I'll Never Be The Same.

He's my housemate and landlord. He's 4 full years younger than me which makes me feel even worse for having these feelings for him (I'm 34, he's 30). He knows about how I feel. I've even told him. When that happened he didn't even hug me nor showed any empathy. I've known him for a year and a half. He's all I think about. I see him being interested in pretty much every other girl he sees except me. He keeps his personal life cryptic and never tells me if he's seeing someone or not. Nor does he open up to me about anything. I really do feel completely shut out, which is sad because we could at least have become friends. I don't want to lose this man from my life.

I go to bed most nights in tears because my whole being feels like it's burning. He's just in the next room!!! Only a wall is between us! Oh, how I wish one day he would want to hug me. How I wish he would want to share his dreams and fears with me. How I wish we could sleep together. Just sleep. When I imagine this I can feel my heart rate go slower and I feel somewhat normal and healthier. I have prayed and prayed and prayed. Nothing is working. I 've even dropped 12 kilos (25 mounds) to make myself look prettier but.....nothing.

The worst part: every other man I meet comes second. Nobody comes close to this guy. Ever since meeting him I've written off all other men. I'm not interested in anyone else. I've tried to fix this by forcing myself to go out with others and even kiss them...but.....nothing.
Anyway, I'm still praying. I really love this man.
InSpace InSpace
36-40, F
2 Responses Sep 8, 2011

well i feel you set yourself up for this and you knew it but you let it go too far! sometimes things were not meant to be and yes their are men like that! as i was reading your story! it is just like my sister she was so in love with donny osmond but she knew she could'nt have him! well as life goes on you will find someone and i have no doubt that you will be good to him! you have to get out there thou!

Well maybe it will work out in some way in the future. I am in love with a woman that I can never have and pray for a miracle every day.

I've been praying too. Every day. Praying, hoping, wishing. Coellio once said, in the alchemist, that if you really want something badly, the universe twists things around so that you can have it. I've been waiting for the universe to get things moving a year and a half now.....
I will wish for things to work out for the both of us. Something's gotta give!!