Desperate For A Blood Test

When I three years old, I was afraid of needles, just like many other kids.
But that changed after the first time I decided to be brave. I saw how blood was taken from
my mother and in some way it was fascinating and scary at the same time. The most curious thing was
that it didn't seem to bother her at all. I liked that and thought I must be able to be as calm as my mother,
and when I was seven I got my next shot: a tuberculosis test. It hurt, but it was wonderful. I felt a hero for
not crying. I began to long for the feeling of metal penetrating my skin. And this went on for years: longing for
shots of all kinds. Small needles or big ones, the place they were stuck, it didn't matter to me.
I did not have the desire for drawing blood in particular. A girl at my school felt the same way, and we discussed
a it a lot, but I think it was me who always started talking about shots and needles, and the other girls were eventually
done with the subject.
Then one day J (one of my classmates)told me she got her blood taken and I went absolutely mad with jealousy.Then my aunt told me she was a blood donor.
My cousin told me she had an allergy test.
My uncle was proud of his large veins.
And so on.
All of a sudden my entire family were sharing their experiences with each other, and I felt like a virgin not being able
to agree or disagree with the fact that, for examples, blood tests hurt.
When I was thirteen, I became really obsessed with it. I began to think of reasons why I needed a blood test, and I did
feel tired and I was quite pale, that was not even an excuse. But my mother bought some iron-rich foods for me and it worked.
At first I did not want to take it but I guess my mother would begin asking questions, and she did not know about my
obsession. I couldn't think of other ways to accomplish. Then I had a pneumonia and my mother said they were going to test my
blood, and I neutraly said 'oh, ok, that's fine' and I thought 'yes, yes!'
But they weren't. I just got some antibiotics.
I had a few shots those years, a little lidocaine shot at the dentist's and a vaccination. But I wanted my blood taken!
When I was eightteen, I still felt tired and I knew very well that I was stressed out and nervous because of circumstances,
it confused me: did I need a blood test or did I want a blood test?
I decided to tell my doctor half of the story: I just felt tired. I desperately wanted my to have my blood taken and I did
not want to be disappointed again. He took my bloodpressure and did some other tests.
Then he got the lab form and I was really excited.
After I closed the door I felt like a kid looking at a large bowl of sweets, but I didn't want anyone to notice. Immediately after that
I felt really bad because deep inside i knew I was not sick. But I pushed that feeling aside.
Then a few days later I went to the lab. I had to wait a few minutes.
Then this woman took me to a little room. I was a bit nervous, and I was thinking two things all the time: 'oh ****, I don't need this,
I'm a liar' and 'look, it's happening to me! Enjoy it!'
And I did enjoy the whole experience, I liked the feeling of the needle going into my vein really quickly, the sight of the three vials
of darkred blood, and even the hematoma I got afterwards, because it reminded me of my very first blood draw. It was on my arm for a week
and I couldn't stop looking at it. I even did not throw away the cottonball and kept it safe as a treasure.
I called for the test results and I turned out to be completely  healthy. I hated myself for being obsessed and I set fire on all the stuff
I collected over years that had something to do with blood tests and blood drawing really thought I was finished with it.
But then I felt really empty inside and didn't know what to think of before sleeping.

After a long period I decided I wanted to become a blood donor too, I thought it was the best way to get over it. I have had obsessions
before and they were all gone by 'doing something with it'. I knew donating blood is a very responsable thing, so I had my doubts on it.
But I was physically healthy and I did not do dangerous things like having unsafe sex, so I finally did it.
The first time donating blood was a wonderful experience. It felt so good. Not only the large needle that was in my arm for seven minutes.
It was a wonderful idea that my blood could save a life. I was on cloud nine for a few weeks.
Four months later I got my second call from the blood bank, but I didn't feel well and I still don't.

I felt ok with donating blood because I know I can have my blood taken every four months, and that's enough for me.
But now I don't feel healthy and I can't donate and my doctor doesn't know what to do (of course I was hoping for a blood test but so far I
did not need one) and I never, ever want to lie or conceal again. I guess my first experience made me a very honest person.
Again, I am not going to fake a disease, lie about my health at the blood bank, stick myself or whatever.
But now I've ended up really desperate, I just have to feel that needle going into my skin, it feels so horrible and lovely.
The inside of my elbow has become a holy place, it's like a needle G-spot to me. Veins arouse me more than any other body part.
I feel like a freak and I think it's possible to get over it, maybe after ten times donating or so it's done. but as I said, I can't
donate at the moment. So I'm just hoping for some recognition for now. Though I feel like I'm fooling myself, this obsession has been
very persistent. It's harder to get over this than a drug addiction, because it's hard to stop doing something but even harder to stop
thinking something! I've tried to distract myself with reading, making jewelery, programming, cooking and so on, but it only works
so much.
Thanks for reading, I'm hoping for your comments.

note: if my English is bad, please laugh about it instead of being annoyed.


fabulous73 fabulous73
26-30, F
8 Responses Feb 21, 2010

You have a Needle Fetish

haha me too, blood is very erotic to me aswell

You're welcome:-) <br />
Thanks for your nice comment. I'm glad to hear my story has been such a great help to someone.<br />
Can you say you enjoyed the experience a bit, or is that too hard?<br />
Also, I hope you are well and you don't have severe health problems.<br />
<br />
<br />
In the country where I live, there's no such thing as phlebotomy. You can be a medical assistant,<br />
a nurse or a lab technician, and that's not what I want to do. I'm a bio informatics student now, and I'm fine<br />
with computers;-) but I guess if there was a phlebotomy school here, I would certainly have thought about it. <br />
<br />
<br />
Though the lab-tech school is in the same building as bio informatics, so maybe I could find someone who wants to <br />
practice on me:-D I haven't donated blood for almost a year now, which is really a shame.

I just wanted to say thank you so much for posting this. I have a major fear of needles and I had to get my blood drawn today. After reading your story I found myself not afraid at all. I was able to get my blood drawn and be perfectly fine. I think that you might be interested in being a phlebotomist, because they draw blood from people. That might also give you the same satisfaction or thrill that you get when you have blood drawn. Just an idea. Thanks again!

Thank you.<br />
<br />
Well, I realize the drug addiction thing was a bit dangerous to say. <br />
I mean it's harder to quit having thoughts than to quit an action. But I know what lies beneath<br />
a drug addiction is also thoughts and feelings, so I guess you are right:-)<br />
<br />
It would be great if I could enjoy blood draws instead of craving them.<br />
I've already found a therapist who can help me with this, but I would love to know people who feel the same so I don't feel alone with it! Thanks again,<br />
<br />

message me anytime

lol wow i dont think its worse than a drug addiction your lucky your not addicted to drugs but you need to get some help from somebody whether it be a counselor therapist or phyciatrist trust me i know how u feel i used to cut my self and loved the sight of my own blood when i was angry but i have stopped for the most part but i cant tell the future i guess it will always be a part of you and that you should keep distracting yourself too

oops, i wrote 'i am going to fake a disease' but of course I mean 'I am not going to fake a disease'!