Halloween Costumes That Transform Women Into Sex Kittens
Work for an employer who filters out images of young, nubile, acrobatic ladies earning an honest buck on the Internet? Here’s a workaround: Google “female Halloween costumes.”
No kidding, its seriously hot stuff.
What is up with all the sex-kitty Halloween costumes? I like eye candy as much as the next guy, but I also feel bad for all the ladies out there who simply want to join in the fun of dressing up for a night and being someone else.
All they're allowed to be, apparently, is cold.
It’s weird that nearly every costume out there for the XX side of humanity is designed to expose, titillate or otherwise suggest women are sex toys. For instance:
Look up doctor and nurse costumes, and I’ll guarantee you that all the doctors are dudes armed with a white robe and stethoscope. Women get stuck with the skin show.
If it's not nurses we seem intent to fetishize, it's cops.
Police agencies throughout the nation really should consider equipping their policewomen with uniforms such as these. It'd make getting my monthly traffic ticket all the more palatable.
Imagine if all our female civil servants showed a bit of midriff above their too-tight civil-servant shorts. Oh wait, I just did. Never mind.
Why would anyone want to dress up as a maid for Halloween?
Maybe it's ironic and funny when the uber-powerfully rich dress up as one -- if you're uber-powerfully rich yourself.
Don't get me wrong: Without maids cleaning up after the rich, we probably wouldn't have the super economic success we're experiencing today.
Examine the psyches of dudes, and we'll quickly understand why they want ladies to dress up as the women who clean their toilets. But why would a women ever agree to it? INAPPROPRIATE.
Speaking of inappropriate:
Nun Too Sexy
Go ahead, oggle the wife of God. I'm sure he doesn't mind. That's right, the woman who chose to forego sex in order to marry a deity. It's not like he's a jealous God or anything.
"For I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God..."
Oh yeah. That.
I don't care how young a nun can be -- as long as I live and breathe, they're too old to scope out. That lady to the left? I don't even know what she looks like.
(By the way: You're going to hell for looking at her.)
Nuns are one thing -- schoolgirls, on the other hand, take us into another realm of disturbing.
First off, even the nastiest 16-year-old Catholic schoolgirl doesn't wear this sort of thing. And don't give me that whole "it's an exaggeration" crap. Schoolgirls are "sexy" because they wear not-very-revealing clothes.
Second, uh...How do I put this delicately?
Not many women would actually want to wear this out and about in public and I applaud them for not exposing their bellies to me. BRAVO!
Third, Schoolgirl. Schoolgirl. That's it.
Wait, no, that's not it:
Little Red Riding Ho
Who thought of this?
Yes, I know it's not new. I know Little Red Riding Hood -- a naive little girl who ends up having a close encounter of some sort with a wolf -- has been the subject of many pervy old dudes' icky fantasies for decades now.
But who thought it was a good idea to make a costume for women so they could dress up as a child and...
Oh, I think I just answered my own question.
None of these costumes feature pants or full dresses. The dude who designs these costumes knows that, for a lady to truly enjoy Halloween, she needs to dress up in a skirt, dress or short shorts.
Pirates never wore skirts, but they should have because of all the BOOOOOOO-TAY!
Booty? Captain Booty? Ha ha. Oh ho. I can barely breathe here. Get it?
Because "Booty" is what both pirates and hip-hop stars from the 1990s like.
That's the joke in its entirety. Which makes me wonder who's naming the costumes? The only thing worse than Captain Booty would be something like, oh, I dunno, let me Google and see if --
"You see, what we really have here," said the creator of Captain Booty as he chomped on his too-wet cigar. "Well, it isn't just a costume."
"It isn't?" wondered his wimpy underling.
"NO! This is gold. It's a franchise! Quick! What other costumes can we come up with that uses the B word?"
"Uh... Boot Maker?"
"Hmmm... throw a short skirt on a cobler? Not bad, not bad. What else?"
Of all the costumes in this list, nothing makes my skin crawl like "Pocahottie."
It's not clever. It's not just stupid. It's offensive.
Hell, "Pocahottie" is pretty much the epitome of everything that's wrong with the Halloween costume industry. Clearly, the people running it are not aware how wrong.
If you suspected the industry was not attracting talent from top-tier colleges, you were correct.
On behalf of all the rest of humanity, I apologize to Native Americans everywhere for the antics of the half-wits churning out this crap.