Lonely Effeminate Gay Longing For LoveI have always known that I am a soul trapped in the wrong body. The beginning of my life was a total mistake. I am all feminine but my body.
Since I was a kid, all my playmates were girls and sometimes I would try my mum's bra, my sis' nail lacquer without their knowing. I fantasised myself with handsome masculine men. I even read my sis' love novels and fantasised myself as the female protagonist.
In the schools, I was always a subject of ridicule due to my feminine way of thinking, speech and acts. Subject to pressure, I tried to conform to male schoolmates to no avail. Everything is so natural for me to be feminine. I do not realise something I do is feminine. I felt uncomfortable to be aware of and to restrict my actions. I do not feel myself as having connection with men with manly thinking thus do not feel like mingle with them. I feel myself more comfortable with female friends and not-so-sexist male friends. Thus it ended up I always appeared in typically female community and groups rather than male's. As a result, I always got taunted be it intentional or unintentional and I really do not feel good about it. I care about how people look at me and what people say about me. Therefore I always avoided to be with girls but more of them kept on entering my life. (I always think it is a bad karma on me where my life is often surrounded by females although I do not wish for it. Until now too, although always long for men to turn up in my life, but it is still women who are turning up. I can only attribute this to my aura which attracts female rather than male).
During my school time was the time my inferiority complex started to develop. Due to this "abnormality" (of being feminine) that I have, I always avoid people. I avoid to be around females but at the same time could not mingle with male friends. So all in all, I avoid basically everybody and always end up alone. I sort of developed psychological barrier in mixing with people. I always care how they feel about me. I can't even accept myself, how can I expect others to accept me for who I really am. Therefore all the time I am alone. At times I would feel lonely but those days occupied with activities I did not really feel anything wrong about it. At times too I enjoy being alone as this is the time I can really be myself. I always too imagined myself living alone until the last day of my life. This was how I thought until recently. I suddenly felt a strong urge to look for love and a life partner. Perhaps it is nature's calling for somebody of my age to start looking for a soulmate. I started to long for love and company from someone. I feel sour when I see couples around me. The problem is here. I can't love a woman but attracted to men. At this point, I feel myself very lonely and pity having no like-minded friends to talk about this and not the slightest idea whether I can and how to find someone who will love me and whom I can love. Will a man or a manly gay like feminine gay like me? Will I find my Mr. Right and how? Will I be able to find people who are like me or have the same experience to talk about this and be friends? I always cry, pray hard and ask these questions but to get no answers from anyone.
I am glad I found a platform here to express myself, to be my true self temporarily after suppressing for so long. For 20 something years, I have been keeping all these to myself. Now that I am currently working in Singapore, I really hope to have friends of the same kind to share my feelings and find my true love.
Will my dream come true or will it remain as hope?......