Roll the Dice, Live On the Edge

I love gas station food. I'm not talking about the regular bagged and canned snacks that sit for all time like Easter Island Heads at your local 7 - 11. Those are for chumps and those who are already at least subconsciously committed to trying to outlive their parents.

I don't fall into either of those categories. I'm a Culinary Adventurist. Imagine a fedora, an outback jacket, a pistol and a whip. Now imagine someone shorter, not as attractive and walking around with a pocketful of Rolaids and breath mints... welcome to the 21st Century, ladies. Stop holding your breath.

If you've ever stopped at the curved glass boundary that seperates you from countless stainless bins with a myriad of spicy scents and awkward pastel shades and thought, "Wow, there's a Subway right down the street..." the you, friend, are not an Adventurist.

When you order a Potato log and they say, "That's not a potato log," you should say, "Well, damn it man. It looks good and I want it in my styrofoam meat coffin."

We needn't be afraid of the consequences. Just the time you took to tie your shoelaces this morning could've added on enough time to your commute to put you right in that intersection where the cement truck is unable to stop. Don't die hungry or with any second thoughts about your gas station decisions besides indigestion, heart burn and possible salmonella.

Indigestion, heart burn and salmonella all have cures. Pfizer has yet to release it's much touted No-Regret Pill.

So please, join with me. Go to the counter and order all three colors of chicken. If they say its not chicken, well, that's the price you pay for living on the edge.

 

Dedicated to Upton Sinclair and Tom Jones

Chris

UnoriginalForumID UnoriginalForumID
31-35, M
38 Responses Mar 7, 2009

I haven't seen any about. Suppose it's not Hometowney enough here

Yuck. Raw Fish in Funktown. What about the Hometown IGA?

I just remembered that they sell sushi at Kroger here. Kroger is almost a gas station. It's certainly dubious.

Ah, White Castle was a religious experience for me. I first had it in Elizabeth, New Jersey last July during my road trip. It'll be in the next blog entry, I'm sure. Unless I get sidetracked again.

hahaha. I love that line. My memory is so shot that its fun to go back and read my stories since I just hammer them out when they're on my mind and forget about them just as quick. I still chuckle at them. Is that weird?<br />
<br />
Probably.<br />
<br />
But thats okay.

You had me at styrofoam meat coffin...

This was the 1st story I read of yours, <br />
and loved it!!<br />
Still do :)

lolbbq. I can't believe this story was less than 3 months ago. Time goes so fast...

Hey, ever seen a gas station selling sushi?

I hope their aim is true.. They went through enough goon training to at least have a half-truth of an aim. Speaking of aim, I should go brush my teeth.

I think you are all very silly.<br />
I am calling in the Goon Squad.

I am going to call tearaway Alison from now on. That is so much harder to sneak into comments though.

Damn it, Alison.

If only I had Elvis Costello on my side...

I'm overcooking waffles as we speak. Fear my wrath. It's not butter.

If you fling a stale waffle at me or gag me with a linty breath mint I'll shut up.

You're going to ruin my street cred! I'm trying to keep it real and you're trying to tarnish my hardcore image.

What kind of Culinary Adventurist only likes vanilla ice cream eh?

Yes, technically. But you have to eat one of their Veggimax patties just to make sure you're on rebellious side. It's the one that looks like an old, green hashbrown. You can do it.<br />
<br />
I'm totally watching The Goonies right now. I love this movie. I had such a huge crush on Kerri Green when I was younger.

Brat.

Besst.

Flark.

Don't I know it. They have sausages here like NZ has.. sheep.<br />
<br />
Look, think of a made up word with one syllable and then add wurst on the end. It probably exists as a sausage in Germany, and you might even find it at a gas station.

Lucky. Those Germans sure can fill an intestine with some meat chunks.

Wait, I meant BIO fuel. My bad.. ;) Good idea though, have you pitched it to anyone?<br><br />
<br><br />
I actually had a delicious sausage from a gas station yesterday. A bockwurst. it was German though, so I think they might be classier here. The mustard was darn hot though. Ouch.

haha. Yeah, I hear MSG burns hotter than the sun for up to a hundred years in a laboratory environment. We must be able to use these food preservatives to better our world. We should launch Chinese food into the atmosphere and detonate it to repair the hole in the ozone la<x>yer. It'll last for hundreds of years (but be hungry again twenty minutes later) and the world as we know it will be saved!

Eep chicken? That's pretty risque. Ahem, risky. My old work played it safe with sammies and cakes. And pies. We did a roaring trade in pies. I think some cars run on them? I'm sure I've heard someone mention Pie-o fuel in passing conversation.

Ha, you rebel. Now we know. I've actually never tried gas station nachos but I suppose I'm glad now. The station i'm most familiar with has Chester Fried Chicken... it's so wow. The chicken is obviously substandard but it hurts so good.

We actually leave the sandwiches for ten days after they're defrosted. I Know, I used to work at one of em skanky petrol stations. I don't think I signed anything preventing me from divulging all them food secrets. <br />
<br />
But I wouldn't touch the nachos if I were you.

You're too tame for a showtee on your birfday.

*** hangs head in shame***<br />
<br />
I am one of the unadventurous. I avoid the hotdog.<br />
<br />
I know that sounds dirty.<br />
<br />
I meant it to.

Most of those are stored frozen and only have a shelf life of 7 days once they're thawed... but there's really no telling if there's no date sticker from the store on it. They could be biblically skanky.

Okay, what about those sandwiches wrap in plastic?<br />
What is your guessimate on how log those have been around?

Damn it, intelligent people are cramping my scene! ;-)<br />
<br />
Thanks!

How many plain, naked dogs can you fit into a styrofoam coffin?

I used to be pretty attached to the Circle K Cheeseburger Dogs. If you're not sure what they look like then you're lucky. Wow, what a taste though. All coated in jalapenos and mustard. aghhhh.

And the hot dogs are such a lovely shade of green

Like I told you earlier, I used to work at a convenience store where we sold these horrible hot dogs. They were steamed and had a odd, light grayish-green tint to them. Men loved them. Women wouldn't go near them.