One More Sad Song..
So I fell in love and I fell hard.. It was going great and I was happy.. Until he confessed his marriage to me..
It's not like I meant to and I should've read the signs that kept appearing.. I got attention, but only at certain times.. I would be ignored sometimes when I called but I thought he just had a crazy work schedule.. I could never go to his house it was always mine.. It was mind boggling in that second he told me my life changed.. I was a mistress.. Instead of breaking up with the guy I kept up our relationship.. I was in love, so I told myself.. He always said he loved me and wished he could leave his family but he had his responsibilties to them.. At first it was easy to put "her" to the back of my mind.. But than it started getting bad.. We had constant discussions about why he was with me if he still loved her.. "You and her have different qualities and she's the mother of my kids." I always told him that if it ever came down to it I would always want him to choose what's best for his kids.. I wasn't going to be selfish like some women can be.. I just kept telling myself *It's for the kids, he's only with her for the kids..* Than she called one day while he was with me and he answered the phone.. ((First time, so awkward, right?)) .. She sounded so incredibly in love with him, she just wanted to talk to him to see how his day was and to remind him of things they needed at home, how she loved him.. Jealousy hit me instantly, cause while I listened I knew it wasn't one sided love.. He was happy too.. So why was he there? With me? What was I doing? Again, I brushed off my instincts, * He loves me too..* It got harder and harder to come to the reality.. While I was at home hugging my pillow, he was hugging her..
I fell again, just not into love, into a depression.. I was so lonely and wanted him.. Wanted him for myself.. Wanted to come before his wife, before his kids.. I just wanted them to be gone.. Those thoughts right there.. Scared the hell out of me.. What had I become?
I think the last straw for me or should have been.. Was when we were laying in bed with each other cuddling and falling asleep I reached my hand over to intertwine my fingers with his, like I had done in our past and saw his ring.. He had kept it on.. My world went crashing.. I started crying myself to sleep every night my words of encouragment that he loved me turned into words of he's just using me.. But I loved him still.
The best thing to happen to me was when he stopped talking to me.. Disconnected me all together.. No goodbye.. No, "You've turned into a psycho..".. Just nothing.. Cut off completely.. The first month, was.. I'm not even sure what to call it.. It just was.. I was so worried about him.. What happened is he okay? .. I tried calling, emailing, texting.. He disconnected me.. I realized what he did after I got over my madness.. He made his choice.. The choice I told him if need be, to make.. It hurt, it still hurts.. I feel stupid.. But I still loved him, he was a good guy, for the most part.. I still believe he loved me too, as naive as that may sound.. He loved me, just too late.