We met online. I had a picture posted of myself with a sign that said, "You don't like cats, you don't like me." He loves cats, and he posted a comment about it. We decided to meet later that day. I never really had gotten a better look at him before, as his pictures didn't do him justice. I realized how gorgeous he truly was when I got into the car. He has these huge blue eyes, and brown hair that flips perfectly around his face. He is so proportionate to the rest of his body. His strong hands, so careful, they never shake. He has the most gentle voice, yet manly also. In my eyes, he was flawless.
We began driving around the country side. We spent hours just driving, and talking about our lives, our hopes, our dreams, our fears, our regrets. I had never felt so open with a person before. I could tell in his eyes how genuine he was when he told me all of these things. We parked his car at the side of the road. We were completly alone, in solitude. Peace and quiet, the way we both knew we liked it, even though we never mentioned this to eachother. We shared cigarettes and stories. We listened to the radio, and sang along together; belting out the lyrics and laughing. We took a walk in the meadow beside where we parked, ran through the flowers. It was surreal, like nothing I have ever experienced before. We lay together on the top of his car, we watched the stars creep out, he showed me the constellations he knew. He kissed me. He was the best kisser I have ever kissed in my whole life. Our lips fit so perfectly together. We knew how to move together, he stroked my hair, I held his face in my hands. We made love under the stars that night, we had achieved this perfect bliss together. We drove to a covenience store, and he held my hand, as we smiled at eachother, like two children, sharing a moment nobody else could even touch. When he drove me home, he didn't want to leave. We kissed, and kissed and kissed. Until finally, I left the car, and he drove away into the night. I dreamed about him that night, and every single other night up until this day. I cannot get him out of my mind no matter what I do.
The weeks unravelled after that. We spent days in my bed; watching Skins, drinking tea, playing in the reeds by the pond, getting high, making pictures, talking as often as possibly, confinding everything in eachother. We fell asleep together, dreamed of eachother while we were in eachother's arms. Even when we didn't fall asleep together in the same bed, we made a habit out of leaving our webcams on all night, so it was like we were falling asleep together. Whoever would fall asleep first, we would tell stories to eachother, express our deepest thoughts and emotions in the most descript detail, rant coherently about past aches and pains.
One day, as we sat in the meadow beside where we first kissed, I asked him if he had ever considered making me his girlfriend. He explained to me that he wasn't ready for a relationship, that patience was a virtue, and he would happily when he felt the time was right. Although annoyed, I kept it to myself. I couldn't understand what the hell he was talking about, the time was perfect, we were perfect. As I think back now on this day, I think about how illogical it was for me to begin doubting his feelings for me, second-guessing the months we had spent together. But, you can't take things back.
Things continued in these sorts, just softened over time. We spent less time together, talked just as often though. I began to convince myself that what I had felt wasn't real, as much as I had wanted it to be. That I was being naive.
I went on a casual date with a man and a few of his and my friends to a halloween party. We drank, got high, partied the night away. I had a brief conversation with a man of 20. He was very handsome, but technically as I was there with someone else, I had to let him go for then. A few weeks later, he had found me on facebook and told me how beautiful he thought I was. We decided to meet up again. We made casual talk, smoked cigars. All in all, it was a nice, simple night. He was a nice, simple man. He kissed me. It felt nice, but nothing like when Travis had kissed me. Travis was his name also, I forgot to mention that.
Later that night after I got home, I called Travis. I asked him what he thought if I dated another person, and he told me that He did not care, and would be happy whatever decision I made. I was hurt by this. I was hurt that he didnt want to fight for me, but respected his decision. As I was settling into bed, his IM popped up on msn, and he said that he had lied. That he would care if I was with someone else, because he had strong feelings for me, but he wasnt going to stop me. Again, his lack of initiative to fight for me hurt me. I knew that if he tried to leave, I would fight relentlessly for him, I wouldn`t let something go that felt this good. I was hurt and didn`t know how to react properly, so I decided to try to let go slowly, and be with the other man. The simple man.
As me and this other man got to know eachother more, I began to realize what a good person he was. I was having a lot more trouble than I imagined letting go of Travis. We had begun seeing eachother more again, and the feelings just grew heavier upon us. But the feelings the other man had for me began to grow more and more each day also. I did care about him, but not in the way I did for Travis. I had been in long term relationships before, and this was absolutely nothing like them. I cannot thoroughly explain still the feelings I have for him.
But I did feel guilty. I felt like I was lying to this other man. So, one night, acting out of pure impulse and confused thoughts, I told Travis we couldn`t continue what we had. Needless to say, he poured his heart out then. He told me that he thought about me all day long, and knew he dreamed about me just couldn`t remember the clarity that I could in mine. He asked me why I thought he told me constantly all the different things he loved about me. He told me he had practically threw his heart out at me, and told me he loved me. We both broke down that night. We shared more and more of our hurt together. He began to tell me of these inner-demons inside of him. Like the whole angel vs. devil. He wanted to be a good person for his mother, he wanted not to do drugs, he wanted to do the right thing, he wanted to make me his because he was aware of how perfect we were for eachother. But at the same time, he couldn`t let go of his old self, he couldn`t let down the walls he had built, he couldn`t stop getting high because it felt so good. He had convinced himself at 20 years old, that he was born to die alone.
Whilest bickering one night, he told me to shut up, and that he loved me. He told me to get a job and save up, and we would get an apartment together with our kitties. I was over the moon, and so was he. Everything seemed to be falling back into place for us.
I took a pregnancy test that came up positive this morning. My heart sank because I knew it was his. I figured that he had the right to know, and I told him. He freaked out, told me that I complicate everything, that if I was pregnant he was going to kill himself, and that I was a *****. I lashed out back because we had discussed this before, and he told me that if I was going to get an abortion that he would support me and help me whenever it was needed. He said that he didn`t care, I was on my own. I told him to never talk to me ever again.
I now fake my days with my simple man. I put on a smile, but I burn inside for Travis. I would kill to have him beside me. I would kill to make canapies under my bed sheets, chase him around in the meadow, fall asleep beside him, go skating together, watch daytime tv and hold eachother. Things that were once so simple, yet are engraved into my mind. I will never tell him how much I truly loved him. I will never let him know that I would do anything within my power to have things back to the way they were before. I just want to scream as loud as I can, because no one is listening. No one cares, no one sees what I saw in him. I wish and hope that he finds happiness within himself. I haven`t decided what to do yet. I don`t want to have a baby, but I almost want to now. The only piece I have left of him. My Travis. My love.