and that your strong. read dr phil books about family and basically any of his books are good. read all the self help books you can. in the future you will be able to sleep better at night and your kids will respect you. I wish you all the best and be strong its not hard. just stop talking and look the part until the words of a strong person come out. :)

My story goes back 20 years. I never dreamed it would end up the way it has. He has had these problems with addiction his whole life. Stealing, lying, hating, abusing, manipulating.I am nothing more than supply. For years I ignored my needs, the needs of my kids out of fear of the unknown without him. When he was good he was great. I was crazy nuts in love with him. I thought in a way we were indestructible. I knew he had addiction issues. I knew that and I was willing to battle that for love. But now it seems there is a whole new level of darkness that he is capable of. His addiction to a fantasy with an ex from decades ago, has derailed us. Also it seems he has explored prostitutes. he rages. He cries. He has alienated every one except for those that give him permission to take no responsibility and join him in destructive behavior. These people do not want his true happiness, and maybe he does not love me. That seems to be it in a nutshell. Ive ignored signs attributing it all to mental illness and addiction. But I think part of his battle is he does not love me and maybe never did. His lack of concern for his children is astounding. But the people he seems to want so much around him are not healthy and do not really care about what is best for him. They dont want him to have all he has with family and a wife that goes beyond devoted, because no one wants to give it to them. I do not want to love him anymore!!!!! How do I make it stop. The entourage of memories and emotions feels almost like I've had an amputation and I'm not sure how things got so bad so fast. He was arrested for assault, he went crazy one night, said the most vile things to me in front of the kids and naturally I am to blame. We have been having really bad fights lately. He pushes my buttons, and I his. We know how to hurt each other. My anger and pain is mammoth. I know things he doesnt know I know, and he continues to not be truthful about the one thing that could make all the difference. If he is lying to himself and stays in his own world of denial, he is lost forever. I will love him always, miss him forever, no closure. But I must move on. How do I stop feeling what I feel??He does not deserve it!!! At all!!!

Does it ever stop hurting that you did everything for this person and they choose drugs over you? I'm so hurt I cant imagine it ever getting better.All I do is cry that he left me because I required him to be sober. I feel like it hurts me more to leave him for using. I tried everything and in the end my actions were useless. Him and all his using friends think im a bad person for being on him to stay sober. Sometimes I felt like a monster. I left my fiancé for him and after a year of battling to stay clean, he dumps me cuz im no fun and he swears i controll him. I did, but when I did everything was good or so I believed. I changed my number and blocked him. I desperately wish I could snap my fingers and stop loving him and caring about him...as he doesnt care about me at all. It hurts so much.

I am so thankful I found this forum today. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face as I read your courageous posts. I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate your words. They have provided that crag in this mountain to grab on to as I attempt to scale it.

I am in love with the most wonderful, sparkly, kind, beautiful man I still consider to be blessed to have ever met. I know he loves me too. No one has ever put up with my junk the way he has. The good has been wonderful but the bad has been torment. After about a year of hard struggles with lies, deception, forgiveness, providing supports in every aspect of his life including financial, I have made a decision to not let him back in. When I met him he was struggling with losing his mother to suicide and not being able to see his young son due to not being able to pass a drug test. What I got from the relationship was acceptance of me as I am and admiration of me as a person, lots of affection in exchange for a stable home life, alot of love and support. The last time I took the key and "kicked him out" he confessed he has been using again and has used throughout our relationship. He had drugs at my house! I felt that the confession was a means of coming clean and starting over. I worked on my forgiveness, discussed a plan of recover with him and started over (again). One week later he had another all-nighter. The next week, it happened again. I have become so full of angst and anxiety, I have had to get medical attention. I'm not a dumb person and I know what's going on. I just don't want to give up hope. How can such a wonderful, smart, beautiful person give up everything for cocaine and crack? I just don't understand. I struggle so much with just trying to understand. It's maddening! I've always put him on a pedestal for all of his awesome qualities. Why can't he believe that about himself?

I know I have do be strong. I will be reading what you have to say and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Your story comforts me that I leave him and quit my engagement with him. Hope you already got the courage to love yourself and your children more by leaving that chaotic life with him. God never fail to give you the strength to do so.

I know your mental pain... I am in the same situation now...looking for a way out...I need help desperately...so tired of crying and worrying...

Thank you for sharing! If anyone who was not familiar with addction read this, they would probably say something like "that's crazy!" I am familiar, however, have loved a man for 2 and 1/2 years and have 2 + 1 on the way children with him (twins for the first 2 I might add). He has suffered from a lengthy addiction to opioids. Currently he is in a drug treatment court program he was fortunate to get into after he committed a crime due to his addiction. He has to drug test, alcohol test, go to NA meetings, group counseling and report to probation officers pretty much every day of the week. It is intense but it has proven amazing so far, although he did have a slip up a few months ago. I have noticed its in hard times he might fall to his addiction; I was diagnosed with lung cancer last May and had surgergy to remove part of my lung. It was then that he stole some of my prescription pain killers and was sentenced to 45 days in rehab. I look back and all the "drama", similar in ways to your story, and wonder why I stay. I have every ability to move on and find someone clean and level-headed. But I love him dearly, he is a great parent and he loves me so much, I just KNOW he does because he does when he is clean for periods of time. I wonder if I could handle his addiction long-term though, like 10 years down the road, the kids will be older but do I want to worry about and take care of him; I suppose only time will tell but there will always be love. I know part of my initial attraction to him was thinking I could "help" him. Even though I haven't, the court has and I still worry he isn't doing it for himself; again only time will tell.

Your love for him is why you must leave. I cry with every story I read. I too met the love of my life three years ago. It's hard to describe... just so perfect and lovely and passionate and everything women imagine. My mom has been a great help to me. She and my dad have never denied my love for him but at the same time are honest with me that "my love" isn't enough. I was close to giving up time with my daughter, my family and me. Addiction is powerful, clever, manipulative, overpowering at times. . It too is "Love" to the addicted one. No matter how much we love and support, we don't have the answers.

I am recently on my own again, starting over, in an apartment with my daughter (she is 16) and taking one day at a time. Your experience is intense and you are a brave woman to help him. Be brave now and help yourself. If love is important to you, man/woman love, it will find you again in your life. Or, just "be" as my dear Mom would say. Just "be".

I always tell my sweetheart that I love him and will love him forever. It's part of a greater conversation though. One where I say that I won't live with him or be his love partner anymore. I won't go down because of his addictions. My Mom used the term "bitter-sweet" and it is so perfect. I love him, will always love him, but I have no control over his addiction. Until the people we love take the first step and embrace that they are powerless and want help, the cycle continues again and again.

One thing I believe is important. Our addicted lovers aren't bad people. Their love for us is genuine. If you put the love you have in one protected place in your heart, then put the addiction on the table in your reality, I believe it will help.

My prayers are with you.

Heather

Praying for you.

Thank you for your story..for me it is a peace of mind to know I haven't gone through these things alone. I was fortunate to not have children with the man I was with. You have the desire to make it and you have your children to love and think of. You will make it but you have to do it without him. It doesn't mean you wish bad for him it simply means right now your not good for one another. Just like I was, because you take him back no matter how long inbetween it is you become an enabler. Break the pattern and stop being that for his sake and most importantly for you and the kids. Good luck I know this road is long and hard. You'll make it!!

please believe me when i tell you it will not change i did it for a eleven years and in the end heart broken and broken as a person i had to go,,just remember you can not fix people get out now.

Therapy also helps. I've been going since June. My bf CJ is a drug addict (10+ years) and I have never touched the crap.<br />
<br />
I have yet to go to alanon meetings because they're so late in the evening and I have a night job... He's now in another state living with his parents, but it doesn't make much of a difference... He's still in my heart.<br />
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Save your children, get away from him... You won't stop loving him, but you need to quit enabling him otherwise your children will follow your steps regarding poor relationship choices and that's a scary thought!

You are not a bad person because you love a drug addict,, I am a succesfull woman who owns her own busness and beuatiful in the eyse of many, But the love of my life is a drug addict, ( unknown to me at first) He has a great personality, is fun to be around can be very helpful is intelligent and we get along great...Accept he's a drug addict. I had to let go of him because after a million promises I realize thats all they were... Now I feel like Im the addict trying to break free of him, Its hard but go to alanon meetings and take it one day at a time

Excellent post that I needed to have reinforced.

Don't even try to stop loving him. Start loving yourself and your children. And get help to learn that the most loving thing you can do for him is get out of his way so he has to face his own consequences without you making it more pleasant and easier for him. Your story is again one I could sign my own name to and a wasted six years of life. Take small steps for yourself and give yourself credit for seeing that you need to change how you deal with things. That deserves an applause. <br />
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Love is being real. Sometimes what we have to do looks as if it will hurt and not heal. But if you break the support of his sickness he will have more of a chance to turn. The sooner the better because these crack habbits are neurological and become deeply ingrained. You cannot face his demons he must. Don't give up your love give up your dependence on what happens to him for your own well being. Drugs or no drugs that is always disasterous.<br />
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Your worthiness is not dependent upon his dependence on you.

Thanku this is so well said . Im in love with an addict my story is different i left this man for 10 years for the crack addiction he had. I thought he was clean and he was for awhile when we first got back together . we have a 2 year old son together . im writing this becuase he did not come home tonight . Im so very sad. My fear is trying to find a place to live and go with my son. Leaving is the hardest when you love someone so much. But your words are right on.

I wish I could tell you or you could tell me how to stop loving him. I am married to the love of my life, who is an addict. We married Jan 2010 after dating for a year. I never have used drugs, nor have I known anyone who has used them. It was a long year of dating. I experienced the most hurt I could imagine, I put him in rehab, I took him back against better judgement, all for love. I broke up with him for 2 months before we got engaged. When I took him back, he said he had been clean and was ready for our new life. I believed him, that is the sad thing! One week before our wedding, he went on a binge. I still married him, thinking it was his last time! Boy, was I wrong. 8 days after we married, he took off, took all the money out of our bank account and I was just dead. He continued to get clean for a week or two, binge, get clean, etc. I finally kicked him out after 6 months of marriage to save myself and my 5 children and 1 stepson any more misery! But, we are still married and I still love him. To this day he says he is clean. Says it is my fault for kicking him out, and the list continues. He wants me back, but is set on still drinking when he wants, not working unless he feels as if he likes the job, etc. <br />
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I will say you can't save him. And here is what makes me say it. Last week, 2 days before Christmas, I buried my sister in law. She was 34 and an addict. She has sprialed down for 2 years on pills and etc, and now she leaves behind my brother and a daughter. My husband attended the funeral, somewhere in the crowd. And still it didn't ring any reality in for him!!! <br />
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I realized I cannot save him until he wants to be saved. I pray daily that God helps me stop loving him so that I can finally be happy. I will keep you in my prayers, also.

What is making you think that you and your girls don't deserve to be healthy ad happy this is killing you and you cannot save him. <br />
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Leaving him will come from your acknowledgment of self love. I am also trying to leave an addict, It is only through self love and GOD that you will be able to do this! <br />
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At least that is what everyone is telling me....I still long to save him deep down.... through love and I know it because I am always along for this crazy ride!

You can't just stop loving someone. Sometimes I wish it was possible.