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I "can't" Be With Him

I was born in Acapulco, Mexico. Raised here in California in the same city since 4 month of age.  I don't know why, but somehow My family still hasn't gotten papers. I am classified as an illegal immigrant. Ever since I recognized this, It tore me down. It makes me feel like a prisoner on this Earth. There is this HUGE planet and I can't even explore it because of you know what. My family is always scared to let me go places, to take me places of long distance because of you know what.

But in sophomore year in high school, I met my boyfriend. I automatically fell in love with him, and him with me. we have been together for a couple of years.  We really truly LOVE each other. "LOVE" that word to us truly makes us happy together, because when we say it, we mean it. I wake up and am still dreaming about him throughout the day........He gave me a promise ring for our second Christmas we shared together. It is silver and has our names written on the top. I love that when he tells me a promise I know that he takes it to heart. His kisses are sweet and his hugs make me feel safe. Every time I hug him, I can smell the familiar scent of his skin which prevents me from letting go of him. I don't ever want to loose him. We are so comfortable together, maybe even too comfortable for our age, but its all love. Every night I go to sleep wishing that when I open my eyes he would be there laying next to me with is arms around me, waiting to give me a heart warming kiss.......

Well now we are seniors in high school and waiting to take a huge step into the world. I don't know exactly what I want to do or what I can do because I am illegal here.  The only thing i know I can do is go to a community college. Big Whoop! I wish I would be able to go to a university like my boyfriend is going, but cant. 

Now that the end of school is going to hit us across the face before we know it, we are wondering what is going to happen between us. He wants to go to a University, which is great and have no problems with it. But the only thing is that its far from here and I don't know If I can go with him. If I do, we could get an apartment together while I go to a community college near by, but the thing is that in order to get a good amount of student aid, he would have to live in the dorms for a year. so we cant do that. He was even thinking to just stay here and just go to this community college to be with me, which is cute, but am NOT letting him. He is way too good for that......And the last option we have is to get married this year, so I could get my papers the next and go to a University together.......

Although I would love to marry him, I feel like I am forcing him to. I don't want to be a burden to him. And he know that if we get married that he also wouldn't get a lot of money from the gov. to help for the University.........I'v been crying because I don't want him to stress out. I feel that I have to break up with him to let him do him. That way he can just go the a University without worrying about me, and just focus in his studies. 


I wish I had my papers, I wish we could be together. i wish I could have married him when we were ready......but now I know that I will never wake up next to him, holding me.
Diana721 Diana721 22-25, F Sep 26, 2010

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