Self Made Monster

I t sucks. Wish I had never touched the stuff.  I tried it when I was 13 and havent stopped since. I have taken a few breaks here and there. Had two kids without using. But it still runs my life. 16 years of this "****". 16 freaking years. Thats insane. And I continue to try and fight the urge off. But its really hard. Am I ever going to be able to walk away completely? The older I get the more I believe that it is going to someday take me to my grave. It sucks the life and the normalsy of life away. And you let it. I let it. I have been to jail, prison, and 5 rehabs trying to get away from it. I have even moved across the ocean, to the islands trying to escape its grasp. And It still found me there.


I am living a lie. No one knows that I have begun to use again. It is a deadly secret. It has made my mind unstable and sends me into fits of manic and then fits of depressed behavior. I never know who I am going to be when I wake up in the morning. Anything can set me off.

My family would be so dissappointed. Dissappointed that I gave into it again. After 18 months of being clean. After losing everything I have bounced back. Have my own place with my girls. And knowing that my behavior could cause me to lose it all. AGAIN. WTF.

It sucks. But I am still here. For now.

KarmaKatcher KarmaKatcher
31-35, F
3 Responses May 8, 2007

god, i know what you mean. my drug of choice is heroin and 6 months ago i quit, after using it for 8 yrs. i was doing so good and then i slipped. but you know what? its not the end of the world. just remember how good it felt to be clean and knowing you were doing the right thing for yourself for once. so you ****** up for a minute, so what. just get back on your horse and ride off. don't let it suck you back in. you know that is not where you want to be. you did it for 18 months, you know how to do it!! i am here for you, so if you wanna chat hit me up.

Yep....Its pretty ******! No punn intended. I am a poster child for Just Say No! Been 10 days now though. Hangin in there. Thanks ya'll.