Life Is Great Now, When Its Over, Who Really Knows What's Next?

This is a deep feeling I have had since I can remember. When I was 5 years old, I remember thinking life is so much fun, it will never end. Then a friend of my parents overhead me saying I was so happy and wanted to live forever. She told me that nobody lives forever. She told me we all die and if we are good we will go to heaven. Well at 5 years old, I didn't believe her. I thought the only reason people die was because they got sick and the doctors could not find the right medicine for them or if you were a criminal and got shot by a gun and died. Neither of these things seemed possible to happen to me. I was sick a lot already and the doctor that come to our house would always make me better. Sooner or later I got it, I realized I was going to die someday and it really scared me and made me sad. I didn't want to be dead, lying in a box in the ground for 1000's of years or longer.

After having to except this fact, it was very sad. I walked to school the next day and would start crying. I was ashamed that I felt so sad and scared about dying when the neighbor woman drove by and saw me crying, she stopped the car and asked me if I was ok. I said I was fine, but I wasn't. She asked me why I was crying and I felt too ashamed to admit my terrible truth.

This fear of dying has changed through the years, I am now 50+ years old. Im not too afraid of death, I still don't know what's next and I get pissed of when people tell me about the after life, like how do they really know, no body really knows. People just are in major Hope and delusion about what's next. That's a whole other story but to stay on task, I know my day to die will come and I can't control that. I really feel like I have had a great life. I have watched my children grow up, watched myself and family move forward, its all good. I still have this deep sadness that I will really miss living. As I move through the Milestones of life it's a melancholy experience for me. Im glad I am living and moving forward, at the same time, I also know I am moving towards the end and that still makes me sad.
mk4mtl mk4mtl
51-55
Jul 18, 2010