YOU Might Be a Redneck

You might be a redneck if...   You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.
  There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
  The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
  You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
  Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
  There is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Your wedding was held in the delivery room.

Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

You go to the family reunion to pick up women.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
  You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.

You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
  Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."

You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You think hitting a deer at 65 mph is fast food.   You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.   You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen start your engines"   You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

You think Wal-Mart is expensive.

You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.

You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.

Your dog is your alarm clock.
  You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.