Just 2 years ago if you would have told me "soon you will fall in love with a married man while you're still married" I would have looked at you like you were crazy and then go on to tell you how much I love my husband! Of course, complicated stories like this have many details that I couldn't even begin to explain, but to make a long story short, I married a guy I met when I was in highschool at the age of 19 years. He was in the military which meant, if I didn't marry him then I couldn't see him when I wanted to. We loved each other enough we got married. After finishing college I moved to be with him. Of course, he was gone a good portion of our marriage, I was going to school again to finish my bachelors and then begin my Master's. I wanted to be a successful business women living in a big town or perhaps a city. He was very different though. He was country guy who loved to hunt, fish and drink beer. He loved small towns and wouldn't really like to consider anything else. Our common interests were few and far between...but we made due, meaning, I felt that I sacrificed my passions and desires for him. At best, he would compromise on certain things, but it wasn't always a happy occassion.
I believed that my life was good because I would rather experience something with someone rather than living my life doing what I love to do, but having no one. So, in my eyes it worked. To me, it seemed impossible to have it all, although in the back of my mind I was a dreamer and a part of me wanted to prove otherwise. Aftrer several deployments and training he finally got out of the military after investing 7 1/2 years and married for 6. He didn't know what he wanted to do after getting out of the military. He thought he wanted to go back to his hometown which was a population of 2600 people. I agreed because I thought that would make him happy. He knew good and well that it was not what I wanted but I did it anyway. We lived with his parents until he found a job. Nothing available. He did odds and end jobs and finally I encrouaged him to go to college. Of course where he would go was alywas up for debate because I wanted to be in a city. He really didn't even want to go to college anyway. But eventually, we compromised and went back to my hometown so he could attend college. I found a decent job that I grew to really enjoy! My husband hadn't found a job yet, so he stayed in his hometown (1 1/2 hrs. away) to finish some farming.
So, I began going out with people from work so that I could get in with the VP's. I started talking to ???? (that's what I will refer to him as). He was handsome and intelligent, we had great conversation. I never looked at him twice during work beforehand until then. **Side Note - when I went for my interview at this place, there were pcitures on the wall of people in a specific department. I literally stopped dead in my tracks to check this person out, because I could have swore up and down that I knew him, but couldn't figure out how. I stared at the picture for what seemed to be a few minutes. It was ???? I never met him in my life at that time.)*** After a very lengthy conversation at the bar, we left that place as the only ones there. I saw a look in his eyes like he almost wanted to kiss me. Of course, in my mind it was never a consideration, I was married! Well, ???? was married too, with one child. He is italian which means he is a devoted catholic as well. I'm sure that will explain a lot later. Let me say this much, ???? is a man that I know I have dreamt about. We compliment each other. We love the same way, we value and desire the same things, and can I say...PASSION! That's something neither one of us have experienced! If I had to think what would hurt worse,letting go of my husband or letting go of ????, it hurst more to think of letting ???? go! He is the man I want and feel I should be with! So, here we are now, hundreds of conversations later, I've been divorced since August '09 and I'm still seeing ????. He is going to counseling with his wife to help figure out the best way to handle the divorce process for his child.
They began going to counseling last month and haven't went but maybe a handful of times. No papers have been signed, drawn up and no lawyers have been involved yet. His child will be getting out of school so if anything is going to happen this seems like the ideal time so if his wife decided to move away (which is a strong possibliyt) that will give his child time to adjust before school begins. I just don't know how much I can take! He says be patient, that it is going to take time.
He loves me and knows I'm the girl for him...but i'm beside myself. I have done everything I can to be patient and sane! I've gone to counseling, exercise, eat well, stay busy, take anti-depresants, anti-anxiety pills, I even purchased a puppy to give me something to do to take my mind off of this. Nothing seems to work. I rarely see him and this past month has been extremely difficult due to life circumstances that cannot be helped. It's been over a month and I have only seen him a total of 1/2 a day. That's not fair, right or acceptable! I know if he had it his way he would see me more often, but he's married and has a child which takes time away from me. I am young, single and beautiful.So... I have a date with someone soon, just to allow myself to see what else is out there, but to tell you the truth, it's just a way to pass the time. Which isn't fair to that person! I am at my wits end and really don't know what else to do. Wait or not wait, it all hurts! It's not a matter if he will get divorced, it's WHEN. Can I get through this staying sane, happy and healthy? Can our relationship survive this and still have the oportunity for happiness together?? Crying everyday sucks and I wish that I could find a way where I didn't think or care so much! It's complicated!!! Any suggestions anyone????