How Do You Let Go?

I can't believe I would be "the other woman".
We have been seeing each other off and on since November. First he had issues, then I had issues, but we finally got everything worked out. I made the big mistake of falling in love with him. I knew he was the kind of man who would never leave his wife, I didn't care.
But there I was yesterday running out his front door as his wife was walking in the back door. I hid around the side of the house to make sure she didn't look out front. Then I just started walking and walking. I had left my purse in the house so I had nothing, could do nothing but wait. After I saw her drive away I went back in and I could just see by the look on his face, that I was history.
Wives always win, lovers always lose. WTF was I thinking?
He says I deserve better and that he's sorry. That means **** right now. He was not only my lover, he was my best friend. We talked everyday. I feel so empty inside right now.
someday59 someday59
56-60, F
21 Responses Aug 11, 2011

I'm 21 years old and going through the same thing I have been for 1 year and 3 months now and he's 32, has a 2 little girls. I just need someone to talk to this about. I'm too young to be dealing with this kind of heart break. 💔

im 21 too i met him when i was 20 he is 34 i didnt kno he was married he lied and said he was in a complicated relationship so i thought he probably just had a on/off gf so we connected well until i found out he had 6 kids and living with the mother of his children i was heartbroken he tried tellin me he didnt love her he was there for the kids and he was planning to get his own apt because it would be better for the kids the worst part is i work with him i see him alot so harder for me to move on but just remind urself you're beautiful u can get through it and u deserve better because if he does that to the women that gave him kids u think he will stay with me and value me nope, he will do the same why because men like that don't change

I've been in a "relationship" with a married man since last October. What started out as harmless flirtation became something real. He told me that although he did love his wife, he was in love with me. Problem is, he has 3 children under the age of 10. I knew in the back of my head that he would never leave...I tried to keep myself prepared for the day he did. 3 days ago, his wife found some of our messages. I can't imagine how she must have felt to see the way we talked to each other. Our messages were not always of a sexually nature. They were sweet and caring and those of best friends. He was my best friend. He knew everything about me. The day after she found out, he calls me from his work and tells me things will be distant for a while as he will only be able to call me from work. He still loves me and doesn't want to lose me. 2 hours later I get a call from him....but it doesn't sound like him. It's almost robotic, cold....telling me we were over and he had to choose them and I was no longer any part of his life. I didn't argue, I didn't cry....I just agreed and told him I would make sure I didn't exist to him anymore and hung up on him. I woke up this morning and the shock and numbness has worn off. I'm a mess. I miss my best friend. I miss the person I woke up to, even by phone or text. I don't care what anyone says about the other woman, we have feelings too. We don't set out to hurt anyone or wreck a home. We are human. And we are the ones left to pick up pieces while they are still living their other life. I love him and miss him. I hope this gets easier

How are you these days? Are you over him? Iam going through something similar and need to see light at end of tunnel.

I feel for you. I am going through this myself. My best friend, he is. We feel in love with each other. This started last November. He says he isnt in love w his wife, nor desires her. And has been unhappy for a couple years. About 2 months ago, he informed me that he wasnt going to leave her. As he planned on, and in fact, told her. His reason being, because he doesnt want to lose his family. Kids.....grandkids. this all has really crushed me. I know i need to walk away. But it seems when i tell him that, he just wants me more. I am so ashamed...and the guilt is horrible.

I understand your pain, except he tells me he is in love with me and to hang on.. He thinks his marriage will end on its own terms. They are in counceling but he says it doesn't help and there is so much stress in there house and they are not intimate! She knows he had an affair with me that lasted over a year but she thinks I'm out of the picture... And I'm not! I don't know what to do anymore I'm so hurt and confused!!! There's a lot to our story but I'm not sure if he really will leave her or keep protecting her to save his family, even though he loves her he isn't in love with her and has no intimacy feelings toward her what so ever!

It seems majority of these men who stay in their marriage, unhappy, are not in love, have no desire for their wifes. However, cant leave. I am honestly just having one of those days that i am so fed up being the "other woman." And hearing his excuses. And the poor poor him..he seems to dish out.

Gosh been there and waited a whole's such a roller coaster. I nearly lost everything because of it!! Read so many stories on this site while I wa going thru it, even saw a therapist...did everything. Yet i only saw the light, when he slowly started deattaching and making his wife the priority...

Feel bad for you Mel and cannot give you much more advice than be the one to walk out's bad enough being 2nd but then being treated like you were nothing at the end just makes it even worse. I never thought I would be the woman being treated this way...but it's real life - these men are users and even if women are married and have affairs, I truly believe we do it out of love and not boredom or just for sex... Gosh if I could turn back time I would...

It's all the same they never leave...

2 More Responses

Is it possible that he loves equally the wife and the other woman?

I am with you.. He left me for his wife.. Despite he been telling me that I am the ones that he loves... I am in the same situation as you excepts both of us doesn't have any kids... I got divorced and now he told me that we are a mistake and his wife is the victim. He said that he want to make thing right for once. He want to remove me totally from his life and move on. He wished me all the best and hope I will never cross his path anymore.

Gosh! I have the same situation.. i fell inlove with my best friend. He is also a kind of man who will never leave his wife. I am having a hard time letting him go.. the process kills but i know i have to...

I won't judge you. Sometimes, things happened for a reason. Embrace it and learn from it. But he's right you really deserve better. Its easy to say it but a willingness to let go can do it. You will never forget him. But @ minimize the thoughts. It hurts now but u'll be fine in the long run. Am talking from the experience. Goodluck

To everyone who shared their experience its been almost a month since we parted ways... It ended not the way I wanted it to be. But I guess this has to happen for my own good. From my last post I said that I see him less and less and felt so little importance or nothing at all. I was always the last on his least. But because I love him I have accepted it. Kids, wife, work, relatives and friends before me. It wasn't the case before he was there all the time even just to ask how I am on the phone. But recently he wasn't replying to my txt msgs and missed calls. We work together but rarely have time to talk bec it's always busy and we work on different shifts sometimes. One morning I rang his home from my blocked no. Mobile it was his eldest daughter who answered the phone so I did not hung up. I politely asked for him. I did not disclosed my real name. I just pretended to be from work and asking if he can work a certain shift. She said he's not there said thank you and we ended our conversation. It texted him about my call. But no response. He said his in deep ****. Bec he left his mobile once and his wife saw my missed call from a blocked no. Then here I am calling his home. I know it was wrong but I never gave any gesture that I am somebody involved with him. He never communicated. I felt so depressed. Then one day after work I waited for him and asked if we can talk. Said he can't, he will just phone me. So he did. He asked me to leave him alone. And forget about him. I was devastated, most painful experience I had to bear. When things were starting I never asked him to like me. He came as a knight in shining armour, he took all the sadness away from me. I never even knew he was married even we worked 3 years before we had our relationship none at work knew he was married. He kept it very private, bec. They have their own problems. When I learned about his family, I backed out but insisted that they were just living together bec of children and no love anymore. Countless times I turned away because of the pain of not being the one... But he never let me go completely. He indirectly stopped me seing my old friends specially male. He said he's afraid I will find somebody better and leave him instantly. I'm very loyal to him. And accepted all the consequences but just bec of that... He thinks I'm a threat to his family. It was a painful goodbye... I always ask why does he has to come in my life just to leave a deeper scar that maybe I can't forget in my lifetime.

So now you know, never fall in love with a married man. They will NEVER leave their so called perfect life. They only want sex. It's not you, it's all about them. If you can't handle the facts, don't get involved

I never felt it was like that at the beginning, he was there to boost my moral. He told me we are the only people who understand the situation, my life has everything good going inspite of my husband leaving me and kids for another woman. he helped me get over my heartbreak. but now he told me my life is broken the reason why im trying to break his. Sad to know that he used me at the most vulnerable time of my life. I pity him if he just wanted sex. he should find a woman that want to play the same game as him. i pity her wife to have such kind of husband. a person that wanted to look perfect on everybodys eyes but is doing evil things behind. i realy dont know how to get up from this point. Pls. help.

Don't feel sorry for his wife. We human. Ppl makes mistake. What he did have nothing to do with his wife. He did that on his own. And You fall for it. You should be feeling yourself. Get up and let go. We can't always have what we want and life.

Right now, im starting on the painful process... sad thing is, i dont have my support system. No one knows about my secret affair even my closest friends. That makes it more heavy as a baggage. But i know in time, i'll be healed

i know of a spell caster that can help you

Things happened for a reason. Instead of thinking why did he ever come to your life and leave. You should accept it and let go. Learned from it. Ppl come in go. True loves comes from within. You will be okay

3 More Responses

I myself is in the same situation, I have a relationship with a married man for almost 2 years and yes he is the love of my life. It is the very first time I'm joining a forum with regards to this. I'm separated for 3 years now, my ex husband left me and two kids for another married woman who has 2 daughters, I was devastated. I was coping well but lonely. I started going out with my colleague at work 10 months after our separation, Ive been working with this man for 3 years and he is very likeable, but hasn't disclosed any personal details to me or other co workers, as years went by, we thought he has kids but never married. He has two good man friend where we work and that's what they thought too. Later on after few dates, I've asked him where is the mother of his kids... He simply said, he has fallen out if love... I respected and believed on what he said. Then a news came to me from one of our colleague who happens to have a common friend with his wife... I was devastated, I'm already in love with him. I searched his name on the net and there is a name that always is attached to his. It was confirmed he was married. I felt cheated, we are good friends for years before dating and he knew how vulnerable I am that time. He helped me along the way and now ended up worse. We've talked and he explained that they are leaving together but almost separated, no sex for 3 years. We've cooled off but then... Found myself accepting everything and on his arms. He got me pregnant but I have to have TOP not to make his life complicated... Love him so much. Many days give by... I anonymously emailed his wife to know the real score I found out that his telling the truth, I did not identify myself but gave her a clue of him having an affair... They nearly broke up... But worked things out for the sake of kids and surely for live as well. He left me alone but I have to bitterly accept the fact and that is the right thing he had to do, tried moving on, but he came back into the scene... And got me again..... We grew deeper.... I'm a full pledge other woman... Then he found out about the email that i sent to his wife and my attempt to move on by joining a dating site. He was furious, he said I hurted him badly, he stopped me seeing other guy friends. It was a hell for me... There are days he will never call or reply on txt. So we parted again but kept in touch as friends... Later on after 2 months we ended up together again, but not like when we started I see him less less and less. And I saw him few times with wife and children they are in better dynamics, surely things have changed... I felt I was used by the person who I thought truly cared for me... He doesn't leave me 100 percent but his with me barely 5 percent. I love him still up to this day.... But I wanted to ask you guys what should I do.... He's the only person that brings me joy at the same time immense pain. Pls. Help!

You know there is no future with him, so why do you go back? I think you have figured it out, it's just taking a while to let him go. He is not the only person to bring you joy, you just haven't found the right one yet.

You should walk away completely. I know it's hard. I feel like I don't get any of this time or attention anymore and I don't think I can continue knowing I will get less and less until he don't care or want me at all. I'm trying to not contact him now as he said I expect too much so now I will expect nothing. I don't want to feel like I nag him for his time and if he don't want to be there like he used to be then ur better off walking away too before it hurts u even more x

i know of a spell caster that can help you ok

sodone40, don't ever go back no matter what he says, cuz it's always a lie. If you want to say bye, bye don't say it in person.
Married men are MARRIED.
Just my 2 cents
Good luck

I know how u feel. I was dating a married man for 4 years and he was married for 5. They had no kids together but he had kids by other woman. I got along with the kids. His family knew about me too. I was never a secret. Every holiday his kids would spend it with me and my kids. Not at his house. he would come to my house with his kids. He left home for a year and stayed with me. I put him out when he ended up cheating on me and having a baby. He went back to his wife. When i moved away he came looking for me. Of course we got back together. he was still with his wife. Ive been thru alot of ups and downs. We finally broke it off but now he acts like i dont exsist. He won't return calls, texts,etc. Finally on this Thursday he said he wanted to talk to me before the new year I guess to give closure but I know i'm not gonna get it.

Me too. I'm so sorry. I know how much it hurts

I was also involved with a married man for a year and a half but we recently broke it off cz he had to leave the island.yes im still in the stage of trying to remove him from my heart and mind but it is very difficult and it hurts so bad.there are time i just wanna break down while im working.i miss him so much but theres nothing i can do:((((

It has been 9 months since that horrible day and I have moved on. We didn't talk for quite a while, but over time we started to e-mail. I made it clear that I would only be a friend, that we would never see each other again, my terms.
So we do e-mail each other once or twice a week and have spoke on the phone once. He is a good friend now. Funny how things work out.

Is it really possible? To end up as friends after breaking up with him? How did you cope with the sadness and the longing to be with him?

How does it ever stop hurting

i hear you guys. i am aslo in a similar situation. im married seeing a married man. he says he loves his wife, but doesnt look like it to me. i dont love my husband anymore.i always break up with my married man and then i want him back again.<br />
i realise that this thing wont get us anywhere and that we are living a lie.<br />
but i can't get him out of my system.<br />
Please comment

i know of a spell caster that can help you ok

I also agree with 929, but It is easy said, hard to do. He was not only a lover, but my best friend. And to loose both all at once is extreamly difficult. All I can do is go day by day. Ha, sort-of like AA I guess.

I agree mjw929.... if only i can do it - i suppose i will stop all contact one of these days. we not on social network anymore, but he e-mails me once in a while ..... just friendly e-mails... but that also has to stop... :( sigh, it is difficult

They say the best way to end it is to just stop. Have no contact whatsoever. So when you think you are strong enough to do that, you just need to block him from every aspect from your life. It will be a lot better and easier on you if you don't have a constant reminder of him all the time.

How do you do this

Wow, It sounds like you can't catch a break. I hope things start gong your way!

Hi... yes, time really is all it takes - a lot of it ! But you have to split and have mininum contact - do not talk about love or anyting intimate at all.. then time starts the healing process. Good luck with this... the breakup is very hard, you will have to be very strong - both of you.<br />
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It still hurts a little after 4 months, but has become more bearable - I don't think of him every second anymore, only every 2 hours or so... hahha- i will get there in the end as well, where I hope I will only think of him once a week or so - it is my goal...

oh I so feel for you...... all i can tell you is that it really really takes time.. a worn-out cliche i know, but unfortunately true... i am speaking of experience. I had a very intense, wonderful emotional online affair with one of my "friends' on a social network. oh man, was too beautiful.... he is married and i am too.... and both of us do love our own spouses as well.. crazy. !! we felt we couldn't carry on the affair, as the longings were becoming quite intense too and we live in separate countries quite far apart.... So we ended it. As he said, if we were both free, he would have jumped on that plane ! And let me tell you, this affair was as intense as a physical affair where you could see each other... love knows no boundaries... Anyway, it has now taken me 4 months to start seeing the "light" again, where parts of me are starting to function again. I was totally devestated by this. We still "speak" once in a while, but nothing serious..... it is difficult... but time really is all you need ..... talk to me anytime you want..

Does time really work to heal? I have been in an affair for 4 years. we dont want to end it. People knew about us 2 years ago. Almost divorced but still at home. My love and I have tried to split but cannot seem to do it. Does it just take more time? It's painful to be without her.

I know how ya feel. That was how I was feeling a few weeks ago. I've been with my MM about 10 months now. We haven't crossed the line like "all the way" but we've been close to it. From what I can tell my MM and his wife have nothing in common and she makes him do ALL the work. I don't see how he puts up with her. Anyway him and I have everything in common. And he tells me he loves me almost everytime I see him. He never says it when she's around or anything though. And whenever she walks out the room then he's like oh your so pretty and all that stuff. I honestly think if he had met me first he would have chosen me to be his wife and not her. <br />
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I keep telling myself no matter how much he loves me, he ain't leaving her. I've tried to just forget about him but it's so hard. He's my bestfriend and I'd go crazy if I didn't see him all the time. He makes me a better person. I've tried and tried to let him go, the best I can go is a few days then I have to give in cause I love him so much. So i don't know how to answer the question how do you let go because i don't think I ever will. <br />
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If you ever want to talk just message me.

Hello Tryin2 I tried to message you but was blocked? I would like to talk with you