Post

Why Does He Say He Loves Me?

To go on with my story I have always kept myself distant, because we all know you dont let yourself be fooled by a man your involved with who is cheating. So we have been involved for two years, in this time I have been with two other men, I just wanted to, just sex, well he has become furious, just furious. The first one he said it was because he was worried about bringing something home to his "woman" we should be safe. OK. The second time he was just outrageously mad cause he thought I just wanted him. That is true, but damn he goes home to her every night. I am left all alone, no body to talk to or hang out with. He does things that are very daring and very visible for others to give thought to. He is being very obvious lately in his care for me with everyone. We are in a small community where everyone knows everyones business and his mother and sister are part of it. He has told his mother recently to "mind her f*@%ing business recently cause she was trying to find out something. She has retaliated by saying she is gonna call his girlfriend and let her know about us. I am worried about it, he says he is not. He says "Well maybe it is time for himself to move on". Then asks me where I would like to live. What the heck is happening? Am I being fooled or maybe he is really caring about me. My story has many more parts but its so much to tell, I will do it as I need.

katey402 katey402 41-45, F 2 Responses Jul 6, 2009

Your Response

Cancel

I'm currently in this situation and have been for the last 7 years. I've actually known this man for 10 years, but been involved off and on for 7. I'm gonna start from the beginning to give you a little understanding. There's a lot to my story, but I'll give you the basics.

He was my ex's best friend at the time. I met him a month after my ex and I started dating. The night I met him, I asked myself, "Why didn't I meet HIM last month?" Lol! I was instantly attracted to him. I knew he had a girlfriend the night I met him. They had been together for a year already. Anyway, him, me and my ex used to hang out over at my apartment all the time drinking and play fighting or whatever. He only brought his girlfriend to my place once and never again after that. She'd always call looking for him, but he'd tell me to say that I didn't know where he was. I knew that he had done some dirt with another girl before because my ex would tell me stories. My ex was kind of a dirtbag. He tried to be controlling and he couldn't keep a job. His friend knew that we were having issues. He used to flirt with me here and there, but I didn't catch onto it at first because I was full of frustration with my ex. I mean like sexual innuendos flirtation, plus, he was a sweetheart and a really loyal friend to me. If my car was in the shop and I needed a ride to and from work, he would bring me. Even though we worked different shifts, he was there for me...more than my ex.

So after 3 1/2 years with my ex, I broke up with him. His friend (our friend I should say) had the spare key to my place, but I let him keep it because I secretly wanted to see if he was attracted to me in that way. He called me one day to ask me a favor, so I drove to his job. I told him that even though I broke up with this guy that I still wanted to hang out with him. He came over that night, and one thing led to another. I initiated it, it wasn't to "get back" at my ex for being a loser, I actually wanted him and I liked him as a person. Originally, it was for sex only. We agreed that it wouldn't be a one time thing. He started coming over once a week, sometimes twice a week, then a couple of months later, it stopped. My ex, who was completely clueless about the whole thing, started popping up at my place all of the time and I think he probably told my friend that he was gonna try to get back with me which most likely was the reason why he stopped coming by.

During this time, they both visit me like every other day. The 2 of us act like nothing ever happened which irked me a little because my sister used to try and talk him to death (she gets "friendly" with everyone). Then my ex's God sister started having a thing for him, so I secretly got jealous. He stopped coming by with my ex. He stopped calling me. I didn't have his new number. I felt like I was losing him and I never had him to begin with. So, before I completely cut my ex off, I went through his cell one day to get my buddy's new cell number. Once I had the number, I didn't need my ex around anymore, I could get in contact with him myself. So I ditched my ex and started texting him. He started coming by again like once every other week. This went on for about a year, and then I moved to another apartment. Then, he was calling me every morning. Some mornings he would stop by with hot chocolate for me. The mornings that he wouldn't come by, he'd stop over at night. This went on for 6 months. At this time, I was fighting with my feelings and couldn't figure out whether or not I should tell him. My best friend convinced me to tell him, saying that if I didn't speak up, he'll never know.

I had it all planned out when I was going to tell him and how I would say it. The moment came, we had just finished having sex (we always sit and stare at each other after). He looks at me and says, "I can read your mind." I go, "Oh yeah? What am I thinking?" He says, "You want to tell me you love me, but you can't. I know because I want to say it to but..." Then we just layed in my bed until he had to leave. I was flattered that he knew because I didn't think I made it obvious.

So everything was cool, I knew he was still with old girl, but I was enjoying his company along with the sex so I was happy. I saw him pretty much 5-6 days a week, even if it was a short visit, I looked forward to seeing him.

Then....out of the blue I get a phone call at work from my ex. He tells me that our buddy was about to be a father in 4 more months. I texted him immediately to find out if it was true. He denied it, saying that my ex was making it up. Of course, the truth came out. The girlfriend really had a baby. I found out from my best friend's then-boyfriend who worked with him. So I cussed him out via text and told him not to call me ever again because he was a liar. It all started to make sense. That's the reason why he was spending so much time with me. It hurt because I really thought that he was feeling something for me. It was more than physical. Sometimes, we would just watch tv or look out at the stars. That hit me hard. Not once did I stop thinking about him.

2 years went by and I get a phone call from my sister telling me that she just saw him at the bar and how he was asking about me and saying that I broke his heart. I said to myself, "Great, the day before my birthday. What a present." I was still mad at him for what happened, but I couldn't resist texting him, just to say hello and see how he had been doing. We talked. A couple of days later, he came to my job to visit. It was like we never stopped seeing each other. I felt the same joy and excitement that I felt years before. He explained that he didn't tell me about the pregnancy because he "wasn't sure it was his" which was a crock, but I let him have that one. We started seeing each other again and he finally told me that he loved me. This time was different. He brought me to hang out with his friends all of the time. I was introduced as his homegirl, but he was always kissing on me or holding me close in front of everyone. We were actually going places together in public, like he didn't care who saw us together.

Then, it started to die down and I started to question his actions versus his words. We went back and forth for another 3 years. During this time, I'm telling him not to call me anymore when he stops calling or coming by often without explanation. We talk about a guy that I dated during the 2 years we didn't speak, and he gets upset with me. Asking me if I loved the guy and he always considered me to be his only. Then he tells me once that he can't see me anymore which made me pissed because I took that as he was ending it with me to make his relationship work. But he ended up calling me again a few days later. He really began to show his affection for me and constantly let me know that he loved me. And I could tell that he really loved me. It's an indescribable feeling.

Then, last January on my birthday, while I was on my way to NYC to celebrate, he drops the news on me that he bought a house...with the girlfriend. I was cool about it at first, but when I got back home, I was ripped for like a month, but I calmed down after a few days. Our relationship is funny. He knows when I'm pissed, to give me a certain amount of time to cool off before he approaches me. Anyway, I let that go. He started asking me if I would have a child with him and if I was ready. He's the only man who I know would be a good father, and my blinding love never brought up important questions like, "What about your daughter and girlfriend?" or "How are you gonna tell her that you got another woman pregnant?" It never happened. I ended up moving to NYC this past December. He knew that I was leaving a month in advance. He never saw me off. It's been 5 months since I saw him. He continues to call and text me. Tell me how much he loves and misses me and how much it hurt him that I moved away.

The other day I demanded to know where all of this between us is leading because I'm not getting any younger. He replied, "I believe in my heart that it will lead to the both of us together. I can't stop thinking about u and I love u."

Whether or not we end up together, only time will tell. I have tried several times to date other men and try to start a relationship, but none of them work out. I don't compare these guys to him, but there's always something that turns me off. It's hard to start a relationship with someone else because I feel like I'm cheating on him. It's a crazy for me to feel this way, but I do. He's always on my mind. Not only do we have a physical attraction, but we have a strong friendship as well. We've been through a lot with our "better halves" and with each other. He knows me and I know him. I know that it's morally wrong to intrude in someone's relationship, but I didn't force him to stay in my life for so long. Either one of us could end it at any time. If we do end up together, sure he could do the same thing to me. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

It may seem like he's being selfish by him getting mad at you for being with another man, but he enjoys what you have together and doesn't want you to forget about him if you find a steady guy. And honestly if you feel the same way about him as I feel about my buddy, you'll never be able to give yourself to another man completely because your heart is elsewhere. If you start seeing someone and he gets so upset that he tells you he doesn't want to be with you anymore, let him go. Because if he truly cares about your happiness, he will respect the fact that you deserve a full time relationship just like he has. He'll have to get over it, and if he doesn't, you know where you both stand. He may get upset and back off for a while and then come back, you never know. I say, if you're tired of being alone, you have every right to find happiness elsewhere. If the 2 of you are meant to be, you'll come together somehow. But until then, go out with whoever you want. Or if you prefer, don't tell him that you found someone.

And never listen to the people who try to bring you down about the situation or if they result to name calling or saying how stupid you are for getting involved. These people have never walked in your shoes, so they can't judge. How can they pass judgement if they have never been through such a dilema before? Only take advice from people who have been where you are. If this person makes you happy and you make him happy, so be it. It's your life. If this is how you end up with the love of your life, so be it. I don't think that you are being fooled, I believe that he wants to be sure that you are seriously into him and what he has to offer you. But if he's in the open with his actions toward you and is basically inviting his mom to tell the girlfriend about you, it's pretty obvious that he wants to be with you. Don't push him away or question his actions. He really does love you, maybe his situation with the girlfriend is difficult right now and he just needs some time. If you love him, go get him. If it doesn't work out later on, at least you tried and it will make you a stronger woman. Let go and let flow.

I don't obviously know the whole story, but I have been where you are to an extent.



When I arrived to college my first day, I met my freshman year mentor, who I later realized had been instantly attracted to me. He was so kind and sweet to me, he even asked me to lunch one day. I expected nothing like this to happen. I was not even of the mind at that point to try to find a boyfriend. I guess it is true that we often find things when we are not looking. As he llived in the residence halls with the freshmen and served as a counselor of sorts, I got to know him a bit. We both enjoyed long talks. He flirted with me and pursued me in various ways. Somewhere between one to three months after we met, during a group conversation, I find out he has a serious girlfriend. Not that he should have been pursuing me anyway as there was a rule that the staff could not date students.



All around, he was very unfair to me, and just plain selfish. At the time though, I was only so willing to process that reality. I just got to know him better, and eventually knew that I loved him, at least as much as I could then. Unfortunately as the quote goes, "The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of." (Blaise Pascal). Very true, IMO. He was also unfair to his girlfriend, to put it mildly. As time went by, I came to see that he was really insecure and was afraid to leave the sure thing that he felt his girlfriend represented to take a chance on something else. I really was representative of a greater problem he had: the insecurity. And as often happens, that kind of insecurity, when wielded indiscriminately, only hurts all in its path. With time and clarity, I am thankful that it did not workout, though at the time, if I had told myself that, I might have thought I was crazy (who knows;)



We never became involved but those years were excruciating. I thought about him constantly, and always hoped that he would somehow come to me one day soon.



I was so miserable over it that after a point, even those closest to me agreed that any answer was better than none or false hope, and I decided to tell him how I felt. I was incredibly nervous, but I went down to his apartment and told him how I felt. Of course, he put on the facade of false professionalism and acted as if "oh, no...I am your mentor..." You get the picture, I am sure. I felt very used. There was no two ways about it.



He continued to flirt and lead me on until the day that he left to take another job. I was heartbroken when I heard the news, partly because he told many other people before I found out at a staff meeting (I became an RA my sophomore year-he left my junior year).



But that is not all...before he left on his merry way, he went to his boss and my two immediate supervisors and told them I was being inappropriate with him and tried to get me fired! I was incredulous. He had been grossly inappropriate and unprofessional, and had pursued me! He had also told them about waht I had said to him in his apartment that night. I was brave; he was a coward and was continuing to punish me for it to preserve a false rep.



I did not lose my job. I had to have a very emotional and difficult conversation with his boss and mine, but she and my bosses said they really did not see a reason for firing me. I was furious I was even being contemplated for any punishment as my false accuser had skated off into the sunset after causing all of this trouble and was untouchable!!



My point in telling you all of this...you don't deserve it; in fact, though I don't know you, you undoubtedly deserve to be loved by someone who is willing to love you and give you what you need and deserve without also needing to hold onto the "insurance" of a woman he is obviously so unsure of that he feels the need to cheat. By the way, she didn't deserve this either. He, like the guy I spoke of, is just dreadfully insecure. The problem here is that, and I say this gently because I truly know how you feel, you enable him by allowing him to have both of you. What do you have? As you say, the moments he gives you when he deems it, which, at that, are marred by the shroud of secrecy that surrounds your involvement with one another. Sounds good for him. But you, no. His girlfriend, no. I honestly think that he is not necessarily afraid of dear old mom telling his girlfriend because 1) he figures he has you b/c you have always been there. 2) he is a coward and doesn't mind having someone else make things easier for him by taking away his need to make decisions.



Also, for someone who took no responsibility for his own life, he sure had enough to say about what you did. He is very controlling. I dealt with someone like this. It is not cute, and people who deal with men like this could tell you what other disturbing behavior that leads to often times. I would hate to think of you in a physically abusive relationship. Do you want kids? I am sure I don't need to tell you the implications of his behavior, present and potential, on kids.



As for your question as to if he cares about you...realize it really has little to do with anything you have done because from what I know, he is the one who was wronging you, among others. He probably cared for you to the extent that someone with his emotional and psychological limitations could. I don't think he cares for himself, so how can he care about anyone else? He did not have the where-with-all to see what he had in you and to do what he had to to nurture it. If he were truly a guy with a girlfriend who had met you and realized he was with the wrong woman, he owed it to all involved to break it off as gently as possibly with the other woman before getting involved with you. Someday you will find someone who really deserves you. When you do, you will be very thankful that you dropped this guy, even though now it may be very hurtful. Ever heard the songs "Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts or "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks? Listen to the lyrics and I think you may understand what I mean if you don't already.



The decision is ultimately yours. I know, because it was once me, that you will not do what you need to until you are ready. You can hear what I or anyone else says loud and clear but not really be willing to listen yet. That comes in its own time, either because life or someone else forces it upon us, or you get so angry about what is going on that you say "No more." I know people tried to tell me, but I had to be ready to face it. I am grateful for their understanding and patience to this day. Those kind of people are the ones to hang onto:)



Look, you aren't stupid. If someone says otherwise, they don't get it. Like I was, you may be being purposefully blind, but if I had to say, I think you already knew alot of what I am saying now. You just wanted to run it by someone else that is outside of it. That is sound. I have and still do so that sometimes. Talking things out is helpful and can be a learning experience.



I wish you the best of luck. If you would like to message me, that would be ok:)