Don't Look For Love, Let It Find You..
We all have been down that road where we get tired of always meeting the Mr. or Mrs. Wrong. I was tired of running into men who either don’t want a long term relationship ever or the ones that wanted me but not my son and so this is why I have remained single. Here I am in my early 30’s with a with a teenage son and even though I was happy being me I just wished that I had someone who can love me for me. A friend of mine suggested that I sign up with this online dating service for single parents but I was like are you crazy because I’m not desperate. He was looking at it as a new way to meet someone since meeting people in public was not working. I told him I will think about it. I was too busy working and raising my son to deal with someone else’s drama. About a month after this conversation my curiosity got the best of me and I signed up for a membership but I did not get my hopes up high because I was a little scared because I don’t have time for meeting someone who turned out to be freaking crazy.. We all heard about the crazy people who be online.. I browsed through ton of profiles until only one caught my attention. His profile greeting message was short and said “Why is it so hard for a single dad to meet a genuine woman on here or anywhere else”. So, I checked out the rest of his profile and saw that we had some of the same interest. His profile picture was eye pleasing tall, dark and handsome but looks can be deceiving and that picture could have been taking some years ago. So I sent him a message and said that its still genuine and sweet woman out here because I’m one of them. About 2 days later he sent me a message saying that he like my profile and he loves a driven and goal minded woman. We chatted back and forth for a couple weeks and then I gave him my email address as well as my phone number. We talked about life growing up as a child, the choices we make in life even though some off them were wrong ones. We talked some much about our son’s, we both had a son who we adored. He told me he was married before but he has been single for over 2yrs and that ended because she was cheating on him and the trust factor was broken. I told him that I know what it feels like to be cheated on but you cant let that hardened your heart, all you can say it wasn’t meant to be.
After 6 months of long distant calling with him in Alabama and me in Maryland we decided to meet. I was scheduled to do a contract job in Mississippi in January so we planned to meet then. When I saw him for the first time he looked way better than his pictures. We just had a good time and I couldn’t ask for anything better. My job contract was only for a few days but I ended up staying 2 weeks. I met his whole family which included his mom and dad, cousins, brothers, aunts, uncles and his son. His mom and his dad ask me when was coming back to get him and take him with me. Over dinner he told me he loved me and he waited his whole life for someone like me to come into his life and my son even adores you. See, I love kids and I treated his son like I would treat my own. Before I left to return back home I told him that he needs to meet my son and my family. 4 days after returning home my son had a near fatal dirt bike accident he ended up with a serious concussion that made his head swell twice the size then it was, a broken collar bone, 2 broken shoulder blades, 2 broken wrists and a whole lot of bruises.. But I thanked God he was alive. It feel like I was helpless because I told him that I would always protect him from harm and I wasn’t there to do so. This took a toll on the both of us physically and emotionally. I had to feed him, clothe him and bathe him. He was home from school for almost 2 ½ months and I felt like my boyfriend should have taken a few days to be there for me but he told me he was sorry but work was hectic but I said I understood but in the back of my mind was if he loved me then he would have found a way to get here, but I let it to so I could focus on my son. My boyfriend said he wanted to come and see my son and I so I decided that since Memorial Day was coming around and my brother and his wife in NC throws this get together because its their wedding anniversary, it will be a chance for him to meet everyone. He meet my family and everyone says he seems cool except my son. My son had mixed reactions he told me that its just something about him that wasn’t right. I took it as maybe that’s his protective instincts kicking in since its always been me and him. We all had a good time that weekend and my son loosened up a little bit. After that holiday weekend decided he wanted to come back to Maryland with my mom, my son and I to extend his vacation time. He was with us for 3 weeks and we did everything together like a family. My son love going to ride go carts so he took my son on several occasion, he also took him to get his drivers license. My took that as he was wanted to except not only my me but him also. I see my son was letting his guard down little by little. Before he went back home he proposed and I accepted. We decided that we wanted to live together before marriage so we decided to move to NC. I found a place to live by the end of June we was moved in. Everything was going as planned, his job transfer from Alabama to North Carolina went smoothly. And I was still working also. We agreed that he will pay the rent and I will pay the utilities but food and furnishing for the house will be split down the middle. My son adjusted to the move because he came here to visit every summer with my mom, so this was nothing for him. I was starting to make this house a home but I was started to realize that I was doing it by myself. Or plans were to have a fall wedding the first week in November. My profession is that I’m a Pastry Chef and I was happy because instead of always making wedding cakes for customers I get to make my own. One day I was on the phone booking a banquet hall and my son came in and said that he need to tell me something that was important. I ended the call and was all ears. H e said he has this gut feeling that my fiancé is lying about something. He says he never put his input on anything that has to do with getting married nor did he help you with buying furniture and other stuff for this house. I’m not going to lie, that dawned on me because we agreed to split everything 50/50 so I did a little research online using his ss# but nothing came back to except he owes some hospital bills. My son said he seen me put everything in a relationship and I ended up being hurt. So, I can feel where he is coming from. In September 2 months before my wedding , I get a phone call from my mom and she was crying. She said she went to the doctor and her tests came back that they found a lump and I thought back eight years ago when we almost lost her to Cancer. I ask her was it cancerous and she said that they have to do more tests to find out. I could hear it in her voice that she was scared but she kept telling me she was fine. My mom and I are like sisters I was born on her birthday. We talk about every and anything. I decided not to tell my son until we was sure what was the outcome. The first week in October, my mom called me and told me that her Cancer has come back and that hit me like a ton of bricks. She was told that where the tumor was located that they could not do surgery because of where it was located on that it was on a main blood vessel. She would have to do Radiation 5 days a week and Chemotherapy 1 day a week for the next 8 weeks. I cancelled my wedding. My mom well being was more than anything in this world. I saw a strong woman all my life turn into something I have never seen before. These treatments took a toll on her and I made sure that I was always there for her but I noticed my fiancé was changing behind this. Christmas rolled around and he didn’t get me nor my son anything. His response was that the IRS had tapped his accounts and he was trying not to tell me because he didn’t know how to take it. My mom insurance sometimes didn’t pay for all her medicine so it was my job to make sure she had it, and trust me I see why people go overseas to get medicine, 20 pills cost almost $300 and with the radiation she was prescribed with a mediated shampoo that her insurance didn’t cover which cost over a $100. But she took care of me so its was my time to do for her. January rolled around and I didn’t get anything for my birthday from him not even a card which you can get from the Dollar Tree for $1.00. He was starting to become selfish even though he said he forgot about my birthday but I was like please.. He said he will make it up on Valentines Day.. Feb. 14th came around and I received this beautiful candy bouquet with a teddy bear and balloons from my son but nothing from him. So, yes I confronted him and it turned into a heated argument. He I am cooking, cleaning, working, in school, raising my son and taking care of my mom and he is tripping. I don’t need this not know. My mom body was starting to have a reaction to her treatments and she was sick more than she was well. This was taking a toll on everyone and I just need him to be there for moral support but I guess I was asking for to damn much. The man I loved was slowly fading away. I went to him and asked him what was wrong and he said that I have changed. I said he was right, I’m just going through something right now and I need you to be a little more understanding. My mom started getting better but my relationship didn’t. It got to the point where he was telling me that I was stupid and saying I cant do anything right. When I did talk told me to shut up because I talked to much. He started doing nothing around the house, he would walk past a full trash can and look the other way. I starting footing all the bills including his share because he told me that he felt like I had my priorities messed up because I said my obligation was making sure my mom was ok. And if my mom is that special then she should be paying bills here not him. Here I am trying to be SUPERWOMAN and it still wasn’t enough. His son came to visit and it was the pure HELL. He is a 14 year old boy who claims he plays football but all he did was sleep, eat and watch TV besides telling his mom everything that was going on in my home which was so disrespectful and when I confronted his dad about it, it went in one ear and came out the other. His son told me that you know my dad is thinking about moving back to Alabama, I said oh really. He never said anything to me about it. One day we were looking at TV and I said something and his son had the nerve to tell me to shut the hell up because no one wanted to hear what I had to say. His father agreed with his son. My son didn’t take it lightly which ended up in a fist fight. But it was justified no son is going to sit here and let no one disrespect his mom. After that we ended up sleeping in different rooms which was fine by me. I started to think about all those times my son said its something about his man he did not like and everything was staring to come to surface. My mom finally started doing better and she came to visit me along with my sister and niece. They stayed about a month and enjoyed their company. It was a lot of things going on with me but I put that on the back burner because I wanted to make it comfortable with my mom. I was being emotionally abused and taking for granted but I felt ashamed and sometime I though maybe if I try harder then he will changed but I was dead wrong it got worst. I came to find out that the whole time we was together he was still married he was going through a divorce and it didn’t come final until right before his son came to stay with us, I was furious and I found this out because his mom sent some papers here and she accidentally put my name down instead of his.. So I put 2 and 2 together that’s why he was not into helping me prepare for our wedding. Damn when was he going to tell me at the freaking alter.. I was going to wait until my mom leave before I say confront him. But my plans did not go as planned because after all my mom has been through he disrespected her and made her cry and that was my turning point. I went the off and it took everyone inch of me as well as my family holding me back not to kill him. My son instincts was dead on because everything came out, the whole time he told me the IRS had tapped into his account he was giving it to his ex which was still his wife so it made me feel like I was the mistress. The whole time he was telling her he loved her and he cant wait for them to be together but smiling in my face everyday. Thank God that we always used protection and I stopped being intimate when he stop showing me love and that came when my mom fell ill. All those times that he said it was my fault that the relationship was going no where its because he was the one playing this emotional game with hearts. I was hurt because here I was trying to make sure everyone was happy and I was sacrificing my own feelings. This was considered my home and I was not leaving since everything in it down to the toilet paper I had paid for. He left because I told him as soon as he went to sleep that I was gong to kill him. I told him he messed over the wrong woman. He I was making sure his son had something to eat and clean clothes but he could care less about my son. After he left I felt like a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders.
My house was broken into and it looked like a tornado hit it but nothing was taken as far as I could see but I did call the police and they made a report. About 3 weeks after he left, my landlord called me and told me my rent check bounced and I told him that’s impossible because I had money in that account. I got off that phone and called my bank and they told me that it was only $0.87 cent in this account, when I heard that I dropped the phone. How the hell can I go from over $40,000 in an account to $0.87. When she told me everything that was written on that account, I cried because not only was my heart cheated but he stole my hard work. I had to file a fraud investigation. Here I am all my savings taking away from me in less than 3 weeks. I cried and felt like I was getting punished for some odd reason. What did I do wrong for someone to do something so hurtful to me? I was always a giving person and here I am defeated. I go from on top of the world in my eyes to stuck in a dirt mud hole with no way of coming out. I was told by my bank to file a police report and with this much money it will take time to get back. I started to think he was the one who broke into the house and that’s how he got my bank information. I called the detective from the report and told him I had an idea who broke into my home. I didn’t have anytime, I had student loans, car note, rent, utilities, food to buy, and a son to take care of. The first time since my son been born that I had to struggle. And when it comes to hardship is when you know who is there for you and who’s not. Its funny how I was there for some people including family when they needed $$$ but when everything is taking from me those some people were looking down on me. They always say money is the root of evil and I saw this with my own 2 eyes. It was time that I went hungry so my son will have something to eat. I had to end up getting on welfare and collect food stamps because I had no other choice. I did it for my son sake not mine. So the next time you see someone using a food stamp card, don’t misjudge them because you don’t know their circumstances that got them there. With no money I couldn’t even get to jobs because there was no gas for the car in which I had to give up. We ended up getting our water cut off because I didn’t have money to pay the bill. I had to go door to door and borrow water from neighbors so we can be clean, brush our teeth and flush the toilet. When we got an eviction notice that was the first time I saw my son break down and cry and I did the same thing. I’m supposed to be his protector and I cant even do that. It was times I felt like giving up but because I couldn’t for the sake of my son. I always prayed to God for some answers but I felt like they were being unanswered but I never gave up hoping and praying that this madness will end. I sold almost everything that we had to make this house a home just to keep a roof over our heads and not be homeless. I cried myself to sleep every night and the strong person that I thought I was, was slowing dying inside. I became distant and it put a strain on my relationship with my mom and sometimes my son. I would snap and go off for no reason at all. I didn’t want anyone to know what we was going through because I didn’t want no one to judge me, like saying why would you put yourself in this situation. When in reality I was thrown in this, I never asked for this. Slowly the $$ started coming back but not fast enough because we were still struggling. I still wanted to get revenge some how, I wanted him to suffer like I did. Its like this man disappeared off the face of this earth. His parents up and moved and changed their numbers. But God don’t like ugly and in due time he will pay for his sins. My mom and my sister helped out when they could. I just needed someone to come and rescue me from me. I dint like the person I was turning into who was bitter and cold. But after all I went to could you really blame me. I remember this day like it was yesterday, I was asking God why was he giving me more then I can bear. I got everyone telling me that I never forgive and forget but here the problem with that, its easier said then done. They looking for the outside in and unless they have been where I have then they have no clue how hard it is to move past the hurt and deceit. I was emotionally scarred and its move abusive than being physical abused. My healing has to start from within and I know in due time I will be back to my old self but I didn’t know how long that was going to take. I used face book as my way of coping with my issues and feelings. I had devoted friends who gave me a lot of positive feedback with my post. Some of them have understood because they have been in my shoes but they kept it hidden because they felt like I did, they didn’t want to be judge. So when ever I had something on my mind I would just post it on face book. I started writing love poems on how is supposed to be because its sure is not hurtful or full of deceit. But even with starting to let a few people in my world my heart was still bruised and I felt deep down inside that it will stay that way. Slowly but surely my son and I started to pick up the pieces little by little and our relationship become closer than it once was. But I refused to let anyone get close to me again. I started having these dreams about and I was getting married but the man face was black out for some odd reason. I was dreaming about meeting this man in front of a waterfall but his face was never clear. Each night it was something different that I dreamt about, we was having ice cream and mine was vanilla and his was chocolate. But, I paid it no mind. I was sitting in a park one day writing in my journal when someone came to me and said I’m to beautiful not to smile. I responded that I had nothing to smile about. He assured me that God blessed me to see another beautiful day so I had everything to smile about. I smiled because he was right. We just made small talk as I wrote and look at some man who I think was homeless washing his clothes in these cascading waterfalls that surrounded this park. He ask did I want to go get something to eat and I declined. He asked me did I like ice cream because he knows this place that’s make the best frozen custard. I love ice cream so I said ok. He asked now, was that so hard. I just nodded my head. He ask me what was I writing and I said they are just my inner thoughts. He told me take a seat and he will order it and bring it to me, here I am asking myself he does not know what flavor I like. But he came back with vanilla for me and chocolate for him. This was déjà vu. I recognized everything in this place I have been here before but only in my dreams down to the man with the blurry face eating chocolate ice cream and me with vanilla. Then I thought about the dream of meeting someone in front of a waterfall. I just shook my head and he asked me what’s wrong and I said nothing. He was talking about he loves to go walking because it clears your mind and it’s a way to stay healthy. I said I was looking for someone to go walking with and he said maybe one day we can walk together. I said maybe. He gave me his number but I never called, I was not ready to deal with another man not even as friends. But, I kept having those same dreams. I saw him about 2 months later in that same park and he said BEAUTIFUL why didn’t you call me, I told him that I went through something and that I don’t trust people. He said its understandable but life sometimes throws us some curve balls just to see if we can overcome them, but no matter how bad life seems it can be worst and at least you made it through. We talked as and he told me he didn’t have any kids and that he was celibate and saving himself for marriage. I was like oh okay. He said if I was not busy now that we could take a walk and I said okay. We walked and talked. He said he had to go back to work and I said ok but he wanted to know if I wanted to go walking this Saturday, I said sure but he said am I going to call this time. I said yes. We went walking that Saturday and that Sunday I couldn’t even move. Its funny because I had muscles tightening up that I never knew existed but I felt good and every Saturday from that day was our walking day. Now he told me something about his life and how many obstacles that he has to overcome and I realizes that I am bless to have my son as well as my mom in my life. He said BEAUTIFUL, never stop believing in yourself you have to much to live for. I was coming back to the old me. All those times I use to pray but felt like they went unanswered he was listening. He was looking out for me and I believe all this was a test of will power because he knew I was strong enough to pull through it find myself again. The man from my dreams was heaven sent. God helps those who helps themselves. He knew what he was doing and when it was beginning to be much to bare alone he lead me into a new and different direction. As time moved on my ripped to pieces heart became whole again and it was the first time that my son said he like someone. Just thinking about life in general I realize maybe the reason why I ended up in no good relationships because I went looking for love instead of letting love find me. True love comes when you need it the most but not always when you want it to happen. In life we learn as we grow. We are not perfect and we all make mistakes but our past does not define who we are as a person.