Emo LifeMy entire life has been emo. I suppose I should feel lucky, I came out decent looking, got to play both sides of the gender spectrum, dated every possible thing, and found people who I consider to be true friends. However, I don't feel lucky.
On a day to day basis, nobody would look at me and say "Wow that person has a weird life," but if only they stepped inside my head for 1 minute they would know that my life is beyond bizarre. Honestly, I stay happy a lot now, which is a lot more than I could say this time 5 years ago, or 10 years ago. Still, I wake up every morning in an identity crisis that will not go away... and I know there is no cure for it.
Here's what's up:
I was born very different from my peers, and I knew this from the first moments I could remember. I didn't want to be a girl, I didn't want to be a boy... I simply wanted to have no gender. As a kid I would take things on a day by day basis... sometimes I played with dolls, sometimes I played with trucks, and sometimes I just sat there thinking. I remember being 5 or 6 and lying in my bed every night thinking what the **** is wrong with me, why can't I just be normal?
Well, puberty seemed to be anything but normal for me. I developed an unbelievably androgynous face and build. I was pencil thin, often accused of being anorexic, I never smiled, I never wore colors, and I hated that my body was choosing a gender. So, I decided to supplement myself with hormones, as desperate attempt to cure my gender ambivalence. At first I started taking testosterone, I hated it... so I quit. Then I began estrogen... I hated it, so I stopped. And that's been the pattern of my life now, swapping hormones over and over. Currently, my body has estrogen, which means I am presenting as female... This is the longest I've stayed as a consistent gender since I can remember. I went almost 2 entire years as female (new record =P), before swapping to male for a month, back to female for 5 months, male for a month, and female for the last 4 months. Most days I am fine with this, but on days like today... I long so bad to be a boy. I sat upstairs in my bedroom this morning, putting together outfits that looked boyish, trying to make myself look like a male. Outfit after outfit I started to realize that I am becoming stuck as female... this greatly bothers me.
To the people that know me, work with me and are associated with... I am just a normal girl. They have no idea that I have this secret desire to be a man at times. However, they also don't know that as a man I had a secret desire to be a girl. Had they known me a few years ago, in a different town, by a different name... they would have thought that I was just a normal boy.
I've switched my gender too many times to count... I've changed my name 3 times, and I've built relationships with people around each gender without them ever knowing what I really am. I've dated men, women, gay boys, lesbians and everything in between. I've gotten to be the super skinny, short haired, dressed in all black emo boy, and I've gotten to be the super skinny, long haired, crazy tights and makeup emo girl. I've been a male model, a female model and an androgynous model. I've been a college boy and a business woman, and traveled the country as both genders. In a sense you could say I've done it all... but in my mind I feel like nothing has been accomplished. I still sit here today, at my office, in my business woman attire... wishing so bad to live as male again. I know from experience, a few months as male, and I'll be right back where I am today. I don't think there is any solution for this.
I am her... or him... whichever gender you interpret this as =) From a recent photo shoot I did.
I didn't mean to depress anyone, but this has been my life... and it's getting a little annoying. It's hard to set goals when you don't know what gender you will be when you get out of bed the next morning. So, to lighten the mood, I will list some of my likes, dislikes, and differences between genders.
1. I ******* hate the women's bathroom. PLEASE don't talk to me when I'm in there, I'm not there to socialize =)
2. The worst part about being a male is the social restrictions in regards to emotion and cloths... especially cloths.
3. The worst part about being a girl is feeling vulnerable all the time. Too many times to count I have been scared to leave my house with the thoughts of "I sure hope I don't get raped, or kidnapped, or harassed by some horny loser guy today."
4. The best thing about being a girl is the ability to do anything, anywhere and it's deemed as cute, and funny.
5. The best thing about being a guy is not caring... you just wake up and go, it's such a blessing.
6. I like testosterone better than estrogen. Estrogen makes me emotional, insecure and needy. Testosterone makes me strive to be the best, emotionless and not care about anything... but it also makes me arrogant and an *******.
7. Both genders have their advantages and disadvantages... but after all my years of swapping genders, being the girl next door, and the cool popular guy that everyone loves, I can honestly say... boys have it easier in life.