In Love With A Married Woman And Friends With Her Husband.

I knew her first and was smitten the very first day we met during a weekly Monday morning meeting. It wasn't until later that I realized that I was attracted to her intellectually attracted to her. She is smarter than I am in so many ways. 

Then a few months later her husband came to work for the same company in the same office. Although I have very different political and moral philosophy than both of them, I'm conservative when it comes to economic issues and liberal when it comes to personal issues, in my opinion they are exact opposite. One day, while working with the husband out in the field we started discussing politics and income taxes. I mentioned a book called "Atlas Shrugged". He said he had had several people tell him that he should read that book. I told him that I had two copies and he was more than welcome to take one. I am not the type of person to force my beliefs on other people but I'm always looking for an opportunity to provide my philosophical ideas in a passive way. 

So he took the book and placed it on a shelf at his house. Although we still differed in politics and other areas we still became friends. He even got me addicted to hiking and we just recently hiked a section of the Appalachian Trail together.

However, about a year ago, she picked up the book Atlas Shrugged that I had lent him and which he still has not read. What was wierd was that I had thought of her as the main character in that book because of her will poiwer and her unwillingness to give up, especially when she was told it could not be done. The only reason I never fully connected her to the main character was that she was a liberal. Then...after she read the book...she told me that she felt she was...Dagny Taggert. 

I was in love with Dagny Taggert the character, long before this woman ever came into my life as a co-worker. So, I'm living in a cross world. Part fantasy which i have created in my mind, and part reality. It's tough.

Although I'm married also, I look forward to each time I get to see her at the office, which isn't often, or when we get to work together in the field, which is even less. There are times when I'm out in the field I actually have more communication with her through text messaging than I do with my wife with my nightly calls to her.

I have never expressed me feelings to her. I have expressed my concerns about the two of us being out of town together and what other people might be saying back at the office...the same office that her husband is working at. I even discussed the concerns with her husband. I am so afraid that even if I did not have feelings for her that just simple rumors might destroy her marriage. However, they both seem very nonchalant about the whole situation. Yet at the same time she has brought up the subject of, "can men and women be friends". Her opinion is that a man and woman can be friends and neither ever have romantic feelings for the other. I have to say I agree but I could not admit I have romantic feelings for her.

Recently she was working on a job out of town 40 miles away from a job I was working on. We decided to get together for dinner. Nothing happemed of course except we enjoyed each others company that night. Except...

...when i was driving back to my hotel 40 miles away she sent me a text telling me, "Thanks for having dinner with her and that it was great seeing me again". It had been a few weeks since we last saw each other. I replied back with the same sentiments plus telling her that she looked great in the boots she was wearing that night. Me sending her that comment scared me. I had never paid her a compliments on her looks before.

Much to my surprise, she replied back with a heart felt thank you and telling me that a complement from me meant a lot to her. How am I suppose to take this? Well, it doesn't really matter because I love her so much that I will not ever act ob my feelings for her. I will not destroy the life she has with her husband, who I consider a friend, or the two beautiful little girls they have.

I love her so much that I'll just be glad she considers me a friend and dream about what it would be like to hold her in my arms.

RaymondD RaymondD
41-45, M
22 Responses Feb 28, 2010

Hi Raimond, how are you? could you update me on what has happened between you, your colegue and her husband since the last time you posted in 2010? What about you and your wife? <br />
Thanks.<br />
<br />
Faithful

i feel u r attracted to this other women bcus of a lack whatever u may say but there seems to b a communication gap between u nd ur wife and tht gap is filled up by ur friend she stimulates u intellectualy nd emotionaly so u love her.

Becoming ever closer to her and her husband. Husband and I have been hiking a couple of times since I last posted and my relationship with his wife has never been a topic of discussion. He completely trusts her and me and I admire that soooo much. Don't quite understand how he does it except to think he truly trusts me as his friend not to betray him and the fact that he knows his wife never would to begin with. ...I love them both. I love him for not being jealous of the fact I love his wife and I love her...because she is her and makes me feel good about myself.<br />
<br />
Jules? How are you doing?

August 13, 2010<br />
<br />
I still love her. We've become some what distant and I think it may have something to do with my need to communicate with her some how/some way and the fact I make excuses to text/e-mail/call her.<br />
<br />
Although I keep it to a minimum and as much business as possible, I admit I look forward to every text, e-mail or phone call from her.<br />
<br />
But it remains professional on the job and we do try to get together when everyone's schedule allows for it on weekends. She, her husband, and myself are all busy with work in our office which overwhelming at the moment.<br />
<br />
I miss her. :-(

Hmmm, got an e-mail saying someone posted a comment on my story here but I do not see it/ Jules, if you're wondering, everything is great. Although we have not been able to spend much time together we are still close and her husband and I still have a great relationship both at work and out of the office.<br />
<br />
The worst it has gotten for me was I sent her an e-mail venting a lot of emotions about the choices I have to make soon in my life and that I really missed her. She replied back that she missed me too which meant so, so, so much to me. <br />
<br />
I'm truly surprised at myself in the fact that I'm willing to accept that we will only and always be friends...which is actually sooo much more important. ....isn't it?

You have no idea how happy I feel to hear all of this...You are amazing, because you acknowledged and then accepted your feelings - both good and bad.<br />
<br />
Then when you realised what you needed to do about it...You did...Communication is an amazing thing that I am not sure we use properly or enough sometimes...But look what words - when honest - can accomplish.<br />
<br />
You are truly a wonderful person...Sorry that the truth had to be a little painful for both you and your wife...But now that things are in the open...Rather than building up and simmering away underneath - You will always be successful in your marriage and in your entire life.<br />
<br />
Your friends both husband and wife...are truly wonderful people...Very mature and human...I have a great deal of respect for their integrity and their genuineness.<br />
<br />
I hope you take on board his suggestions to care for your self a little more...With your home life...Offering a little more love, tenderness and honesty - You guys can spend more time together and enjoy more wonderful and exciting experiences...Restaurants, walks, talks, picnics etc <br />
<br />
Good luck with your life each and every day...I wonder how many problems in the world could be solved if only honest and genuine communication could be the major tool used in each...Before the emotions reach boiling point!!!<br />
<br />
I read my Bible quite a lot...Don't condemn me for it....Religion has certainly need been a great friend to the Book....I nearly didn't bother to open it because of what I perceive much of religion to be...But anyway, finally I did...One favourite scripture is found in Proverbs 3: 5, 6. Its near the middle of it....(highlights the point that Love and Trust - Get you a lot further in life...)<br />
<br />
Thanks so much for being a truly wonderful friend...And fabulous example of human integrity and decency...Yours truly

Final update. Sat down with the husband and told him. Completely took him by surprise. It took a moment for it to sink in and for him to respond. At first he was a little shocked but went on to tell him that I never acted on it and I never will and that I understood that she could only offer me friendship. Told him that when she had told me that my friendship meant so much to her that she might as well had been saying, "I love you," to me even though I knew that was not what she meant...It's just I can't ever recall anyone ever saying that to me.<br />
<br />
He eventually said that what all this tells him is that he is a very lucky man and that he does not think any less of me. Then he went on to tell me some observations he has made about me, one of which is that I do not take care of myself. I work too many hours willingly and a few other things. We sat at the bar for another 4 hours talking about the situation and eventually other things. Mainly argued about politics but that's what I like about hanging out with him. Having a different opinion makes me think about how to develop my arguments and persuasions as well as open my mind to other ideas.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, the wife and I have had several conversations. Some were good, some were painful. Sometimes it was painful for her and others for me. Hardest part for her was me telling her that I would rather sleep alone in a hotel room than sleep alone in my own bed while my wife fell asleep on the couch in front of the t.v. every night because that made me even lonelier. (She's not a very nice person when you try to wake her up and it never resulted in her getting up and coming to bed when I tried).<br />
<br />
We're sleeping in the same bed again...you can figure out the rest. :-)

Well how about that....!!!<br />
<br />
I have so enjoyed the journey with you...Thanks for letting me share your experience. <br />
<br />
You are loved...always keep the lines of communication open from now and ever onward...<br />
<br />
No problem will ever be too big too handle when you share fears, concerns, joys, etc. <br />
<br />
Enjoy every moment of Saturdays...Make it count...<br />
<br />
Take care Raymond D - This has been a meaningful period for me...You had me worried a few times but wow what a way for this to end...<br />
<br />
Periodically drop in to my profile and give me an update hey!!!<br />
<br />
Jules

Jules!<br />
<br />
I just did get off the phone with my wife. I'm still out of town and alone in a hotel room.<br />
<br />
I can't believe what my wife just told me! She just informed me that she is going to tell her supervisor that she can no longer work Saturdays. The reason she said she was doing this was because that even when I am at home it's almost like I'm still not there because we don't get to see each other and she wants to be free on Saturdays to be able to spend as much time with me as she can.<br />
<br />
She went on to say she knows we have drifted apart lately and she misses me.<br />
<br />
...damn, my eyes are sweating again.

Hey - Amazing!!! You know what...I could almost have tears....Do you know why?<br />
<br />
Because...Secretly fighting your emotions would cause you to act on it....Or...Self destruct!!!<br />
<br />
You are too principled to out rightly act on it...But just imagine the damage that would have occured if you have just grabbed her passionately etc...<br />
<br />
But as it was you expressed genuine concern, honesty, guilt, fear and every other High Moral Principle that I know of!!!<br />
<br />
She and I admire the person you are! <br />
<br />
I am really really proud of you and I have total total peace of mind for you...Your friends will also honour, respect and also help - by not making the situation more difficult!!! <br />
<br />
You are so fortunate that your attraction (to an obviously extremely focused, loyal & genuuine person) had the maturity and the commonsense to work with you on this...<br />
<br />
This will be such a monumental time in your life....You had an emotional leaning and desire...You acknowledged logically the course that you wished to follow....You then accepted your difficulty with out ignoring the signs...You bravely, calmly, respectfully dignified your self and your friend...<br />
<br />
You will win this battle...Not necessarily easily...But you will have greater confidence in your self, in your values and in everything...To beat you heart into submission is not something many successfully accomplish...<br />
<br />
Thanks so much for sharing your journey with me on this...I wish I had been able to assist you more so...But I at least no your own personal self destruction...Will Not Happen Now!!! That was my fear... Mostly for you...<br />
<br />
Invest in you...Invest in your marriage....Perhaps a similar sharing of emotion with your wife about your loneliness and your need for warmth, love and physical affection sometimes (No need to mention this situation now) ...May help her realise how much the person she loves and honours may need too!!! <br />
<br />
Nothing is ever toooooo amazing to occur when honesty, loyalty & love are involved...<br />
<br />
Thanks again....<br />
<br />
Julie

Absolutely amazing.<br />
<br />
For the first time she could tell something was bothering me. She asked me a few times if I was alright and said that I seemed upset about something. Of course I played it off with a laugh and denied that there was anything wrong.<br />
<br />
The job didn't go well the first few days due to weather. She was not planning to stay the whole week, which most of the time she never does. However, when she realized she was not going to be able to go home when she thought she got emotional because her girls miss her when she is gone and the youngest is affected the most. What affects her girls affects her. She is a great mother. Her and her husband are great parents for that matter.<br />
<br />
This was the first time I had ever seen her visibly upset like this. I knew it was tough for her to be away from her girls but this was the first time I had ever seen how much so. It worried me. I was concerned for her emotional well being. It made me straighten up and fly right and be strong so I could be her sounding board and hopefully bring her spirits up.<br />
<br />
Then, I was driving back to the hotel to met up with her to calibrate our equipment and I remember thinking, "I've said many times that I am glad I never had children when what I was really saying was I'm glad I never had children with anyone I've ever been in a relationship with."<br />
<br />
Deep down I have always wanted children but knew I could not agree on how to bring them up with my first wife. So, we never had any. With my current wife it is completely out of the question due to medical reasons so it has been a non-issue.<br />
<br />
About the time all this was going through my mind, my sister called to tell me I have another nephew or niece on the way! Of course I was excited for her and expressed my congratulations. Then hung up with her and almost started to cry.<br />
<br />
Fast forward to dinner. Our other co-worker was too tired to join us for dinner so it was just the two of us. We started talking about her girls again and she started telling me her youngest daughters routine every morning. It was so sweet, yet sad, the way she explained how when the youngest wakes up in the morning she goes and finds her and just wants to be hugged by her for 5 minutes or so first thing in the morning and wants nothing else. Then she went on to explain that when she is not there how she goes and searches each room of the house looking for her every morning. Her eyes got a little wet and it was everything I could do to hold back my own tears.<br />
<br />
Then we had to go back to the hotel and calibrate our equipment that we didn't do earlier because we were both hungry and decided to go eat first. We did our calibrations and began to chit chat as I was about to leave for my room. I can't even remember what happen or why it happened.<br />
<br />
I just started crying. I was fine one second, smiling standing at the door with my hand on the handle about to leave and then the next I was sobbing uncontrollably. Of course she was concerned and asked me if I was okay. I managed to whisper, "No. ...but I will be."<br />
<br />
After I calmed down I confessed and cried some more. I told her that I was in love with her and that although this was the case that I had never acted on it and would never act on it in the future but I just couldn't hold it in any more. I told her how guilty I felt, how ashamed I was. How I felt like I had betrayed her and her husband's trust...my wife's trust. How I know these feelings are wrong and that I should not have them. How I would understand if she didn't want to work with me anymore.<br />
<br />
Then she told me how this has happened to her before. I knew this but feel the two situations are different but she told me the story again anyway and how this other guy and her husband are still friends and how her husband can't blame this other guy for falling in love with her. And she explained that we can still be friends and how honored she was but that I was to understand that no one would ever take the place of her husband.<br />
<br />
We talked quite a bit that night and some more the next night. I had told her that my greatest fear had been that she would find out and how it had been eating away at me and that I never wanted her to ever know. She disagreed and said that I wanted her to know. Perhaps I did but I presented my case that whether it was true or not I did have a fear of her knowing and now that I had told her I don't have to be afraid any more and that I felt better now. She accepted that.<br />
<br />
The only bad thing at first about all this was that I told her that I did not want to go and confess all this to her husband but I would not ask her to keep secrets from him. However, if she truly felt he needed to know, to tell me and let me go and tell him. She was silent for a moment and told me she would think about it. She didn't have to think about it long because the next morning I told her I had changed my mind and that the first chance I had I was going to talk to him. This pleased her.<br />
<br />
Last night when we talked it was a lot more productive. Only got a little teary eyed once for just a moment. She hugged me and told me she loved me too and we both laid out some ground rules. I laid some out for myself and she gave me a few others. Her terms were acceptable...like I had a choice!<br />
<br />
I apologized again for dropping a bomb on her like this with her already being upset about missing her girls. She said not to worry about it because it actually took her mind away from it for a while. Not sure I believe that. End result though is that I believe we've become closer. Nothing will ever happened between us physically and that was not what I was ever looking for anyway.<br />
<br />
Okay, enough rambling. Need to get back to the way things were, or as close as they use to be and appreciate the fact I still have a dear friend!

Yeah I know...Wish I could have helped you before you got sooooo hooked. There is no easy way...

This is tougher than I thought. ...of course. :(

It sounds as though you have it all figured out. Please vent feelings any time it is ever necessary...Better out than in...<br />
<br />
I am extremely excited to hear of your wonderful wedding anniversary...It is easier to find some one that we can be attracted to - it is - much harder to find someone that will always be there for us.<br />
<br />
Well enjoy your week...Not too much!! <br />
<br />
I would have been very surprised if you had agreed to discuss this with your wife...I would be terrified at the prospect also...But I thought it may help you guys to understand each other...Your needs, loneliness etc. <br />
<br />
Well enjoy your science, enjoy the challenges ahead...But please always keep in mind...That Never can be a huge word to accomplish. And can break a person in two! Just guard your sanity, your health and your heart!!!<br />
<br />
Nice to have met you...I respect your motive, goals, loyalty. <br />
<br />
I hope it all works out as you purpose. Great thinking with the 3rd person and motel rooms spread out....<br />
<br />
Goodbye, goodluck. and thanks for sharing

Jules,<br />
<br />
You will be happy to know that my wife and I just celebrated our 4th Anniversary and I wrote her some poetry in a nice card, brought her flowers and took her to her favorite restaurant. I tell her I love her everyday and when she calls I always answer, "Hey beautiful."<br />
<br />
I do not foresee in my future that my wife and I will ever be splitting up. However, it's apparent that I'm going to have to get use to the fact that we've ended up in separate bedrooms and she is not going to want to talk about the type of work I do because of the scientific nature and that it's just over her head and I'm not interested in talking about reality t.v. shows like "Daisy of Love" or the other half dozen she likes to watch. <br />
<br />
...and she's going to have to get use to the 60+ work weeks with the company I work for and the other time I have to spend helping my business partner keep the side business going. Her biggest complaint with me is that I'm never home even when I am.<br />
<br />
We've been talking and we're doing fine. Could be better but I'm in no fear of losing my marriage. I will never admit too her that I have ever been attracted to someone else though. This is the one thing that I disagree with you on. If I did she would know exactly who it was and that would make things very difficult all the way around. I suspect that she already thinks that but sometimes it's best not to speak it and just leave it alone.<br />
<br />
Personally, I think jealousy is the most stupid emotion we can have. In my fantasy world a person can be in love with more than one person and no one gets jealous of the other. I'm not talking about polygamy, (polygyny: one man, many wives or polyandry: one woman, many husbands) but just being able to accept the fact that we all are going to be attracted to more than just one person for different reasons.<br />
<br />
I love my wife because she has always been there for me even way before we were ever married. We knew each other for 21 years before we ever got married. I love my wife for the things she does for me. Best way I know how to describe her would be a June Cleaver with a wicked sense of humor that I can be myself around. We do have fun together. In her defense though I refer to a common joke I have heard. "When two people get married they are suppose to put a bean in a jar for every time they make love for the first year of marriage. After the first year the goal is to take all the beans out of the jar by removing one each time they make love again. The jar will never be emptied."<br />
<br />
Now, the other woman? I'm attracted to her because I'm always learning something from her. She is interested in the same type of work and we both enjoy the work. When we work together in the field we don't even have to talk to each other about what should be done next because we both know what the other one is going to do next and anticipate what the other is going to need done to make the job go smoothly. She claims she learns a lot from me also from the field experience I have that she doesn't. We enjoy each other's company...and she is beautiful. She surprised me by falling in love with my all time favorite book and identified herself as the same character I had identified her as secretly. In other words, we think a like much more than I thought we did which pushed my attraction for her over the top and has brought me to where I am at now.<br />
<br />
...it's all in a fantasy land located between my ears but in that fantasy land I have my cake and eat it too. I have my beautiful wife who I love dearly, and I have my two friends, both that I have love for, just one is different than the other. Kind of like a parent with children. The parent loves them all equally but in different ways. In my case, 3 people, 3 different but equal amounts.<br />
<br />
Back to reality! We'll be out of town together next week. There will be a third company employee with us. I've arranged it so that her hotel room is on a different floor and mine and the other persons are next to each others. It's going to be a long hard week of 12-14 hour days and yes, I'm going to enjoy every minute of it because we get to work together and that's all. I'm not going to feel guilty because I know nothing will ever happen. I won't try and if I did I know she would resist and I'd lose her and her husbands friendship. I'll take the friendship.<br />
<br />
Sorry to ramble on. I'm done now. And I mean I'm over all this now. I have a loving wife. Although we both may not express our love for each other like we use to, I know she loves me and I love her. I have a beautiful friend that I'm attracted to for her mind and spirit and have been honored to get to work along side with. I am truly blessed and have no complaints about what the situation is. It's better than I could imagine and can't even believe I would have wanted more. How selfish of me.<br />
<br />
Thanks for letting me vent Jules. Best wishes. :-)

yeah knowing is one thing...Gosh...I know the difficulty in knowing and stopping though. I do not envy your predicament. <br />
<br />
When we feel alone and then experience an attraction for someone...everything gravitates to the attraction and we some how tend to view the attraction as the answer to absolutely everything in life..<br />
<br />
When in fact the reality is that the person you are attracted to is the not the solution and the answer to everything in life...<br />
<br />
But reconvincing yourself of that is one gigantic battle hey.<br />
<br />
Look I could clearly see you are a really great guy...You have fought long and hard...Which I admire like you wouldn't believe. <br />
<br />
The reason that I stated from the beginning OH NO NO NO...was because I had hoped you hadn't got to the point that you are at...<br />
<br />
I gave you a brief run down on my experience...I didn't give you all of it...because I was determined to not go with my feelings and allow my brain to control my heart...I was hoping it would serve as a protection for you <br />
<br />
If you really want to beat this and you can control every ounce of fear you have inside you...<br />
and...your marriage is worth saving...<br />
<br />
You could open up to your wife...NO NO I am not mad....and just explain your loneliness and that is making you feel vulnerable...You have found yourself attracted to someone...and you don't wish to be and I really want my marriage to work and do not know where to go with this...<br />
<br />
YOU can bet she will give it to you...But when she calms down she will respect your honesty...<br />
<br />
That is a terrifying option...But that is the only way you will beat it...If you do not want to transfer your job...etc. Even if you did transfer your job...someone else would likely attract you...because you are human and feel totally alone...The same thing would once again occur...<br />
<br />
Hit the nail on the head...with the reality that your marriage is in a little trouble...It really is...and even though it is in trouble and you feel so alone...You didn't take advantage of your attraction and act on it but continutally fought the desire...I do admire your loyalty and totally respect your attitude and I wish you soo sooo much success. <br />
<br />
I do know with all of my heart...that until you do discuss the dangerous situation of your marriage you remain totally in the emotional, physical, sexual firing line....You can only hold up under it so long...If you don't break - it will break you by causing you depression or something...I know because I ended up suffering serious depression and that destroys your whole person....not just a marriage...<br />
<br />
Good luck...You can email me directly in my profile...if ever you wish to...<br />
<br />
Your wife is lucky...

Wrote this almost 3 months ago:<br />
<br />
Alone in a hotel room,<br />
Loneliness knocks at the door,<br />
I will not answer,<br />
I must not think of her anymore,<br />
<br />
Alone in a hotel room,<br />
I can not sleep,<br />
Loneliness is knocking,<br />
I begin to weep,<br />
<br />
Alone in a hotel room,<br />
Read kind words she had to say,<br />
Loneliness is knocking,<br />
But I'll smile again some day,<br />
<br />
Alone in a hotel room,<br />
Loneliness keeps knocking...<br />
<br />
So I've known for some time now I have to stop thinking about her and it's getting better. :)

Yeah...I know...Only because I have experienced the inner conflict of dreaming....&...trying to fight the dream in reality...<br />
<br />
I intensified the battle a thousand times over by my imagination...seeing only what I wanted to see...the way I wanted to see it...<br />
<br />
Fighting the dream...Is better than fighting through the nightmare - if the dream became a reality and you had to somehow fight through, the shame, the guilt, the heartbreak...<br />
<br />
Battle on mate...I know while ever you battle on...It won't get you...You are a pretty good guy....<br />
<br />
Thanks for sharing...Use your imagination...But use it powerfully...Imagine the passion etc you can build into your existing marriage...(Gosh!!! I don't want to know!!!) Good luck

Hey! Wasn't offended at all. In fact if I take any experience away from your posts it is that I should try not to even think about the emotions I have. And I agree. Eaisier said than done but you are spot on for about 90% of this.<br />
<br />
Thanks.

I empathize with your situation and I applaud the honesty, and the way you have dignified your wife. She is very lucky to have you.<br />
<br />
I was simply trying to make the point that thoughts precede action. Work on controlling the thinking side of things and you greatly improve your chances of coping more successfully in a situation that may present itself at some point. <br />
<br />
I was not trying to speak negatively of your friends....I am glad they have a good relationship but sometimes...You can feel so secure in a relationship that you fail to work on keeping it strong...It is easy to take a strong relationship for granted...If that happens the fall can be incredibly great and totally unexpected. <br />
<br />
It is much healthier to vent emotions than continue to allow them to build up and explode on you...I jumped on it...Because I was hoping my experience would spare you much heartache. <br />
<br />
The words I will Never do this...Sometimes end up being I never thought that would happen...<br />
<br />
You vent your emotions constantly...and when ever...that is a good thing...I apologize if you think I over reacted...Again just trying to share something that may spare you much pain...<br />
<br />
***You know what? My husband snores so badly....I have to use earplugs sometimes...<br />
<br />
But I cannot bear the thought of not feeling our bodies touch...So the ear plug option works well for us...<br />
<br />
Any chance you could enjoy intimate times prior to going to bed. Gosh...it is sometimes more exciting than just going through the motions...Marriage dies when no intimacy exists. <br />
<br />
Find other ways to keep it in your marriage...Otherwise both of you become vulnerable to the opposite sex issues. <br />
<br />
Use your immagination...There are ways to get around your situation - although not pleasant.<br />
<br />
That loneliness feeling is terrible...But if you can create intimate moments and times together - you may in fact lessen it a little. But do do something - !!!<br />
<br />
It is great that you recognize the infatuation aspect - Infatuation burns hot big time and cools off just as fast in real life. Love should stay comfortably warm continually. <br />
<br />
I wish you well. I really do.. I totally respect you for your honesty etc. <br />
<br />
Be a cool man of action - Blow your wifes mind with building intimacy...And as regard to stimulating conversation...If it is not your wifes ability to converse about the particular topics that interest you...Reverse the situation and ask questions about what interests her...!!! She may be even more stimulating - Just on a different subject.<br />
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Never Give up trying, Never give up experimenting - Never give up!!! Your a good guy...

Perhaps I should clear some things up. Although they are liberal in their political beliefs, they are very conservative in their personal lives. Neither would ever have an affair. At least that is the impression I get.<br />
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I will never act on my emotions. I just needed to let them out some how, some way.<br />
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In regards to my wife, I will not tear her down here or in front of anyone for that matter, I know she loves me and I do love her. However, after 4 years of marriage with the past year and a half of not even sleeping in the same bed together, apparently I snore but didn't the first 2 and a half years, I can be just as lonely at home as I am when I'm out of town in a hotel room.<br />
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Even though I miss the love making with my wife, it's the meaningful, intellectual conversations that I also seek. It's just something I don't think my wife can provide and even if everything was perfect between us in the bedroom, I'd still be smitten with my co-worker.<br />
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I say it's love but I know deep down it's just infatuation. My emotions will calm down 6 months to a year from now and perhaps I will actually be able to tell her that I love her as a friend would and tell her how important our friendship is to me...but probably not. Just to awkward.<br />
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No chance of us staying away from each other. One of us would have to leave the company and that's not happening any time soon. Plus we make too good of a team together which is another reason I will not let this go any further than what I type here.

NO NO NO...Don't Dream....<br />
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I have experienced a similar situation at one point....Actually my husband at the time...Had decided to end our marriage...But thought that setting me up to have an affair would be better than him walking out on me and our two small kids. "Noble Hey!"<br />
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We knew a man that we both got a long with and was just charming - He decided to hire him ...(He would be constantly coming and going from our home every day doing his work... it felt soooo nice...In every way...to be treated decently, respectfully & appreciatively...<br />
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(You don't get much of those sorts of emotions given to you when your husband is trying to look for justification to leave!!!)<br />
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We had a great time as a whole family when ever he was around...<br />
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My then husband decided to send us out on certain job assignments together - more and more often...Our fondness & respect for each other began to grow...As did the attraction between us both...<br />
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He was a good guy and didn't try to take advantage of the situation and I was determined to do what ever was possible to save my marriage...In the end - my husband became my ex husband...And could never blame an affair for the break up...<br />
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This had gone on for a year - I was finally a single mum with two children...He (the Friend) wanted to pack up my belongings and move to another location and care for me and my children...<br />
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It felt so tempting...It felt so right...It felt so Great!!!!<br />
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BUT!! I had my kids to think of - I had my own healing - I had growing & learning to do - I had responsibilities - and - I had too much respect for myself and this guy to throw to make such an important decision in such a vulnerable fr<x>ame of mind...I saw things clearly - Not - necessarily easily or painlessly!<br />
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I explained that I would never abuse his care by jumping into a quick relationship because it felt good & seemed the easiest option - whilst I knew I had a lot of things to sort through in my own heart, mind and home...<br />
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I expressed that it would be easier if we didn't see each other for a while and have another think about it all down the track - if it felt right for both of us...<br />
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When I had made up my mind...I experienced the confusion, the temptation, & sexual frustration of day dreaming about him, his love, his attention, his affection, etc <br />
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IT WAS NOT HELPING me to deal with my situation...But just weakening my resolve, <br />
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Eventually I would see the danger of allowing my mind to feel the beauty of what my imagination had built up...<br />
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I through myself into helping my children as best as I could... In my own personal development, in healing, in letting go, of loss, grief, and dealing with resentment...<br />
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You think a lot of this woman...May I suggest that you consider trying to develop a stronger respect, appreciation, love and commitment to your own wife. <br />
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If you have children...Throw your energies into them and building a safe and secure family environment...<br />
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A physical attraction, an intellectual attraction or any form of attraction is only part of a relationship, commitment, effort, loyalty & respect are qualities you want to keep in the forefront of your mind<br />
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Your friends may be liberal because perhaps their view of marriage and commitment may not be as powerful as it should be! I do not know...<br />
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Keep your distance if you are smart...Don't think you can mix the two emotions...You can't! It will kill you...& it will destroy relationships even if nothing ever comes of it...<br />
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Work on what you have...Reexamine why your own relationship may have cooled somewhat and stoke it up again...<br />
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Any fire will die out...If we forget to look after it...! <br />
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I wish you well - Just sharing an experience that I am greatful to have made and fortunately my early realisation that it is impossible... to pursue one goal whilst dreaming of another....