10 Things That Not Even Bacon Can Make Better

I n the Age of Bacon, bacon cannot be stopped. Every human being said “Bacon makes everything better” at least 11 times in the past week alone. Vegans can’t disagree, as a quick search for “vegan bacon” on Google will reveal. Bacon is an essential ingredient in the making of “Footloose” -- and if the remake doesn’t have Bacon, it will fail.

(And since we’re on the subject: As successful as he is, Kevin Bacon will never quite live up to his namesake. Is Bacon even Kevin’s real name to begin with? If Kevin changed his last name from “Kochowski” to “Bacon,” well, we know he did the right thing for himself.)

But I digress.

Bacon rules. Bacon is king. Bacon is god. And because I only write about the most obvious stuff, I started a piece about the top 10 things that are better with bacon. But:

1. It’s been done, ad nauseam.

2. Frankly, no one can actually do justice to such an article, because...

3. ...it’s an impossible task. Everything is better with bacon. Everything!

Then late one night, I wondered if “everything” actually meant everything? Really?

Needless to say, my fevered thoughts led to fevered dreams, which led to fevered scribblings early in the morning. That, and fevered Interwebs searchings. And finally, my friends, a discovery... there are indeed things in this world that are not made better with bacon. And they are:

Bacon

Mmm... bacon... yes... mmm... dee-lish!

But let’s just make this clear: Bacon is not made better with bacon. That’s like adding one to infinity.

That said, we’re not talking about quantity here. More bacon is always better than less bacon. Here’s a fact: Were American teachers to start describing “<” and “>” as “more bacon” and “less bacon,” the United States would experience a surge in mathematics among all age groups in less than a year.


Vegan Sausage

Nevermind vegans don't eat bacon anyway: Adding bacon to poop does not improve the poop. That is all. 

 
Chicken-Fried Steak

The opposite of vegan sausage, this bastardized nightmare version of weiner schnitzel -- inflicted upon the world by some small, rude Texas town in which the favorite pastime is to beat the flavor out of food -- is not improved by bacon. It’s a fatty dish that depends on milk gravy for its flavor. CFS gives its consumers a heart full of grease and a colon full of fat.

Chicken-fried steak is one of the few foods that can override the distinctive and bold taste of bacon with its own heavyweight Crisco-esque flavor profile. Bacon is wasted on this “food,” and that’s just sad.

STOP WASTING BACON, PEOPLE!


Durian

Like the smell of rotting flesh? Then durian fruit is for you. But don’t you dare waste your bacon on it, because you will throw up before you can even put the bacon in your mouth. That, sir, is a crime and we will not let it stand.

The only good thing about durian is it tastes less bad than it smells -- like spoiled, mushy onions which is not improved by the projectile vomit you’re sure to spew all over the said fruit.
 

Natto

Fermented soy beans. It has a sticky paste. And when you stir it, the sticky paste increases.

Natto smells like butt, too. This, for some reason, does not deter some people.

Eat it with soy sauce! Eat it with kimchi! Eat it with... mayonaisse. Eat it with anything, but do not waste your bacon on it!


Rocky Mountain Oysters

Oh, twisted mind that conceived this noxious concoction! Oh, bastard soul who first tested, then tasted, then unleashed this fare upon a once-innocent world... a world in which one did not inflict fried bovine balls upon one’s palette!

Even if bacon somehow did make this stuff better, how could you tell? You’d be too busy dwelling on the fact that you were chewing on a testicle to pay attention.


Lutefisk

"Lutefisk is dried fish, soaked for several days in a lye and water mixture and then in plain water. It takes on a very gelatinous texture." I  couldn't describe it myself because OMG IT IS DRIED FISH. SOAKED IN LYE. SEVERAL DAYS. IT IS GELATINOUS.

Bacon? What's bacon at this point? I just want to rip my tongue out...



Transformers 2

Robots don’t cry. Robots don’t fart. Robots don’t have balls. Yes, this is not a food, but just consider: Even if you had all the bacon you wanted to eat while experiencing this travesty, you wouldn’t enjoy this raping of your childhood. No sir.


Balut

Balut (AKA "OMG, OMG, OMG") is a Filipino delicacy that is made by boiling a duck egg with an almost developed duckling inside. I'm dying here. Bacon is supposed to go great with eggs! What am I doing here? Where am I?

Mommy, I'm lost!

What's that? Bacon... bacon...

Ah, yes, bacon. Bacon is bringing me back... back to a real meal... bacon and eggs... yes...
 

1000-Year-Old Egg

NOOO!

Will not get upset. Will not get upset. Will not get upset.

It's a "preserved egg." According to Wikipedia: "After the process is completed, the yolk becomes a dark green, cream-like substance with a strong odor of sulphur [FARTS] and ammonia [PEE], while the white becomes a dark brown, transparent jelly with little flavor or taste." Okay, Wikepedia didn't put in those brackets. But they oughta.

Fact: Bacon will not improve 1000-year-old egg.