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Having An Affair

I just came across these boards when I googled divorced/separation message boards. I want to tell my story as wrong as it is. Right now, I have so many different emotions going through my head. I'll try to start from the beginning w/o making it to long. I am 35 yrs old. I met my current husband when I was only 14 and in jr high. We have been together for 21 years, married for 14 years. Before we married, I broke up with him a few times to date other boys. I was still a teenager and wanted to meet other guys but I always came back to current hubby, Joe. I met a guy, Kyle in 1997. I was 20 yrs old and not married yet. I fell in love with him....in love like no other. We spent alot of time together. He lived 2 hours south of me but had a cabin 1 hour north of me. We spent lots of weekends there alone. I was so scared of leaving Joe for good. He was with me for so long and never turned his back on me. Long story short, I broke it off with Kyle and Joe and I got married in 1998. I tried hard to forget about Kyle and just move on with my life but I couldn't. I thought about him quite a bit over the years. I lost some weight and started feeling better about myself 3 years ago and decided I was going to try to find Kyle online. I knew that he lived next to the cabin we used to stay in because I drove by a few times in the last 14 years. I found his email address and emailed him back in June of 2009. I heard from him a few days later. We started talking and he told me he thought about me all of the time too..just the way I had him. He even called me a few times and hung up when I answered. So, the affair began and we fell in love all over again. He is married with 2 children and Joe and I also have 2 kids. Both of our spouses found out a month later in late July. The affair has continued for the last 3 years with both his wife and my husband finding out on different occassions when we saw each other. As of now, both spouses believe the affair ended over a year ago. It's hard to see each other because we live 2 hours apart but we talk for hours everyday online.

So anyway, I was so ready to leave Joe a year ago to be with Kyle but Kyle won't leave his wife. Both of us fight constantly with our spouses. I just can't or don't understand why he won't leave her if he is so unhappy and so in love with me. All I can think that it is is the financial thing. I know he wants to take care of his kids and he's worried he won't have enough to live on....which is why I haven't left Joe yet either because I don't think I can take care of myself and kids financially w/o him.

Right now, our spouses don't know we are still communicating and seeing each other when we can (which is only maybe once every other month if we are lucky) I want a real relationship with him but I know it's never going to happen. I just keep telling myself this is fantasy and it's a way for each of us to get away from real life for awhile when we are together. But I want more...More than he is willing to give.

I fight constantly with Joe. He is a verbal/emotional abuser. He yells alot, every single day. And it's not just at me but at both of our kids too. I know he needs anger management or some other type of counseling but he tells me he doesn't have a problem. Like I said earlier, if I thought for a second, I could take care of myself and my kids, I would leave. I just don't know what to do or how much more I can take before having another nervous breakdown cuz I can see it happening any time now.

Also, wondering if there is a real live chat room for affair stuff? Anyone know?
Thanks for reading this if you got this far. Just don't know where else to turn to.
Rose1977 Rose1977 31-35, F 3 Responses Jun 19, 2012

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You would be suprised..I said I wouldn't leave either..as time went on I got softer and softer..I would right now if I still had. a chance to

I have a very similar story......I understand you completely.

Rose,<br />
I too was in that situation, three kids with one in college to pay for. I did leave, and although it was hard to pay the bills on my own, somehow I managed without any financial help from my ex. I still have no help from him but at least I feel happier. Now my MM is still with me, and I know I eventually have to leave him too. But one day at a time is all it takes, you will get there. Till then, take care of you