I Wish I Could Fall Out Of Love
i have been in a relationship with this man for 3 years. when we started dating he was honest that he had a history of heroin/opiate addiction and had been on buprenorphine for several years. he said that this drug program helped him live a normal life, hold down a job etc. i believed him and i respected his honesty and i respected the fact he had beaten heroin addiction.
let me just explain before i get to the bad stuff, that this guy is the loveliest person, i don't think there is a person on earth who would come away from meeting him and not be absolutely drawn to him, he is quiet, reserved, intelligent, knowledgeable, caring, open minded. there's something so gentle and kind in him, hes just not like anyone else, and that's why i am hopelessly in love with him, despite all the bad things he has done to me, i still love him.
i had never been around anyone with a severe drug problem so i was completely naive to any signs that he was in fact still using. he would fall asleep anywhere and everywhere, but he blamed it on the prescription meds. i believed him.
he had sores/scars on his arms, and when i asked about it he said that they'd been there for years and would always be there. eventually i noticed these marks would change, sometimes one would be bleeding or scabbed, but when i asked why he said he picked at it.
i feel so stupid and foolish that it took me so long to realize what was happening,
it took me about a year to figure it out, and unfortunately by this stage he had moved into my house(he was kicked out of his house due to never paying rent, why did i not realize what this meant?), i was supposed to be temporary while he looked for a place, i didn't want him to be homeless he was my boyfriend and i love him.
he was nice, and for a while things were good, and we decided to try actually living together for real, permanent, like married-ish.
about 2 mths had passed of him living there, one day i opened his dresser drawer, to find maybe 30 syringes(used), they weren't hidden, just on top of all the other junk in there. i asked him about them, he says they've been in there for years hes never cleaned it out. i was furious either way as i do not want that type of thing in my house, not to mention in my child's house. i made him throw them all away. then i start snooping alot and find them in his clothes pockets, bags, car, boxes.
it seemed like no matter how many id throw away, therd always be more soon enough. i have tried to kick him out countless times, tried to break up countless times, he just seems to know that if he persists and hangs around long enough, ill forget the bad stuff, and start liking him again for who he is, and hes right. that's exactly what happens.
I'm very ashamed at how weak i was and that i tolerated this at all. i wouldn't tell my friends of family because i was ashamed and didn't want anyone to look down on me.
now during these 2 years he was quite frequently not paying his rent, his share of household costs, bills, food. he earns double the amount that i earn, yet i am always lending him money and rarely seeing any of it paid back. this caused me huge stress as you can probably imagine.
eventually his brother suspected he was using again and asked me, i told him everything, he came over made him move out of my house. i am so grateful to his brother as it is like a huge weight has been lifted off me. now that hes not living here it does'nt effect me all the time.
now i just worry about his future, it makes me sad. i think he will probably die from this, maybe soon, maybe an overdose, maybe it will slowly destroy his body over 20 years. its sad. i just don't want to be around when it happens.
we still see each other but its pointless, were never going to be happy. i cant trust him again. hes never going to stop using and I'm never going to be cool with it. I'm trying to move on but its proving very hard to do as i still love him and want to be with him.