Letting Out Your Demons

I was 17, that was over six years ago. I remember buying discog of the first screamo band I ever got into. pg.99. Totally destroyed my view on what aggressive music was. I had been going through a grind/noise and death metal phase, everything seemed pissed off enough but something was lacking. I was angry but none of the songs said why. I was angry at the world, angry at people, angry at the fake bastards who ruined shows for me. More than anything I was furious that I felt so alone. I was so familiar with that one spot in my room by my stereo. I placed the cd in the stereo of my car, wondering if it would be as intense as my friend claimed it would be. The opening chaos of "goodbye, face" screamed out at me and I was just in awe at how destroyed, angry, and sad the music was. I knew this band had broken up and immediately I felt cheated. I swore to find the next band that would completely rearrange my thought of music and my journey of screamo and local music began. As the years dragged on I tore through Jerome's Dream, i hate myself, Antioch Arrow, Kodan Armada, Saetia, Orchid, Circle takes the Square, and countless other bands. I went to show after show after show, The Critic, La Mi Vida Violenta, L'Antietam, Whale Tape, Daniel Striped Tiger, Sinaloa, Ampere, E Tu Brute, and many others. The passion never left me and only grew stronger every day.
Later on I created my own band, with the expressed purpose and intent of being everything I wanted a band to ever be. Not screamo as I knew it (and certainly not how you kids think of it today) but something more raw, more violent. I took every sound I could think of and fused, hammered, and bent shards of sound into pieces of music to represent my rage, loneliness, and frustration. Sometimes bringing in extra musicians to round out the sound. At one point we had seven members on stage. Most importantly I was able to play music that I loved, art for the sake of art, and I didn't care if I played for the doorman. I still don't. The band fell apart after eight amazing months and two albums. Our heavy drug use, heavy drinking and violent (occasionally) infighting were heavy factors, but I soldiered on because I had passion, and passion is never passe. My new band will recreate the spirit of my old one but old ghosts have to stay dead. I guess what I'm trying to say with all this is through this music I found an identity and a belief that if I reached just one person per show, it was all worth it. I lived for that one kid who made their way up to the stage when we were done playing and said, "you guys are really cool." To me that was more important than the three or four bucks we got for playing. It was all about that outlet of pent up emotions and the knowledge that I helped a few people make their existence a little better. You can too. Scream until you're coughing up blood, and then scream some more.