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I Love My Friend Who Has A Girl Friend

His name is Troy. We met in 09, I was attracted. He asked me out a few months later. After the first date I knew I could fall for him hard and fast. But he told me he had feelings for an ex so he ended things within a month. I was angry, I felt like he didn't give me a proper chance and that he left me with all these feelings. He had led me on, I thought. But we stayed friends and I got over it. He got a girl friend named Farah, it was awkward meeting her but I dealt with it and got on with life. He got another girl friend after Farah, lacy, who was also his ex. But he never got over her and he moved far away to be with her right after they rekindled their romance. We kept in touch after he moved to be with her although we seldom spoke or hung out. He told me during one of his visits that he wanted to marry her. Ever since then I ask him all the time when is the wedding. I needed constant reminder that he was taken. I didn't know that that was my reason for always bringing her up though. I also developed the habit of calling him when I needed a helping hand with random things. I guess its weird to call someone so far away for things that other people could've helped me with but I didn't think of that. I always liked him, but I didn't realize it until summer last year. Through a series of interactions I realized that he was a person who was not only a great friend but someone who I was looking for all my life, but never knew it. He was everything I wanted in a man but never knew it. Supportive, extremely helpful, dependable, kind, etc. Such a great friend he is. It could've just ended with him being a great friend but I guess because we dated shortly, I thought into it more than a friend should. Stupid. Although while these interactions were happening I really did just think he was being a good friend and I thought nothing else. But one day he asked me for a favor, I obliged. And he asked why I did it, I said because he's such a great friend to me that i'm just returning the favor. He said that regular friends wouldn't do it, that he thought I liked him and that's why I granted him the favor. I denied it..and I thought I was being honest. But he got me thinking and that's when I realized that I did like him, I always did. I started acting stupid, falling for him, thinking about him alot, texting him random things just to talk to him. Then in December we hung out on his break. This led to me getting over him slightly. I met his family and hung out and drank and had a good time. I slept over, in my own bed, and the next morning he said the weirdest thing. He said..out of the blue..."next time I mislead a girl and she tries to do anything with me I'll tell her to stop, that it would be just sex, that I don't love her." I asked why he said that. He said cuz a girl tried to jump him while he was putting her to bed. Now, the night before I was drinking and he put me in bed (alone). Do you see the obvious similarity? I do. I was confused and later I called him to ask if he thought I wanted something more based on my actions and if that was his way of rejecting me. He told me that he didn't mean me, just generally. I still took it personally. And worse I thought he meant that he wasn't in love with me and wouldn't want anything but sex if it were to happen. I already thought he felt that way but for him to say that without provocation was harsh since I never hit on him. I decided to try to get over him and set boundaries. I pledged to get a boyfriend and I stopped contacting him for random stuff. I was doing well. Presently he's home on winter break and we decided to hang out recently. But last minute he calls and asks me to take a road trip with him.
I thought it was exciting plus I promised to visit him before so I went. I had fun. But during the visit I came to many realizations. The big one was...I really do love this guy. It wasn't a little crush on my guy friend who I love as a friend. He is awesome. He isn't perfect..in fact long ago I slightly disliked him so I'm not under any illusions. But that night he gave me the princess treatment, the gentleman treatment, paid for everything, did what I asked, gave me what I wanted, offered me his bed, cooked for me, tucked me in, gave me the only heater in the house, password to his phone, haha, he told me I was sexy and insanely beautiful, and we drank a bit..he ended up sleeping next to me on the couch (I apologize..it was inappropriate) & he didn't even touch me. And he has always treated me kind, but not to this extent. I now know why he broke so many hearts getting to this insanely lucky girl. That night he also talked about her and called her. I saw it in his eyes how he loved her and missed her. I don't want to ruin his happiness. He didn't tell her I was with him, in fact she doesn't know me. I told him to tell her about me, he says she wouldn't let him see me if he told her. I think I need to let him know that once he decided to marry her and have kids, i'm out of his life forever if that's what his WIFE wants. He needs to realize that and be ready to let me go. I'm not under any illusions that we will be together. But I still love him and I'm human. I still hope that I could be with him and I'm sorry. I don't want to feel this way about another womans man. I cuddled him in the morning, he let me. I felt bad later on. My best friend told me it was wrong..I knew it. I also realized that he likes me. To what degree, I don't know. Not as much as he loves his girl friend, but feelings are there. He kept on hinting at it. I know he thought he was being oblivious but he made remarks that made his feelings obvious. Like that he didn't like my crush (who he doesn't know), like how he doesn't know how his family would take him marrying someone of a different race (my race specifically), asking if anyone in my family had similar features to him(can you figure out why?)..not to mention that he jokingly referred to me (in the negative) as his mistress in the morning, called me hot, sexy, beautiful the night before, and joked as well that he enjoyed our love making the night before, and why didn't I remember. We didn't have sex, he was probably just thinking about it. I don't blame him, I was wearing tight sleep clothes. I also realized that we'd make a great couple. Our chemistry, communication, mutual respect, openness, understanding and or being accepting of each other are great. Our disagreements are few and unimportant. And we are sexually compatible. I thought I was too wild for him, too free. I was wrong. He accepts me for everything I am. And I give him the love and friendship he needs. In general as woman and man we compliment each other very well. I could see myself being really happy with him. I knew three years ago that he made me severely happy. That's why I was so angry at him when he left me. I thought his family wouldn't accept me too..but we get along and my sisters like him too. I thought he was racist. He isn't. All the reasons to dislike him are gone. I love him, but he loves her. I don't think he would ever love me more than her and I don't want him if he can't love me more than her. So now I am just determined to keep this guy in my life. I love him as a person, friend, and as more. I want him in my life forever. I will try to get over him and get a guy so that I may be able to stay in his life and not seem like a threat to his wife. I feel the ultimate form of love is when you can be in love but love enough to let go. It's hard to let go since he let's me do what I want. Sometimes i'm selfish and I may hug him and kiss his cheek too long or cuddle with him in bed. I apologize, but i'm human, I love him and I want that connection with him. I'll try to maintain boundaries in the future. He Is moving back home, we will attend the same work place. I will see him alot more and we are closer than ever. I hope to God that whatever happens, I will not lose him. Wish me luck.
_the retched girl
krysoh krysoh 18-21, F Jan 10, 2013

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