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I Wish I Could Fall Out Of Love

i have been in a relationship with this man for 3 years. when we started dating he was honest that he had a history of heroin/opiate addiction and had been on buprenorphine for several years. he said that this drug program helped him live a normal life, hold down a job etc. i believed him and i respected his honesty and i respected the fact he had beaten heroin addiction.

let me just explain before i get to the bad stuff, that this guy is the loveliest person, i don't think there is a person on earth who would come away from meeting him and not be absolutely drawn to him, he is quiet, reserved, intelligent, knowledgeable, caring, open minded. there's something so gentle and kind in him, hes just not like anyone else, and that's why i am hopelessly in love with him,  despite all the bad things he has done to me, i still love him.

i had never been around anyone with a severe drug problem so i was completely naive to any signs that he was in fact still using. he would fall asleep anywhere and everywhere, but he blamed it on the prescription meds. i believed him.

he had sores/scars on his arms, and when i asked about it he said that they'd been there for years and would always be there. eventually i noticed these marks would change, sometimes one would be bleeding or scabbed, but when i asked why he said he picked at it.

i feel so stupid and foolish that it took me so long to realize what was happening,

it took me about a year to figure it out, and unfortunately by this stage he had moved into my house(he was kicked out of his house due to never paying rent, why did i not realize what this meant?), i was supposed to be temporary while he looked for a place, i didn't want him to be homeless he was my boyfriend and i love him.

he was nice, and for a while things were good, and we decided to try actually living together for real, permanent, like married-ish.

about 2 mths had passed of him living there, one day i opened his dresser drawer, to find maybe 30 syringes(used), they weren't hidden, just on top of all the other junk in there. i asked him about them, he says they've been in there for years hes never cleaned it out. i was furious either way as i do not want that type of thing in my house, not to mention in my child's house. i made him throw them all away. then i start snooping alot and find them in his clothes pockets, bags, car, boxes.

it seemed like no matter how many id throw away, therd always be more soon enough. i have tried to kick him out countless times, tried to break up countless times, he just seems to know that if he persists and hangs around long enough, ill forget the bad stuff, and start liking him again for who he is, and hes right. that's exactly what happens.

I'm very ashamed at how weak i was and that i tolerated this at all. i wouldn't tell my friends of family because i was ashamed and didn't want anyone to look down on me.

now during these 2 years he was quite frequently not paying his rent, his share of household costs, bills, food. he earns double the amount that i earn, yet i am always lending him money and rarely seeing any of it paid back. this caused me huge stress as you can probably imagine.

eventually his brother suspected he was using again and asked me, i told him everything, he came over made him move out of my house. i am so grateful to his brother as it is like a huge weight has been lifted off me. now that hes not living here it does'nt effect me all the time.

now i just worry about his future, it makes me sad. i think he will probably die from this, maybe soon, maybe an overdose, maybe it will slowly destroy his body over 20 years. its sad. i just don't want to be around when it happens.

we still see each other but its pointless, were never going to be happy. i cant trust him again. hes never going to stop using and I'm never going to be cool with it. I'm trying to move on but its proving very hard to do as i still love him and want to be with him.

 

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horriblegirl horriblegirl 26-30, F 10 Responses Apr 9, 2010

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I've been with my boyfriend for almost 14yrs. We have two children together. I thought we had the perfect life until I recently found out he was a heroin user and has "fallen" in "love" with another user. We live my father-in-law who supported us financial. My boyfriend worked but lost his job. Not long after that he started going out more and more and eventually stopped coming home some nights. He took thousands from his father from their joint credit card which odvioulsy he does not have access to anymore. He comes home for two three days than begs daddy for money to support his and her habit. I haven't moved out and I'm not planning on it. I have to small kids that only know this home and my father-in-law thankfully is on my side and letting his son know that I'm not going anywhere and that he is not going to try and move his heroin addicted girlfriend into this house! He hates me for not moving out. He calls me horrible names, says horrible things about my body and send naked pictures of his nasty girlfriend to me. This isn't the man I've been with the last 13yrs, he's not there anymore. He would never ever treat me like this even if he wanted to end it before the drugs. I love this man and miss him so much. I just don't understand how to addicts can fall in love! I'm mean if there were no drugs. Involved they never would have met so I just don't know how drugs not being in the picture that they would have a "normal" relationship!

I felt like you were writing my story!! I just finally got my guy of 6 yrs to leave. He is a oxy/Percocet addict that also smokes crack and drinks to excess. I knew when I met him that he had issues with crack but had done rehab. He had relapsed a couple of times but always spoke about how he hating himself for it. I thought that he was on the road to staying clean but looking back I just fooled myself. Three years ago he stated using opiates which is costly. I too was begging him to pay his half of the rent, bills etc. Then the drinking started which lead to him beating me in a rage that he has no memory of. The first time he broke 4 of my ribs I asked him to leave!! He stayed in the spare room under the pretense he was looking for a place. Then as time went out he/me he worked back into my life & bed. 2 months later another incident happened and this time he beat me black & blue. He also attempted to throw me off the balcony. He stated he would get help and as most good addicts even went to the first apt but then there was no followup. Exactly 2 mths later he admitted that he wanted to get high/drunk and that was just who he was. Needless to say a big verbal fight happened. The last straw for me was he threatened to hurt me again, I wasn't having him around to endure a third beating. He's been gone now for 5 days and I have no idea where he is or if he is okay but one thing I have learned is that the addict is usually the one that is okay!! It's the loves that love them that suffer. I realized that I can't have this man in my life if I truly want to be happy. I still care but I finally started caring about myself first. I too truly wish him the best. I hope he gets clean and finds the happiness that he has been searching for the last 52yrs. One day I will have to face him as he left most of his belongings here. I wish you the best of luck with your journey and stay strong. We all deserve love, respect & happiness in our lives.

Theres no way for me to explain it in short terms, but I'm in the exact same position. I adore my ex as a person, and know what he is like before the drug addiction changed him. He's my first love, and I'm so attached to him. It's unfortunate that I'll never be able to trust him again. He's went in and out of rehab twice, and that's a total of 50 grand. I've learn to accept that his personality and mentality will always be damaged, not like the man I fell for. It is what it is, life is too short to be stuck in this type of environment.

I so appreciate all the comments here. I too am in love with a heroin user. Like you I was niave to the whole drug affair... like when he nodded off and told me that he had a sleep disorder and could fall asleep anywhere. But fortunately I was warned by his friend because he admired me and didnt want to see me get hurt.. However I kept the relashionship going because I believed his promises of quitting. I love him so much but this relashionship is so onesided although I know he loves me but I know he cant be what I need him to be so I finally let go. Now Im going through withdrawls over him, Ill take it ONE DAY AT A TIME

An addict is not capable of having a relationship in the way a non-addict would desire. They are monomaniacal and the aim of their focus is themselves and how they feel. Do you notice how much an addict will speak of and focus on how he/she feels in the moment and how to control that? Their feelings come first...theirs not yours. How rarely the focus is on what he has done or is doing unless it is to address making them feeling good...asap. <br />
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Although an addict's life is built around feeling good; they never seem to find the peaceful place to be with things as they are. They chase feelings rather than process feelings that represent what is going on in the world around them and in their mind. Controlling feelings is urgent ... thru drugs...and sometimes by controlling things or people outside themselves. <br />
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A relationship requires us to learn to listen to another's perspective and consider that and integrate. It requires putting someone else’s interests at the forefront of our lives at times and WAITING on things we want and need. Ever know an addict who could wait for anything they wanted? That part of their brain is shut off. And planning ahead.......following thru......<br />
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Nothing we do however is pointless. You may thru this struggle, get to see "helping" other people change is not possible in the way you have been operating. We may learn humility. The point to a relationship with an addict may not be a healthy reciprocal relationship, but there will be a point. If you are willing to learn from it all you will.<br />
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Hopefully your compassion won't become the empathy which leading to an addict bringing you down into their level as you pay for the drugs, drive them to their dealer, tell lies to their bosses about why they aren't there today etc. After all you don't want them to suffer, right. <br />
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The impetus for recovery comes from within the person desiring to change. Sometimes suffering is the impetus to change. But if you love a person, you will not be the one who can support that change. They can play you like a fiddle. You may influence that desire by letting them know how it affects you and drawing the line on letting them hurt your life energy. You cannot be with an addict and not become sick yourself in some way. You may not notice the accommodations you have already made to accommodate them. You may not notice that you are the one accommodating their choices and lifestyle. But ultimately; who we are/become rises from WITHIN each one of us. <br />
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There are so many good documentaries out there now about addictions. I would recommend watching them so you won't be so naive and also so that you can externalize the addiction bit from the "I want to be loved and wanted and needed" thing. Check out TopDocumentaryFilms.com and Hulu documentaries.<br />
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It’s a process. One step at a time and be honest with yourself so your excuses for him/her don't become a habit and then excuses for yourself. As a famous teacher once said, "You can by no means redeem your brother."

I really love that last comment. Wish I could be that far yet.<br />
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Is it always pointless to be in a relationship with an addict?

It is a process. Congratulate yourself for the steps you have taken and finally seeing it is pointless to continue. What do you do that you love to do each day. What new relationships are you building with people who can be on an give and take with you....not just take and promise arangement. <br />
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We are the ones responsible for making ourselves vulnerable to things that hurt us. You must break your addiction to him in the same way he needs to break his addiction to the drugs. Feel good is not all that matters in life...in fact doing the right and healthy thing produces the lasting pleasures. <br />
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Put a marker in the ground for the perceptions you have today that you were nieve to before. And then step forward on that wisdom and act in your own best interests. That will also ultimately do him the most good as he will need to face reality uncushioned sooner.

thanks for your comments,<br />
i dont want to give him help and support, ive already given him all i could and i cant give anymore. it is the best option for both of us, because i have come to a point where i cant forgive things he has dont to me, and i find myself telling him so many negative things, and this must be bad for him and probably drives him to use even more. i think we will both be better of once we have gone out seperate ways. <br />
i dont even care if he meets someone new, gets clean and has a perfect life, i would be happy for him, even though it wasnt with me, i think this thought kept me with him for a long time, i only want him to be happy with me, and not with someone else. but i have tried all i can and i know its not going to happen, and im not prepared to waste my life wishing for happiness thats never going to come.

Addiction can make things so complicated. It's good that his brother got him out of your house, it sounds a little like he was using you too. I'm sure he has real feelings for you as well, but as a past addict I know that using can replace your true self with someone who is only looking for opportunities to facilitate their habit. If he asks for help or support, give it. If not, tough as it is....your trying to move on may be the best option for both of you.

You can't change what you can not control.. Love only goes so far.