Confusing

I will never understand how I can hate somebody yet still love them-and if not love, then deeply care about. So my story starts this way. I was dating this guy on and off (more On than off) for 3 years total through High school. He would do me wrong like cheat on me on a regular basis and then come back claiming how sorry he was and I'd take him back as I always did. I even left somebody who treated my like a princess to go back to him. Anyway, after about 2 years I though he had really changed for the better. But appearently I was wrong again. because toward the end of our third year together I finally decided to sleep with him for the first time (like he'd wanted all along) and I thougt things were going great until I thought I could be preggo and he ran away like he's always done, only this time to never return. After that I hoped he'd call me and say he was sorry or that he atleast wanted to give us some sort of chance of something. I hoped because after all the time we had been together and after everything I forgave him for and all the times I kept people from beating the Sh** out of him, I deserved something, ANYTHING would be better than what I got. But of course he wasn't changing his mind.

I'll never understand why but sometime in that 3 years I really did love him. I don't know when it started, it just kinda crept up on me, but I know I can't make this feeling go away, Trust me I've tried. And I guess that's why I let him hurt me all the time like he did. I figured he must love me too especially if he kept coming back. But now, I hate him, even after all this time it's been I still hate, and still care about him. I mean, I'd really love to see somebody beat the crap out of him sometimes, but at the same time I almost want him to come back. But I REFUSE to put myself back where I can be hurt ever again. I know eventually all these feelings should go away and I'll be content with what happened, But I think that day is probably still pretty far down the road.

 

Sorry It's such a long story, but If you read this far thanks for sticking with it. 

TJinFL TJinFL
18-21, F
2 Responses Apr 15, 2007

I haven't been on the receiving end of a ****** boy friend. I am at times really horrible to my boyfriend, and make him think I don't care, when I really do. I have fights in my head about why I do the things I do. I even say I don't love him in my head, but I always end up saying I do love him when push comes to shove. We're not a very typical couple, so I don't know if our dynamics are comparable, but the result is the same: we feel horrible for feeling so distant. We have a son on the way, and just today I was saying that perhaps I should live somewhere else, and neither of us like that solution. I have a lot of issues that can't really be summed up in a comment. I can't offer any good advice because that would make me a hypocrite, but I really hope that things look up for you.

I know how you feel. No matter how much he hurts you or what happens you still love him, for whatever small reason and it sucks. You can't talk to anyone because they just tell you to get rid of him, but you love him too much. You're stuck in a catch-22. It's a horrible feeling to hate loving someone. It's emotionally draining and you feel stupid and obligated and generally bad. I know I dont have much advice to offer but I know how you feel and I'm right here with you.