From A Distance

I met him on my first day of work, he was the manager of the team that I had just joined. He is not a very impressionable person at first look, but you will know immediately that he is kind. He's a silent out-performer at work, a tough yet conscientious boss. He's the person that life has forced to grow up quickly and take on responsibilities early. Very private person, who doesn't volunteer any personal information unless asked. I was the only person who even happily accompanied him for lunch to the cafeteria. We talked only once about his wife.
I was happy to have the good fortune of getting a boss who gave me responsibilities on Day 1 and had the confidence in my capabilities. Anyone who knows me from a distance will say that I am a smiling sunny face, always pleasant, but 'no approach' beyond a certain point. That is one of the qualities that we share. There is a thin line of acceptable behaviour between a male manager and his younger female subordinate. My manager never crossed that line, yet at the same time, he was friendly enough to be my best friend in office. Working closely with him over time made me admire his strength of character and value system, his guts to stand up to corporate 'fights'... his tight forehead while concentrating intensely, his salt-and-pepper hair, his slim physique, and his angular features softened by his beautiful smile when he greets me.... In a matter of 3 months, I was crazy..
I am generally considered attractive by the opposite sex and had the fortune of guys approaching me in college. This was the first time that I had identified a person of interest myself. That was fascinating. Plus he didn't treat me differently from how he would treat a guy in my place. That's when, like most girls, I felt the slight need to 'crack' him. On my last day in the team, the usual lunch-for-two was special, and we both knew it. That was the only day his gaze fell below my face.. I had dressed slightly provactively - a deviation from my strict dress code. It lasted only a half-second.. My heart hammered away with extra energy, while my admiration for him grew on seeing his self preserve (In my country, self preserve and dignity is a huge turn on for both males and females!). That is my side of the story. And I don't know his. 
One thing that I do know though, is that both of us are the kind of people that wouldn't never overstep the boundaries of responsible social behaviour. For me, it is simply because I don't have the guts to do so. And because I would lose my respect for him if he broke his marriage and abandoned his wife to go after a temptress. Even though I have daydreamed of a hundred ways in which we be united, if any turned out to be true, I would RUN. And I know the same goes for him. I was working with him for 6 months, and it has been 6 months since I last saw him. I miss him and sometimes feel desolate that there can be no future with him. 
SheilaS SheilaS
3 Responses May 10, 2012

I'm in an extremely situation. I go over the rights and wrongs in my head, every second of the day. But no matter how many other "fish in the sea" there are, he's still there, and he's still the only one that get's any emotional reaction. But it's true what you say, if the guy violates his marriage for you, then you'd lose the respect you have. The marrige is what keeps you apart, but at the same time, it's part of who he is, and who he is is what's got you going crazy. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. I never thought, in a million years, I would ever feel this way about someone, never mind someone who was married. But now I do... and it's just so hard. If you make a move, you'll be opening up a massive can of worms... so to say. And if you always keep your feelings to yourself... then nothing may ever happen. I wish I had some advice, but I don't. All I can say is, you're not alone. But that doesn't provide for much comfort... :(

Wow, this is almost IDENTICAL to my own experience! I would love to chat more about it, if you would like.

It is a beautiful rendition of your feelings.