I'm A ****** By Ivor Biggun

My mother said
that I never should
ever play with the naughty rude girls in the wood
Their giggling talk I could never have understood
And that's why I fell in love with my right hand

(Chorus)
And thats why
I'm a ******
I'm a ******
And it does me good like it bloody well should
I'm a ******
I'm a ******
And I'm always pulling my pudd

I was 25 years old
before I was kissed
and then I found the guy preferred
a swift one off the wrist
Its cheap and convenient
and you cant catch VD
Its available at anytime and its absolutely free

(Chorus)
And that's why
I'm a ******
I'm a ******
And it does me good like it bloody well should
I'm ******
I'm a ******
and I'm always pulling my pudd

Oh Mrs Paln
and your 5 lovely daughters
Thank you for having me
and being oh so kind
I've got pains in my arms
and my donkey's growing shorter
My knees have turned to water
And I think I'm going blind

I've wanked over Italy
I've wanked over Spain
I've wanked in an omnibus
I've even had a **** in a train

I've used a badger
and a lemon
and a cat
a inflatable Linda Lovelace
and a David Crocket hat

(Chorus)
And that's why
I'm a ******
I'm a ******
and it does me good like it bloody well should
I'm a ******
I'm a ******
and I'm always pulling my pudd

Oh Mrs Palm
and your 5 lovely daughters
Thank you for having me
and being oh so kind
I've pains in my arms
and my donkeys growing shorter
My knees have turned to water
And I think I'm going blind

Pa1nsMcmurdo Pa1nsMcmurdo
41-45, M
1 Response Jan 5, 2013

Got to No. 22 in 1978.No station would dare play it. It got no airplay, so not bad going at all. Knowing the Great British Public, it was a sure fire No. 1 otherwise.