It's Nothing To Brag About.

Many years ago, in the early 1990's when I was newly divorced and had two tiny babies (now 19 and almost 18), I became very, very involved with a married man. He used to come see me at work on the regular and ended up moving me in to an apartment five minutes away from his office.
This relationship was the icing on the cake of a lengthy string of extremely BAD choices I was making at the time.
We saw each other for 18 months solid. What an emotional roller-coaster. I was on top of the world when I was with him, or if I knew he was on his way or I'd be seeing him soon and in the pits of despair when he left or 'couldn't' get away to be with me. What a complete fool I was.

Eventually he started sharing little facts about his wife with me, like cute things she'd do, anecdotes that made me realize that this poor lady was the real victim in the whole situation. Finally near the end of the 18 months, I gave him three more days to confess to her what he and I both knew she knew anyway, and he couldn't do it. So at the end of the three days, I invited her to the aparment so close to his office and allowed her to bring her attorney as well.
I didn't offer any information given the extremely delicate nature of the situation and my desire to not inflict any further damage than I already had. I just answered her questions.

I still have an extremely hard time trying to have any kind of relationship with a man to this day. I have been single since the spring of 2008 and don't have the desire to even bother trying anymore. Been there, done that.

To anyone else who is "the other": GET OUT of it as SOON as you can!!! You may be able to salvage the ability to have a NORMAL relationship one day.
To anyone who is considering BEING "the other": DON'T DO IT.
To anyone considering having an "other": You got married WHY again? Your vows consisted of what, and mean what to you?

Even though that chapter of my life was nearly twenty years ago, I continue to suffer horrible consequences to my foolish actions. Be ye therefore warned.

By the way, everyone involved (both directly and indirectly) end up being victimized in this situation; first and foremost, the married person's spouse, the only completely innocent victim (unless there are children). The disastrously twisted, disfiguring affects on "the other (woman or man)" I would not wish on the foulest of enemies, and I would imagine the married person involved in the affair doesn't get away emotionally scot-free, either.
afreimann afreimann
41-45, F
69 Responses May 3, 2011

You've learned from your error. Forgive yourself because you are worthy of being loved. Best of luck to you your kids have a great mother.

Forgive yourself .

Thank you for acknowledging that the spouse of the married man or woman is the real victim. I am the spouse of a man who had an affair. I will never be the same. I am destroyed. I appreciate your honesty. And you should feel proud that you are truly remorseful for the part you played.

Let's resurrect a dead horse. The telling line here is "I didn't learn of my ex's marriage until weeks into the relationship and, at that age and lack of any maturity at the time, I stayed in it WAAAAY too long before ending it"
It's always someone elses fault and yes, she played god. How pathetic.

Cheat much, robotsan?

Occasionally had. Now I more often I find women who understand open relationships. You, on the other hand, will punish anyone who makes YOU feel bad regardless of the consequences to innocent people. You played prosecuting attorney, judge, jury, and executioner for a crime you committed with your accused accomplice. Nice work being god, isn't it?

No, I was an absolute ******* when I was younger, I won't deny it. However, his wife assured me that - to her mind, anyway - I did the right thing in answering her questions and letting her know the truth. Nothing to be proud of at all, I just did the best I could to deal the absolute mess I'd help make of her life. I do wish he'd have confessed the truth to her, perhaps they could have reconciled; she already knew, after all; as she told me, she just wanted *him* to tell her the truth but got to a point where she was willing to hear the truth even if her own husband refused to share it with her. It's been oh at least twenty years now, and I have not been in any similar situation since and am at peace living single. Sometimes trying to do the right thing doesn't always net perfect results. That entire situation was such a phenomenal cluster****. I really could not wish a similar experience on anyone, ever.

No, you're mistaken; had it been an open situation, with honesty and integrity involved, it never would have been left to the ONLY person with the truth who was willing to disclose it to bring that gal the freedom she both needed and deserved. I am all for polyamorous relationships but the thing is, people into poly are *open* and *honest* about it and had he been? Wow, that could have been an entirely different situation. I did everything I could to get him to tell her, and he refused. I couldn't leave the poor lady hanging, thinking she was losing her mind, like that. I think that would have been crueler than honestly answering her questions. She agreed, or probably wouldn't have thanked me for my honesty as she did. And, no, it sucked. That is why I hope that perhaps someone in a similar situation will read this and change their mind about getting into that type of destructive, secretive thing.

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Thank you for sharing this. I honor and admire the integrity you display.

I was the wife whose husband had an affair. In these situations I still hold the cheating spouse most responsible. That person is the one who made an 'agreement.' In my situation my husband held a double is usually the case.

Though this knowledge is shattering in so many ways, the truth is always the way. You did the right thing in telling his wife. She had/has the right to make the choices as to how she wants to proceed with her life with full knowledge of the TRUTH of her husband and marriage.

If I read your statement were not aware this man was married when you embarked on your rommance with him? If so, he deceived 2 women. When you learned the truth, you finally did the 'right' thing.

Before I married I moved to a small town of around 15,000 pop for my job. A charming, handsome man came into my office on business.........then continued to come back just to see me. He asked me to dinner. I accepted. We went out more and more frequently. He was always happy to be seen in public and introduce me to everyone. Soon we were going out to dinner and dancing and county fairs and everywhere almost nightly.
I was shocked and devistated when I discovered he was married. It was hard, but I confronted him and ended our relationship. - It was really, really hard for me because he was absolutely the best I've ever had in bed (then and now) and I thought he was the love of my life. But, I knew if he had made a commitment to another woman and held her is such low value..........he would eventually do the same to me. Different from you, I did not feel guilty. I was openly and conspiratorialy decevied.

You have suffered enough!
You have PAID for being with a married man!
You are absolved!
Move on, live on, love on!

Thank you so much, NewAdventurer; this was a number of years ago; I truly don't have any residual guilt from the debacle; and to let you know, yes, I didn't learn of my ex's marriage until weeks into the relationship and, at that age and lack of any maturity at the time, I stayed in it WAAAAY too long before ending it; I did the best I could at the time though and sleep soundly as far as this is concerned. His ex wife was afforded the Truth, eventually closure with the ensuing divorce, and moved on to remarry I believe. Good for her!

why would you post this comment it is sad to hear but nothing can come from this relationship

I agree, fresh; that's why I shared it here; perhaps someone in a similar situation will see themselves in this and have the good fortune to realize that they need to change the situation. I certainly hope so. If what I've shared here only benefits one other person, it's worth it all.

Wow I am stunned at your honesty and humility. I am the spouse and yes it hurts more deeply than I care to admit, but you I would have forgiven.

Damn, I love the self-righteous people on here telling you that you got what you deserved. Everyone makes mistakes and they live with the consequences. You are living with yours. Nobody on here can say they have escaped making mistakes in their own lives. If there is one thing I cannot stand it's a self-righteous person with all the answers! Yes, you made a mistake but you learned something and so did the other two people involved. I realized yesterday I find one of my married friends pretty attractive but I'm going to stay as far away from that as I can! That's not territory I want to step into! At the very least, you have learned something and you haven't made the same mistake twice. Forget the self-righteous fools with all the answers.

Everyone accepts that people make mistakes, but it was the nasty revenge and spiteful attitude of telling his wife that most people object to.

I think nobody knows their true reaction to something until they are in the situation. Every single action of hers was *wrong* for the whole situation. What I object to are people who take opportunities like this to talk someone down in an effort to boost themselves up knowing full well they have done something awful themselves at some time. I'm sure there are no saints here on ep.

The more you expose your stupidity with these inane, deluded comments, 'Loosewife', the more grateful I am that I was not cursed with being you, or even like you. You are a fool, and an idiot.

Hear, Hear, writingablog! A sentient, reasonable, thinking, logical being... what a breath of fresh air you are!


To Loosewife,

I do not think her actions were either mean or vengeful. She was honest and gave an innocent the TRUTH about her spouse.

It is far BEST to make decisions about future, life and marriage based on truth instead of LIES and fairytales.

But, I do understand that those who are deceiving don't want the ugly truth to surface.

TRUTH: a party pooper

Hear, hear, NewAdventurer, and thank you for promoting the TRUTH. DAMN sometimes Truth is so bloody costly and it's nearly always divisive and controversial.

unfortunately almost laughable...........sadly so.
I think it is because the TRUTH is a threat to those who practice deception as a way of life. I actually know people that would perfer to lie than tell the truth.........even though the truth would serve better.
For many it is an addiction..........

So............we'll keep smiling
being truthful.........
lol.........really messes up loosewives and husbands!!!

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What the haters fail to realize is that the married man is not an innocent in all this. He was looking to cheat, and so he did. If not with you, with someone else. Funny how we always blame the other woman for seducing him and not the MM for seducing her. What I have found from my own experience is that oncce a man starts cheating, he will do it again. Its a hard pill to swallow, but its true. Even if the mistress ends up with him, sooner or later he will feel the urge to cheat again. <br />
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I dont blame you for telling the wife. She deserved the truth about her husband. I always wanted to know the truth about mine. My ex lacked the courage to tell me the last time, and simply dialed the number of his girlfriend, and let her explain it to me. While I was furious at her, I was even more upset with him. He went out of his way to connect with this woman, drove out of town to see her, bought her things with my money ( he didnt work) ran up the phone bill, and lied continuously about what was going on. There was so much betrayal I can't even list it all here. It didn't begin and end with having sex with another woman. It affected every part of his life, my life, our life together. <br />
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Because we were prominent members of our church, I tried to work it out and stayed married, so as not to cause a scandal. Nothing worked. He would act like he was sorry and things would go back to 'normal' for awhile, but every couple of years he would find another girlfriend. I found some of the emails back and forth, and he lied to them as much as he lied to me. And the women - they were more naieve than I was. They believed him without question. He manipulated all of us. And they absolutely would not let him go. Such a prize he was! I'm sure the one that ended up with him is regretting her decision, its been past the two year mark and I know he can't keep his pants on that long...

Wow. What a total bastard! I'm so sorry that you've been put through all of that and I'm glad that you are no longer in his clutches.

You all just refer to a man/woman relationship. I am a man and I fell in love with a married man. From the first time I sat next to him on the bus we just "clicked." I became good friends with his whole family, the garnd parents, wife, kids and dogs. Emotionally he was involved with his family and made love to his wife. Physically I gave him massage, to touch him and satisfy his rougher masculine side and mine. He was a very handsome man, physically and mentally highly conditioned and so was I. Every week-end we trained together with weights, did the trim-park course a few times and swam a few lengths in the olympic size pool. It was a bond we just had to have. This relationship was a physical necessity and we continued for many years. It was a responsible, clean and healthy outlet from which we all benefitted. I was like a second father to his kids and there was never any relationship problems with his wife. Thus, all married-men-realtionships are not bad.

I agree, I never set out to have a married man. I met the man I am meant to be with while both of us were married to other people. Mine was an abusive marriage I couldn't get out of, his one that was empty. We met each other and BOOM! it was as if our souls found their mate, that was 9 months ago. My divorce is final, his almost. As odd as it seems, I trust him completely. We are meant to be together. I am sorry your relationship ended badly, but that does not mean all do.

I am glad to hear that it is turning out to be a positive experience for you. You certainly are aware that your unique experience unfortunately does not exemplify the vast majority of extra-marital relationships. I will not renege on stating that extra-marital affairs are best to avoid, however, given the fact that they are predominantly destructive.

It took guts to do what you did, you handled it with real strength and courage and you are commendable! I wish everyone was as wise as you have been.

Thanks. Those were my recent experiences (from last year to now). I couldn't believe those guys who say they're so commited and honest to their partners would lie and cheat. It was horrible to know they exist, and I am still wrong for having feelings for one of them. It's hard to let go, the married guy doesn't know I found out. He broke it off (disappearing act). I miss him, but there isn't anything I'd do to have that cheater back.

I've been there, done that too...innocently enough. The first guy told me he just got out of a relationship, which he didn't. And the other guy told me he was seeing someone but not yet his girlfriend, so I dated him and fell in love with him while he dragged me along. Just found out he's been married and has a baby. I'm totally screwed I don't think I could ever trust a guy again, and I'm still quite young...

I'm sorry that you've had that terrible experience, my heart goes out to you! Unfortunately, the world is rife with self-serving narcissists. Though I recommend that you approach new romantic situations with caution going forward, please don't close yourself off to love completely. I wouldn't actively look for another relationship either; just live your life and perhaps the next time, he WON'T be another wolf in sheep's clothing; if you take it slowly and make yourself not ignore red flags, I think you'll be alright. Hang in there!

It takes two to tangle so for you to set him up against his wife was very unfair. I will side with tyler3222 Its true you acted as though you were the victim which is not true because you knew that he was married in the first place. You gave him a choice to tell his wife, you could have ended there... it was between him and his wife. Sorry but you error-ed and honestly you do not qualify to give advice.

@ Keysha1974
Perhaps you could try something new, like getting your facts straight.
1) I saw him for several weeks before discovering that he was married.

2) I implored him for months to come clean with his wife (who, knowing the truth, started psychiatric treatment including medication as the direct result of his lies). Ultimately, I extended him a three-day deadline (on top of the months he'd already had to confess), in consideration of her psychiatric health. She thanked me profusely for having the spine to be honest with her (as her ex does not have the spine to make his own admission).

3) "error-ed"...the word you're obviously groping for here is "erred". Hell yes, I erred, and hope the sharing of my own experience will caution others away from becoming involved in any kind of extra-marital affairs of their own.

Sorry pal, but I still insist you were not the victim here, you are trying to ease your "sins" by portraying that you are remorseful and all. I take it you are the kind who do not want to be told the truth, but hey the truth is you blundered my friend and there are no two ways about it. Maybe we should hear this tale from your ex 's stand, am sure there is more to this that it is said. What can I say? You still don't qualify! SORRY! and eh... robotosan is right... you are lucky, count your lucky stars!!!!

"Eventually he started sharing little facts about his wife with me, like cute things she'd do, " Perhaps you should re-visit your post!

Yes, many WEEKS after I busted him as being married, I chose to stupidly stay. It doesn't change the fact HE HID THE FACT from me for as long as he could. Once I knew, though, perhaps whatever sliver of conscience he had eventually wouldn't allow him to remain silent about her forever.

"I chose to stupidly stay"... so let others make their own decisions to cleverly (not stupidly) manage their own affairs than you portraying to be holier than thy!!!! You were the other woman by choice... PERIOD! "his wife (who, knowing the truth, started psychiatric treatment including medication as the direct result of his lies)"... shame on you! You think the wife started psychiatric treatment because of "his lies?" Its because you couldn't keep your sins to yourself and went ahead and told her, it was not your place, give yourself a pat on the back, you just destroyed another's woman' s life! Hope you sleep well at night!

My friend, where were you when this story was being discussed in 2011? The story has been edited, some parts have been deleted.. sorry you came in late, so don't ask people whether they can read or not!!!

So... where are your copied versions of the alleged original? All "editing" that has been done has been to correct typos and to ADD information. Nothing has been taken away. As you allege to possess enculpatory evidence, produce it and let's get to the review.
Stupid is as stupid does, Forrest.

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Big hug for u, I understand how u feel, I was once... I'm single and not married, I didn't now he was married with two kids until the 4th month of our relationship. and her wife knew about me before he told me he was married. what a jerk. he lie to so many things. it's not too late for me to getaway from this trouble. but it took time for me to let it go.. just don't feel the burden so heavy.. let it go to enlighten the burden on ur shoulder.

Food for though, triad. <br />
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And robotosan? The subject matter you have chosen to proliferate your profile with says VOLUMES about your character; I'm therefore VERY glad to not have made a good impression on the likes of you.

He committed adultery. If not you, he would have done that with another woman.<br />
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No.....I was completely true to my wife for 22 years and although having numerous possibilities, never even considered them seriously. At times I would speculate, if I shouldn´t have been "more of a dog," but it just wasn´t in me. Now I have had a lover for nearly three years. I have a friend who has been with a "mistress" for 20 years. She recently died and he is heart-broken. Mitterand had his mistress of over 20 years and his wife, invited the mistress to the state funeral. (imagine that happening in the US) What am I saying? I am saying that it is another person the married man or woman falls in love with. It shocked me to realise that I had not fallen out of love with my wife. I must admit that my wife is my very best friend in the world and for the past year, we have not had sex. Roles have changed. when I am with my "mistress," we make love 2-3 times a day! OK...we sometimes skip a day altogether, but that hasn´t happened very often. I have never had that in my life! But we are also friends. We can be together weeks at a time and we never suffer a lack of subjects to talk about. We play frisbee, badminton and Ting Tong ( a paddle game) go for long walks, ski and just sit and watch films together. Why can´t I just leave my wife? Would it be better for her? My "mistress" would like that, in that we could be married. Then I would be "free," right? I just don´t see it that way. Watch the film Carrington or read the story of her life long relationship of love. Yet they never married (well, he was homosexual!) But as she said "you always have to put up with SOMETHING!" I don´t know......don´t know why I am in this situation, don´t know the way out and I fear three will suffer, when by thinking outside the box (like Mitterand or Carrington) we might still find a solution where no one really suffers but all three thrive. You "came to your senses" in a traditional manner....but there were other choices. There are over 100,000 marriages in the US alone, where there are more than the traditional couples. You made your choice long ago, and I don´t want to second guess you....but that actually should not necessarily serve as the warning you want to send out. It could have worked in a totally different way! I agree with all those who say that you have to finally close on this event! I feel sorry for you, that you want to cut off relationships. Not the answer. The lesson is not-Don´t trust anyone. The lesson should be-expect the unexpected. Forgive yourself, your "error" was not the affair, it was your attempt to be cruel. Be well!

"She tried to do what was the loving action at the time. "<br />
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You are ******** me. She was a vicious ***** who played god with other peoples lives.<br />
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She is lucky. Many women just disappear for doing something like this. It's in the paper everyday. <br />
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So where did you hide the bodies of YOUR victims?

aminleb im sorry his wife was ill at the tim because she probably could sense something was wrong and he didnt love her enough and was too cowardly to own up really if something isnt wrong there should be no reason not to expose it...imagine she didnt know and lived her life out living a lie and feeling unloved no offense but by your profile pic you can kinda see where your mind is focused including your conscience guilt which is what this woman feels is a sign of a good person...she went out with him initially becaus he lied and said he was single she got emotionally involved before she found out....thats a little more complex emotionally than her being a vulture i think

to aminleb and the rest who still aren't paying attention to details the wife already knew and the marriage was rocky to begin with. No one is looking for your sympathy by acknowledging bad choices that were made. Some of you vultures are victims of "I'm god and you will be punished for being human and flawed". Nobody obliged you to be god. So if you live in a glass house be aware of stones in the landscape....

Am sorry i don't agree with the innocent repenting air you're playing, you have given the guy 3 days to confess to his wife your affair, not for the sake of his marriage, but to blackmail him into leaving his wife and moving in with you, it was a self serving manipulation you did for you own selfishness, and when it did not materialize, you destroyed his home.<br />
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Nobody obliged you to have a relationship with him, you went into it because you wanted to. Now if you wanna play victim, that's your choice but if you wanna show regret, you should tell the story from a different angle, from a vulture point not a victim

Damn! You're all ho's!

Marriage has always being a mistake made, (that is what most crabby and unhonest married men says). A lifelong marriage is to lived and bear with that mistake made,(that's what a responsible and noble husband says ). God bless you.

I have a Similar situation and I'm wanting to confront this man. My mother is seeing a married man ! It blew me away I had to put on the pieces together and my conclusion was correct. Granted , she is a grown woman and she is divorced and has changed for the better.<br />
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However, My mother went through the same things in her marriage, except her husband was mentally , sexually abusive and a cheater! My mom never cheated on him that man took her to her knees with no mercy.<br />
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My mom has given advice to other women stay on your toes in marriage. It doesn''t matter how long you been with them you never know their true intension.<br />
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Now watching her is something else .She has known this man for five years and now his wife wants a divorce due to her cheating as well. The problem is she had to file not him. RED FLag ! He was never going to leave this woman. What the F----k is my mother thinking?!<br />
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Lets face it people Bills, Screaming kids, working late at night isn't very romantic is it! But people thinks it fun to play house with another person and it's hell of fantasy to live until you get caught and destroy everything in your path.

Ok look wives that are angry she was with a married man relax on the paranoia and the witchhunt it wasnt your husbands and most men are faithful as much as women and sometimes its just taken a chance on the wrong one. Marriage maybe a 'fantasy' not one id ever want but its someone elses dream and its no other womans business to thread on that dream of another in all fairness someone that gets involved with a man or woman with a ring on their finger is really just the 1 in 100 men or women foolish enough to go there and its true its low selfesteem and there happy to be literally 'a bit on the side' not te main for married women letting themselves go perhaps spending time with someone that has so little respect for their wives they have the bit on the side probably find themselves nagging and feeling a little lost and down because they are with half the man they started with trying to salvage a relationship hindered by the bit on the side bolstering this weed of a mans ego..basically the whole thing is girl against girl action...girls cheatin with married men seriously get help its not your fault he'd do it with anyone your not special your just down and like the feel of gettin one over on a prob once independent gamorous put down woman that followed her dreams with a man only half into it and now there shattered dont gloat get therapy move on.Married women with wasters that lie them into dreams /fantasy that never transpires relax theres nice guys out there assert yourselves and think you usually get the house the kids the sympathy the bit on the side usually gets a heap of guilt dillussion criticism and maybe some slinky undies and a set of new that the life either?? Is it her fault or say his definatly.Move on people lifes short guilt and resentment stops now

Even murderers get a lighter sentence if they are remorseful enough.And you certainly have remorse. You continue to punish yourself by deciding to never love again. You screwed up and that's over. You will most likely never do that again knowingly. You have a right to love and be loved now. You might be getting a lot of responses from bitter wives who's husbands cheated on them. It amazes me how viciously they blame the "other woman" instead of him. Don't listen to bitter people.

Loosewife is bitter about something. Don't listen to bitter people. You made a mistake and are extremely remorseful. Geez, murderers get a lighter sentence if they are remorseful enough. Bottom line. You are punishing yourself way to harshly. It is done and you will never be the "other" woman again. You are way to young and smart and responsible to not love again. It's a big world. He's out there. Be happy. Fall in love and let this all go already.

You judgemental idiots on here are funny as hell, no one puts a gun to these married men head and the fact of the matter is, if you "wives took care of business at home your husbands would not be whoring around in the streets" a lot of you want to play the victim, but it take two to wreck a marriage I have seen many wives even been on myself, who thought because you got a ring on the finger its carved in stone so suddenly your tired of the man, but feel like again you got a ring trapped him down with a couple of brats he's not going anywhere, you stop taking care of your apperance, house a mess, don't cook anymore, gossip on the phone all day, nag, oh and lets no forget the most destructive behavior, miserable, uncontented, unfullfilled and unhappy long before you marry, seeking validation from a piece of paper, suddenly the man is supposed to save you from your wretched selves. marriage is a fantasy and the man is but a crash test dummy in your dreamworld, you neither have the tolarance, maturity, or sense to accept you married a dud out of desperation. how many of you are truly compatible with your spouses? how many were matched by their ancestors? how many are truly tolerant and accepting of human fraility? how many are still living under the illusion and indoctrination of "westernaized view of love and marriage" shut up your harping fishwives I guarentee most of you if not all your husbands are cheating right now, you all sound like bunch of shrews!! the other woman does not have to respect your vows, she didn't swear before god and man that she would forsake others, he did that so your beef is with that whoring, nasty dirty d*ck man you married out of desperation and fantasy. stop trying to come for the other woman as long as she's single she can screw whoever she wants, now if she chooses to hook up with some lying low life married *****, that's her self esteem and lack of self love leading her to make those poor choices. again your beef is with your sorry *** husbands!!!

honestly what you did was wrong but everyones human ignore the negative remarks below some people are so young and naive but really this happened 20 years ago almost and thats too long now to be about that thing extramarital affairs happen,wives find out,people do things for the wrong reasons but you not feelin like you cant cope cant to a doctor and ask for 5mg of lexapro minimum and get some counselled your entitled to live you were put here to live life to the full and thats a blessing dont waste anymore energy over this itsnot about 1990 its just lingering mild depression its gone on too long hun

Not sure why you need to beat your self up continually, stop, life is too short.<br />
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For the record I'm not gay, but men can be really stupid mean and hurtful to women.<br />
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Hey jerks that keep ripping on her. The sin is his. She never cheated on the wife, She had no relationship with the Wife. The way one gets a wife is one vows before God that you will love honour and cherish, but notice there are no "be faithful" rules in any of the vows. <br />
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Lets also look at the You weren't getting support from the Man who's children you had, another great Man. Nice to have at least on who cared for you right!<br />
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Put Responsibility where it should be. Always great to blame the other woman but the fact is he was dissatisfied in the sexual bed at home and she filled that for him. If he was totally happy at home would he have cheated? If the wife Knew he wasn't happy why didn't she work to make him happy? Cause NOBODY can do it alone, That's why.<br />
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Here is Man - man is a sexual being, Women in marriages get bored, look at ceiling think Beige when having sex, Man needs sex, man looks at hot dog in bun and goes OH YAaaaH <br />
Seriously when the relationship goes years I don't think it's 'cheating' it's beyond that. He set her up and looked after her and her kids, they were another family he provided for. <br />
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I hope you find your peace and can go on with other get some need perspective.

All the naysayers *Claim* to be so concerned about the wife-- but the wife was going through psychiatric in drugs and possibly eventually even a hospital stay if this man kept up his LIES. You people seem to forget that. In case you didn't know psychiatric drugs can cause a SANE person to become INSANE. So yes...she HAD TO TELL HER the TRUTH!!! Because sadly her husband didn't love her enough as a human being to care about her that much. Afreimann realized the full consequences of her actions and did her best to remedy all of them. That doesn't make her vengeful and before you go calling her that, let's read ALL of her posts, please. Otherwise you don't have the full story and you just sound STUPID.

I truly don't understand some of these nasty comments, especially those that are implying the poster is a "spiteful" woman or failed to raise her children as good people. She made a mistake... but it is so much easier to look at things from the outside. Some situations creep up on you and before you realize it you've lost emotional control. I personally would tend to run the other way with a married person, but judging her so harshly is unfair... at least she pushed for honesty in the end and learned from this situation. Take a look at your own lives before writing certain responses..


I agree with the all those that say you did the right thing in the end and your guilt is punishment enough. God has forgiven you but I don't think you have forgiven yourself. God isn't going to beat you up like some of the people want to here. UGH!!! This man was the jerk in all of this and you did what you thought was right for you at the time. I don't think you are an evil person looking to hurt people. I love someone who is married too but I haven't done anything and I won't. There is no relationship. We talk every now and then. Love is powerful and when you need it, sometimes you will take what you can get. Sometimes I think that men weren't meant to have one woman....I was cheated on by my first husband and my second husband. lol....I know of a famous producer who has a wife and girlfriend and they all live happily together lol....Really, I don't think Polygamy is wrong...I just think the government won't condone it because this type of relationship would bankrupt this country haha....not to mention our policies were ba<x>sed on Judeo Christian values

I agree with the all those that say you did the right thing in the end and your guilt is punishment enough. God has forgiven you but I don't think you have forgiven yourself. God isn't going to beat you up like some of the people want to here. UGH!!! This man was the jerk in all of this and you did what you thought was right for you at the time. I don't think you are an evil person looking to hurt people. I love someone who is married too but I haven't done anything and I won't. There is no relationship. We talk every now and then. Love is powerful and when you need it, sometimes you will take what you can get. Sometimes I think that men weren't meant to have one woman....I was cheated on by my first husband and my second husband. lol....I know of a famous producer who has a wife and girlfriend and they all live happily together lol....Really, I don't think Polygamy is wrong...I just think the government won't condone it because this type of relationship would bankrupt this country haha....not to mention our policies were ba<x>sed on Judeo Christian values

The only thing she did wrong was play god. Accepting the man's money then deciding she had to inform his wife of his transgressions? The moment she learned he was a cheating bahstahd she should have walked. Walked away from the apartment, the sex, the companionship. Did she do this? Nope. She accepted it until such time that SHE decided it was time to make things 'right'.<br />
<br />
I feel for her because 20 years later she is still screwed in the head, but what she did was unconscionable. Her course of aciton should have been, give the guy some well thought out advice and WALK AWAY. Instead she decided to destroy lives.<br />
<br />
Was he wrong? Probably, we don't know the whole story. But for her to play god.... and she still lives with this anger, this fallout. Get help woman.<br />

Just a quick comment.I'm noticing that the majority of people who are supporting afreimann are women who are happy that you are confessing, and wish to cut you slack. What if this were a man who did this, and had an affair with a married woman and then contacted a lawyer and the husband in the marriage, and confirmed it with him that he was having an affair with his wife? I don't think you all would be quite as fair or as understanding.

OMG! Not one of us is perfect! Lighten up people! She made mistakes and she's sorry. Let her move on and let's all move on without all this stone throwing. Which by the way NONE OF US has the right to throw stones. <br />
Thanks for sharing your story! God bless you & I wish you all the best!

Every saints has a past and every sinner has a future.

I was debating whether I should stoop to the level of hater comments by responding to your hates. I decided I must question your English comprehension skills. First of all as the poster mentioned she never denied being the other woman or her guilt in the affair nor is she claiming her experience is set in stone as some of you state. Perhaps you read a hidden agenda in the author's warning to others who may follow her path. Maybe you recognize your own infallibility in the area of temptation. I find it hard to believe regardless of what you say that you never acted on your own impulses or you never took advantage of anyone's shelter from the storm. "oh I never did anything that bad..." etc. We all cry victim and we are all guilty of something and we all want to alleviate the pain of guilt by coming clean because we can't change the past. We CAN make a different choice in the present and find happiness despite the naysayers attempts at discouraging you afreimann. <br />
Secondly nowhere in her post did the author mention her children enacting vengeance upon their mother who was ALREADY as she put it<br />
"newly divorced" . The only mention of her kids was their age then and their current age. Unless you know something I don't, some commentators not only wear earmuffs but blindfolds as well to suit your agenda .It sounds as if you are so unhappy yourselves you need to needle someone else years after the fact and sacrificing dignity in the name of hypocrisy. After all it's ok for the cheating husband to rent an apt. for his "playgirl" only to cower in the shadows when that same "playgirl" gives him the "or else" when she recognized he was taking advantage of her needs and the jig was up. As the wife I would rather have the truth from him but if she has to dish it out then she has my respect. I pray his wife is happily single or someone else's. <br />
So all you haters what are you so guilty and unhappy about? I know you are other wise you would recognize the author's pain as your own and own up to it as she has. <br />
afreimann I hope telling your story releases the "demons" so that you may experience a rich and fulfilling life and it sounds like you are.

A womans's worth is not her money, but her actions. Is not her education,but what she does with her reputation. People will remember you for your actions, not for your mistakes. How you handle your mistakes will say a lot about your character.

I stand on what I say. I don't think you did anything wrong ---- in that you attempted to rectify the "situation" by addressing (his) wife. This exonerates you, IMO.<br />
<br />
Something that most people would never do. They would never have the COURAGE that you had.<br />
<br />
And who cares what anyone else on this forum says. You (they) want to get "Biblical"? Fine. Let's do it: "Let those who are without sin cast the first stone".<br />
<br />
And not ONE person on this forum dare cast the "first stone" --- because it will fly back into their narrow-minded face(s).<br />
<br />
You've come forward ---- you admitted ---- you regret ---- you attempted to rectify. No one can ask better of you.<br />
<br />
So, never mind the "hate-mail" from those, whom have also transgressed. They're just picking on you because you're convenient ---- and attempting to hide their own "skeletons in (their) closets, to make themselves comfortable with their "closeted" lives. Who cares about their B.S. And I'm not talking about a college degree.<br />
<br />
Forget these idiots and get on with your life.

ok, now i understand lol

Love. Something we all want. The truth is, we are all mixing love with ‘leaning on’ our love ob<x>ject. <br />
We want emotional/material support. We want our loved one to stand by us, give to us and be for us. <br />
Are we not able to stand on our own feet? We all are able, thou it is sometimes hard, so there we are finding love which will fulfill this needs. <br />
It’s easy and comfortable under the name of ‘love’ to ‘lean on someone’. <br />
Married man who is looking for “excitement, understanding, attention” is just normal product of marriage where excitement is replaced by duties/obligations/responsibilities -all this house loans, car loans, children schools fees, dealing with growing up children and they emotional/material needs. <br />
We may change partners but we will end up on the same road because in the furry of everyday living we are forgetting to love.<br />
I just want to say, as until we are comfortable in our own shoes and are able to live on our own dealing with our luggage we should not look for ‘love’ – because we simply are looking for the other half to fulfill our unfulfilled desires. <br />
In case of Afreimen - I don’t think as any of you were right or wrong. You were right for each other at the time. Wife – she was not perfect definitely as well –if she will be, her man will not look for someone else. Afreimen didn’t have what she want – men for herself only- so she ‘bravely’ ended up her relationship causing more fireworks. Unnecessary. By the way – if she loved the man why she want to punish him? Was it real love?

In response to:<br />
<br />
Posted by SacredChaos on May 13th, 2011 at 9:01AM <br />
<br />
<br />
Your conveniently tailor your story to make him seem worse than you (How so? I'm only telling the truth here). <br />
<br />
You end the story by making sure he is the one who pays a price for not leaving his wife for you (No, all of us paid a price, his poor wife who was the single most innocent person concerned unfairly paid the highest price). <br />
<br />
You seem focused on revenge, but you are equally responsible (Irrefutably, yes, I solely am responsible for MY choices, no one else is). <br />
You should have walked away and left him alone to deal with his life instead of vengefully going to his wife.(and leave her to go on without truth? That would have been the cruelest thing I possibly could have done at that point). <br />
<br />
You wanted payback. (So you, being human, deem yourself capable of judging me when "the heart is deceitful and wicked above all else, who can know it?" Here's some truth: you're wrong. No, I did NOT want payback.)<br />
Perhaps if that wasn't your main motive you will be able to move on and forgive yourself. (I do forgive myself, and continue to remain repentant by never having another extramarital affair since the end of that one. Never will). Stop judging him. That's God's job wen the time comes.(You're absolutely right and my only judgement is that he ultimately continued to choose poorly by not confessing to his wife since needed the truth, preferably from HIM, more than anything.)<br />
<br />
I feel so bad for the wife you took out your bad choices on. (Took my bad choices out on? She was profusely grateful, truly a 100% class-act all the way). <br />
Whether she knew or not, whether he ever told her or not, it was not your concern. (Not once I knew that her knowledge of the affair coupled with the lies was killing her. It would have been far more cruel to keep Truth from her at the point she reached with having been lied to for so long. Someone needed to tell her the truth; it's terribly sad that he didn't tell her. That would have been the best of all scenarios, but I couldn't make him do it). <br />
It was theirs alone. Doesn't that still just **** you off that you never had a real claim or any rights here in your scenario? (Not at all, only very ashamed for my selfish behaviour and very, very sad). <br />
Accept it. Your replies to others who you clearly invited to comment or you wouldn't be here reek of your anger (yes, I have no tolerance for stupidity nor do I appreciate feedback from the half-wits who are for whatever reason incapable or of perceiving my REGRET for ever getting involved in an affair to begin with). <br />
<br />
and still trying to justify what you did...he hurt me so I hurt him back (SHE DESERVED TRUTH, it's not my fault that I was the only one with enough spine to give it to her). <br />
<br />
Those people are right, my dear. Your experience was a bad one, but accept your role. (yes, hence the confession and cessation of that affair along with the resultant benefit of never making the same mistake again).

In response to:<br />
Posted by cowshed123 on May 12th, 2011 at 8:34PM<br />
<br />
<br />
... but i gather that you knew he was married before you started the affair:<br />
(Nope, we had been seeing each other for weeks before I got any inclination to even ask him if he was married). <br />
<br />
i do applaud you for doing the right thing in the end, and ending the relationship, even though i do agree with some other comments here!! it does sound as though you wanted to get back at him, and make him feel as bad as you felt about the whole affair!! <br />
(No, I didn't want revenge, I only wanted to do the right thing, which is why I IMPLORED him to tell her, I spent hours trying to convince him to come clean with her, that he might have been able to salvage the marriage by admitting what she told him she already knew. How I wish he had. But the poor lady was seeing a psychiatrist, for God's sake, and needed the truth from wherever she could get it. This is why I didn't volunteer any information and only answered her questions, I was not out for revenge. Revenge for what? He didn't force me to stupidly keep seeing him.)

Wow, for some reason I was shocked by the level of wrath in some of these comments. My comment was going to be more of an analysis of the scenario and a critique of your writing (I thought when I signed up with Experience Project it was for aspiring authors). I admire your courage for reading the comments. So, as a fellow "other woman" let me say, I usually find the men to blame in these situations. In my life (I'm 60) I've been attracted to married men who would never dream of cheating, but who let me know they were attracted to me and flattered. The ones who will cheat are more to blame than the other woman. They have a choice to make and they choose to risk their marriage. The other woman has a choice, but if she doesn't jump at the chance he'll find another victim eventually. I'm not saying it's a good thing to be the other woman, but having been there, I know painful and destructive the affair can be for everyone. But, well, **** happens. It can be extremely difficult to walk away from someone you believe (at the time) is the love of your life.

It is not right for us to pass judgment on someone unless we have been in the same shoes. 2 months ago, I ended a relationship with a married woman. We had known each other for 4 years. I was friends with her husband and her children. I got divorced from my wife of 22 years because of the relationship. What the poster said about the roller coaster ride is very true. The ups are very up, the downs are way down. It truly drove me crazy. It has been challenging to right my ship, but right it I have. And there is no more roller coaster ride. The challenge that you have is to find the strength and the courage to get out there. Take what you have learned, and build the best relationship that you can with someone. Life is meant to be lived. We have in us the ability to be happy. It is up to us. Thanks for sharing with us.

Your conveniently tailor your story to make him seem worse than you. You end the story by making sure he is the one who pays a price for not leaving his wife for you. You seem focused on revenge, but you are equally responsible. You should have walked away and left him alone to deal with his life instead of vengefully going to his wife. You wanted payback. Perhaps if that wasn't your main motive you will be able to move on and forgive yourself. Stop judging him. That's God's job wen the time comes. I feel so bad for the wife you took out your bad choices on. Whether she knew or not, whether he ever told her or not, it was not your concern. It was theirs alone. Doesn't that still just **** you off that you never had a real claim or any rights here in your scenario? Accept it. Your replies to others who you clearly invited to comment or you wouldn't be here reek of your anger and still trying to justify what you did...he hurt me so I hurt him back. Those people are right, my dear. Your experience was a bad one, but accept your role.

you know, one of the lessons to be learned here, is that if the man is married, he is married, end of story!! no matter how much you love him, it doesnt give you the right to just barge in there, wreck his marriage, and take him for yourself!! he might have told you that his wife knew about the affair, but at the end of the day, he was still "Married"!! i always have some sympathy with women that end up getting involved with men, without knowing they are married, but i gather that you knew he was married before you started the affair, so in this case, im, sorry, but i dont have any sympathy with you, cos no matter how many times this other guy told you how much he loved or hated his wife, or how happy or unhappy he was, you always have to remember that there is always 2 sides to every story!! although i do applaud you for doing the right thing in the end, and ending the relationship, even though i do agree with some other comments here!! it does sound as though you wanted to get back at him, and make him feel as bad as you felt about the whole affair!!

Very good story.. I was in a similar situation and decided that<br />
I'm worth more than being a side piece of ***... I'm more main dish material

Those who are without sin or fault, throw the first stone. Every person on this earth has some kind of fault. The brave are the ones who can stand up and say, "I messed up and I'm forever sorry." And why is it that the other woman is usually the only one to get blamed? I see it all the time, sure perhaps the couple get divorced, but it's the woman that is hated. Not one of the "haters" out there had a bad word to say about how this man sweet talked a young divorced mother and let her fall in love with him. This is how many of those cheaters operate, as they know women like this are easy to "catch". Men that try to cheat, want to cheat and will go to any lengths to do so. But I would also like to say this to those women who are dating a married man and are waiting to marry him when he's "free". If you married a man cheated on his wife with you, you married a man who cheats on his wife. <br />
You hang tough there afreimann, and let yourself live life. You've made a mistake, admitted it <br />
and paid for it, in full. I'd like to know how long those 'haters' who never did anything wrong in their life, want you to pay. Oh yeah, I forgot, someone said for the rest of your life. I have news for them, they're not your judge, God is. I'm sure you have prayed for forgiveness and perhaps you've been forgiven and you haven't hear it because you are so full of guilt. I bet he's still proud of himself and probably still a cheater. God Bless you.

to fionar78: you're right. I should have immediately run as far away as I could, but I stupidly and selfishly chose not too. And yeah, I deserved every painful consequence of my own selfishness. See, my hope is that other people facing a similar choice might see my experience and (I pray!) decide *against* becoming involved in an affair. That is my whole reason for laying it out for the world to see; my hope is that someone else will benefit from my experience and make better choices.<br />
That WAS over twenty years ago. All I could find is a group in the present tense (I -love- a married man, not "I LOVED (past tense!) a married man"). <br />
<br />
to calvin138: <br />
#1) he did NOT tell me he was married from the start. Where the hell are you getting these lies? We'd been seeing each other for WEEKS before my (then) naive-a$$ figured it out and confronted him and confirmed that yes, he was married. <br />
<br />
Oh yeah, and when you read the things that people post, READ THE ENTIRE THING. <br />
<br />
Obviously, you didn't see:<br />
"...that chapter of my life was nearly twenty years ago"<br />
<br />
I didn't "wake up and say "wow, he loves his wife"; he told me enough about her to open my eyes to the destruction that he and I both were causing her and once I accepted and faced what MY part in it was, I made the best decision I could. <br />
<br />
And with regard to "your are destroyer, you deserve the pain", do you seriously consider yourself perfect enough to sit in Judgement? Who the hell do you think you are? Try getting that huge plank of wood out of your own eye before worrying about the splinter in mine.<br />
<br />
<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
to Annabelle111, jim3130, BaruchEli, koosymen, LimeGreen96): It's folks like you, sentient, thinking beings who read stories in their entirety and respond with intelligence that keep me coming back to E.P. Thanks!

when you find out that he was a married man you were supposed to get out of the relationship you were busy enjoying with him while the wife was crying ,how do you sleep at night knowing that your in a relationship with a married man, you wanted him to leave his wife your are destroyer ,you deserve the pain.

i don't admire you at all. when you woke up and said "wow, he loves his wife" you couldn't stand it. so you went ahead and made sure she felt as awful as the person you are. put your head further in the sand you home wrecker because sites like this people will buy you bull----. some of us won't buy it. he told you he was married from the start! what did you want to get out of this relationship? oh, i know you got what you wanted, you broke up his home. ok, on to your next job. perhaps the next family will only take you 12 months because you sound pretty good at it. i am sorry, did you also bring a lawyer? awful, awful awful person.

I admire your courage to come out clean. I have been the other woman and I know what it is all. please disregard all the negative comments you got here they will NEVER understand what it meant to you. Forgive yourself and be open to love. I did it and am happy to have a man that truly loves me and we are thinking of even getting married. Love yourself don't sweat it and love will find you. All the best. ((Hugs & Kisses))

Well, the concensus of opinion appears to be split. IMO, I think you're being a little hard on yourself when you called yourself a "fool" for what you did. <br />
<br />
I know the saying is older than Moses: but, "Love is blind". Whether you did what did out of "love, loneliness, protecting your children ---- whatever" ---- you made the call. Right or wrong. And it is not we who can judge you because many of us have experienced just what you went through.<br />
<br />
You're beating up on yourself, years after you "went wrong" --- and you need to stop doing that.<br />
<br />
It's done. I'ts over. Now move on and find THAT loving relationship which you seek and deserve.<br />
<br />
Finally ---- no matter how our opinions may well differ --- I think that we're all impressed with the fact that you wanted to "come clean" with his wife. That speaks volumes for your character. In fact, I would say that "that" gesture far overshadows any "wrong" that you did.<br />
<br />
Again, an old saying: "Time heals all wounds". It's time to "come clean" with YOURSELF and remember, after all is said and done --- that you "did the right thing". Single and lonely? Well, join most of the rest of us.<br />
<br />
I wish you the best of luck in finding that right man. I'm confident you will. Regards, jim3130

Attention Haters (specifically: tyler3222, Loosewife -- the name says it ALL, destiney24): Understand that he'd been telling me for MONTHS that she knew, she was asking, and he continued to deny it. I gave him the *additional* seventy-two hours to confess after he told me that she thought she was going INSANE and had started both seeing a psychiatrist and taking medication, and her hair was falling out. I gave him three days to tell her what she already knew in (FINALLY at least) consideration of HER sanity.<br />
I don't deny deserving the consequences, though; God will not be mocked; what a (hu)man reaps, that will he also sow. And I forever continue to stand by my decision to ultimately choose the right thing in the absence of the person who should have done the confessing (the cheating husband). <br />
We don't get to go back and redo it, folks.<br />
PS: navarre: "the sanctity of an affair"..........are you serious?<br />
and to Lanya: Good luck with that.


The good you do follows you, but also the bad. However, forgive yourself, start standing for proper morals and principles and move on.

You remind me of someone I knew and you are really inconsiderate! Why did you go out with him? More so you cannot have it all! I have come to the conclusion that ladies like you are somewhat selfish! The lady in my case threatened to blackmail me and really HURT me after all I had done for her! BUT I am the foolish one trusting a person like you and I hope you never find a suitable person as you are not respect the sanctity of an affair!Vows are made and broken when the other partner fails in his/her own matrimonial obligations!!

You knew he was married, you went in with your eyes open! no wonder your husband divorced you, It must have been hell living with a nasty, spiteful women like you, everything you get in life you deserve.<br />
No doubt you have brought your children up to be vengeful like you.

I am sorry it all ended badly for you but your own experiences do not make it set in stone for everyone else.

no her experience doesn't but I'v had a really rough time dealing with being the other woman and i have joined many web sites that offer support much like this and the happy ever afters are few and far inbetween. Im pretty sure mine will be a happy ending but what I'v personally had to go through to get it was bad. I would never have continued to see him if I knew then what I know now.

@itsfuntoshare, true &amp; well spoken!

Hey you did the right thing. Ive been on the wrong side and made a fool. Please understand not all men are bad. Good luck

A woman Scorned, They are the biggest ******* of all as you proved! Your actions were not foolish, they were nasty, whether the guy was married or not, you were quite prepared to use your sexuality to put food on your table, to have a roof over your and your children's heads. As you said " I continue to suffer horrible consequences to my foolish actions." Sorry but you will always be where you are today, Nice people are not so scheming like you. You got what you deserved.

to both you and destiny24 the wife has the right to know so that she can make an informed decision about her future with a man who betrayed her.I am the other woman and although my situation is vastly different to this, his wife who pushed him away before i met him still wanted to know certain things when he told her he was seeing me.I havent allowed it because she's scary and would probably attack me but my point is she didnt want him and still wanted to know so that she could make the right decision for her.NB NB dont make assumptions she never said she did it for material gain SHE FELL INLOVE WITH THIS MAN.

You make it sound as if your a Victim in this story. It's a choice that YOU made to go down this road, when you did.

let me tel you now that no one ever imagines what it will be like once you fall inlove with the married man you are's two opposite ends of the stick.and yes the other woman as wel as the wife do become victums and if the MM loves you he suffers too.(I wont even talk about kids)you clearly have no idea what this kind of situation entails.

You did well

Excellent advice

Human beings are strange. He could have been a total jerk who took you for a ride, just used you. Or he was also lost, really did not know what to do. Either way, no good can come to you living in the past. There is only pain.<br />
<br />
You were strapped, needed that emotional support which perhaps you did not get from your family. No one there to give that shelter, that safety of being needed and wanted. It is hard when you thirst for that. Real hard. So do not be so unkind to yourself. Thirsty people do strange things. They are not bad just thirsty. Let go and move on.<br />
<br />
He committed adultery. If not you, he would have done that with another woman. In the end you did the right thing, did you not? That is the good in you.<br />
The good in you, do not waste it. Give it to someone or to something. Do not live in the past. The real tragedy will be if you do not move on. You have been in a prison for a long time. Time to <br />
come out and live. Be good to yourself. Take care of you.<br />
<br />
God bless.

I know the feeling. been there done that i'm wearing the t-shirt. infact we were 3 [his wife who was staying at home in another province , other mistress who is staying in another location where he was staying before he came here & mi]<br /><br />
I decided to end it the moment I saw that he is still incontact with her. that was 2 weeks ago. ysterday I saw him I feel ve y bad & sad coz I still love him