Oh God! Oh Yes! Do It Again!

Here are a few tips on giving women intense pleasure, culled from years of interacting with women. 1. Put the seat down. 2. Take out the trash. 3. Do the dishes. 4. Put the remote on the coffee table. 5. Don't wear hats indoors. 6. Make it home before you pass out drunk. 7. Don't scream out the names of old girlfriends when you're climaxing. 8. If you're going to wipe your nose on a shirtsleeve, make sure it's your shirtsleeve. 9. Ask for directions if you're lost. 10. Don't start a garage band if you're older than 22.
ElLagarto ElLagarto
56-60, M
33 Responses Jul 11, 2007

I sooo agree!

If you got 1-9 you're a Prince!

yeah, i'd say so. :-D i'd recommend steering clear of anything that sends the message, "i'm losing my attraction for you." but i'm no expert. and i probably have a weird perspective on most things.

Maybe subconsciously. I met the guy, he was an arrogant idiot - and she was the type who tolerated a lot of abuse. <br />
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I suppose a scale would be another ill-advised Christmas gift.

lol. did he WANT to be divorced? i guess that's a quick & easy way out!

Meggers - true story. My boss year ago. Her husband gave her the "Buns Of Steel" video for Christmas. They were divorced in a year!

Addenda:<br />
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Stop hoarding your old Playboy magazines and telling her, "But they're collector's items! We can make a fortune selling them on Ebay!"<br />
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Don't give her the DVD "Buns Of Steel" for Christmas. (I know someone who did this!)<br />
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If she manges to drag you to a play, do not shout out impassioned advice to the actors like - "Dude, look behind you, he's got a knife."

i agree w/ #7. as for #10, it makes me profoundly sad, & even a bit angry, that someone would put a time-limit on someone else's dreams. what's wrong w/ starting a garage band in your 30s, 40s, 50s & above? some of us who have been busy doing other things won't have the chance to start our bands 'til we're much older. i, for one, plan to become a musician in my 80s if possible.

i agree w/ #7. as for #10, it makes me profoundly sad, & even a bit angry, that someone would put a time-limit on someone else's dreams. what's wrong w/ starting a garage band in your 30s, 40s, 50s & above? some of us who have been busy doing other things won't have the chance to start our bands 'til we're much older. i, for one, plan to become a musician in my 80s if possible.

i agree w/ #7. as for #10, it makes me profoundly sad, & even a bit angry, that someone would put a time-limit on someone else's dreams. what's wrong w/ starting a garage band in your 30s, 40s, 50s & above? some of us who have been busy doing other things won't have the chance to start our bands 'til we're much older. i, for one, plan to become a musician in my 80s if possible.

i agree w/ #7. as for #10, it makes me profoundly sad, & even a bit angry, that someone would put a time-limit on someone else's dreams. what's wrong w/ starting a garage band in your 30s, 40s, 50s & above? some of us who have been busy doing other things won't have the chance to start our bands 'til we're much older. i, for one, plan to become a musician in my 80s if possible.

Well good lawdy miss claudy, that was raw.

11. Wash your testicles every now and then. Ball Stink is NOT rugged and Manly...its just ball stink.

Sorry about those depths - Ms. Bipolar Bear. Sounds like you made it through - praise be. So many of us don't. Sometimes I feel that it is my duty to speak on their behalf. (When I found out that the #1 cause of death among Bipolar is suicide, I was horrified.)

Man you really are good. Well, one can hardly suffer with manic depression for 30 years without a little drama. I assume you're referring to the prison time, the various visits to mental hospitals, that sort of thing?

There's nothing unconscious about my desire to be a writer, I am a writer. (Invisible Driving - Alistair McHarg - Amazon.com) Get it now, while supplies last.<br />
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Never liked Hemingway, misogynist, blowhard, fraud. He was Bipolar - just like me. Unlike me, he killed himself. I like Fitzgerald much more, superb writer. He was an alcoholic, just like me. Unlike him, I stopped drinking. Writers really are very odd creatures.

You darn EPeeps are so smart. I was going to say - Rise to the occasion - which would have been the most appropriate phrase to use there - but then I thought - oh man - they will die laughing over that one - so let's look for a metaphor that's more innocuous - and went with the standard - a rising tide lifts all boats - and got snagged on that one too! So you think I'm dramatic in my speech - huh? I just love the language - it's my thing. Language - humor - music - my 3 mistresses. Don't worry - I don't fancy myself Bertrand Russell- I'm just another shmo from Kokomo.

rofl!

Men are fixated on the idea that we are never good enough in the eyes of women. Men imagine women as always needing "something" to improve the quality of their lives. If - for a moment - you can convey the idea that - all things considered - despite the glaring flaws - you are happy that the two of you are still together and that - in some odd way - you actually feel quite lucky - I would say the environment could be conducive. As a rule, it's always a good idea to treat men as though they're a bit better than they actually are - sometimes the rising tide lifts the boat. Bon chance!

There, there Dinger, don't pity us - we'll be all right. (Sniff, sniff.) I think you make a great point though - it is so hard to break out of stereotypes and see things as they are. I have been blessed in that I am able to have female friends - and male friends - and see women as - Gasp! - human beings - not merely mythological creatures peeled from glossy magazine and billboards. - I'm with you on overpopulation - but one sex! Yikes - that's a thought that could depress a clam. Vive la difference.

I feel sorry for straight people.<br />
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I don't mean that in a smug way or a flip way - hopefully El knows me enough to know that's true.<br />
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But in the simple sense that there is cultural conditioning that magnifies gender differences, I think men and women end up polarized way more than they need to be or than their natural proclivities would incline them to be.<br />
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It's just a load of crud couples have to wade through in the process of finding their equilibrium.<br />
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(And I'm sure not proposing everyone should switch to same sex - although the resulting population plummet may be good for the planet in the long run. No, there's plenty of gender role confusion and good old relationship messiness there as well.)

Well I'm a man, so I feel that I should defend my brothers, but candidly, for a man, foreplay is a pulse. We are simple creatures, really, with simple needs and wants.

Well, certainly true - and don't think we're not grateful - not that we could tell the difference. The problem is, washing drawers ISN'T foreplay for us.

I once heard a shrink say, "For women, when a man takes out the trash, that's foreplay."

Oh, you mean something easy like, Generic?<br />
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"Oh, that's good, Generic, you know what I like Generic, I'm yours Generic, you got the love, Generic."

Re #7. I recommend a Post-It note.<br />
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Rock on Mr. Dodo - I really enjoy your postings! Happy Friday the 13th.

Does it help to write the correct name on their forehead to remind you re: number 7? As soon as I know, I shall run off to get these pearls of advice tattooed onto my left forearm!!! :D

I think this is the best I've heard yet lol.

there are many of them out there; some of which are pretending to be in a covert operation living a 'different' life, some of which are taken, some of which refuse to admit to any of this, some of which well ... let's just say ... girls aren't their type ... of which i have no trauma with until there's a shortage of 'straight' men! hehe

#7 - it just slipped out...and no self respecting man will ever do #9: I am never lost and always know where I am - we can only be pushed so far....as for the rest I already have learned those lessons.....

I'm sorry, I should have been more specific. I didn't mean you in particular. I have no idea what you want. I simply meant that there is a world of difference between what men want women to want and what women actually do want. As to moving somebody into my field - I'm sorry - I just don't know what this means.

Get a private room, you two! I smell flirting! ( or am I wrong?) ;P

There's a vast ocean between what you want and what I want you to want.