I'm Better Than That...but, Boy Do I Love Him

After 18 years, I've had to let go of the man I love. The father of my children. I'm not filing for divorce yet, because I feel like he deserves a certain amount of time to hit 'rock bottom,' in hopes that he'll get a wake up call and get help.

Micah is either bipolar or totally lacks discipline in his life. He refuses to get checked out, because he has mastered blaming every failure in his life on someone else...mostly me.

Our children have seen this man come and go, because he gets these big ideas that fail, then he comes home.

Tough love is where I am now. He was caught at another woman's house...not for sex, but companionship. But, that's where it starts and I didn't want to wait til it went any further.

It hurts to let go, but he'd finally crossed every line imaginable. It was time to stop the cycle. And, I'm ready to move forward...with or without him. I'm not angry and that seems to be the best way to move forward.

I am still faithful, but I am changing. I no longer accept his lies. It has finally sank in that it's HIM who is losing everything, because of his bad decisions. I have the house, the kids, the dogs, and more than anything...my dignity.

I have finally become a 'victor' instead of a 'victim.' I've accepted my own responsibility. I have grabbed hold of my faith in the Lord, and I'm letting it lead the way. It feel so good.

I am finally FREE. With or without him. I am FREE....

 

TO BE CONTINUED: I wrote this when I was still questioning everything. Now, I'm here awhile later with a totally different attitude. The other woman is gone, my husband has come back around. But, letting go of him was the biggest benefit for him and myself. I've had my own revelations:

The biggest insight I've gotten is that a lot of my behaviors were negative as well. I wasn't willing to accept my husband in a lot of ways, so he opted to find someone who did. The experience changed ME. And, after I became the one who stopped manipulating and trying to 'win' he turned back. I've learned a mature kind of love, not a selfish one. I respect myself, thus I can respect him too.

And, now we are in a place where he is changing. So far, for the better. Our fire is being rekindled. No longer do I feel like I'm better than that. I'm not better than that...I'm just different than him.

priehl priehl
36-40, F
Mar 16, 2009