Loving A Married Man
To Whom It May Concern:
Mine is a story told a thousand times before. I love a man who is married. He has been married for 20 years and has 3 children; aged 13 to 17. He is 49 and I am 43.
I have never posted anything but since becoming involved with Gerry, I have felt, on some level, that I am a woman who has just placed herself within a group of women who, at the least are hated beings. I have not found anything on this certain subject that says, "You have made the right choice,"or "What you are doing hurts no one else."
I had an overwhelming desire to find something on the internet, that would say that it was ok. I knew I wouldn't, of course, but recently became desperate to read or talk about what was happening to me and let me just say here, I NEVER, EVER had any intention to fall in love or be with a married man and I do mean EVER!
It gets even more complex for me because on June 20th, 2008, my husband of 18 years tells me our marriage is over and that he is in love with another. She is 29 years old and one of his employees. It gets better. This "TWIT" is also married and she tells my now ex husband, that she can't possible leave her husband because she loves him, so the "TWIT"is not only sleeping with her husband, she is sleeping with mine as well. Well, not my problem anymore as we are divorced.
In December, 2008, I met a man who in turn gave me his mobile number. When I first looked at this man, and he tried to talk to me, I felt absolutely stupid and backwards. I could barely speak and then when I did, what I said didn't make any sense.
I was still living in the marital home as the property settlement had not been finalised. All the time I stayed in our family home, my then husband was seeing the new love of his life. I will say nothing more other than it liked to have killed me going through that kind of pain from his betrayal, not to mention having to live in the same house while he was seeing her.
A week or more went by before I had the courage to call Gerry. I told him that I just couldn't see him. There were many reasons. One, I was so afraid of the way I felt about him. I didn't know him. We had barely spoken. Two, what the hell WAS I feeling and WHY??? Three, I had said so many times while I lay crying in my bed by the betrayl of my husband, I will never allow myself to be hurt by a man again. I will never, ever allow it.
I know all of this is long, but I haven't told anyone because of the shame I feel and I do feel it. I just have the need to tell my story in detail as there are so many little things that I hang on to.
Gerry told me from the first time I decided to meet him that he was married. He told me as well that he did NOT want a relationship. He said it was not about that for him.
I ended up leaving and moving into another house and in doing this, of course Gerry and I were together more. This is 5 months later in May. Gerry and I shared everything together. We didn't fight and were always laughing together. We cooked together, cleaned, went out but most of all we talked. It was wonderful and eventually, on July 17th, Gerry and I met at a beautiful resturant, where he told me he loved me for the first time. I was shocked becuase he I knew this was not something that he had wanted to happened.
Now, I have manged to read what excuses men will give to thier mistresses, if you like, and Gerry's excuses about why he won't leave do fall in with some of them. He can't stand the thought of not being with his boys in a family environment everyday. Gerry said his marriage was over years ago and admitted to having had one night stands since his marriage break down. Gerry has had his own bedroom for the past 8 years and has not had sex with his wife for as long. I did ask how exactly will his boys understand the concept of love if their parents aren't even sleeping in the same room? I know that there are people out there who might say that Gerry was only telling me that slept in another room and that he wasn't sleeping with his wife but I heard those words out of his wife's own mouth. She said this while having a phone conversation with Gerry and I could hear every word she said. How I hated her then! She didn't want him and I did and yet I couldn't have him!
So...this is the thing now that I come to regarding my situation. Here is where it will all sound familar. I love a married man. He won't leave because of the above explanation plus he admitted that it would take a lot of courage to leave which he said he doesn't have at this point in time. These are the reasons he said for courage: living in the same home for years, one that he has put extentions on, establisment, other peoples views on his decisions including his children.
I broke everything off a week ago. It was surreal. In loving this man, I wasn't able to call my exhusbands lover a "TWIT"any longer because look at what I had done. I had started to remember the agony of finding out about an affair. I had gotten to a stage where I found myself hating Gerry's wife and I had never even met the woman. I had starting wanting more and more time with Gerry and found myself crying when I wanted him around and knew he couldn't be. I found myself longing at night when I was in an empty bed just to have his arms around me and I absolutely hated the arranged time slots for us to meet.
Do you know the worse thing with all of this is that if he contacts me again, I just don't think I would have the strength to say no because I honestly love the man and I CAN NOT just stop. I'm not a teenager and know what a lasting relationship is all about and I know the hurt of betrayal and yet here I am.