Mommy With Ckd

I am 29 and a mom of three handsome boys ages 11,6, & 5. I love them so so much it amazes me sometimes :)

I first want to explain what CKD is for those who do not know. CKD stands for Chronic Kidney Disease. There are 5 stages, 5 meaning a transplant is needed ASAP. I am currently at stage 3 1/2. It has been 14 months since I was diagnosed and every single day I think of my family and how it has and will continue to change us. It is not something easy to deal with. With all the visits I have had with my doctor I have only cried once and that was when I was told that I cannot have anymore children due to one of my kidneys not working at all. That was the day I broke down for the first time after my diagnosis. If I were to become pregnant my "life expectancy" would only be approx. 5 years.....

For 3 years now I have wanted to have another child, specifically a girl, granted the chances of a girl with my husbands genes are very slim... I have now gotten to the point that I just want another child no matter the gender, but every time I think about it I want to cry! I think about it everyday, I can't stop!

I understand that I gave birth to three healthy children when others can't have them period, but that does not change the fact that I feel like I am hurting. I don't know anyone who understands how I feel or what I am going through and trying to find an outlet is very difficult. I do not want sympathy, I just want someone to understand and listen without judgement and "poor you" comments. I cannot talk with my husband about this because he is so terrified of losing me that it hurts him to even think about my CKD.

I do show my love and appreciation to my husband and my boys and I hope they know that I love them all so much.

This is the first time I have gone into detail about being a Mommy with CKD. It saddens me when I go back and read what I have written, but also makes me happy for what I do have.

I hope one day to be able to get past this feeling.

<3

MrsHnoakley MrsHnoakley
26-30, F
Jan 16, 2013