It's Nothing To Brag About.
Posted May 3rd, 2011 at 5:34PM
This relationship was the icing on the cake of a lengthy string of extremely BAD choices I was making at the time.
We saw each other for 18 months solid. What an emotional roller-coaster. I was on top of the world when I was with him, or if I knew he was on his way or I'd be seeing him soon and in the pits of despair when he left or 'couldn't' get away to be with me. What a complete fool I was.
Eventually he started sharing little facts about his wife with me, like cute things she'd do, anecdotes that made me realize that this poor lady was the real victim in the whole situation. Finally near the end of the 18 months, I gave him three more days to confess to her what he and I both knew she knew anyway, and he couldn't do it. So at the end of the three days, I invited her to the aparment so close to his office and allowed her to bring her attorney as well.
I didn't offer any information given the extremely delicate nature of the situation and my desire to not inflict any further damage than I already had. I just answered her questions.
I still have an extremely hard time trying to have any kind of relationship with a man to this day. I have been single since the spring of 2008 and don't have the desire to even bother trying anymore. Been there, done that.
To anyone else who is "the other": GET OUT of it as SOON as you can!!! You may be able to salvage the ability to have a NORMAL relationship one day.
To anyone who is considering BEING "the other": DON'T DO IT.
To anyone considering having an "other": You got married WHY again? Your vows consisted of what, and mean what to you?
Even though that chapter of my life was nearly twenty years ago, I continue to suffer horrible consequences to my foolish actions. Be ye therefore warned.
By the way, everyone involved (both directly and indirectly) end up being victimized in this situation; first and foremost, the married person's spouse, the only completely innocent victim (unless there are children). The disastrously twisted, disfiguring affects on "the other (woman or man)" I would not wish on the foulest of enemies, and I would imagine the married person involved in the affair doesn't get away emotionally scot-free, either.
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I know the feeling. been there done that i'm wearing the t-shirt. infact we were 3 [his wife who was staying at home in another province , other mistress who is staying in another location where he was staying before he came here & mi]
I decided to end it the moment I saw that he is still incontact with her. that was 2 weeks ago. ysterday I saw him I feel ve y bad & sad coz I still love him
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Human beings are strange. He could have been a total jerk who took you for a ride, just used you. Or he was also lost, really did not know what to do. Either way, no good can come to you living in the past. There is only pain.
You were strapped, needed that emotional support which perhaps you did not get from your family. No one there to give that shelter, that safety of being needed and wanted. It is hard when you thirst for that. Real hard. So do not be so unkind to yourself. Thirsty people do strange things. They are not bad just thirsty. Let go and move on.
He committed adultery. If not you, he would have done that with another woman. In the end you did the right thing, did you not? That is the good in you.
The good in you, do not waste it. Give it to someone or to something. Do not live in the past. The real tragedy will be if you do not move on. You have been in a prison for a long time. Time to
come out and live. Be good to yourself. Take care of you.
God bless. -
Excellent advice
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You did well
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You make it sound as if your a Victim in this story. It's a choice that YOU made to go down this road, when you did.
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let me tel you now that no one ever imagines what it will be like once you fall inlove with the married man you are dating.it's two opposite ends of the stick.and yes the other woman as wel as the wife do become victums and if the MM loves you he suffers too.(I wont even talk about kids)you clearly have no idea what this kind of situation entails. -
A woman Scorned, They are the biggest ******* of all as you proved! Your actions were not foolish, they were nasty, whether the guy was married or not, you were quite prepared to use your sexuality to put food on your table, to have a roof over your and your children's heads. As you said " I continue to suffer horrible consequences to my foolish actions." Sorry but you will always be where you are today, Nice people are not so scheming like you. You got what you deserved.
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to both you and destiny24 the wife has the right to know so that she can make an informed decision about her future with a man who betrayed her.I am the other woman and although my situation is vastly different to this, his wife who pushed him away before i met him still wanted to know certain things when he told her he was seeing me.I havent allowed it because she's scary and would probably attack me but my point is she didnt want him and still wanted to know so that she could make the right decision for her.NB NB dont make assumptions she never said she did it for material gain SHE FELL INLOVE WITH THIS MAN.
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U were vengeful n spiteful now u act like the victim. boo hoo. u deserve to be alone forever n always be filled with pain.
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i agree - it was very selfish, she chose to have an affair with a married man...she knew he was married, it wasn't as if he lied about it. -
what rocks are you idiots living under? He LIED about being married by failing to disclose that fact and the question should never have to be asked "are you married?" because a decent human being will volunteer that information first and foremost and not be looking to cheat in the first place. -
Hey you did the right thing. Ive been on the wrong side and made a fool. Please understand not all men are bad. Good luck
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I have sinned so i will not pass judgement on you...but i will offer you a nice fuzzy, warm hug! :-)
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I am sorry it all ended badly for you but your own experiences do not make it set in stone for everyone else.
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no her experience doesn't but I'v had a really rough time dealing with being the other woman and i have joined many web sites that offer support much like this and the happy ever afters are few and far inbetween. Im pretty sure mine will be a happy ending but what I'v personally had to go through to get it was bad. I would never have continued to see him if I knew then what I know now.
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if you don't want to be the other woman then don' t be the other woman. however,if you chose to be the other woman and he is honest about it, then accept it for what it is and don't ruin his life or his wife's life. very small action by a very small person.1 more reply
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You knew he was married, you went in with your eyes open! no wonder your husband divorced you, It must have been hell living with a nasty, spiteful women like you, everything you get in life you deserve.
No doubt you have brought your children up to be vengeful like you. -
You remind me of someone I knew and you are really inconsiderate! Why did you go out with him? More so you cannot have it all! I have come to the conclusion that ladies like you are somewhat selfish! The lady in my case threatened to blackmail me and really HURT me after all I had done for her! BUT I am the foolish one trusting a person like you and I hope you never find a suitable person as you are not respect the sanctity of an affair!Vows are made and broken when the other partner fails in his/her own matrimonial obligations!!
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The good you do follows you, but also the bad. However, forgive yourself, start standing for proper morals and principles and move on.
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I read your story and I am a wife that has been cheated on. My husband almost left me for her. I had no idea that he was having an affair for over 1 1/2 years. When I found out (by accident) it completely distroyed me. I thought I had a perfect life. A wonderful husband and 3 wonderful children. When I found out he had just deployed. I was destroyed. My whole world caved in on me. I took all of my heart pills and died...but they were able to bring me back. The only reason I am still with him is because I am getting my degree. When I am done, so is my marriage. He isn't having affairs anymore but the damage is done and it is not the same between us anymore. I just don't care any more.
I just wanted to say my part ...If someone is going to have an affair, why not just be honest and say that they don't feel the same way about the person they are with anymore? -
I am actually really proud of the origional poster. She had and affair, made bad choices (just like everyone in the world). She learned from her mistake and was really brave to post her story on here. I may be new but if you look at other posting by other people they are saying "make sure you get lots of money and expensive jewelry so you can cash it in later"
At least this poster was saying look I made this mistake, Please don't make the same one. -
Attention Haters (specifically: tyler3222, Loosewife -- the name says it ALL, destiney24): Understand that he'd been telling me for MONTHS that she knew, she was asking, and he continued to deny it. I gave him the *additional* seventy-two hours to confess after he told me that she thought she was going INSANE and had started both seeing a psychiatrist and taking medication, and her hair was falling out. I gave him three days to tell her what she already knew in (FINALLY at least) consideration of HER sanity.
I don't deny deserving the consequences, though; God will not be mocked; what a (hu)man reaps, that will he also sow. And I forever continue to stand by my decision to ultimately choose the right thing in the absence of the person who should have done the confessing (the cheating husband).
We don't get to go back and redo it, folks.
PS: navarre: "the sanctity of an affair"..........are you serious?
and to Lanya: Good luck with that. -
that was a pathetic thing to do. you knew so you should put your big girl pants on and accept that it was YOUR choice, not hers.
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Sanctity of an affair .. Rofl! :-D Exactly!
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Well, the concensus of opinion appears to be split. IMO, I think you're being a little hard on yourself when you called yourself a "fool" for what you did.
I know the saying is older than Moses: but, "Love is blind". Whether you did what did out of "love, loneliness, protecting your children ---- whatever" ---- you made the call. Right or wrong. And it is not we who can judge you because many of us have experienced just what you went through.
You're beating up on yourself, years after you "went wrong" --- and you need to stop doing that.
It's done. I'ts over. Now move on and find THAT loving relationship which you seek and deserve.
Finally ---- no matter how our opinions may well differ --- I think that we're all impressed with the fact that you wanted to "come clean" with his wife. That speaks volumes for your character. In fact, I would say that "that" gesture far overshadows any "wrong" that you did.
Again, an old saying: "Time heals all wounds". It's time to "come clean" with YOURSELF and remember, after all is said and done --- that you "did the right thing". Single and lonely? Well, join most of the rest of us.
I wish you the best of luck in finding that right man. I'm confident you will. Regards, jim3130 -
I admire your courage to come out clean. I have been the other woman and I know what it is all. please disregard all the negative comments you got here they will NEVER understand what it meant to you. Forgive yourself and be open to love. I did it and am happy to have a man that truly loves me and we are thinking of even getting married. Love yourself don't sweat it and love will find you. All the best. ((Hugs & Kisses))
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i don't admire you at all. when you woke up and said "wow, he loves his wife" you couldn't stand it. so you went ahead and made sure she felt as awful as the person you are. put your head further in the sand you home wrecker because sites like this people will buy you bull----. some of us won't buy it. he told you he was married from the start! what did you want to get out of this relationship? oh, i know you got what you wanted, you broke up his home. ok, on to your next job. perhaps the next family will only take you 12 months because you sound pretty good at it. i am sorry, did you also bring a lawyer? awful, awful awful person.
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well said calvin
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when you find out that he was a married man you were supposed to get out of the relationship you were busy enjoying with him while the wife was crying ,how do you sleep at night knowing that your in a relationship with a married man, you wanted him to leave his wife your are destroyer ,you deserve the pain.
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to fionar78: you're right. I should have immediately run as far away as I could, but I stupidly and selfishly chose not too. And yeah, I deserved every painful consequence of my own selfishness. See, my hope is that other people facing a similar choice might see my experience and (I pray!) decide *against* becoming involved in an affair. That is my whole reason for laying it out for the world to see; my hope is that someone else will benefit from my experience and make better choices.
That WAS over twenty years ago. All I could find is a group in the present tense (I -love- a married man, not "I LOVED (past tense!) a married man").
to calvin138:
#1) he did NOT tell me he was married from the start. Where the hell are you getting these lies? We'd been seeing each other for WEEKS before my (then) naive-a$$ figured it out and confronted him and confirmed that yes, he was married.
Oh yeah, and when you read the things that people post, READ THE ENTIRE THING.
Obviously, you didn't see:
"...that chapter of my life was nearly twenty years ago"
I didn't "wake up and say "wow, he loves his wife"; he told me enough about her to open my eyes to the destruction that he and I both were causing her and once I accepted and faced what MY part in it was, I made the best decision I could.
And with regard to "your are destroyer, you deserve the pain", do you seriously consider yourself perfect enough to sit in Judgement? Who the hell do you think you are? Try getting that huge plank of wood out of your own eye before worrying about the splinter in mine.
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to Annabelle111, jim3130, BaruchEli, koosymen, LimeGreen96): It's folks like you, sentient, thinking beings who read stories in their entirety and respond with intelligence that keep me coming back to E.P. Thanks! -
Those who are without sin or fault, throw the first stone. Every person on this earth has some kind of fault. The brave are the ones who can stand up and say, "I messed up and I'm forever sorry." And why is it that the other woman is usually the only one to get blamed? I see it all the time, sure perhaps the couple get divorced, but it's the woman that is hated. Not one of the "haters" out there had a bad word to say about how this man sweet talked a young divorced mother and let her fall in love with him. This is how many of those cheaters operate, as they know women like this are easy to "catch". Men that try to cheat, want to cheat and will go to any lengths to do so. But I would also like to say this to those women who are dating a married man and are waiting to marry him when he's "free". If you married a man cheated on his wife with you, you married a man who cheats on his wife.
You hang tough there afreimann, and let yourself live life. You've made a mistake, admitted it
and paid for it, in full. I'd like to know how long those 'haters' who never did anything wrong in their life, want you to pay. Oh yeah, I forgot, someone said for the rest of your life. I have news for them, they're not your judge, God is. I'm sure you have prayed for forgiveness and perhaps you've been forgiven and you haven't hear it because you are so full of guilt. I bet he's still proud of himself and probably still a cheater. God Bless you. -
Very good story.. I was in a similar situation and decided that
I'm worth more than being a side piece of ***... I'm more main dish material -
you know, one of the lessons to be learned here, is that if the man is married, he is married, end of story!! no matter how much you love him, it doesnt give you the right to just barge in there, wreck his marriage, and take him for yourself!! he might have told you that his wife knew about the affair, but at the end of the day, he was still "Married"!! i always have some sympathy with women that end up getting involved with men, without knowing they are married, but i gather that you knew he was married before you started the affair, so in this case, im, sorry, but i dont have any sympathy with you, cos no matter how many times this other guy told you how much he loved or hated his wife, or how happy or unhappy he was, you always have to remember that there is always 2 sides to every story!! although i do applaud you for doing the right thing in the end, and ending the relationship, even though i do agree with some other comments here!! it does sound as though you wanted to get back at him, and make him feel as bad as you felt about the whole affair!!
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Your conveniently tailor your story to make him seem worse than you. You end the story by making sure he is the one who pays a price for not leaving his wife for you. You seem focused on revenge, but you are equally responsible. You should have walked away and left him alone to deal with his life instead of vengefully going to his wife. You wanted payback. Perhaps if that wasn't your main motive you will be able to move on and forgive yourself. Stop judging him. That's God's job wen the time comes. I feel so bad for the wife you took out your bad choices on. Whether she knew or not, whether he ever told her or not, it was not your concern. It was theirs alone. Doesn't that still just **** you off that you never had a real claim or any rights here in your scenario? Accept it. Your replies to others who you clearly invited to comment or you wouldn't be here reek of your anger and still trying to justify what you did...he hurt me so I hurt him back. Those people are right, my dear. Your experience was a bad one, but accept your role.
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All claims and rights come out of the human relationships we engage in. Too often men want to have their flings and don't want the emotional fallout that results
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It is not right for us to pass judgment on someone unless we have been in the same shoes. 2 months ago, I ended a relationship with a married woman. We had known each other for 4 years. I was friends with her husband and her children. I got divorced from my wife of 22 years because of the relationship. What the poster said about the roller coaster ride is very true. The ups are very up, the downs are way down. It truly drove me crazy. It has been challenging to right my ship, but right it I have. And there is no more roller coaster ride. The challenge that you have is to find the strength and the courage to get out there. Take what you have learned, and build the best relationship that you can with someone. Life is meant to be lived. We have in us the ability to be happy. It is up to us. Thanks for sharing with us.
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Wow, for some reason I was shocked by the level of wrath in some of these comments. My comment was going to be more of an analysis of the scenario and a critique of your writing (I thought when I signed up with Experience Project it was for aspiring authors). I admire your courage for reading the comments. So, as a fellow "other woman" let me say, I usually find the men to blame in these situations. In my life (I'm 60) I've been attracted to married men who would never dream of cheating, but who let me know they were attracted to me and flattered. The ones who will cheat are more to blame than the other woman. They have a choice to make and they choose to risk their marriage. The other woman has a choice, but if she doesn't jump at the chance he'll find another victim eventually. I'm not saying it's a good thing to be the other woman, but having been there, I know painful and destructive the affair can be for everyone. But, well, **** happens. It can be extremely difficult to walk away from someone you believe (at the time) is the love of your life.
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In response to:
Posted by cowshed123 on May 12th, 2011 at 8:34PM
... but i gather that you knew he was married before you started the affair:
(Nope, we had been seeing each other for weeks before I got any inclination to even ask him if he was married).
i do applaud you for doing the right thing in the end, and ending the relationship, even though i do agree with some other comments here!! it does sound as though you wanted to get back at him, and make him feel as bad as you felt about the whole affair!!
(No, I didn't want revenge, I only wanted to do the right thing, which is why I IMPLORED him to tell her, I spent hours trying to convince him to come clean with her, that he might have been able to salvage the marriage by admitting what she told him she already knew. How I wish he had. But the poor lady was seeing a psychiatrist, for God's sake, and needed the truth from wherever she could get it. This is why I didn't volunteer any information and only answered her questions, I was not out for revenge. Revenge for what? He didn't force me to stupidly keep seeing him.) -
In response to:
Posted by SacredChaos on May 13th, 2011 at 9:01AM
Your conveniently tailor your story to make him seem worse than you (How so? I'm only telling the truth here).
You end the story by making sure he is the one who pays a price for not leaving his wife for you (No, all of us paid a price, his poor wife who was the single most innocent person concerned unfairly paid the highest price).
You seem focused on revenge, but you are equally responsible (Irrefutably, yes, I solely am responsible for MY choices, no one else is).
You should have walked away and left him alone to deal with his life instead of vengefully going to his wife.(and leave her to go on without truth? That would have been the cruelest thing I possibly could have done at that point).
You wanted payback. (So you, being human, deem yourself capable of judging me when "the heart is deceitful and wicked above all else, who can know it?" Here's some truth: you're wrong. No, I did NOT want payback.)
Perhaps if that wasn't your main motive you will be able to move on and forgive yourself. (I do forgive myself, and continue to remain repentant by never having another extramarital affair since the end of that one. Never will). Stop judging him. That's God's job wen the time comes.(You're absolutely right and my only judgement is that he ultimately continued to choose poorly by not confessing to his wife since needed the truth, preferably from HIM, more than anything.)
I feel so bad for the wife you took out your bad choices on. (Took my bad choices out on? She was profusely grateful, truly a 100% class-act all the way).
Whether she knew or not, whether he ever told her or not, it was not your concern. (Not once I knew that her knowledge of the affair coupled with the lies was killing her. It would have been far more cruel to keep Truth from her at the point she reached with having been lied to for so long. Someone needed to tell her the truth; it's terribly sad that he didn't tell her. That would have been the best of all scenarios, but I couldn't make him do it).
It was theirs alone. Doesn't that still just **** you off that you never had a real claim or any rights here in your scenario? (Not at all, only very ashamed for my selfish behaviour and very, very sad).
Accept it. Your replies to others who you clearly invited to comment or you wouldn't be here reek of your anger (yes, I have no tolerance for stupidity nor do I appreciate feedback from the half-wits who are for whatever reason incapable or of perceiving my REGRET for ever getting involved in an affair to begin with).
and still trying to justify what you did...he hurt me so I hurt him back (SHE DESERVED TRUTH, it's not my fault that I was the only one with enough spine to give it to her).
Those people are right, my dear. Your experience was a bad one, but accept your role. (yes, hence the confession and cessation of that affair along with the resultant benefit of never making the same mistake again). -
Love. Something we all want. The truth is, we are all mixing love with ‘leaning on’ our love ob
ject.
We want emotional/material support. We want our loved one to stand by us, give to us and be for us.
Are we not able to stand on our own feet? We all are able, thou it is sometimes hard, so there we are finding love which will fulfill this needs.
It’s easy and comfortable under the name of ‘love’ to ‘lean on someone’.
Married man who is looking for “excitement, understanding, attention” is just normal product of marriage where excitement is replaced by duties/obligations/responsibilities -all this house loans, car loans, children schools fees, dealing with growing up children and they emotional/material needs.
We may change partners but we will end up on the same road because in the furry of everyday living we are forgetting to love.
I just want to say, as until we are comfortable in our own shoes and are able to live on our own dealing with our luggage we should not look for ‘love’ – because we simply are looking for the other half to fulfill our unfulfilled desires.
In case of Afreimen - I don’t think as any of you were right or wrong. You were right for each other at the time. Wife – she was not perfect definitely as well –if she will be, her man will not look for someone else. Afreimen didn’t have what she want – men for herself only- so she ‘bravely’ ended up her relationship causing more fireworks. Unnecessary. By the way – if she loved the man why she want to punish him? Was it real love?
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