He Has No Friend But Me

My boyfriend is a recovering heroin addict. But really it's not just heroin. It's anything and everything that could possibly get you high. He's not above drinking mouthwash if he's derperate. Well anyways, He'd been clean for a year. We'd just gotten back together after a year and a half apart because of his drug addiction. So about 6 months after we got back together he relapsed. He drank. A lot. And he has a big scar on his eyebrow and a still unhealed broken nose as momentos of this occasion. Then he relapsed again a month later. He did coke and he drank. He has two broken fingers to remember that one by.

For the first time, he is taking his recovery very seriously. He's taking medications for his many and varied mental health issues. He's acting like a real stand-up guy for once in his life. He's keeping promises. He's making plans. He's being sweet again. He's doing what he needs to do. I'm really proud of him right now.

However, recently I've started to realize that the poor kid doesn't have any friends anymore. Sure, he has people that do care about him and want to hang out, but the fact of the matter is he can't hang out with them. All his friend are either currently using or just plain trouble makers or both. Or drug dealers. If I could magically make all these guys into not drug addicts, I would. A lot of them are nice guys and I would love for them to hang around with my boyfriend if they were clean. But I can't. And he can't be with the trouble makers because that's just how he used to be and he's trying to move past that and be taken seriously and be a better person.

Not only am I sad for him that he doesn't have anyone to keep him company besides me, but I have friends and I want to hang out with them. Here's the thing, my friends all went different directions after high school. We're all still friends thankfully, but most of they time they aren't around. Just last week I started actually having plans again for the first time in months. A few friends are back to stay and we've been hanging out and I'm much happier now that I have plans with my girls and not only my boyfriend. Here's the probelm. I want to hang out with my friends but I can't because of my boyfriend. If it made him mad for me to hang out with them, I'd just tell him to **** off. But it doesn't make him mad. It makes him sad and it hurts his feelings and he looks like a little kicked puppy. It's so sad.

I don't want to be mean, but I FIANLLY have my friends back and I want to see them more often. It's nothing against him. I love him. I love spending time with him, but I miss my friends. I feel bad leaving him alone to go over to my friends' houses. I would just tell him to go hang with his friends but, as I said, he deosn't have any. And I can't seem to get it through his head that I don't hate him, I'm not trying to get away from him, I just want to see my friends. I see him every day. It's not that big of a deal to not spend the whole day together once in a while. I know I should probably just go see them anyway, but I feel like he feels like me going with my friends is a punishment to him despite that fact that he's doing things right. Plus he's living at a friend's house for a few days and he can only be there at night. So when I leave him by himself, he doesn't really have anywhere to go except to just go to meetings and listen to his zune. And it makes him lonely and I feel terrible about it.

What should I do? 

finder finder
18-21, F
3 Responses Mar 10, 2010

How is he today? Are you two still together?

As an addict for about 8 years I can feel him but also you.Because opioids bind with the endorfin receptors in the brain,when he is 'high' he feels like a god.The feeling of pleasure is so strong he doesn't need anything more.He feels complete.I remember that even the pleasure of having sex with the person I really loved,seemed so ''unsatisfying'' in comparison with heroin.But it lasts only 8 hours,then starts the sickness,the withdrawals,an extremelly painfull 7 days period I would describe as ''HELL''.Both physically and mental ill,and the pain is so strong I used a knife to cut my skin,self-harm gives a feeling of relief.He can't offer you love right now,he is only thinking how to find money to get opioids,if he is a long-time user,just to feel not sick not to get any pleasure,it's his No1 agony.It is not your fault,it has nothing to do with love don't feel responsible.HE NEEDS YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER...but don't try to help him giving money,you will just make it worse.Now you must play the role of the saviour,if you love him.And it's a difficult role if he doesn't wanna stop,you must show your love but make it clear -opioids or me-don't treat him like a child.There are meds like Suboxone for detox,so there is no need for him to go through the withdrawal hell.ASK A PROFESSIONAL,A DOCTOR,FOR ADVICE.And remember there is always another problem hiding behind drug-use,like depression,e.c.t.As long he is an addict,you can't make him happy,nothing means a thing to him except the drug.Don't let him fill you with guild,that it is your fault..."..if you were acting different,I would not start using drugs again..."IF YOU HEAR THIS,IT'S A LIE,HE ONLY TRIES TO GET RID OF HIS OWN RESPONSIBILITY,BLAMING YOU,DONT ACCEPT IT...SHOW HIM THAT IT'S HIS OWN RESPONSIBILITY TO TRY TO CUT-OFF,INSURE HIM THAT YOU WILL STAY BY HIS SIDE AND TAKE CARE OF HIM.TELL HIM THAT WITHDRAWALS LAT 5-7 DAYS,ENCOURAGE HIM,DON'T BLAME HIM BUT DON'T BE A 'BABYSITTER'.The most important part,is after he cuts-off,then you will feel how much he really needs you and all the LOVE in once.He will be depressed for a period,show him your love,hug him and remind him how important he is to you now ''he's back to life again'',make small plans for the future without stressing him,go vacations to a quite place after detox and ENJOY BOTH YOUR LOVE.!! IF HE REALLY LOVES YOU AND YOU REALLY LOVE HIM,IT'S A MATTER OF TIME TO FIND LOVE AND HAPPINESS. :-)...but if he refuses for a long time to cut-off,there is nothing you can do,don't waste your life if he doesn't show signs he is trying....WISH YOU THE BEST

Those are actually great ideas. For the moment, I'm going out tonight despite him being sad about it because I already had plans, but I can't wait to talk to him about doing some of these things. <br />
You know, he can be really judgemental so sometimes it's hard to get him to do things like church groups or something, but oddly enough, mamibonita, I think I probably could get him to do a couples church group thing because he's actually been wanting to go to church recently. Well if I beg him hard enough he'll pretty much do ANYTHING I want, but if I have to beg him too hard it's pointless anyway because we won't make any friends because he'd be too concentrated on how much he hates being there.<br />
lofadesofa, I think getting him a gym membership or some other kind of program would be great too. In fact, we're actually working on getting him into an intensive outpatient program right now. So three nights a week I'll actually have some time to do stuff by myself and he'll be concentrating on his problems which are both good things. <br />
Thanks, guys. Those were great ideas and I think they'll work.