Post

It's Nothing To Brag About.

Many years ago, in the early 1990's when I was newly divorced and had two tiny babies (now 19 and almost 18), I became very, very involved with a married man. He used to come see me at work on the regular and ended up moving me in to an apartment five minutes away from his office.
This relationship was the icing on the cake of a lengthy string of extremely BAD choices I was making at the time.
We saw each other for 18 months solid. What an emotional roller-coaster. I was on top of the world when I was with him, or if I knew he was on his way or I'd be seeing him soon and in the pits of despair when he left or 'couldn't' get away to be with me. What a complete fool I was.

Eventually he started sharing little facts about his wife with me, like cute things she'd do, anecdotes that made me realize that this poor lady was the real victim in the whole situation. Finally near the end of the 18 months, I gave him three more days to confess to her what he and I both knew she knew anyway, and he couldn't do it. So at the end of the three days, I invited her to the aparment so close to his office and allowed her to bring her attorney as well.
I didn't offer any information given the extremely delicate nature of the situation and my desire to not inflict any further damage than I already had. I just answered her questions.

I still have an extremely hard time trying to have any kind of relationship with a man to this day. I have been single since the spring of 2008 and don't have the desire to even bother trying anymore. Been there, done that.

To anyone else who is "the other": GET OUT of it as SOON as you can!!! You may be able to salvage the ability to have a NORMAL relationship one day.
To anyone who is considering BEING "the other": DON'T DO IT.
To anyone considering having an "other": You got married WHY again? Your vows consisted of what, and mean what to you?

Even though that chapter of my life was nearly twenty years ago, I continue to suffer horrible consequences to my foolish actions. Be ye therefore warned.

By the way, everyone involved (both directly and indirectly) end up being victimized in this situation; first and foremost, the married person's spouse, the only completely innocent victim (unless there are children). The disastrously twisted, disfiguring affects on "the other (woman or man)" I would not wish on the foulest of enemies, and I would imagine the married person involved in the affair doesn't get away emotionally scot-free, either.
afreimann afreimann 41-45, F 73 Responses May 3, 2011

Your Response

Cancel

Not sure why you need to beat your self up continually, stop, life is too short.<br />
<br />
For the record I'm not gay, but men can be really stupid mean and hurtful to women.<br />
<br />
Hey jerks that keep ripping on her. The sin is his. She never cheated on the wife, She had no relationship with the Wife. The way one gets a wife is one vows before God that you will love honour and cherish, but notice there are no "be faithful" rules in any of the vows. <br />
<br />
Lets also look at the You weren't getting support from the Man who's children you had, another great Man. Nice to have at least on who cared for you right!<br />
<br />
Put Responsibility where it should be. Always great to blame the other woman but the fact is he was dissatisfied in the sexual bed at home and she filled that for him. If he was totally happy at home would he have cheated? If the wife Knew he wasn't happy why didn't she work to make him happy? Cause NOBODY can do it alone, That's why.<br />
<br />
Here is Man - man is a sexual being, Women in marriages get bored, look at ceiling think Beige when having sex, Man needs sex, man looks at hot dog in bun and goes OH YAaaaH <br />
Seriously when the relationship goes years I don't think it's 'cheating' it's beyond that. He set her up and looked after her and her kids, they were another family he provided for. <br />
<br />
I hope you find your peace and can go on with other relationships...do get some therapy...you need perspective.

All the naysayers *Claim* to be so concerned about the wife-- but the wife was going through psychiatric care....as in drugs and possibly eventually even a hospital stay if this man kept up his LIES. You people seem to forget that. In case you didn't know psychiatric drugs can cause a SANE person to become INSANE. So yes...she HAD TO TELL HER the TRUTH!!! Because sadly her husband didn't love her enough as a human being to care about her that much. Afreimann realized the full consequences of her actions and did her best to remedy all of them. That doesn't make her vengeful and before you go calling her that, let's read ALL of her posts, please. Otherwise you don't have the full story and you just sound STUPID.

I truly don't understand some of these nasty comments, especially those that are implying the poster is a "spiteful" woman or failed to raise her children as good people. She made a mistake... but it is so much easier to look at things from the outside. Some situations creep up on you and before you realize it you've lost emotional control. I personally would tend to run the other way with a married person, but judging her so harshly is unfair... at least she pushed for honesty in the end and learned from this situation. Take a look at your own lives before writing certain responses..

I THINK YOU DID A BRAVE THING FINISHING THAT RELATIONSHIP, BUT I DON´T GET THE POINT IN LETTING HIS WIFE KNOW ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION. NO NEED FOR THAT, SHE MUST HAVE BEEN HURT DEEPLY.

I agree with the all those that say you did the right thing in the end and your guilt is punishment enough. God has forgiven you but I don't think you have forgiven yourself. God isn't going to beat you up like some of the people want to here. UGH!!! This man was the jerk in all of this and you did what you thought was right for you at the time. I don't think you are an evil person looking to hurt people. I love someone who is married too but I haven't done anything and I won't. There is no relationship. We talk every now and then. Love is powerful and when you need it, sometimes you will take what you can get. Sometimes I think that men weren't meant to have one woman....I was cheated on by my first husband and my second husband. lol....I know of a famous producer who has a wife and girlfriend and they all live happily together lol....Really, I don't think Polygamy is wrong...I just think the government won't condone it because this type of relationship would bankrupt this country haha....not to mention our policies were ba<x>sed on Judeo Christian values

I agree with the all those that say you did the right thing in the end and your guilt is punishment enough. God has forgiven you but I don't think you have forgiven yourself. God isn't going to beat you up like some of the people want to here. UGH!!! This man was the jerk in all of this and you did what you thought was right for you at the time. I don't think you are an evil person looking to hurt people. I love someone who is married too but I haven't done anything and I won't. There is no relationship. We talk every now and then. Love is powerful and when you need it, sometimes you will take what you can get. Sometimes I think that men weren't meant to have one woman....I was cheated on by my first husband and my second husband. lol....I know of a famous producer who has a wife and girlfriend and they all live happily together lol....Really, I don't think Polygamy is wrong...I just think the government won't condone it because this type of relationship would bankrupt this country haha....not to mention our policies were ba<x>sed on Judeo Christian values

The only thing she did wrong was play god. Accepting the man's money then deciding she had to inform his wife of his transgressions? The moment she learned he was a cheating bahstahd she should have walked. Walked away from the apartment, the sex, the companionship. Did she do this? Nope. She accepted it until such time that SHE decided it was time to make things 'right'.<br />
<br />
I feel for her because 20 years later she is still screwed in the head, but what she did was unconscionable. Her course of aciton should have been, give the guy some well thought out advice and WALK AWAY. Instead she decided to destroy lives.<br />
<br />
Was he wrong? Probably, we don't know the whole story. But for her to play god.... and she still lives with this anger, this fallout. Get help woman.<br />
t

Just a quick comment.I'm noticing that the majority of people who are supporting afreimann are women who are happy that you are confessing, and wish to cut you slack. What if this were a man who did this, and had an affair with a married woman and then contacted a lawyer and the husband in the marriage, and confirmed it with him that he was having an affair with his wife? I don't think you all would be quite as fair or as understanding.

OMG! Not one of us is perfect! Lighten up people! She made mistakes and she's sorry. Let her move on and let's all move on without all this stone throwing. Which by the way NONE OF US has the right to throw stones. <br />
Thanks for sharing your story! God bless you & I wish you all the best!

Every saints has a past and every sinner has a future.

I was debating whether I should stoop to the level of hater comments by responding to your hates. I decided I must question your English comprehension skills. First of all as the poster mentioned she never denied being the other woman or her guilt in the affair nor is she claiming her experience is set in stone as some of you state. Perhaps you read a hidden agenda in the author's warning to others who may follow her path. Maybe you recognize your own infallibility in the area of temptation. I find it hard to believe regardless of what you say that you never acted on your own impulses or you never took advantage of anyone's shelter from the storm. "oh I never did anything that bad..." etc. We all cry victim and we are all guilty of something and we all want to alleviate the pain of guilt by coming clean because we can't change the past. We CAN make a different choice in the present and find happiness despite the naysayers attempts at discouraging you afreimann. <br />
Secondly nowhere in her post did the author mention her children enacting vengeance upon their mother who was ALREADY as she put it<br />
"newly divorced" . The only mention of her kids was their age then and their current age. Unless you know something I don't, some commentators not only wear earmuffs but blindfolds as well to suit your agenda .It sounds as if you are so unhappy yourselves you need to needle someone else years after the fact and sacrificing dignity in the name of hypocrisy. After all it's ok for the cheating husband to rent an apt. for his "playgirl" only to cower in the shadows when that same "playgirl" gives him the "or else" when she recognized he was taking advantage of her needs and the jig was up. As the wife I would rather have the truth from him but if she has to dish it out then she has my respect. I pray his wife is happily single or someone else's. <br />
So all you haters what are you so guilty and unhappy about? I know you are other wise you would recognize the author's pain as your own and own up to it as she has. <br />
afreimann I hope telling your story releases the "demons" so that you may experience a rich and fulfilling life and it sounds like you are.

A womans's worth is not her money, but her actions. Is not her education,but what she does with her reputation. People will remember you for your actions, not for your mistakes. How you handle your mistakes will say a lot about your character.

I stand on what I say. I don't think you did anything wrong ---- in that you attempted to rectify the "situation" by addressing (his) wife. This exonerates you, IMO.<br />
<br />
Something that most people would never do. They would never have the COURAGE that you had.<br />
<br />
And who cares what anyone else on this forum says. You (they) want to get "Biblical"? Fine. Let's do it: "Let those who are without sin cast the first stone".<br />
<br />
And not ONE person on this forum dare cast the "first stone" --- because it will fly back into their narrow-minded face(s).<br />
<br />
You've come forward ---- you admitted ---- you regret ---- you attempted to rectify. No one can ask better of you.<br />
<br />
So, never mind the "hate-mail" from those, whom have also transgressed. They're just picking on you because you're convenient ---- and attempting to hide their own "skeletons in (their) closets, to make themselves comfortable with their "closeted" lives. Who cares about their B.S. And I'm not talking about a college degree.<br />
<br />
Forget these idiots and get on with your life.

ok, now i understand lol

Love. Something we all want. The truth is, we are all mixing love with ‘leaning on’ our love ob<x>ject. <br />
We want emotional/material support. We want our loved one to stand by us, give to us and be for us. <br />
Are we not able to stand on our own feet? We all are able, thou it is sometimes hard, so there we are finding love which will fulfill this needs. <br />
It’s easy and comfortable under the name of ‘love’ to ‘lean on someone’. <br />
Married man who is looking for “excitement, understanding, attention” is just normal product of marriage where excitement is replaced by duties/obligations/responsibilities -all this house loans, car loans, children schools fees, dealing with growing up children and they emotional/material needs. <br />
We may change partners but we will end up on the same road because in the furry of everyday living we are forgetting to love.<br />
I just want to say, as until we are comfortable in our own shoes and are able to live on our own dealing with our luggage we should not look for ‘love’ – because we simply are looking for the other half to fulfill our unfulfilled desires. <br />
In case of Afreimen - I don’t think as any of you were right or wrong. You were right for each other at the time. Wife – she was not perfect definitely as well –if she will be, her man will not look for someone else. Afreimen didn’t have what she want – men for herself only- so she ‘bravely’ ended up her relationship causing more fireworks. Unnecessary. By the way – if she loved the man why she want to punish him? Was it real love?

In response to:<br />
<br />
Posted by SacredChaos on May 13th, 2011 at 9:01AM <br />
<br />
<br />
Your conveniently tailor your story to make him seem worse than you (How so? I'm only telling the truth here). <br />
<br />
You end the story by making sure he is the one who pays a price for not leaving his wife for you (No, all of us paid a price, his poor wife who was the single most innocent person concerned unfairly paid the highest price). <br />
<br />
You seem focused on revenge, but you are equally responsible (Irrefutably, yes, I solely am responsible for MY choices, no one else is). <br />
You should have walked away and left him alone to deal with his life instead of vengefully going to his wife.(and leave her to go on without truth? That would have been the cruelest thing I possibly could have done at that point). <br />
<br />
You wanted payback. (So you, being human, deem yourself capable of judging me when "the heart is deceitful and wicked above all else, who can know it?" Here's some truth: you're wrong. No, I did NOT want payback.)<br />
Perhaps if that wasn't your main motive you will be able to move on and forgive yourself. (I do forgive myself, and continue to remain repentant by never having another extramarital affair since the end of that one. Never will). Stop judging him. That's God's job wen the time comes.(You're absolutely right and my only judgement is that he ultimately continued to choose poorly by not confessing to his wife since needed the truth, preferably from HIM, more than anything.)<br />
<br />
I feel so bad for the wife you took out your bad choices on. (Took my bad choices out on? She was profusely grateful, truly a 100% class-act all the way). <br />
Whether she knew or not, whether he ever told her or not, it was not your concern. (Not once I knew that her knowledge of the affair coupled with the lies was killing her. It would have been far more cruel to keep Truth from her at the point she reached with having been lied to for so long. Someone needed to tell her the truth; it's terribly sad that he didn't tell her. That would have been the best of all scenarios, but I couldn't make him do it). <br />
It was theirs alone. Doesn't that still just **** you off that you never had a real claim or any rights here in your scenario? (Not at all, only very ashamed for my selfish behaviour and very, very sad). <br />
Accept it. Your replies to others who you clearly invited to comment or you wouldn't be here reek of your anger (yes, I have no tolerance for stupidity nor do I appreciate feedback from the half-wits who are for whatever reason incapable or of perceiving my REGRET for ever getting involved in an affair to begin with). <br />
<br />
and still trying to justify what you did...he hurt me so I hurt him back (SHE DESERVED TRUTH, it's not my fault that I was the only one with enough spine to give it to her). <br />
<br />
Those people are right, my dear. Your experience was a bad one, but accept your role. (yes, hence the confession and cessation of that affair along with the resultant benefit of never making the same mistake again).

In response to:<br />
Posted by cowshed123 on May 12th, 2011 at 8:34PM<br />
<br />
<br />
... but i gather that you knew he was married before you started the affair:<br />
(Nope, we had been seeing each other for weeks before I got any inclination to even ask him if he was married). <br />
<br />
i do applaud you for doing the right thing in the end, and ending the relationship, even though i do agree with some other comments here!! it does sound as though you wanted to get back at him, and make him feel as bad as you felt about the whole affair!! <br />
(No, I didn't want revenge, I only wanted to do the right thing, which is why I IMPLORED him to tell her, I spent hours trying to convince him to come clean with her, that he might have been able to salvage the marriage by admitting what she told him she already knew. How I wish he had. But the poor lady was seeing a psychiatrist, for God's sake, and needed the truth from wherever she could get it. This is why I didn't volunteer any information and only answered her questions, I was not out for revenge. Revenge for what? He didn't force me to stupidly keep seeing him.)

Wow, for some reason I was shocked by the level of wrath in some of these comments. My comment was going to be more of an analysis of the scenario and a critique of your writing (I thought when I signed up with Experience Project it was for aspiring authors). I admire your courage for reading the comments. So, as a fellow "other woman" let me say, I usually find the men to blame in these situations. In my life (I'm 60) I've been attracted to married men who would never dream of cheating, but who let me know they were attracted to me and flattered. The ones who will cheat are more to blame than the other woman. They have a choice to make and they choose to risk their marriage. The other woman has a choice, but if she doesn't jump at the chance he'll find another victim eventually. I'm not saying it's a good thing to be the other woman, but having been there, I know painful and destructive the affair can be for everyone. But, well, **** happens. It can be extremely difficult to walk away from someone you believe (at the time) is the love of your life.

It is not right for us to pass judgment on someone unless we have been in the same shoes. 2 months ago, I ended a relationship with a married woman. We had known each other for 4 years. I was friends with her husband and her children. I got divorced from my wife of 22 years because of the relationship. What the poster said about the roller coaster ride is very true. The ups are very up, the downs are way down. It truly drove me crazy. It has been challenging to right my ship, but right it I have. And there is no more roller coaster ride. The challenge that you have is to find the strength and the courage to get out there. Take what you have learned, and build the best relationship that you can with someone. Life is meant to be lived. We have in us the ability to be happy. It is up to us. Thanks for sharing with us.

Your conveniently tailor your story to make him seem worse than you. You end the story by making sure he is the one who pays a price for not leaving his wife for you. You seem focused on revenge, but you are equally responsible. You should have walked away and left him alone to deal with his life instead of vengefully going to his wife. You wanted payback. Perhaps if that wasn't your main motive you will be able to move on and forgive yourself. Stop judging him. That's God's job wen the time comes. I feel so bad for the wife you took out your bad choices on. Whether she knew or not, whether he ever told her or not, it was not your concern. It was theirs alone. Doesn't that still just **** you off that you never had a real claim or any rights here in your scenario? Accept it. Your replies to others who you clearly invited to comment or you wouldn't be here reek of your anger and still trying to justify what you did...he hurt me so I hurt him back. Those people are right, my dear. Your experience was a bad one, but accept your role.

you know, one of the lessons to be learned here, is that if the man is married, he is married, end of story!! no matter how much you love him, it doesnt give you the right to just barge in there, wreck his marriage, and take him for yourself!! he might have told you that his wife knew about the affair, but at the end of the day, he was still "Married"!! i always have some sympathy with women that end up getting involved with men, without knowing they are married, but i gather that you knew he was married before you started the affair, so in this case, im, sorry, but i dont have any sympathy with you, cos no matter how many times this other guy told you how much he loved or hated his wife, or how happy or unhappy he was, you always have to remember that there is always 2 sides to every story!! although i do applaud you for doing the right thing in the end, and ending the relationship, even though i do agree with some other comments here!! it does sound as though you wanted to get back at him, and make him feel as bad as you felt about the whole affair!!

Very good story.. I was in a similar situation and decided that<br />
I'm worth more than being a side piece of ***... I'm more main dish material

Those who are without sin or fault, throw the first stone. Every person on this earth has some kind of fault. The brave are the ones who can stand up and say, "I messed up and I'm forever sorry." And why is it that the other woman is usually the only one to get blamed? I see it all the time, sure perhaps the couple get divorced, but it's the woman that is hated. Not one of the "haters" out there had a bad word to say about how this man sweet talked a young divorced mother and let her fall in love with him. This is how many of those cheaters operate, as they know women like this are easy to "catch". Men that try to cheat, want to cheat and will go to any lengths to do so. But I would also like to say this to those women who are dating a married man and are waiting to marry him when he's "free". If you married a man cheated on his wife with you, you married a man who cheats on his wife. <br />
You hang tough there afreimann, and let yourself live life. You've made a mistake, admitted it <br />
and paid for it, in full. I'd like to know how long those 'haters' who never did anything wrong in their life, want you to pay. Oh yeah, I forgot, someone said for the rest of your life. I have news for them, they're not your judge, God is. I'm sure you have prayed for forgiveness and perhaps you've been forgiven and you haven't hear it because you are so full of guilt. I bet he's still proud of himself and probably still a cheater. God Bless you.

to fionar78: you're right. I should have immediately run as far away as I could, but I stupidly and selfishly chose not too. And yeah, I deserved every painful consequence of my own selfishness. See, my hope is that other people facing a similar choice might see my experience and (I pray!) decide *against* becoming involved in an affair. That is my whole reason for laying it out for the world to see; my hope is that someone else will benefit from my experience and make better choices.<br />
That WAS over twenty years ago. All I could find is a group in the present tense (I -love- a married man, not "I LOVED (past tense!) a married man"). <br />
<br />
to calvin138: <br />
#1) he did NOT tell me he was married from the start. Where the hell are you getting these lies? We'd been seeing each other for WEEKS before my (then) naive-a$$ figured it out and confronted him and confirmed that yes, he was married. <br />
<br />
Oh yeah, and when you read the things that people post, READ THE ENTIRE THING. <br />
<br />
Obviously, you didn't see:<br />
"...that chapter of my life was nearly twenty years ago"<br />
<br />
I didn't "wake up and say "wow, he loves his wife"; he told me enough about her to open my eyes to the destruction that he and I both were causing her and once I accepted and faced what MY part in it was, I made the best decision I could. <br />
<br />
And with regard to "your are destroyer, you deserve the pain", do you seriously consider yourself perfect enough to sit in Judgement? Who the hell do you think you are? Try getting that huge plank of wood out of your own eye before worrying about the splinter in mine.<br />
<br />
<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
to Annabelle111, jim3130, BaruchEli, koosymen, LimeGreen96): It's folks like you, sentient, thinking beings who read stories in their entirety and respond with intelligence that keep me coming back to E.P. Thanks!

when you find out that he was a married man you were supposed to get out of the relationship you were busy enjoying with him while the wife was crying ,how do you sleep at night knowing that your in a relationship with a married man, you wanted him to leave his wife your are destroyer ,you deserve the pain.

i don't admire you at all. when you woke up and said "wow, he loves his wife" you couldn't stand it. so you went ahead and made sure she felt as awful as the person you are. put your head further in the sand you home wrecker because sites like this people will buy you bull----. some of us won't buy it. he told you he was married from the start! what did you want to get out of this relationship? oh, i know you got what you wanted, you broke up his home. ok, on to your next job. perhaps the next family will only take you 12 months because you sound pretty good at it. i am sorry, did you also bring a lawyer? awful, awful awful person.

I admire your courage to come out clean. I have been the other woman and I know what it is all. please disregard all the negative comments you got here they will NEVER understand what it meant to you. Forgive yourself and be open to love. I did it and am happy to have a man that truly loves me and we are thinking of even getting married. Love yourself don't sweat it and love will find you. All the best. ((Hugs & Kisses))

Well, the concensus of opinion appears to be split. IMO, I think you're being a little hard on yourself when you called yourself a "fool" for what you did. <br />
<br />
I know the saying is older than Moses: but, "Love is blind". Whether you did what did out of "love, loneliness, protecting your children ---- whatever" ---- you made the call. Right or wrong. And it is not we who can judge you because many of us have experienced just what you went through.<br />
<br />
You're beating up on yourself, years after you "went wrong" --- and you need to stop doing that.<br />
<br />
It's done. I'ts over. Now move on and find THAT loving relationship which you seek and deserve.<br />
<br />
Finally ---- no matter how our opinions may well differ --- I think that we're all impressed with the fact that you wanted to "come clean" with his wife. That speaks volumes for your character. In fact, I would say that "that" gesture far overshadows any "wrong" that you did.<br />
<br />
Again, an old saying: "Time heals all wounds". It's time to "come clean" with YOURSELF and remember, after all is said and done --- that you "did the right thing". Single and lonely? Well, join most of the rest of us.<br />
<br />
I wish you the best of luck in finding that right man. I'm confident you will. Regards, jim3130

Attention Haters (specifically: tyler3222, Loosewife -- the name says it ALL, destiney24): Understand that he'd been telling me for MONTHS that she knew, she was asking, and he continued to deny it. I gave him the *additional* seventy-two hours to confess after he told me that she thought she was going INSANE and had started both seeing a psychiatrist and taking medication, and her hair was falling out. I gave him three days to tell her what she already knew in (FINALLY at least) consideration of HER sanity.<br />
I don't deny deserving the consequences, though; God will not be mocked; what a (hu)man reaps, that will he also sow. And I forever continue to stand by my decision to ultimately choose the right thing in the absence of the person who should have done the confessing (the cheating husband). <br />
We don't get to go back and redo it, folks.<br />
PS: navarre: "the sanctity of an affair"..........are you serious?<br />
and to Lanya: Good luck with that.

I am actually really proud of the origional poster. She had and affair, made bad choices (just like everyone in the world). She learned from her mistake and was really brave to post her story on here. I may be new but if you look at other posting by other people they are saying "make sure you get lots of money and expensive jewelry so you can cash it in later"<br />
At least this poster was saying look I made this mistake, Please don't make the same one.