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10 Things That Not Even Bacon Can Make Better

In the Age of Bacon, bacon cannot be stopped. Every human being said “Bacon makes everything better” at least 11 times in the past week alone. Vegans can’t disagree, as a quick search for “vegan bacon” on Google will reveal. Bacon is an essential ingredient in the making of “Footloose” -- and if the remake doesn’t have Bacon, it will fail.

(And since we’re on the subject: As successful as he is, Kevin Bacon will never quite live up to his namesake. Is Bacon even Kevin’s real name to begin with? If Kevin changed his last name from “Kochowski” to “Bacon,” well, we know he did the right thing for himself.)

But I digress.

Bacon rules. Bacon is king. Bacon is god. And because I only write about the most obvious stuff, I started a piece about the top 10 things that are better with bacon. But:

1. It’s been done, ad nauseam.

2. Frankly, no one can actually do justice to such an article, because...

3. ...it’s an impossible task. Everything is better with bacon. Everything!

Then late one night, I wondered if “everything” actually meant everything? Really?

Needless to say, my fevered thoughts led to fevered dreams, which led to fevered scribblings early in the morning. That, and fevered Interwebs searchings. And finally, my friends, a discovery... there are indeed things in this world that are not made better with bacon. And they are:

Bacon

Mmm... bacon... yes... mmm... dee-lish!

But let’s just make this clear: Bacon is not made better with bacon. That’s like adding one to infinity.

That said, we’re not talking about quantity here. More bacon is always better than less bacon. Here’s a fact: Were American teachers to start describing “<” and “>” as “more bacon” and “less bacon,” the United States would experience a surge in mathematics among all age groups in less than a year.


Vegan Sausage

Nevermind vegans don't eat bacon anyway: Adding bacon to poop does not improve the poop. That is all. 

 
Chicken-Fried Steak

The opposite of vegan sausage, this bastardized nightmare version of weiner schnitzel -- inflicted upon the world by some small, rude Texas town in which the favorite pastime is to beat the flavor out of food -- is not improved by bacon. It’s a fatty dish that depends on milk gravy for its flavor. CFS gives its consumers a heart full of grease and a colon full of fat.

Chicken-fried steak is one of the few foods that can override the distinctive and bold taste of bacon with its own heavyweight Crisco-esque flavor profile. Bacon is wasted on this “food,” and that’s just sad.

STOP WASTING BACON, PEOPLE!


Durian

Like the smell of rotting flesh? Then durian fruit is for you. But don’t you dare waste your bacon on it, because you will throw up before you can even put the bacon in your mouth. That, sir, is a crime and we will not let it stand.

The only good thing about durian is it tastes less bad than it smells -- like spoiled, mushy onions which is not improved by the projectile vomit you’re sure to spew all over the said fruit.
 

Natto

Fermented soy beans. It has a sticky paste. And when you stir it, the sticky paste increases.

Natto smells like butt, too. This, for some reason, does not deter some people.

Eat it with soy sauce! Eat it with kimchi! Eat it with... mayonaisse. Eat it with anything, but do not waste your bacon on it!


Rocky Mountain Oysters

Oh, twisted mind that conceived this noxious concoction! Oh, bastard soul who first tested, then tasted, then unleashed this fare upon a once-innocent world... a world in which one did not inflict fried bovine balls upon one’s palette!

Even if bacon somehow did make this stuff better, how could you tell? You’d be too busy dwelling on the fact that you were chewing on a testicle to pay attention.


Lutefisk

"Lutefisk is dried fish, soaked for several days in a lye and water mixture and then in plain water. It takes on a very gelatinous texture." I  couldn't describe it myself because OMG IT IS DRIED FISH. SOAKED IN LYE. SEVERAL DAYS. IT IS GELATINOUS.

Bacon? What's bacon at this point? I just want to rip my tongue out...



Transformers 2

Robots don’t cry. Robots don’t fart. Robots don’t have balls. Yes, this is not a food, but just consider: Even if you had all the bacon you wanted to eat while experiencing this travesty, you wouldn’t enjoy this raping of your childhood. No sir.


Balut

Balut (AKA "OMG, OMG, OMG") is a Filipino delicacy that is made by boiling a duck egg with an almost developed duckling inside. I'm dying here. Bacon is supposed to go great with eggs! What am I doing here? Where am I?

Mommy, I'm lost!

What's that? Bacon... bacon...

Ah, yes, bacon. Bacon is bringing me back... back to a real meal... bacon and eggs... yes...
 

1000-Year-Old Egg

NOOO!

Will not get upset. Will not get upset. Will not get upset.

It's a "preserved egg." According to Wikipedia: "After the process is completed, the yolk becomes a dark green, cream-like substance with a strong odor of sulphur [FARTS] and ammonia [PEE], while the white becomes a dark brown, transparent jelly with little flavor or taste." Okay, Wikepedia didn't put in those brackets. But they oughta.

Fact: Bacon will not improve 1000-year-old egg.

        

dudedrama dudedrama 36-40, M 59 Responses Jul 22, 2009

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vegan sausage~~ T-T

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little... *urk*

Thanks for the laughs. Well written and an uplift to the day.

mmmhmm BACON

Hollllyyyy **** this made me laugh!!!!! XD

This article is even better if you eat bacon while you read it. <br />
<br />
Great job!

Those eggs are messed up. That's all.

So true. I've seen all of those things on Bizarre Foods, and the host spit all of the out on the floor..

Well if you are interested... I am having ham, lettuce, tomato and bacon sandwich for lunch today!

I do not like bacon...its too salty, smoky and it stinks the whole house when you cook it...

Ohhh noooo Balut is in the list.I try to eat that but I can't .Funny story about bacon

thanks for this post. it cheered me up and got my mind off of my medical issues. <br />
Except for the embryo boiled eggs delicacy from phillipines. That is depressing and should be a crime to boil a living bird baby.

Maple syrup and bacon makes it better!!

Bacon is a great weight loss food - yum!

ahahaha.... this was so gross.

..I was sure having fun reading this..Well I am a Filipino, and you'd definitely change your mind after you tasted BALUT and DURIAN..hahaha..thanks for the laugh..

Yeah, but I've always considered trying balut...though even my dad draws the line there for food sampling.

u probably jus made my day XD that was amazing! Hahha

Geeeeeeeeeniuuuuuuus.

Bucking frilliant work there :-) Love the vegetarian sausages :-p

Both the ingestion of copious amounts of bacon and Michael Bay's cinematography in Transformers 2 make me dizzy and uncomfortable, however, I think bacon might have a slightly better plot, and is tolerable in longer intervals.

You've really given this some thought, haven't you?

Thanks for making me laugh out loud several times. VERY funny!

If you wrapped your head in bacon.... Transformers 2 might be ok...<br />
MATTEL

Very Funny. Bacon is so fatty unless you eat Turkey Bacon.

I just saw the word "BACON" and I had to comment...The story was funny and gross all at the same time and it made me desire BACON even the more! I'm running home to have bacon and eggs...carniverous style...no vegan here!

This was the funniest thing I've read all day... albeit I've been sat in a lecture for most of the day, but still it was a good laugh :)<br />
You do like your bacon dude =P

Bacon is why I will never be a vegetarian.<br />
As is that picture of the sausage ...

Mmmm... Bacon.

so this post is a litle old and stinks like sulpher, butt i half tied bacon to a stick of katalpe wood and it was almost inedible. but the stick was perty good. I also roasted a posum and used bacon on it threw away the posum and drank the gravy over the bacon and bisquits.

I hear Natto is actually pretty tasty, but that picture of the Vegan sausage... looks horrible!<br />
<br />
Bacon is ******* delicious!

Wait...make it 11 things...You forgot pickles!

I don't think I've ever been so thoroughly repulsed and thoroughly entertained at the same time! LOL!!<br />
<br />
Once again life has proved you learn something new every day. Most are things I've never seen or knew existed...and thank gawd it wasn't a 'scratch-n-sniff'!!<br />
<br />
I agree - you should submit to a magazine! A very original, fascinating, enGROSSingly wonderful piece!<br />
<br />
Thanks for sharing =)

You've never had maple bacon

The best part is that lutefisk is traditionally served with mashed peas, butter and, you guessed it, bacon.<br />
<br />
I have a Norwegian friend who was traumatized every Christmas, by parents who could not understand how he couldn't LOVE lutefisk.

oh man!

the almost developed duck egg didnt look so bad :~|<br />
i'd try it...maybe...until i heard bones crunching. then i'd think to myself "mmmm sounds like bacon!" HA!

I think I'll get by without trying most of the things mentioned-lol<br />
Bacon rules-pork fat rules !!!!

What a story. I'll remember that when I try teaching my students something difficult. Illustrate with bacon!

Or, more precisely - "Lose Weight - Fast!"

Talk about a "Lose Weight Fast" diet plan... :P

Kevin Bacon is the son of Ed Bacon, a Philadelphia city planner. That said, your story is on the mark, although the photographs have got me thinking about fasting for a week.

Great story very funny ....

Very entertaining but I found when touring New Mexico and Arizona that American idea of bacon differed greatly from that eaten in Great Britain. You seem to only eat what we call streaky - we get back bacon, streaky, shoulder and dry cured is best, it doesn't have that white watery stuff coming out of it when you cook it.xxx

Absolutely hilarious. Thanks for putting this together, brother.

is that vegan sausage or vegan crap? oh, wait, it's all the same...

very well done... :) ...thankyou for the time and effort that went into that.... very funny... :)

Well I guess we know what you are having for breakfast in the morning......But after those pics.....I think that I will stick to my oatmeal......Which just needs some honey to make it taste better

oh man! that was hilarious! awesome lol

That Filipino egg thing is so sad! Didn't expect that one.<br />
<br />
This was hilarious though! I love reading things that actually make me laugh out loud.<br />
<br />
And you defiantly made me realize how disgusting country fried steak is. My boyfriend orders it from meat and three's all the time..next time I'm telling him no!

Dude! Wash that cutting board. Please?

....... I'm not so sure that I needed to learn about all of those things but your point was masterfully made! To funny, thanks for the laughs!!!

Awesome piece! The order of the foods was genius. I am thoroughly entertained AND nauseous :)

I want a BLT and I want it NOW.

Gross, but hilarious! Thanks for the yuks! (The "yucks," maybe not so much...)

absolutely hands down, the funniest thing I've read all day! I soooooooooo needed this! ty ty ty <br />
p.s. I swear I could smell the bacon! yummmm<br />
;-)

omg.! This was going to be my comment.
I could smell the bacon that I had this morning.
&amp;&amp; This was hella funny.!

I agree 100% with all of these...EXCEPT ONE! THE THIRD ONE! Bacon goes GREAT with country fried steak...that's actually how I cook mine! I use flour, salt, pepper, eggs, oil, milk, onions, paprika, garlic, oregano, thyme, cayenne, and...BACONNNNNNN BITS!!!<br />
<br />
And how DARE you insult Texas? It WILL come back to haunt you. We don't say "Don't mess with Texas" for nothin'!<br />
<br />
Other than that though, great job!

Everyone of those pictures grosses me out... even the one of Transformers 2! ;) Thanks for the laugh.

Transformers 2... SO TRUE! That was 2.5 hours of my life I will not get back and wrapping it in bacon would not HELP!