He's Told Her He Wants A DivorceAnd if it only it were that easy, he tells her and they go their separate ways. It isn't that easy, and in fact, it is incredibly, incredibly hard.
Difficulty number one: My love has been taught since birth that he would have to take care of his parents when he grew up, and that his mother would find a wife for him to fit in with the family arrangement. He was taught his first responsibility is to his parents, and if he divorces his wife and marries me and goes to the US with me, his family thinks he will be abandoning them and his responsibilities. His mother is especially determined that he should stay where he is and live the life she chose for him. And he is so not good at standing up to his mother.
Difficulty number two: The poor girl he married, via arranged marriage, doesn't want to go back to Pakistan, and if she has to, she is afraid that no one else will marry her, in spite of the fact that she is still a virgin. My love has to feel responsible for her, somewhat, because he did marry her, however reluctantly. If he simply sends her back to Pakistan, he will feel bad about it. I say that as young and pretty as the girl is, she will be able to marry again. But really, how do I know what people will think or do in Pakistan? I've never even been there. And of course I feel bad for her. She is totally innocent and a victim of stupid choices made on her behalf.
Difficulty number three: My love has to face a fiance visa interview to even get to come to the US to marry me. Since we have an age and culture and religion gap, and he is a Pakistani, he is afraid it will be hard for him to convince the US we will have a love marriage. I am less concerned about that, because we have emails, pictures, and over 25 thousand Facebook messages proving our love. He asks me, what if the interviewer just doesn't like Muslims, or Pakistanis? And what can I say? I've never had to do anything like this before, so I don't know.
Difficulty number four: Let's say we get past this huge river of crap, and he comes and marries me. Then we have to think about making a living, and making enough so he can send money back to his parents, who don't have any savings and no such thing as social security to help them through their old age. I know it isn't impossible, or even unlikely that we can do it, but the US economy isn't great, and it is a concern.
A part of me tells me that fighting for each other is selfish and we should admit that there are no guarantees and decide that it would be best to separate for good when I go back to America. But I love him so much, and the thought of living without him is terrifying.
mexpat 41-45, F 1 May 11, 2012