I know myself even better than Jesus does. I stole from churches. I owe God money.
There was a girl with no gag reflex in a summer with no idea. Stealing to buy drugs with Kate,
who needed her smoke more than the pope needed another painting in the Vatican. Days in the warehouse waiting. Katie and the baby and Katie.
On my lunch break alone, us just wanting to be alone,her nature versus nurture, she was wild, she was like a berserk fairy...breath sweetened with nicotine tar and tension, tension and touching behind backs, whispers in the house, excuses for the dark hands, for flesh and the most realest despair in the wide, wide universe. Her parents were always home,but never around. Like her living accidental baby daddy, his name was Adrian. He used to stab himself in the leg with darts for attention. I used to watch it all go down and want her. I used to try to feed the baby and calm down. I was 18, she was 17. I was into drugs, she was in love. It was all, all about me, as always.
She heard my first poem. All summer we went to cemeteries to smoke. That's where I learned to open the box in my throat and sang the blues all over, but mostly in cemeteries. All life lived in me, I brought it to Katie and Katie brought life at 17. 17, she loved ice coffee,she loved me, she loved her daughter, she loved her stories, she loved everything and wanted only to love for me to write in a journal... and why is that when I wanted girls to inspire themselves and come alive and write their fire into books, and bleed this for themselves and be here like " i got it, see, its not hard, you can do it, you should do it more. Did you? yes, good", why is that they never did?until i kissed them. and then they would write shi* about me,which is not what i wanted,but was fun and suddenly fed me. so i forgot where i was, which was in the pages, getting tattooed down.
waiting to be turned over... making the mistake. Feeling her in the dark. The shock of her smell, the strength of her hold, like girls forget how to do when they get older.17 she had a grip like her baby. was she 13 or 14? when one of the Falco brothers laced a joint with pcp. Her and her cousin. Katie couldn't move while he raped her. Her cousin couldn't move while she watched. ..
For god-sake. For the love of all time. In this life and the next. From heaven and hell, by any power that exists. By every force of compulsion in the universe, GOD.
PHUCK THE FALCO BROTHERS! GOD! HATE THEM! DESTROY THEM BEFORE ANYTHING, LIKE JUSTICE COULD NEVER EXIST! THE MOTHER PHUCKERS THAT GAVE ME MY FIRST PUNCH IN THE FACE! WHO LAID LIKE THE JACKALS OF CHAOS! OVER THE BEDS OF EVERYTHING THAT IS GOOD. THIS IS A HUMAN CANCER!, LIVING IN THE SHADOWS OF A GHOST TOWN. DEMANDING INNOCENCE OFF OF PEOPLE LIKE LUNCH MONEY. LATER, RAPED IT OFF THEM!, TOOK OFF THEM!, ******** IT OFF THEM!, STOLE IT OFF THEM MULTIPLIED AND THRIVED UNTIL AN ENTIRE GENERATION OF GIRLS WAS GONE! GONE! GONE INTO THE PATHS IN THE WOODS. GONE INTO WHATEVER TRAILER HELD THE GRAND NIGHTMARE OF LIFE THAT NIGHT. JESUS CHRIST! ,PRIMAL SCREAM FOR ME. LIKE AN OPEN WOUND, BLACK MUD, RUSTED IRON GUNS, GRIDING GEARS FOR TEETH IN MY DREAMS! HANDS, DEATH IS THE MONSTER OF TIME, HEAVY FISTED, THE ALCOHOLIC, DEATH GOD, BLOATED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY FATHER, STILL HOLDING HIM IN HIS JAWS. GRINNING, A FALCO, WHEN ALL THE BODIES ARE IN HIS BASEMENT. MURDER, MURDER! SO MANY GIRLS, WHERE THE PHUCK WERE THE PARENTS? WAS EVERYONE ASHAMED? THE KIDS, THE KIDS! THE KIDS ALL AROUND ME GETTING LAID TO WASTE. JENNY LIVED IN LONELINESS IN HER MOTHERS NEST. THOMAS QUIT SCHOOL WHEN HE REALIZED HE HAD CANCER. JOHN LOST TO SOME IDIOT CHURCH. SEAN PAUL TO LEUKEMIA. DOMINIQUE PULLED AWAY FROM US BY DIVORCED MONEY AND CONTENT. MIKE CORNEL, MIKE CORNEL, MY BEST FRIEND, MIKE CORNEL ,TO PILLS, MIKE CORNEL, WITH NO EXCUSE, THE PILLS! THE PILLS! THE PILLS! THE DEAD MUSICIANS, THE DEAD HANDS. BIG BROTHER, AS SERIOUS "PHUCK YOU" FROM THE SKY. THE INEVITABILITY AND THE SIMPLE SURENESS THAT LIFE DIDN'T'T WANT YOU, WILL BREAK YOU SOON. IT WAS TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO EVEN TRY.MIKE CORNEL, A PERFECT, AN INEXPLICABLE, AN ETERNAL FAILURE...
...Who lives to this day. I've seen him this year. I know that Katie lives too,. I know that Rena lives with her. I pray that Adrian is gone and that Rena was never old enough to remember him. I know that Rena was never old enough to remember me, I hope she's seen a picture of me holding her. I have a picture of her in my wallet. Last month, for a couple of weeks, I forgot the name of the baby in my wallet . The baby's name is Rena. I know that i will love them both until i die... I went back to college and dropped out, Katie went back to figuring this thing out, but was missing me. I forgot to miss her for a while. Now things are slower. I know that Katie doesn't phuck with drugs anymore. I know i mostly don't either. I'm sorry for everything, but also, not at all. I hope all things for them, Kate...Rena...