He's My Buddy, But His Wife Sure Isn't

S's wife is at it again. She is proposing all sorts of crazy stuff, and he, dear fellow, is acquiescing to her demands because he hates it when she gets pouty.  I have offered to serve as dominatrix to whip her into shape.

I love S.  He is a really nice man.  I could easily have fallen in love with him, but I knew that would be a mistake once I heard him talk about his admiration for women at the gym.  Toned women.  I am curvy.  While I am working on getting toned and utterly gorgeous by my fiftieth next year, I prefer to be in love with someone who finds me hot now.  So he and I are buddies, chat and phone buddies. He endeavours to get me to join him for tea, but I have resisted thus far.  Some day I will have it with him.  Once I've toned up a bit.  And we will go someplace where his wife could spot us.  I will lean over and kiss him to torment her, and make her reconsider the hall pass she offered him in return for his permission for her to take a lover.

A lover, it should be noted, whom she has invited to stay at her house.  Which is, of course, S's house too.  As well as that of their two children.  Ye gods.  Things are out of control.  Which is why I may have to step in with my little red riding crop.

It all started when I sent him an email with the subject line "I'm willing to train your wife like this."  The email contained my standard Moliere signature line and one item:


As I hit send, I realized with horror that for some reason his work email was in the To: field.  He must've sent me something from work recently, so the gmail program thought that was a good one to use.  Or something.  I'm not really sure, because I am not a computer person.  Anyway, I felt bad.

I just sent something to your work email by mistake
I am super sorry
S: where are you, my secret lover?
what’s your problem, you are not willing to train her to be my anal *****?
me: Ha
 You are such a funny man.
 Yes, I am willing.
 I just felt terrible that I sent it to your work email
S: ah, there you are
 I own the business
and no one has access to our server for the email
 can I call you
me: Good!
I was hoping it wasn't on the screen at some training
 I'm with son
S: dang
me: sorry, dear
S: we need to go have tea
me: we do, yes
S: I don’t like texting stuff
me: sigh
 check this out
S: yes
me: http://macfalkner.tumblr.com/post/5285078389/heavy-use
 explain why I am not being used this way
S: Midwestern values
 I would have done you that way 6 months ago
 You see my life was simple
 all I wanted to do was supplement it with some kink
me: Yes?
So how is your life different now, sweet thing?
S: Well that was just an over simplistic happyness model
me: yup
S: Shouldn’t your son be in his room?
mine has started to comment on his morning wood
me:   OH MY GOD
S: and he has NO social skills
 of course not
me: lordy,   the boy makes me laugh
 he will make some girl very happy some day
 if he were older, I'd hook him up with my dau
 a hard man is good to find, S
Son is eating lunch.  He stayed home from school today
 because he was up all night doing physics homework
S: snork snork
me: it is a dreadful cycle
S: it’s all done with computers today dear
me: ha
 tell that to the teachers
S: Tell him if he can just make the unit conversions work he will usually get the right answer
me: okay
 now tell me....
 have you any desire to suck a ****?
S: yes dear
me: :)
S: not really
me: c'mon....for the woman you loved?
S: is that that what you offer me for advice, nurturing your lurid desires
 So, wifey agreed to do a 3sum
me: WHOA...WHAT?
S: but I have to find the girl
me:  seriously?!
S: yes
 will it be you in latex?
me: does she realize she's gonna get her *** kicked?
S: mmmm
I was thinking of something milder
me: if it's me, I'm gonna make her butt turn red
S: she really can’t take more than having her ******* sucked
me: You can **** her ***** - I get her *** with my *******
 at the same time.  sans lube.
 all the **** she's put you through...
S: sigh, that would be good
me: she is gonna be in pain
she will learn to please her master
 I'm gonna need a flogger
* begins shopping list *
S: no dear, don’t be silly
me: humph
 you never let me have any fun
S: we need to get a 25 year old student, take her shopping, dress her pretty, and massage her in oil while she is blindfolded
me: Ooh
that could be fun too
You are such a romantic
she can eat my *****
while you **** her brains out
S: so I’m going to _________ on T,W, Th
want to come along?
me: I wish I could
I am thinking of getting additional teaching certifications
it is time to sort out my financial independence, I think
S: To teach whom, the world is headed for chaos, the moon’s orbit is decaying, to what end
2 milllion years from now none of this will matter
me: I'd like to think my writing could sustain me...
 but I should have plan b in the meantime
S: So, I laid down the law
me:  oh, yeah?  what law?
S: she asked if D could stay at our place, downstairs
 I said no
 she pouted
 I said okay but you owe me a *********
me: She is nuts
 and you are even more nuts
 are you INSANE?
S: this is why I don’t like texting... want to have a beer at 5:00?
me: I can't, lovey
 but you DO tempt me
 know that
 and some day...
 I will
 that is a promise
S: so I have limited responses
1. No
2. just marry him
3. don’t **** or suck him
4. Since you are going to do it anyway you owe me a 3sum
That was how it went last night
I need help
you see I have a lifestyle to maintain, I can’t have these distractions or my work will come to screeching halt and my incompetent employees will need to fend for me
me: I think you don't give yourself enough credit
you do not have to choose door number four
 You can just say no
 it is your house
it is absurd for this man to move in there
S: yes, I was going for the short term pay off of a good night’s sleep
me: well, DON'T
 tell her you have thought it over...
 and it is not acceptable
 and you think the marriage is a joke
S: and she should marry him...
me: yes
Honestly, S...
isn't your bullshit detector running off the charts?
S: Shouldn’t your son be wanking in his room
me: he’s left the table to pursue that, I think.  which number should I call?
S: xxx-xxxx

We had a good conversation in which he told me more stuff and I raged and ranted.  He never gets upset, so I have to do it for him.  Very even keel, that man.  I think the decision component of his Myers-Briggs is weighted heavily toward T rather than F.  That’s thinking over feeling, in case you’ve forgotten.  Although I know he’s feeling.  But he’s got to restrain himself or he’ll wind up punching holes in the drywall with his fists.  So he talks to me to get some relief and lets me rave on his behalf.  

We were on the phone for a while and at the end, he summarized by saying “Okay, so I will just help him move in and enjoy a ********* with some student and wifey.”  I yelled “Nooooooooo!”  But I laughed too.

Then we chatted some more.

me: GAH!
S: Dang, I was looking forward to you in latex with a flogger
me: Liar
S: http://www.slutload.com/watch/DkZTlWcwoG8/Elite-Pain-The-Complaint.html
 watch and learn
me: Just remain calm and wish her well on her second marriage
S: Third.  First guy was a stoner
me: oh, right
S: the elite pain web site just has short clips, but you can find half hour or full movies.  watch the one I sent you
me: yes, dear
 how 'bout I wear this when we have tea?
S: no dear, I want you chaste with a doily collar looking proper.  It’s not easy for me and I don’t need to be looking at even more **** and ***
I'll wear this:  http://prettynaughtyannex.tumblr.com/post/29440350998
and I found something nice for your wife:  http://curvestokiss.tumblr.com/post/27471613903
S: I’m familiar with the *** hook
 I have never seen one up close
me: It's time, methinks
S: no, I can’t be distracted on perversions
me: what would you do ....
 if I showed up in _________...
 in your hotel room....
 looking like this?  http://curvestokiss.tumblr.com/post/27419764400
S: use my hall pass
 that’s a weird purple ****
 sort of thin
me: you'd feel it, nonetheless
 besides...I need to work you up to a monster ****
S: yes
I saw a horse **** strap on once
me: whinny


milkynips milkynips
46-50, F
1 Response Sep 15, 2012

She wants her lover to MOVE IN TO THEIR HOME??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This dude needs to get some control over his situation. I mean his kids live there for goodness sake. Wtf?

I feel sorry for him. He needs to man up and stop taking sh*t from his missus or she will keep walking all over him. Does he want to be cuckold? He does not seem to put up much of a fight.

This marriage is a shambles.
Sad, sad, sad...

Yep. Agreed. Completely.