... And I'll Love Him Forever

     I have loved a drug addict for seven years this June.  We met in 2003 shortly after I graduated from high school.  I was coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship and although I had supportive friends and family, I lacked self confidence and was generally unhappy with myself.  I'll never forget the day I met him. I was riding back passengers seat in a friend's car when I noticed a guy dancing up the main street of my small hometown.  Although I did find him physically attractive, physicalities were not the the first thing that drew me to him.  I sensed a light, a radiating happiness that ultimately caught my attention.  I was just about to point him out to my friends when the driver whipped the car into a parking lot and waved for his attention.  He was introduced to me as a long time friend of my friend's boyfriend that had returned to town after spending several years traveling throughout the country.  It was my first and only experience to date with love at first sight.     

     Our relationship blossomed quickly.  Two weeks after we met he told me he loved me.  Despite my tendencies towards skepticism, I believed him.  I loved him too.  The next two and a half years were easily the happiest of my life.  He was the funniest, kindest, most open hearted man I had ever met.  He taught me to lighten up, to love and believe in myself.  Every day he told me I was the most beautiful and amazing woman in the whole world and I began to believe it.  I morphed from the depressed, self hating girl that I was to the confident and unstoppable woman I feel I am today.  My friends and family loved him.  He was the kind of person that I could take anywhere.  I remember a fourth of July party that I took him to.  He knew no one and I knew everyone very well.  By the time we left, every person at that party probably loved him more than me.  He had this amazing ability to make people feel special without making me feel less important.  Through example, he taught me the importance of helping others.  While out in the downtown area of my college town one evening, he gave his brand new tennis shoes to a homeless man who had none.  As he walked home barefoot with me, he told me that material objects didn't matter, that all we need is love.  He was the single most supportive person I have ever had in my life.  When I was depressed about weight gain or some other superficial concern, he assured me that he loved me no matter what.  When my best friend committed suicide and I was asked to speak at her funeral, he ran up from the back row to hold my hand when I started sobbing mid speech.  I never would have been able to finish it without him.

     The last year it all began to fall apart.  Although I had been aware of his drug use, I shrugged it off as desire to dabble.  After all, I dabbled myself.  One day I pulled a dirty needle out from behind a couch cushion and confronted him immediately.  He admitted that he had been using heroin off and on since he was 15.  He became tearful, said that he had been using daily for several months and expressed fear that he would loose me.  I suggested rehab to which he agreed readily and I assured him that I would love him no matter what.  He was in and out of rehab three times that year.  After his last stint in rehab, he promised me that he was done with the drug.  He said that all he needed was our love and to prove it he proposed.  I said yes.  Two weeks later he relapsed again.  Although I encouraged rehab and counseling and assured him that I still wanted to be with him, I could tell he was loosing faith.  In six weeks he pulled a complete 180 on me.  He started lying to me and stealing from me.  Despite his prior problems with addiction, he had never done this before.  I became suspicious and angry all the time.  Finally, I had to do something that I had never done before.  I gave him an ultimatum.  It was either me or heroin and he left.  

     Two months after the breakup he was arrested for armed robbery.  He help up a convenience store at broken pellet gun point.  He told me later that he was trying to get enough money to obtain enough drugs to overdose and kill himself.  When the police went to arrest him, he lead them on a four hour car chase.  After ditching his truck and a lengthy pursuit on foot, police finally caught him.  He was sentenced to six years.  The arrest came as a much greater blow to me than the breakup.  I guess I had always assumed that he would work it out and that we would eventually end up back together.  His arrest felt like the end to me.  It was almost as if he had died.  Letters began coming two weeks into his incarceration.  He apologized profusely for what he had put me through during the past year and wished that he could take it all back.  Although the letters were riddled with sadness, his optimism and strength showed through.  He said that his arrest was a blessing in disguise, that he could have died and that he would take the experience and use it to make him stronger.  He never asked me to wait for him but assured me that he loved me no matter what.

     He will have put in four of his six years this fall.  At first I wrote him often convinced that he was the one.   It took me two years to even so much as look at another man.  Suddenly I realized that I was turning down all kinds of opportunities to remain close to him.  I grew immensely angry with myself for limiting my abilities for a man that I didn't t know that I could ever trust again.  I started dating again.  Despite the two letters a week he sent me, I stopped writing back and did my best to forget about him.  I haven't forgotten about him yet.  Last week I moved to the opposite side of the country to be with a man that I have been in a long distance relationship with for the past eight months.  Although I love him very much and would do anything for him, I am still in love with my ex.  It drives me wild that I compare everything that my boyfriend does to what my ex would have done.  It drives me wild that I feel compelled to document the love I had while my boyfriend is working to pay our bills.  I have never been able to stop thinking about my ex and I will never stop loving him.  

     I am very lucky.  Not only do I have the pleasure of currently being a part of an amazing man's life, I was blessed enough to love and be loved by my ex.  I learned that sometimes people make terrible mistakes that in no way speaks to the true content of their character.  I learned to love others and, most importantly, love myself.  

Thank you for listening.   

theglassishalffull theglassishalffull
26-30, F
2 Responses Mar 5, 2010

I just joined this page today and what you wrote is something I can relate to. I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years an he Is crack addict. He relapsed today an I am absolutely beside myself. It was nice to read that you were eventually able to move on.

As an addict for about 8 years I can feel him but also you.Because opioids bind with the endorfin receptors in the brain,when he is 'high' he feels like a god.The feeling of pleasure is so strong he doesn't need anything more.He feels complete.I remember that even the pleasure of having sex with the person I really loved,seemed so ''unsatisfying'' in comparison with heroin.But it lasts only 8 hours,then starts the sickness,the withdrawals,an extremelly painfull 7 days period I would describe as ''HELL''.Both physically and mental ill,and the pain is so strong I used a knife to cut my skin,self-harm gives a feeling of relief.He can't offer you love right now,he is only thinking how to find money to get opioids,if he is a long-time user,just to feel not sick not to get any pleasure,it's his No1 agony.It is not your fault,it has nothing to do with love don't feel responsible.HE NEEDS YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER...but don't try to help him giving money,you will just make it worse.Now you must play the role of the saviour,if you love him.And it's a difficult role if he doesn't wanna stop,you must show your love but make it clear -opioids or me-don't treat him like a child.There are meds like Suboxone for detox,so there is no need for him to go through the withdrawal hell.ASK A PROFESSIONAL,A DOCTOR,FOR ADVICE.And remember there is always another problem hiding behind drug-use,like depression,e.c.t.As long he is an addict,you can't make him happy,nothing means a thing to him except the drug.Don't let him fill you with guild,that it is your fault..."..if you were acting different,I would not start using drugs again..."IF YOU HEAR THIS,IT'S A LIE,HE ONLY TRIES TO GET RID OF HIS OWN RESPONSIBILITY,BLAMING YOU,DONT ACCEPT IT...SHOW HIM THAT IT'S HIS OWN RESPONSIBILITY TO TRY TO CUT-OFF,INSURE HIM THAT YOU WILL STAY BY HIS SIDE AND TAKE CARE OF HIM.TELL HIM THAT WITHDRAWALS LAT 5-7 DAYS,ENCOURAGE HIM,DON'T BLAME HIM BUT DON'T BE A 'BABYSITTER'.The most important part,is after he cuts-off,then you will feel how much he really needs you and all the LOVE in once.He will be depressed for a period,show him your love,hug him and remind him how important he is to you now ''he's back to life again'',make small plans for the future without stressing him,go vacations to a quite place after detox and ENJOY BOTH YOUR LOVE.!! IF HE REALLY LOVES YOU AND YOU REALLY LOVE HIM,IT'S A MATTER OF TIME TO FIND LOVE AND HAPPINESS. :-)...but if he refuses for a long time to cut-off,there is nothing you can do,don't waste your life if he doesn't show signs he is trying....WISH YOU THE BEST