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It's Nothing To Brag About.

Many years ago, in the early 1990's when I was newly divorced and had two tiny babies (now 19 and almost 18), I became very, very involved with a married man. He used to come see me at work on the regular and ended up moving me in to an apartment five minutes away from his office.
This relationship was the icing on the cake of a lengthy string of extremely BAD choices I was making at the time.
We saw each other for 18 months solid. What an emotional roller-coaster. I was on top of the world when I was with him, or if I knew he was on his way or I'd be seeing him soon and in the pits of despair when he left or 'couldn't' get away to be with me. What a complete fool I was.

Eventually he started sharing little facts about his wife with me, like cute things she'd do, anecdotes that made me realize that this poor lady was the real victim in the whole situation. Finally near the end of the 18 months, I gave him three more days to confess to her what he and I both knew she knew anyway, and he couldn't do it. So at the end of the three days, I invited her to the aparment so close to his office and allowed her to bring her attorney as well.
I didn't offer any information given the extremely delicate nature of the situation and my desire to not inflict any further damage than I already had. I just answered her questions.

I still have an extremely hard time trying to have any kind of relationship with a man to this day. I have been single since the spring of 2008 and don't have the desire to even bother trying anymore. Been there, done that.

To anyone else who is "the other": GET OUT of it as SOON as you can!!! You may be able to salvage the ability to have a NORMAL relationship one day.
To anyone who is considering BEING "the other": DON'T DO IT.
To anyone considering having an "other": You got married WHY again? Your vows consisted of what, and mean what to you?

Even though that chapter of my life was nearly twenty years ago, I continue to suffer horrible consequences to my foolish actions. Be ye therefore warned.

By the way, everyone involved (both directly and indirectly) end up being victimized in this situation; first and foremost, the married person's spouse, the only completely innocent victim (unless there are children). The disastrously twisted, disfiguring affects on "the other (woman or man)" I would not wish on the foulest of enemies, and I would imagine the married person involved in the affair doesn't get away emotionally scot-free, either.
afreimann afreimann 41-45, F 71 Responses May 3, 2011

Your Response


You've learned from your error. Forgive yourself because you are worthy of being loved. Best of luck to you your kids have a great mother.

Forgive yourself .

Thank you for acknowledging that the spouse of the married man or woman is the real victim. I am the spouse of a man who had an affair. I will never be the same. I am destroyed. I appreciate your honesty. And you should feel proud that you are truly remorseful for the part you played.

Let's resurrect a dead horse. The telling line here is "I didn't learn of my ex's marriage until weeks into the relationship and, at that age and lack of any maturity at the time, I stayed in it WAAAAY too long before ending it"
It's always someone elses fault and yes, she played god. How pathetic.

Cheat much, robotsan?

Occasionally had. Now I more often I find women who understand open relationships. You, on the other hand, will punish anyone who makes YOU feel bad regardless of the consequences to innocent people. You played prosecuting attorney, judge, jury, and executioner for a crime you committed with your accused accomplice. Nice work being god, isn't it?

No, you're mistaken; had it been an open situation, with honesty and integrity involved, it never would have been left to the ONLY person with the truth who was willing to disclose it to bring that gal the freedom she both needed and deserved. I am all for polyamorous relationships but the thing is, people into poly are *open* and *honest* about it and had he been? Wow, that could have been an entirely different situation. I did everything I could to get him to tell her, and he refused. I couldn't leave the poor lady hanging, thinking she was losing her mind, like that. I think that would have been crueler than honestly answering her questions. She agreed, or probably wouldn't have thanked me for my honesty as she did. And, no, it sucked. That is why I hope that perhaps someone in a similar situation will read this and change their mind about getting into that type of destructive, secretive thing.

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Thank you for sharing this. I honor and admire the integrity you display.

I was the wife whose husband had an affair. In these situations I still hold the cheating spouse most responsible. That person is the one who made an 'agreement.' In my situation my husband held a double is usually the case.

Though this knowledge is shattering in so many ways, the truth is always the way. You did the right thing in telling his wife. She had/has the right to make the choices as to how she wants to proceed with her life with full knowledge of the TRUTH of her husband and marriage.

If I read your statement were not aware this man was married when you embarked on your rommance with him? If so, he deceived 2 women. When you learned the truth, you finally did the 'right' thing.

Before I married I moved to a small town of around 15,000 pop for my job. A charming, handsome man came into my office on business.........then continued to come back just to see me. He asked me to dinner. I accepted. We went out more and more frequently. He was always happy to be seen in public and introduce me to everyone. Soon we were going out to dinner and dancing and county fairs and everywhere almost nightly.
I was shocked and devistated when I discovered he was married. It was hard, but I confronted him and ended our relationship. - It was really, really hard for me because he was absolutely the best I've ever had in bed (then and now) and I thought he was the love of my life. But, I knew if he had made a commitment to another woman and held her is such low value..........he would eventually do the same to me. Different from you, I did not feel guilty. I was openly and conspiratorialy decevied.

You have suffered enough!
You have PAID for being with a married man!
You are absolved!
Move on, live on, love on!

Thank you so much, NewAdventurer; this was a number of years ago; I truly don't have any residual guilt from the debacle; and to let you know, yes, I didn't learn of my ex's marriage until weeks into the relationship and, at that age and lack of any maturity at the time, I stayed in it WAAAAY too long before ending it; I did the best I could at the time though and sleep soundly as far as this is concerned. His ex wife was afforded the Truth, eventually closure with the ensuing divorce, and moved on to remarry I believe. Good for her!

why would you post this comment it is sad to hear but nothing can come from this relationship

I agree, fresh; that's why I shared it here; perhaps someone in a similar situation will see themselves in this and have the good fortune to realize that they need to change the situation. I certainly hope so. If what I've shared here only benefits one other person, it's worth it all.

Wow I am stunned at your honesty and humility. I am the spouse and yes it hurts more deeply than I care to admit, but you I would have forgiven.

it is tuff it is very easy to fall in love with two. and how to get out with out hurting one or both of em?<br />
than there are some of us that just love all woman and sex!! and sex is our weakness. don t want hurt any one just want some fun!!! dam i love woman!!!! woman and sex! how to get a lot with out hurting them?? can sneak off and pay but that has risks also std s pluss lot of hookers are doing because have to not want to so??? dam you woman why do ya have to be soooo nice??/

If you 'love' all women I might like to meet you! ;)

But, back to the topic of the can and should love and appreciate as many women as you want and should bed as many as will have should flirt.........spank...........rommance as many as you want!
If you are a player. Make it always very clear that YOU are a PLAYER.
And don't ask for, or agree to, a manogamous relationship.

Don't make agreements you have no intention or ability to keep. Nor ask those agreements of others.
Really quite Simple.

Damn, I love the self-righteous people on here telling you that you got what you deserved. Everyone makes mistakes and they live with the consequences. You are living with yours. Nobody on here can say they have escaped making mistakes in their own lives. If there is one thing I cannot stand it's a self-righteous person with all the answers! Yes, you made a mistake but you learned something and so did the other two people involved. I realized yesterday I find one of my married friends pretty attractive but I'm going to stay as far away from that as I can! That's not territory I want to step into! At the very least, you have learned something and you haven't made the same mistake twice. Forget the self-righteous fools with all the answers.

Everyone accepts that people make mistakes, but it was the nasty revenge and spiteful attitude of telling his wife that most people object to.

I think nobody knows their true reaction to something until they are in the situation. Every single action of hers was *wrong* for the whole situation. What I object to are people who take opportunities like this to talk someone down in an effort to boost themselves up knowing full well they have done something awful themselves at some time. I'm sure there are no saints here on ep.

The more you expose your stupidity with these inane, deluded comments, 'Loosewife', the more grateful I am that I was not cursed with being you, or even like you. You are a fool, and an idiot.

Hear, Hear, writingablog! A sentient, reasonable, thinking, logical being... what a breath of fresh air you are!


To Loosewife,

I do not think her actions were either mean or vengeful. She was honest and gave an innocent the TRUTH about her spouse.

It is far BEST to make decisions about future, life and marriage based on truth instead of LIES and fairytales.

But, I do understand that those who are deceiving don't want the ugly truth to surface.

TRUTH: a party pooper

Hear, hear, NewAdventurer, and thank you for promoting the TRUTH. DAMN sometimes Truth is so bloody costly and it's nearly always divisive and controversial.

unfortunately almost laughable...........sadly so.
I think it is because the TRUTH is a threat to those who practice deception as a way of life. I actually know people that would perfer to lie than tell the truth.........even though the truth would serve better.
For many it is an addiction..........

So............we'll keep smiling
being truthful.........
lol.........really messes up loosewives and husbands!!!

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What the haters fail to realize is that the married man is not an innocent in all this. He was looking to cheat, and so he did. If not with you, with someone else. Funny how we always blame the other woman for seducing him and not the MM for seducing her. What I have found from my own experience is that oncce a man starts cheating, he will do it again. Its a hard pill to swallow, but its true. Even if the mistress ends up with him, sooner or later he will feel the urge to cheat again. <br />
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I dont blame you for telling the wife. She deserved the truth about her husband. I always wanted to know the truth about mine. My ex lacked the courage to tell me the last time, and simply dialed the number of his girlfriend, and let her explain it to me. While I was furious at her, I was even more upset with him. He went out of his way to connect with this woman, drove out of town to see her, bought her things with my money ( he didnt work) ran up the phone bill, and lied continuously about what was going on. There was so much betrayal I can't even list it all here. It didn't begin and end with having sex with another woman. It affected every part of his life, my life, our life together. <br />
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Because we were prominent members of our church, I tried to work it out and stayed married, so as not to cause a scandal. Nothing worked. He would act like he was sorry and things would go back to 'normal' for awhile, but every couple of years he would find another girlfriend. I found some of the emails back and forth, and he lied to them as much as he lied to me. And the women - they were more naieve than I was. They believed him without question. He manipulated all of us. And they absolutely would not let him go. Such a prize he was! I'm sure the one that ended up with him is regretting her decision, its been past the two year mark and I know he can't keep his pants on that long...

Wow. What a total bastard! I'm so sorry that you've been put through all of that and I'm glad that you are no longer in his clutches.

You all just refer to a man/woman relationship. I am a man and I fell in love with a married man. From the first time I sat next to him on the bus we just "clicked." I became good friends with his whole family, the garnd parents, wife, kids and dogs. Emotionally he was involved with his family and made love to his wife. Physically I gave him massage, to touch him and satisfy his rougher masculine side and mine. He was a very handsome man, physically and mentally highly conditioned and so was I. Every week-end we trained together with weights, did the trim-park course a few times and swam a few lengths in the olympic size pool. It was a bond we just had to have. This relationship was a physical necessity and we continued for many years. It was a responsible, clean and healthy outlet from which we all benefitted. I was like a second father to his kids and there was never any relationship problems with his wife. Thus, all married-men-realtionships are not bad.

I agree, I never set out to have a married man. I met the man I am meant to be with while both of us were married to other people. Mine was an abusive marriage I couldn't get out of, his one that was empty. We met each other and BOOM! it was as if our souls found their mate, that was 9 months ago. My divorce is final, his almost. As odd as it seems, I trust him completely. We are meant to be together. I am sorry your relationship ended badly, but that does not mean all do.

I am glad to hear that it is turning out to be a positive experience for you. You certainly are aware that your unique experience unfortunately does not exemplify the vast majority of extra-marital relationships. I will not renege on stating that extra-marital affairs are best to avoid, however, given the fact that they are predominantly destructive.

It took guts to do what you did, you handled it with real strength and courage and you are commendable! I wish everyone was as wise as you have been.

Thanks. Those were my recent experiences (from last year to now). I couldn't believe those guys who say they're so commited and honest to their partners would lie and cheat. It was horrible to know they exist, and I am still wrong for having feelings for one of them. It's hard to let go, the married guy doesn't know I found out. He broke it off (disappearing act). I miss him, but there isn't anything I'd do to have that cheater back.

I've been there, done that too...innocently enough. The first guy told me he just got out of a relationship, which he didn't. And the other guy told me he was seeing someone but not yet his girlfriend, so I dated him and fell in love with him while he dragged me along. Just found out he's been married and has a baby. I'm totally screwed I don't think I could ever trust a guy again, and I'm still quite young...

I'm sorry that you've had that terrible experience, my heart goes out to you! Unfortunately, the world is rife with self-serving narcissists. Though I recommend that you approach new romantic situations with caution going forward, please don't close yourself off to love completely. I wouldn't actively look for another relationship either; just live your life and perhaps the next time, he WON'T be another wolf in sheep's clothing; if you take it slowly and make yourself not ignore red flags, I think you'll be alright. Hang in there!

It takes two to tangle so for you to set him up against his wife was very unfair. I will side with tyler3222 Its true you acted as though you were the victim which is not true because you knew that he was married in the first place. You gave him a choice to tell his wife, you could have ended there... it was between him and his wife. Sorry but you error-ed and honestly you do not qualify to give advice.

@ Keysha1974
Perhaps you could try something new, like getting your facts straight.
1) I saw him for several weeks before discovering that he was married.

2) I implored him for months to come clean with his wife (who, knowing the truth, started psychiatric treatment including medication as the direct result of his lies). Ultimately, I extended him a three-day deadline (on top of the months he'd already had to confess), in consideration of her psychiatric health. She thanked me profusely for having the spine to be honest with her (as her ex does not have the spine to make his own admission).

3) "error-ed"...the word you're obviously groping for here is "erred". Hell yes, I erred, and hope the sharing of my own experience will caution others away from becoming involved in any kind of extra-marital affairs of their own.

Sorry pal, but I still insist you were not the victim here, you are trying to ease your "sins" by portraying that you are remorseful and all. I take it you are the kind who do not want to be told the truth, but hey the truth is you blundered my friend and there are no two ways about it. Maybe we should hear this tale from your ex 's stand, am sure there is more to this that it is said. What can I say? You still don't qualify! SORRY! and eh... robotosan is right... you are lucky, count your lucky stars!!!!

"Eventually he started sharing little facts about his wife with me, like cute things she'd do, " Perhaps you should re-visit your post!

Yes, many WEEKS after I busted him as being married, I chose to stupidly stay. It doesn't change the fact HE HID THE FACT from me for as long as he could. Once I knew, though, perhaps whatever sliver of conscience he had eventually wouldn't allow him to remain silent about her forever.

"I chose to stupidly stay"... so let others make their own decisions to cleverly (not stupidly) manage their own affairs than you portraying to be holier than thy!!!! You were the other woman by choice... PERIOD! "his wife (who, knowing the truth, started psychiatric treatment including medication as the direct result of his lies)"... shame on you! You think the wife started psychiatric treatment because of "his lies?" Its because you couldn't keep your sins to yourself and went ahead and told her, it was not your place, give yourself a pat on the back, you just destroyed another's woman' s life! Hope you sleep well at night!

My friend, where were you when this story was being discussed in 2011? The story has been edited, some parts have been deleted.. sorry you came in late, so don't ask people whether they can read or not!!!

So... where are your copied versions of the alleged original? All "editing" that has been done has been to correct typos and to ADD information. Nothing has been taken away. As you allege to possess enculpatory evidence, produce it and let's get to the review.
Stupid is as stupid does, Forrest.

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Big hug for u, I understand how u feel, I was once... I'm single and not married, I didn't now he was married with two kids until the 4th month of our relationship. and her wife knew about me before he told me he was married. what a jerk. he lie to so many things. it's not too late for me to getaway from this trouble. but it took time for me to let it go.. just don't feel the burden so heavy.. let it go to enlighten the burden on ur shoulder.

Food for though, triad. <br />
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And robotosan? The subject matter you have chosen to proliferate your profile with says VOLUMES about your character; I'm therefore VERY glad to not have made a good impression on the likes of you.

He committed adultery. If not you, he would have done that with another woman.<br />
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No.....I was completely true to my wife for 22 years and although having numerous possibilities, never even considered them seriously. At times I would speculate, if I shouldn´t have been "more of a dog," but it just wasn´t in me. Now I have had a lover for nearly three years. I have a friend who has been with a "mistress" for 20 years. She recently died and he is heart-broken. Mitterand had his mistress of over 20 years and his wife, invited the mistress to the state funeral. (imagine that happening in the US) What am I saying? I am saying that it is another person the married man or woman falls in love with. It shocked me to realise that I had not fallen out of love with my wife. I must admit that my wife is my very best friend in the world and for the past year, we have not had sex. Roles have changed. when I am with my "mistress," we make love 2-3 times a day! OK...we sometimes skip a day altogether, but that hasn´t happened very often. I have never had that in my life! But we are also friends. We can be together weeks at a time and we never suffer a lack of subjects to talk about. We play frisbee, badminton and Ting Tong ( a paddle game) go for long walks, ski and just sit and watch films together. Why can´t I just leave my wife? Would it be better for her? My "mistress" would like that, in that we could be married. Then I would be "free," right? I just don´t see it that way. Watch the film Carrington or read the story of her life long relationship of love. Yet they never married (well, he was homosexual!) But as she said "you always have to put up with SOMETHING!" I don´t know......don´t know why I am in this situation, don´t know the way out and I fear three will suffer, when by thinking outside the box (like Mitterand or Carrington) we might still find a solution where no one really suffers but all three thrive. You "came to your senses" in a traditional manner....but there were other choices. There are over 100,000 marriages in the US alone, where there are more than the traditional couples. You made your choice long ago, and I don´t want to second guess you....but that actually should not necessarily serve as the warning you want to send out. It could have worked in a totally different way! I agree with all those who say that you have to finally close on this event! I feel sorry for you, that you want to cut off relationships. Not the answer. The lesson is not-Don´t trust anyone. The lesson should be-expect the unexpected. Forgive yourself, your "error" was not the affair, it was your attempt to be cruel. Be well!

"She tried to do what was the loving action at the time. "<br />
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You are ******** me. She was a vicious ***** who played god with other peoples lives.<br />
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She is lucky. Many women just disappear for doing something like this. It's in the paper everyday. <br />
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So where did you hide the bodies of YOUR victims?

aminleb im sorry his wife was ill at the tim because she probably could sense something was wrong and he didnt love her enough and was too cowardly to own up really if something isnt wrong there should be no reason not to expose it...imagine she didnt know and lived her life out living a lie and feeling unloved no offense but by your profile pic you can kinda see where your mind is focused including your conscience guilt which is what this woman feels is a sign of a good person...she went out with him initially becaus he lied and said he was single she got emotionally involved before she found out....thats a little more complex emotionally than her being a vulture i think

to aminleb and the rest who still aren't paying attention to details the wife already knew and the marriage was rocky to begin with. No one is looking for your sympathy by acknowledging bad choices that were made. Some of you vultures are victims of "I'm god and you will be punished for being human and flawed". Nobody obliged you to be god. So if you live in a glass house be aware of stones in the landscape....

Am sorry i don't agree with the innocent repenting air you're playing, you have given the guy 3 days to confess to his wife your affair, not for the sake of his marriage, but to blackmail him into leaving his wife and moving in with you, it was a self serving manipulation you did for you own selfishness, and when it did not materialize, you destroyed his home.<br />
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Nobody obliged you to have a relationship with him, you went into it because you wanted to. Now if you wanna play victim, that's your choice but if you wanna show regret, you should tell the story from a different angle, from a vulture point not a victim

Damn! You're all ho's!

Marriage has always being a mistake made, (that is what most crabby and unhonest married men says). A lifelong marriage is to lived and bear with that mistake made,(that's what a responsible and noble husband says ). God bless you.

I have a Similar situation and I'm wanting to confront this man. My mother is seeing a married man ! It blew me away I had to put on the pieces together and my conclusion was correct. Granted , she is a grown woman and she is divorced and has changed for the better.<br />
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However, My mother went through the same things in her marriage, except her husband was mentally , sexually abusive and a cheater! My mom never cheated on him that man took her to her knees with no mercy.<br />
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My mom has given advice to other women stay on your toes in marriage. It doesn''t matter how long you been with them you never know their true intension.<br />
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Now watching her is something else .She has known this man for five years and now his wife wants a divorce due to her cheating as well. The problem is she had to file not him. RED FLag ! He was never going to leave this woman. What the F----k is my mother thinking?!<br />
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Lets face it people Bills, Screaming kids, working late at night isn't very romantic is it! But people thinks it fun to play house with another person and it's hell of fantasy to live until you get caught and destroy everything in your path.

Ok look wives that are angry she was with a married man relax on the paranoia and the witchhunt it wasnt your husbands and most men are faithful as much as women and sometimes its just taken a chance on the wrong one. Marriage maybe a 'fantasy' not one id ever want but its someone elses dream and its no other womans business to thread on that dream of another in all fairness someone that gets involved with a man or woman with a ring on their finger is really just the 1 in 100 men or women foolish enough to go there and its true its low selfesteem and there happy to be literally 'a bit on the side' not te main for married women letting themselves go perhaps spending time with someone that has so little respect for their wives they have the bit on the side probably find themselves nagging and feeling a little lost and down because they are with half the man they started with trying to salvage a relationship hindered by the bit on the side bolstering this weed of a mans ego..basically the whole thing is girl against girl action...girls cheatin with married men seriously get help its not your fault he'd do it with anyone your not special your just down and like the feel of gettin one over on a prob once independent gamorous put down woman that followed her dreams with a man only half into it and now there shattered dont gloat get therapy move on.Married women with wasters that lie them into dreams /fantasy that never transpires relax theres nice guys out there assert yourselves and think you usually get the house the kids the sympathy the bit on the side usually gets a heap of guilt dillussion criticism and maybe some slinky undies and a set of new that the life either?? Is it her fault or say his definatly.Move on people lifes short guilt and resentment stops now

Even murderers get a lighter sentence if they are remorseful enough.And you certainly have remorse. You continue to punish yourself by deciding to never love again. You screwed up and that's over. You will most likely never do that again knowingly. You have a right to love and be loved now. You might be getting a lot of responses from bitter wives who's husbands cheated on them. It amazes me how viciously they blame the "other woman" instead of him. Don't listen to bitter people.

Loosewife is bitter about something. Don't listen to bitter people. You made a mistake and are extremely remorseful. Geez, murderers get a lighter sentence if they are remorseful enough. Bottom line. You are punishing yourself way to harshly. It is done and you will never be the "other" woman again. You are way to young and smart and responsible to not love again. It's a big world. He's out there. Be happy. Fall in love and let this all go already.

You judgemental idiots on here are funny as hell, no one puts a gun to these married men head and the fact of the matter is, if you "wives took care of business at home your husbands would not be whoring around in the streets" a lot of you want to play the victim, but it take two to wreck a marriage I have seen many wives even been on myself, who thought because you got a ring on the finger its carved in stone so suddenly your tired of the man, but feel like again you got a ring trapped him down with a couple of brats he's not going anywhere, you stop taking care of your apperance, house a mess, don't cook anymore, gossip on the phone all day, nag, oh and lets no forget the most destructive behavior, miserable, uncontented, unfullfilled and unhappy long before you marry, seeking validation from a piece of paper, suddenly the man is supposed to save you from your wretched selves. marriage is a fantasy and the man is but a crash test dummy in your dreamworld, you neither have the tolarance, maturity, or sense to accept you married a dud out of desperation. how many of you are truly compatible with your spouses? how many were matched by their ancestors? how many are truly tolerant and accepting of human fraility? how many are still living under the illusion and indoctrination of "westernaized view of love and marriage" shut up your harping fishwives I guarentee most of you if not all your husbands are cheating right now, you all sound like bunch of shrews!! the other woman does not have to respect your vows, she didn't swear before god and man that she would forsake others, he did that so your beef is with that whoring, nasty dirty d*ck man you married out of desperation and fantasy. stop trying to come for the other woman as long as she's single she can screw whoever she wants, now if she chooses to hook up with some lying low life married *****, that's her self esteem and lack of self love leading her to make those poor choices. again your beef is with your sorry *** husbands!!!

honestly what you did was wrong but everyones human ignore the negative remarks below some people are so young and naive but really this happened 20 years ago almost and thats too long now to be about that thing extramarital affairs happen,wives find out,people do things for the wrong reasons but you not feelin like you cant cope cant to a doctor and ask for 5mg of lexapro minimum and get some counselled your entitled to live you were put here to live life to the full and thats a blessing dont waste anymore energy over this itsnot about 1990 its just lingering mild depression its gone on too long hun