Emo Life

My entire life has been emo. I suppose I should feel lucky, I came out decent looking, got to play both sides of the gender spectrum, dated every possible thing, and found people who I consider to be true friends. However, I don't feel lucky.
On a day to day basis, nobody would look at me and say "Wow that person has a weird life," but if only they stepped inside my head for 1 minute they would know that my life is beyond bizarre. Honestly, I stay happy a lot now, which is a lot more than I could say this time 5 years ago, or 10 years ago. Still, I wake up every morning in an identity crisis that will not go away... and I know there is no cure for it.
Here's what's up:
I was born very different from my peers, and I knew this from the first moments I could remember. I didn't want to be a girl, I didn't want to be a boy... I simply wanted to have no gender. As a kid I would take things on a day by day basis... sometimes I played with dolls, sometimes I played with trucks, and sometimes I just sat there thinking. I remember being 5 or 6 and lying in my bed every night thinking what the **** is wrong with me, why can't I just be normal?
Well, puberty seemed to be anything but normal for me. I developed an unbelievably androgynous face and build. I was pencil thin, often accused of being anorexic, I never smiled, I never wore colors, and I hated that my body was choosing a gender. So, I decided to supplement myself with hormones, as desperate attempt to cure my gender ambivalence. At first I started taking testosterone, I hated it... so I quit. Then I began estrogen... I hated it, so I stopped. And that's been the pattern of my life now, swapping hormones over and over. Currently, my body has estrogen, which means I am presenting as female... This is the longest I've stayed as a consistent gender since I can remember. I went almost 2 entire years as female (new record =P), before swapping to male for a month, back to female for 5 months, male for a month, and female for the last 4 months. Most days I am fine with this, but on days like today... I long so bad to be a boy. I sat upstairs in my bedroom this morning, putting together outfits that looked boyish, trying to make myself look like a male. Outfit after outfit I started to realize that I am becoming stuck as female... this greatly bothers me.
To the people that know me, work with me and are associated with... I am just a normal girl. They have no idea that I have this secret desire to be a man at times. However, they also don't know that as a man I had a secret desire to be a girl. Had they known me a few years ago, in a different town, by a different name... they would have thought that I was just a normal boy.

I've switched my gender too many times to count... I've changed my name 3 times, and I've built relationships with people around each gender without them ever knowing what I really am. I've dated men, women, gay boys, lesbians and everything in between. I've gotten to be the super skinny, short haired, dressed in all black emo boy, and I've gotten to be the super skinny, long haired, crazy tights and makeup emo girl. I've been a male model, a female model and an androgynous model. I've been a college boy and a business woman, and traveled the country as both genders. In a sense you could say I've done it all... but in my mind I feel like nothing has been accomplished. I still sit here today, at my office, in my business woman attire... wishing so bad to live as male again. I know from experience, a few months as male, and I'll be right back where I am today. I don't think there is any solution for this.

I am her... or him... whichever gender you interpret this as =)  From a recent photo shoot I did.

I didn't mean to depress anyone, but this has been my life... and it's getting a little annoying. It's hard to set goals when you don't know what gender you will be when you get out of bed the next morning. So, to lighten the mood, I will list some of my likes, dislikes, and differences between genders.

1. I ******* hate the women's bathroom. PLEASE don't talk to me when I'm in there, I'm not there to socialize =)
2. The worst part about being a male is the social restrictions in regards to emotion and cloths... especially cloths.
3. The worst part about being a girl is feeling vulnerable all the time. Too many times to count I have been scared to leave my house with the thoughts of "I sure hope I don't get raped, or kidnapped, or harassed by some horny loser guy today."
4. The best thing about being a girl is the ability to do anything, anywhere and it's deemed as cute, and funny.
5. The best thing about being a guy is not caring... you just wake up and go, it's such a blessing.
6. I like testosterone better than estrogen. Estrogen makes me emotional, insecure and needy. Testosterone makes me strive to be the best, emotionless and not care about anything... but it also makes me arrogant and an *******.
7. Both genders have their advantages and disadvantages... but after all my years of swapping genders, being the girl next door, and the cool popular guy that everyone loves, I can honestly say... boys have it easier in life.

VanSiamese VanSiamese
26-30, F
6 Responses Feb 11, 2012

<p>You have an amazing perspective you know something everyone is interested in, to some degree; "what it's like to be the other sex". You should definitely write a book, I think it would be huge.LOL</p>

While sexual characteristics tend to be black and white (the clear majority of people are born with completely male or female genitalia), gender itself is not so simple. Gender is an entire spectrum to look at. I don't think there is anything wrong with you for feeling as if you are neither one gender or another.<br />
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I was born male and live my life as a male, but I also spent a large percentage of time as a child and teenager being a girl. I considered HRT and transitioning and decided not to do it. Even so, I have had both male and female partners sexually.<br />
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Do I want to be one gender or the other? Sometimes I'm not sure. As for hormones, I have room to play with my hormones as well--medications I was taking killed my testosterone production several years ago and I showed allergic reactions to every form used for replacement: patches left red welts on my skin that took over a month to heal, gel had me break out in hives, and injections eventually left me with horrendous pain in my testicles to the point they were removed two years ago.<br />
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So I don't have testicles anymore to give me large testosterone production. Regular injections of testosterone leave me more horny than when I was 18, to the point it interferes with regular life. So I've taken to bouncing between testosterone and estrogen, mainly so I can keep my energy levels up.<br />
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Having played both sides of the fence as well, I can understand that each side has its advantages and disadvantages. Some times, I think someone like you is the lucky one who is able to bounce between the two sides.

Some days I do feel like the lucky one... but some days I just feel strange. I dressed up in a tank top, jeans and oxfords (my boy look) and went out on Saturday night... and I was approached by so many guys because they thought I was a tom boy. I ended up just submitting and letting them think I was trying to be a butch woman.... not the night i had expected

Feeling strange with it would be something I would expect. After all, you want to present one gender yet everyone treats you as the other. A lot of the problem comes from the fact that guys are expected to be bigger and more muscular with the 'butch' look everywhere. They are not expected to be petite and slim and have any feminine characteristics. On the other hand, women can dress in clothes that are masculine and push that gender boundary without being out of place. As such, it is hard for people to wrap their minds around a guy who could be petite and feminine looking as opposed to a woman who was doing a 'butch' or 'tomboy' look.

Very interesting comparison of the two genders. You are lucky to be able experience both. I don't really think boys have it easier, except when you are the "cool popular guy that everyone loves". Sure, girls are more vulnerable, but they will be worshiped by men, unless they are absolutely hideous.<br />
By the way, have you regretted FFS?

Haha oh you know a little more about me than most =) No, honestly, I think it was the best money I ever spent... I wouldn't take it back if I was offered 10Xs what I paid for it. I have horrible buyers remorse and buyers ambivalence when it comes to expensive things, but FFS is one thing where i'm confident it was worth every penny. My cats and piano being the only other two things I can think of =P

well my first thought was .... you want a bi-sexual guy... and then.. ofcourse u might not want to remain stuck with a guy. so...maybe u need like a bi-couple?? that'd be hot right?

I've tried that... didn't quite work out =( The girl became very jealous and things ended pretty quickly. It's all documented in another one of my stories =P

Not in as much dwtail as i would have liked... ;)

I had no idea that anyone could have such a struggle of gender identity in life. I'd heard many times about transgender, about starting out as one gender but having the overwhelming sense that it's wrong and beckons the need to be the other gender. But to be stuck in between? Wow.<br />
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I'm not looking at you as if you were some strange thing to be curious about. I empathize with your struggle. One can face a struggle of being in between and not knowing where to go. It can be in many different contexts. I have been in one myself. Do I live as a single person, or do I cross the bridge to living with someone else and starting a family? Do I practice one profession and become a master at it, or do I switch to something else... and keep switching, never mastering anything but being familiar with a wide spectrum?<br />
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There is the Yin/Yang of emotion and sexuality in all human beings. Some people are heavily fixated on one side, while others are able to appreciate both sides. As a man, I enjoy the strength of being the protector, of giving a safety net to the woman I'm with. And yet, I also enjoy being vulnerable with a woman, letting her take the lead, being the aggressive one while I submit.<br />
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It's truly amazing how each gender has its own advantages in society. The line is becoming more diffused in recent times, which is a good thing. In some respects, women have some enormous advantages these days, far far greater than in the past. The facilitation of social freedom is unparalleled, especially if you are a woman that is attractive inwardly as well as outwardly. Being male has long had its advantages, and yet although there are still some terrific aspects to being a man, he can never have some things that a woman has. First and foremost, the incredibly unique ability to bring a baby into the world. It's such a special bond. Secondly, the amazing resilience of the female body, that is so powerfully strong in some respects and so incredibly beautiful in others. Sexually speaking, to have a long flowing undulation of multiple *******, time and time again until one collapses into sheer exhaustion, is something a man will never experience. There are tantric techniques one can learn, whereby a man can have multiple *******, but I have to believe it's only a fraction of the kind of thing women experience.<br />
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What you need is to find an open minded man that is able to let you be male or female when you feel like it. Once you have that kind of unconditional love, you'll be able to truly embrace your nature. You do not realize what an incredible advantage you have had so far in life. To be so deep inside the life of both genders, and everything in between. Very few people get to experience that. Recognize the things that are worth appreciating in your circumstances, and your self esteem will rise considerably.

Thank you very much =)
I have found a man that I can do that with... although, I also struggle at times with 'Do I want to be with men, or do I want to be with women?" I guess that question will answer itself over time as well =)
The advantages that each gender has are so unique... but it also prompts the question, why are there only two choices... a man, or a woman? I don't feel like i'm either, and I'm sure there are many others like me. I've met many girls who dress as boys, and many boys who dress as girls, and I suspect they also wonder why do we classify ourselves in only 2 categories... categories that we don't even have a choice in really. I suspect if there were 3 or 4 definitions of gender that many people would live as I do, swapping back and forth between masculine and feminine, between skirts and pants, heels and dress boots.
I am content with my life, but I am also confused by it too. I wonder, where will I fit in as I get older?
You have a lot of insight, I greatly appreciate yourr reply =) I am going to send you a friend request

I just recently found this string, and find your situation to be very interesting.
I sympathize with you, regarding your lack of the ability to present as male when you would like, but like you I would like to be more able to present female and sadly cannot.
Just one thought has crossed my mind, and that is if you were to keep a selection of male clothes on hand that you could "rotate into " whenever the desire arises. (similar to us cross-dressers) then perhaps you will find a level of balance.
I know that sounds a little simple minded given the complexity of your situation........just a thought.

You're welcome. :-) Why are there only two choices? Well, there are only two physical genders, dictated by sex organs. But society has opened up quite a bit these days. There is the recognition of how people can have different sexual preferences, independent of their gender.

But what society has come to expect is that you are either one thing or another, that you have a sexual signature that others can recognize and come to know. Sometimes one changes... a guy who lived heterosexually reaches a point where he realizes he truly isn't and was just denying his homosexuality. It can have serious ramifications if he went so far as to have a wife and family. But what is most important is for him to do what he needs to do to be happy.

But then there's the ambiguous zone of bisexuality. I can understand how one person can be curious about the other sex, whether it be a woman who prefers men but loves to explore women occasionally, or a guy who is hetero but feels the need to dabble with a man sometimes. But to be split down the middle, where one can go either way... I don't really understand it. I once had a friend who was bisexual and struggled with this very thing. He professed that he is drawn more to men, but then he would still find himself sexually attracted to women.

Now, mix in the additional complexity of being cross gendered (a man living as a woman), it makes it even more confusing. When you're with a man, do you feel like you're a woman or a gay submissive man? When you're with woman, do you really feel like a man or like a lesbian? Only you can answer those questions, but then, maybe you can't really answer them?

This is the most incredible story I have read here, I hope everything works out for you