The Man I Still Love

This is the most painful, exhausting, heartbreaking thing I have ever experienced. I married him 3 years ago, knowing that he had a problem. But, "our love was strong enough that we could get through it together." What a joke. I look back on how ignorant I was and it makes me sad. I really believed that and now I'm so jaded. I love my husband more than life. I would die for him, and when he isn't drinking, he would for me. But when he drinks, he is not the man I married and I hate the man he's become. I've never dealt with anything like this in my life. I've never had friends or family with a problem. I just need someone to talk to. Someone who knows what I'm going through. I'm lonely because I keep this from everyone I love. I can't have them thinking bad things about my sweetheart. He is the one who everyone loves. He is charming, and kind and outgoing. When he isn't drinking. When he is, I isolate us from people because he is mouthy and verybally abusive. I would die if anyone I knew or loved ever saw him like that, so I take the brunt of it alone. I just need a friend.
shelleybelly shelleybelly
31-35, F
13 Responses May 25, 2007

I feel for you, I understand all your going threw, but hear me out, everybody doesn't think about what alcohol truly does to your brain, not only this part your going threw but if he doesn't stop just think about what hes gonna be when he gets older, my father in law started at a young age he is now 80 and has lost hes mind from drinking all his life some days he don't know who he is or what day it is, goes on walks and cant find his way home my mother in law says to me he isn't the man I married and just cries they been married over 50 years and she finds herself holding his hand to the bathroom at nite its really sad I hope you get what im saying maybe there is some help out there you can get before its to late, good luck

Love is strong and beautiful

Oh, I know what you mean. I don't "know" who my man is when he is drinking and I would do anything for him and he for me...when he isn't drinking. I realized that I can't make that decision for him....but I can love him and support him in other ways. It gets overwhelming...doesn't it? Like a roller coaster some days. You are not alone....you're a strong woman....we're here to support each other.

Hello all of you,seems we went through similar situations..and I can say all of you are so strong!I know how hard is that ...I went through relationship with my expartner where he was 2 persons in one body..yes I hate alcohol because I have to decide to leave somebody who I still so love!We went through domestic violence then and I know without alcohol that was never going to happen..I'm without my exboyfriend nearly two years and I'm trying continue with my own life..I know where is love to alcohol there is no real speace for other love...I'm so sorry to say that but that's how it is..I'm still in contact with my expartner and I will always be here for him to support if he will want to stop what putting him to the hell..but I'm not sure is he gonna leave that thing what destroying everything around..I have a new relationship but I know my heart is with somebody else what I can't be with because of that **** alcohol!..I tried be without contact with my expartner but I too care about him that I can't be totally without knowing he is alright..this is one from the hardest situations in our lifes but everybody has own choice and truly can say when it's alcohol winner nothing going to be better!I pray for all of you who is going to fight with close person to stop what killing them.,I tried too but didn't help and now I have to learn how to live without that person what I know was "that life person":(..Daniela 31 yrs old)

Hi everyone, I understand first hand what every one of you have said. Anyway, this is the situation. My husband is a beautiful, loving, kindhearted man whom I've been married to for 20 plus years. When our last child graduated from HS, I finally got a really good job, after years of taking jobs that would just help our family out. I had been a career woman before I married but didn't want to invest that much time into a career, during the season that my children were small, because being a mom & wife was my first priority.Choosing to live in the marriage, these are the things that came with it: I have lived with the hundreds of broken promises; the lies; the many lost jobs; the affair with the other woman; the loss of his reputation, the shame, the cycles he went through of isolation, intervention, rehab, sobriety, isolation, intervention, rehab, sobriety. We've done at least 6 rehabs, but we've done this cycle more than that.. I even sold everything & moved with him to help him when he went on staff at a rehab; thinking this was God's plan. Everyone who loved me & knew me well, looked on skeptically, tried to gently talk me out of it, or they felt sorry for me. It turned out to be a cult under the leader of a very dangerous man. We escaped with our lives intact, but our hearts hurting at the deception of it all. He, of course, went back to drinking as we had no home, we lived with his mother. Due to not being able to find work, we moved back to the state we had come from. This is when his drinking accelerated and he took a job working out of town a lot. He quickly ran a credit card up to $10K. He lost the job but I was flourishing in my job, being promoted and making more $$ than we'd ever made before. As I did better, he did worse. He saw it as an excuse not to find a job; not to get up or out in the mornings. I worked 50 plus hours a week as I dreaded going home to find him either passed out, or sneaking around moving from room to room to try and hide his drinking; or having to hide my purse & our valuables to keep them from being stolen or sold. We tried counseling, but we finally got to the place where the counselor said, " Your marriage is a good marriage, except the drinking is ruining it. I won't be able to help you guys anymore until he commits to a program to quit drinking." He did not, and began withdrawing $$ from our lines of credit; then stealing checks; then opening up secretive credit cards in his name without me knowing about them. Once I changed all of our accounts so that he could not get access to them, he began with the opening up cc accounts. I separated from him, asking him to move out; which he did. He finally hit bottom after about a year and a half. I still saw him, rarely, when he was sober. Then he left the state & went into rehab for a year. Now he is out again, living again with his mother in another state. He says he is working on becoming financially credible so that he can get his family back, but I suspect he is drinking again. I don't know why I don't file for a divorce. .Sometimes I think I am just plain stupid, but other times, I think, I am trying to honor God & keep from divorce, but the reality of it, is that maybe I'm just trying to have it both ways;maybe I'm just afraid to move on with my life because this is what I'm accustomed to; maybe I'm afraid God will be angry with me for breaking my vows that I made in front of him; maybe I'm afraid of making the same mistake again with another man; maybe I'm afraid I won't find anyone I love more than him and I'll die all alone; maybe I'm just grasping at straws, trying to hold onto the last bits of our marriage, talking on the phone now & then with him. Is this a sick way to live? Talk about detachment. I detached and separated, hoping this would be enough to make him wake up, but it didn't. The detachment has lasted 3 years. I ask myself, would he be dead by now if I hadn't separated from him? Would any sane person let a crazy man run their financial house into the ground? I drew my boundary lines with him, He stepped over them; so I separated & now I don't know what to do. I hate being single, but married. He won't come back here because he says here everyone knows him as a drunk. He thinks if he stays there, everyone there respects him as he's been sober since he was in rehab for a year there & is active in the church there. I m thinking that i want to file for a divorce; that I want to go & see him & look into his eyes; to find out if he's committed to living sober or if he's just playing the game again to see how long he can get these unsuspecting folks to enable him. I hate being the snoopy police to try & find out if he's drinking again, it seems this is my role in life if I am to be with him, and I hate who I become and how I never know if this is a time where he can be trusted with my purse left in the room, or if this is the time he will steal my cc and smile at me the whole time. I have been told that he is jealous of my success and he wants the same thing, so I wonder if he really loves me at all. I thank you for letting me vent. My heart goes out to you all. I can only say, if you're not yet married to the alcoholic, please don't do this to yourself or your future, because to love an alcoholic, is to put yourself in harms way. I promise if you are reading this post, that if you choose to marry the alcoholic, you will remember this post and wonder why you didn't say "NO" to a life of HELL. Choose life, while you still can.

Hi, me again. I've been seeing my man for the past 15 months and I love him dearly but he's an alcoholic who believes he has time to choose professional help at a later date. He's my one and only soul mate and I already know that no-one will ever be able to replace him if I leave the realtionship. I don't understand the dynamics of why he can't give up alcohol when he already has seen it has cost him his business, his wife and home. He knows that if he doesn't stop drinking that he will lose me too but seems to be waiting for the day which seems quite insulting to me. I'm so mixed up I have no idea how to move forward and to bring him alongwith me. Please can anyone offer advise?

I am going round in circles trying to find a solution to support my alcoholic soul-mate but I'm new to this site and keep getting stuck on 'send'<br />
If this one works I'll send another<br />
thank you for your patience

I have dated a man for 5 years and we split up and go back ...i see now its a bad disease,and all they do is blame you ......get out thats what i just did. I learned they will always have two personalities,mine didnt get violent but just plain nasty, from nice....i was warned,oh well, i never dated a drinker now if i find out a man drinks ....Im a goner........

I go through very similar situations with my husband. I will admit my husband is the "best" drunk I've ever had to deal with. He's not abusive, but he makes very poor choices when drinking. <br />
It's hard bearing the burden of an alcoholic spouse, especially when you have no one to talk to. That's where I am. <br />
It's hard to love him, but so much harder NOT to love him. Have you suggested to your husband that he seek guidance?

I can so relate to your story as I'm sure many can. I am a single mother of 3 and fell in love with my childhood best friend when we reunited last fall. He hid his drinking but i knew it wasn't "him". I am a substance abuse counselor and it frustrates me to have been so manipulated. Everyone talks about how they wish their man could be the man he is without drinking and having known him I know he can be decent if he commits to sobriety. Last week we had a rough bout and he snuck drinks. The night ended with him being arrested for assault and battery, intimidation, OUI, larceny for stealing my medications and drug possession and a 1 year protection order. I can't believe the monster he became and what he has left me with....court dates, social services investigations, constant police contact. I love him but not that part of him and will never let my children be around someone like that. As much as I cry and miss him there is a sence of relief with the calm...no jealousy fights, questions about everything I do, name calling, snooping....eggshells....The toughest decision is usually the right one. If I didn't follow my gut and press charges I know I would be right back in the mental and now physical misery. My heart aches and he was childhood dream come true but inside I'm also glad that my prince was in the papers not myself and children as a night news horror story. If you ever need to talk don't hesitate to emal me. I'm in the same boat as everyone and our boat is being rocked by someone's selfish behavior. Let's grab our life jackets....

i'm supposed to be getting married next year to my alcoholic fiancee. I don't know what to do iether so i know how you feel. he's the most loving caring sweethart when he's sober, but once he's had a drink he turns into this person who i don't know and it disgusts me. I don't want to marry an alcoholic but I dont want to lose him iether. everything is a complete mess.

I understand everything you are going through. My husband drinks nightly and falls asleep on our couch. We live in a small town and he is a cop. I am a buisness owner. I am afraid to turn to someone or attend classes due to the small town BS. The only difference is, I can no longer refer to him in an intimate way (sweetie) I am furious that he has done this to our family. I wish I could offer advice. I can't. I can offer an ear, and a place to vent.

aw honey...i feel for you. i am trying hard to not go down the road of enabling my sweetie, but it is so difficult! are you in a support group/ Al Anon? Even just going and listening to other people tell their stories can be helpful.