Feeling The Bliss

 

This is my first time writing about this and it feels weird

At the time I first read an Eckhart Tolle book, I had been living with extreme anxiety for some time. The anxiety and depression were felt incessantly throughout the day and made my life a misery. I had depersonalization, derealization (credits if you know what these conditions are :) ), depression, headaches, back-pain etc etc. I won't even bother to go into details, because it's enough to say that at times it just became unbearable. The feelings of fear were usually about my own existence, but it could also be about health, catastrophes and the like. A recurrent theme though was a futility I sensed in life itself. It was as if life hurt me each day, and I didn't see any point in it anymore.

I became an extremely negative person, although I have to confess, before this whole anxiety-story began, I had been a very positive and ... (a lack of modesty here) funny and humorous person. Of course, as things began to worsen, two main patterns of thought began to emerge: one was about the uselessness of everything and how the only solution can be suicide; the other was that... there is always hope and that whatever is that is bothering you, it is lived now and anything that happens now cannot be un-bearable. I struggled with these two things that kept coming and going out of my mind.

Then I got Eckhart Tolle's book, Practice the Power of Now (short comment: the book was a really good translation in my own native language, Romanian, and it did not include any story of how Eckhart came to be enlightened. When I read the book, I didn't have the faintest idea who this guy was). I read it and the most amazing, life-changing etc etc. thing happened. (another short comment: I had no idea about anything from Buddhist religion, what satori is... these were completely  foreign notions to me, and I was a convinced Western atheist for that matter). After I read the book, a very bad depression took over me. One of the worst I had. I remember sensing this immense burden that my life had become and thinking that the only reason I'm not ending it is for my parents and because I really care for them. As I was being in this state, there was this odd moment: I felt something really strange in my mind, actually-better said, in my brain. It was as if a "wall" had fallen. Sort of things that were making everything seem heavy and ugly just going away one by one. In about a minute what was left was a feeling of bliss and of being one with everything. Everything was colorful, beautiful and... alive. I had never seen such beauty in my entire life... but strangely, there was no space for awe or admiration... because I was no longer "me" in the old sense. I was... there and that's all. The feeling lasted for a couple of minutes. I was on the street at that time, so I just walked around looking at the people (who by the way looked immensely colorful and full of life), admiring the light cast by the sun and everything I stumbled upon on my way. Any thought that I had, I could feel it as a sort of energy in my body. After a while, I could sense more and more thoughts coming to my mind, and after several more minutes, I could feel the aliveness less and less. I began having the fear of losing this state and falling back to how I was... those were the thoughts coming to me. As you can easily guess, I went back to the old state in a relatively short time.

The next day, the same thing happened. I was crossing a bridge and suddenly, after a few seconds, the "wall" came off again and everything was beautiful and One. I was having my camera with me at that time and in that state I remember admiring the beauty of the light cast on the door of a church, and with utter delicacy setting my shutter speed and aperture and taking the photo with the greatest love and care I never thought myself capable of. Then it went away again. After that, the feeling reappeared again and again; this time I either felt myself as being behind the thought, being myself and present, or seeing everything "bright" again. I had feelings of utter joy, almost laughing because I could feel myself behind the thought, separate from it and finding this state somehow hilarious.

As I started to live a more normal life (the feelings of anxiety got better since now I felt there was something out there and that life is worth living), I joined a meditation club and began leading a meditation session every Friday. A lot of times, I feel overwhelmed by my own mind, since truth be told I'm one of those ADHD-ers with a terribly picky and demanding mind but the beautiful thing is that now there's some sort of "extra" thing I have within. Maybe I'm talking rubbish right now, but a lot of times I just "listen" to the spaces between my thoughts, look at empty space or try to take deep breaths to feel my body inside. That's my way of coping with it. Some days are bad, I feel completely useless although I know it's just my mind being loud again, but sometimes, I feel like myself again and have those amazing laughs... because I know that I AM.

ayounglearner ayounglearner
22-25, F
4 Responses May 13, 2012

Hi Addictedtoshit,<br />
<br />
Thanks for the encouraging message, it's very much appreciated. <br />
Probably you are right, I was kinda there, but ET's book gave me the good vibration I needed to clear up my mind and sense the real me. What I was really surprised about, was that I was looking for more people with similar experiences like mine. I don't know... I felt like just reading 'The power of now' would make anyone's 'wall' (or mask, if you wish) fall off. I haven't yet found anyone that had this, but... if anyone out there is reading this and has high anxiety/depression ... please read the book, it might make a BIG difference in your life.<br />
<br />
I tried to tell a few people in my life about what happened to me (my close family knows and 2 very good friends of mine), but no one seemed to really understand what I was talking about. Since this whole thing is virtually impossible to convey in words, it seems useless to tell my parents about living without conceptualizing things, when my whole explanation gives back answers like 'interesting...'. You know what I mean...<br />
<br />
Anyway, you'll see hopefully in this life, that the whole thing is absolutely hilarious. I bet when you reach the point you wanna reach, you'll laugh your heads out... seriously. My suggestion is to start meditating consistently and never stop reading books like 'The power of now'. Oh, and another thing... I found other stuff having similar effect to 'The Power of Now'... try for example Czeslaw Milosz's poetry for a change, it's really fascinating. When I stumble into things like these (ET's book or good poetry), I start seeing everything in 3D again and I immediately know that there is some truth in what is written.<br />
<br />
Good luck on your path too,<br />
D.

Just saw your reply now. Thought I would have got a message or something. I can sooooooo relate to the ones around you not understand

Understanding you.(cell phone malfunction) I have and am judged for what I have learnt and believe. Will get into it when i have some more time. Just know what you do. I do find some comfort in the fact that there are so few of us relatively speaking but yet we are.

I will check out th other author you suggest:) I know what you mean by wanting people to gain what we have from ET's book. I almost get frustrated abduction have to remind myself that things happen for a reason and all i need to do is be a channel for consciousness to enter this world and the rest will sort itself out. Been meditating for the past 5 years or so. On and off that is. I am still trying to do a 40 day challenge of 1 hrs a day:) Just try to be conscious and aware as often as possible when i do not find the time to meditate.. Great having someone who can relate. How do you try to live each day in awareness and what do you think your success rate is?

Hi,

Sorry I'm answering only now, I've had some changes going on in my life in the last month, and wasn't sure how to answer your question.

To answer your last question: I'm trying to remind myself of the present moment; pause mind-chatter and ask who is the one talking there in my brain; feel my body from the inside, take breaths and really feel that my mind is connected to my body only that I do not usually directly sense it.
I think you should find a way that best works for you. We all have our own preferences and each one of us is different.

What else can I say... My success rate? Well, debatable. I finally got rid of my anxiety-related issues (My goodness, I am cured !!!) which makes things somehow easier... I definitely jump to a higher vibration once in a while and sometimes can feel this wonderful life-energy. I have my days, as I guess everyone :-)

The basic difference is that I can no longer believe my mind-chatter. I just know it's not a big deal, and I don't complain any more which has improved my life greatly.

Good luck to you too!

1 More Response

You have gone through what I personally have been wishing for. I consider your path a gift in a way. The trade off was the suffering that pushed you to the edge. ET's book just happened to come to you at a time exactly when you needed it. I have not read any other book besides The power of now and a New earth over and over for the past four to five years. Each time i learn something New and feel the energy within. Keep reading them through conscious presence which you have naturally achieved. Like ET said the most important thing that could ever happen to you has taken place. And you know what it is which his awesome. Good luck on your path:)

Thanks :-) ... and hugs to you too.<br />
I agree that Eckhart Tolle's book beat any self-help book I could've read.

Yay that is very good of you. Both book indeed helpful and such an eye opening. Its not easy task to live with anxiety, but you already dealing it and you can keep it out of your life. *hugs*<br />
Also, another author that I think you may like is Deepak Chopra, the book is about yoga really but its more than that. Its about connecting your body, mind, and soul which is the secret of happier less stressful life.