Again and Again....addicted

Have been going to NA since I was 16 years old. Have known that I have had a problem since then. And if anyone were to ask me I am up front with my problem, and will admit I am an addict from the word GO. Unfortunately in my area, all the dealers like to prey on the weak at the meetings in my area. As in, there is more dope in a meeting smoke break, than from your usual dealer. Sad, but true. I had 16 days....but saddly have fallen prey again. Actually allowed my self to be caught up in the **** again. F$(^%!!!!! Hate this cycle. Living it for 17 years and now, still counting.
KarmaKatcher KarmaKatcher
31-35, F
9 Responses Jun 3, 2007

It is good to get your feelings down on this site.

I had no idea dealers wait outside an NA meeting.

My friend smokes weed but I am not interested. Don't need to be cos I have my morphine and sleep like a log.

Speed helps my depression Infact one day the manager threw me off the shop floor cos I couldn't stop laughing and the customers defended me saying it was nice to see a happy person.

I have done all sorts of drugs and all were easy to overcome since they were all for partying...whereas meth is ba<x>sed on party but mostly it focuses into the brain where the sexual glands are and it inhances it 1000 times more... coke is roughly 225 times it brings the tiger out of you.even thou it's great at the time.i don't use meth for party I only use it for sexual acts,u see that's the thing when I am horny I think of meth and I pass it many times but eventually after 2 weeks or 3 weeks it makes me uncontrollably want it from being horny cause I think about how meth makes me think pornstar and sexy basically my soul telling me in every way of force u want the best experience of sex and u love it cause the sex is amazing on meth and I fall for it.who doesn't fall for sex.i hate myself everytime that I do it on meth .i internally yell at myself at how stupid and dum I am and that I deserve to die after it wears off and I wish my life was different and normal.i feel dirty after it in how far I take sexual acts even though at the time it's the best acts.i hate being horny I haven't like it for 3 yrs cause I fear of useing meth everytime.it destroyed my normal sex life it destroyed what sex is all about.when I get horny I ********** it away so I don't have to use meth but even thou I do the meth thought still lingers telling me it's better than that and I know it.i don't recommend anyone to do meth we all have party triggers which we get over partying but sex trigger is with us until we are 60 or 70 and sex triggers love meth thinking...it's the ugliest feeling it makes me not want to live and just die.it makes me cry in how not normal I feel it makes me think suicide just to never think of meth throu horny moments to get **** thoughts over extreme than I used to, to want sex and it was enough.reality while on meth it feels upperclassed professional know it all of sexual pleasure of being sexy at it that feels real of who u are at the time but really it's all fake.its all the meth makeing u do that.if anyone is reading this please don't do meth.it will make u addicted for sex of extreme and wild long as nights.and ur sexual desires of normal betrays u divorces u breaks up with u after u cheat on it with meth.because that's how it feels.know matter how much I beg for my normal sexual desires to come back it doesn't.i cheated on it with something more sexy and slutty called meth and now I'm paying the price for it..if there is any tips of how to overcome meth please tell me please please please

I loved, hated loving drugs, getting high, low, etc.... Surely there are limited feeling in this body and drugs are just amazing... I dfeel sad that drugs made me sad... Because it feeeeeels so gooood great... greatest... I miss it someday... Or is it because I am broke

Moderation maybe,Iv seen to much destuction and DEATH to Love the Drugs.Marilyn Manson says "Don't like the Drugs,but the drugs like me" There's a whole in my sole and I'll fill it with it with Dope,then Im feeling fine!!!!!! Reality is hard but inner peace thats from my very being,My daughter went away at Xmas and when her GrandMother brought her back,she got out of the car after having time with her Dad and other users and ran up to me and said Mum,you look so alive!!!! NO DRUG COULD MAKE ME FEEL WHAT THAT MADE ME FEEL.

I also fall of the wagon and because I love to have sex on coke (and brings the freak out of me). I find it even more difficult to stop once I'm back in freak mode.

If moderation would work - wouldn't it be great! My 2nd husband was a heroin addict. He got kicked by a mule in WWII when he was in the outback of Australia as a bushmaster scout. He was 19 years old and they sent him to the infirmary for the pain an gave him a shot of morphine. It completely changed his life since that was the best he had ever felt in his life. He came home from WWII, used the GI bill got a degree in Theater Arts, taught high school, but there was always the hunger for that feeling and he eventually became a "scuffler" - he lived for it. He had an IQ of 165 and was one of the nicest people in the world. I think this "drug war" is a bunch of bunk. If people want to put things in their bodies that make them feel better, so be it. They do not hurt anyone else if they don't have to scuffle on the street for it and do not have to steal for it. My husband went thru rehab and when that was over - the leader of rehab was over at our house using. I have never used heroin nor shot up - but have been around plenty of people who did. The drug war has spawned a lot of new legitimate business enterprise - that is how I see it anyway. Police, and rehab people have a vested interest in seeing that drugs are kept illegal.

Dealers are in business, they go where the customers are. Plus, they don't care who gets hurt. What amazes me is that you realized your problem at such a young age, and took action. That's fantastic. Getting stuck in the revolving door is horrible, I have many friends right there with you. I think that every time you drop off, it gets a little harder to be serious and hopeful the next time you go in. As I'm sure you know - it's not the drugs that are the problem - much less the answer - it's the "hole in the soul." Wish you all the best, lalabugu - I know only too well how hard it can be.

i hadn't aclue about something you said, but you are now the 2nd person who has said this recently. i SERIOUSLY had no clue that at meetings like NA there are essentially dealers there just waiting for the break or the end of the meeting. i find that so SAD. Is there not a way for the ppl. who organize the NA meetings to assure that drugs are not on anybody, or am i being completely naive? Even though you fell off the wagon you are trying and that is very comendable, and i also think it is GREAT that u have np telling people you are an addict, it means you are not in denial and that you are fighting it and despite how some may judge you, to h e l l with them, it is a part of who you are that you are working VERY hard to change, KEEP going, i bet you'll suceed!! Best of Luck!!

Its not a confession, its a sad reality. My daily reality that seems to be eased a little by venting. Even to complete strangers. And thanks for the vote of confidence. Just have alot on my plate these past few days....and its starting to spill over. Know what I mean.