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It's A Cycle

It has been nearly a year since I met him.  He came onto me very subtly, but I just knew we would end up dating from the first conversation we had.  We just clicked.  He was my first boyfriend as well, and since I’m a very insecure, shy girl I felt like he was the only guy I could ever belong to.  He was caring, compassionate, chivalrous, shared my morals, and he never ran out of things to say.  He always took care of me, and I tried to be there for him as best as I could.  Then something changed.  After being together for two months he would forget he was supposed to meet up with me, and he would run out of things to say.  When I confronted him about it he said he just had a lot on his mind and didn’t feel like himself, but he said we were fine.  A week later I invited him to visit me and meet some of my family over winter break, and he suddenly he just said “we need to talk”.  That’s when I knew he would break up with me.  He came to see me in person, but we just walked around not saying anything at all.  He eventually admitted he would never have feelings for me except for friendship.  I was devastated.  I refused to cry in front of him, and just told him to leave.  I still can’t understand it.  I felt love for him.  There must have been some kind of meaning when we would lay together and stare in each other’s eyes,  he would kiss me passionately, and we would hug and just stay like that…he never wanted to leave.  I just thought he was genuine, it seemed like he really had feelings for me.  If there was anybody who I could trust, who would never hurt me, I thought it would be him.  Now I’m not sure if I’ll be able to trust anybody in a relationship.  A month after he broke up with me we decided to try to be friends.  I pretended like nothing had happened between us, because I wanted to be with him, I wanted any time I could have, because when he wasn’t  there I was depressed and when he was I had an emotional high.  Even if he was there for me just as a friend I was just happy he was there at all.  I would joke with him, and lie to him to make him think I liked another guy.  Why?  Because I wanted him to be honest and warn me if he had feelings for another girl, and I wanted him to keep talking to me.  One day we had a conversation about the impact we had on each other’s lives.  I told him I learned so many things from him and he would never know how much.  He said I taught him to be constantly aware of his emotions, and he wouldn’t rush into anything again.  Then three days later he is suddenly in a relationship with a girl who is a lot like me.  She is introverted, has the same interests as me, same major, she even has a similar appearance.  What drove me over the edge is not only the incredible jealousy, but the fact that he lied to me again by trying to hide that he was in a relationship. I told him I was angry, and still had feelings for him, which is why I wasn’t going to talk to him for a while.  I kept my word. I haven’t talked to him. I thought it would help me move on and feel better.  I was wrong.  I feel so helpless.  What do I do?  Subconsciously I can’t stop thinking about him.  He is in my dreams, and nearly every thought I have.  To him I was just a rebound girl.  He hasn’t tried to apologize to me, and the sad truth is that I doubt we will ever speak again.  After all of that I have been trying to improve myself to be more appealing to the opposite sex.  I’m starting to hate myself because I’m becoming like him.  I’ve been flirting with guys that I don’t have feelings for just to make myself feel wanted, and I irrationally think I could make him jealous enough to want me back because I want to have the pleasure of denying him the way he denied me.  So you see my thoughts are all very confusing and contradictory.  I wish I could forget everything and just live for myself and I’m really trying, but he haunts me.  A vivid memory of him will resurface everyday and drop my mood.  As bad as it sounds I feel like the only way I will move on is if I find a rebound guy, but I don’t want to do that…I’m just afraid that it will happen anyway.  How do I break this cycle of pain?
toragirl toragirl 18-21, F Jun 3, 2011

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