I Love Him, I Truly Do But I Also Hate Him.

When I first met him, I had no intentions. I didn’t want to be his GF, I didn’t want to date him, I didn’t want to sleep with him, and I certainly didn’t even see myself as being anything more than an acquaintance. At first I only befriended him to prove to someone that I could, little did I know; he and I ended up having so much in common. We both enjoyed the Geeky things in life, like: reading Manga and playing MMORPG’s and for a long time our friendship remained innocent.
The day we decided to cross the line between lovers and friends was the same day I began to realize I liked him entirely too much. His friends would often tease him about spending so much time with me but instead of ignoring them he chose to ignore me. This game he was playing went on for months before I decided that I didn’t even want to see him anymore, but every time I would walk away he would show up and beg for forgiveness and every time I forgave him like an idiot.
Eventually things got serious, but that didn’t stop him from having relations outside of our relationship, I never had any proof but one drunken night I caught him. I didn’t even mean to, I just so happen to be there at the time it occurred. I hated him for that, more so because it happened just a few days after a traumatizing experience I thought he and I both shared, but in truth only I was effected by it.
I refused to talk to him, I became physically ill, I could eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t even leave my dorm room without a heavy feeling of depression, but then something sinister took over me. I decided that I wanted him to hurt as much as he had hurt me. This of course did not work, before I did anything stupid my gut told me that my plan would only work if he had any feelings for me and after everything that happened it was obvious that my emotions were unrequited.
Time passed and I had gotten better, not over him or the pain but better. I could laugh again, I could speak again, and more importantly I realized that the people who I called my friends were the best support I could ever ask for. I will always be grateful to them for being there for me. One day my friends… no my sisters convinced me to go dancing with them. Reluctantly I went, I owed them that much. The party was boring but he wasn’t there, and that made all the difference to me. I could enjoy my night without a tainting presence around me. Strangely enough his friends were at this party, and like something out a bad and twisted movie each one of them attempted to take me home. I laughed off the passes even shrugged off the massage one of them started to give me bar.
Despite the weirdness, I got home exhausted that night. Too tired to dream too tired to think. Instantly I went to bed. I woke up and much to my surprise he had texted me in the middle of the night, I ignored him. Although almost a month had gone by he seemed to think he could just pick up where we left off and everything would be ok. Angry I decided at that very moment that I hated him; a word I use so rarely when talking about people had become my new title for him. He was the one man in this world I hated most.
Jumping forward, my roommate, a friend or ours and I went on a road trip to Ohio. He was going to be there too because the trip was on me, I picked a separate hotel. It was bad enough that we would be at the same event. I didn’t want life to be as cruel as to put me on the same floor as him if we stayed in the same hotel.
He and I have many mutual acquaintances, and a few mutual friends. One of my friends is his best’s friends GF so of course when we got to Ohio, her BF came to visit her. During my time of depression I did a lot of drinking, more drinking than I will ever do in my life. I guess it’s good that I did it while I was young because it only took me two weeks to see that crawling into the bottom of a bottle won’t solve your problems. It was faith that helped me get through. While my friend’s BF was there many drinking games were played. I say in the corner and read a book. Eventually he got tired of me being so quiet and decided that he was going to pick me up, walk four blocks down to his hotel and drop me right in the lap of the person I hated most. As soon as he put me down, I immediately apologized to everyone around and left, but as I knew he would my friends BF grabbed me and locked me in an empty room. He was very aware of what happened and how I felt. He was also very drunk. I sat in the room with a guy I barely even knew. He asked me if I needed help I said yes so he used his key to unlock the door, but again like something out a bad movie the man I had tried so hard to avoid was standing right outside the door.
He was lied to, he was told that I was kicked out of my hotel room and that I was going to be sleeping in my car. He begged me to take his bed he even offered to sleep on the couch but again I tried to leave I might have tried three times to escape before I started to cry and just sat down. I told him I would just wait until he fell asleep then I would go. His roommate sensing the tension, saw himself out of the room and like I knew he would he began to beg and lie and plea.
I told him I hated him, I told him I didn’t care anything about him but despite this I ended up staying well into the morning talking about random cartoons and his friendship with my mother. Before he went to bed he told me that he was done with the lies that he was tired of the games and that he wanted me and only me. I told him to tell me that when he was sober and I left. We returned to NY and he sent me text saying exactly what he had told me in his hotel room. I agreed to give him one more chance, and the next day he was making out with a girl in a bar. Livid I decided to confront him, and left my night was ruined but instead of leaving I laughed it off and continued to have fun with my sisters. The night died down and I decided I was going to go back to the dorms. When I walked out of the bar he was busy trying to convince a different girl to go home with him. I laughed caught a cab and ended up safely in my own bed. He was dead to me.
After that night he texted me over and over again asking if he could visit, I said nothing, I didn’t care. Finally he found the courage to show up at my door. Angry that I was looking at him I pushed the door closed but he left himself in anyway. I told him to take his stuff and leave he stood there staring at me as if he had no idea what I was talking about. When I got so angry I could no longer hold it in I let him know everything I was thinking, only this time, I screamed so loud everyone on my floor could hear me. He denied everything as I knew he would. I tried to hit him but he’s much stronger than me and was able to restrain me. When he let me go, I calmed myself down and once again asked him to leave. He walked out not taking any of his belongings, I reminded him to take his things and he simply said “keep them.” I didn’t want them.
I guess the yelling is what I needed because I felt better about everything afterwards. I didn’t ignore him, but I also didn’t speak to him. I just went about my life the way I had before he and I crossed the line. Soon after I received orders from my boss that required me to talk directly to him. As we spoke I realized he was a jerk in relationships but he wasn’t a bad person. He asked me if we could go back to being friends he even fed me a piece of cake. I told him we could text but that would be as far as I would go. He agreed, and that’s how things went.
Months went by and he and I barely spoke. I ignored him he ignored me we meant nothing to each other. One day a mutual friend of ours asked me why he and I weren’t speaking I told him I was just over the whole thing. Trying to help his friend out he begged and pleaded with me to give him one more chance. I told him that even if I tried the year that passed was so bad that I don’t think that either of us would take the relationship seriously, but I was wrong. He actually wanted to speak to me, he actually wanted to see me, and for some odd reason he wanted me to meet his new friends. I didn’t even want to be around him. I treated him like crap most of the time and still he wanted to see me all the time. One day after hanging out he decided that he was going to tell me something he told me that he loved me. I quickly corrected him, I told him he may have love for me but he doesn’t love me. That last line was my cue to go. I put on my flip flops and headed out the door. He begged me to stay but as his feeling meant nothing to me, I left anyway.
The next day he asks me what I was going to be doing, I told him I was going to the apple store and he asked if he could come. I didn’t see the harm in that so I said okay. When I showed up at his apartment he told me he left his wallet upstairs. I told him I’ll wait for him to get it but he said he had no idea where it was and it would take him a while to find it. So reluctantly I went upstairs with him. When we got to his apartment I could hear a man on the phone in his room, so I sat on the living room couch. I had told him numerous times that I didn’t want to meet any of his new friends and that I wanted no part of his life other than just hanging out from time to time. When he noticed I wasn’t behind him he came to find me. He said he wanted to introduce me to someone. Much to my surprise he introduced me as his GF, I just looked at him and laughed. I’m not rude so I talked to his friend while he “looked for his wallet.” Next thing I know I’m in a room full of guys watching people get slapped on YouTube. Eventually I missed my apple appointment and announced my departure, him and his friends begged me to stay they wanted to go to the movies or something. When I refused they took my wallet and put it on the highest surface they could find and wouldn’t let me leave.
When it was too late for me to take the train I got mad and asked him to take me home. He said he was too tired and that he was going to sleep on the sofa and that I could take his bed. It didn’t happen that way. He fell asleep next to me and I ended up on the couch. Halfway through the night he picked me up and put me in the bed. He said he didn’t mean to fall asleep and I shouldn’t have to be uncomfortable for him. It was a sweet gesture but I still didn’t care.
I woke up and he was gone he had gone to work. As I was getting my stuff together he had come in and asked me to stay. I don’t know why but I said ok and I went back to bed. When he came back from work he was exhausted but right behind him were the friend from the night before. He and one of the guys decided to go to the store which left me alone in an apartment with a guy I barely knew. He started to speak and he told me all this mess about how he could see we loved each other and it was a shame that my guy could see such a nice girl sitting right in front of him. On that note I went home, and much to my surprise my guy was angry with me for leaving.
I told him I had better things to do but he knew I was joking. Throughout the summer we spent a lot of time together as friends but as time went on he began to like me more and more. By the time September rolled around he was madly in love. Crazy in love to the point where it put him in the hospital because that is all he would talk about. It was so bad people thought I used voodoo but the only thing plaguing him was the fact that he had lost my affection when it was at its purest.
Now, this is where a stand. A man who loves a woman to death and would do anything for her if it is within his power and the woman who loves the man back but hates him for everything he has done to her. Every day I wake up tortured by my own thoughts and mental images that he can never make go away not even with a star. I love him, as I always have, and I would never want to see anything bad happen to him but then there are days that all I want is to see him hurt like I hurt and as the anniversary of my pain creeps closer and closer my feelings of love are becoming weaker and weaker. The truth is that I don’t want to leave him it would hurt too much, but I also can’t forgive him for what he has done. He has made so many changes and trust isn’t the issue. I just don’t believe that one could go from caring nothing about an individual to loving them insanely in such a short time frame (October 18th 2012 – January 9th 2013) he even says he wants to get married as soon as possible. Even if his love is real, I don’t feel like it is and it hurts me to pretend that I do. I love him I truly do but I also hate him.
I don’t know what to do.
Shengi Shengi
22-25, F
1 Response Jan 9, 2013

You do know what to do, go with your gut instinct and with your head since your heart will be completely unreliable at this time being split in two minds. It did not work out previously for a reason he hurt you, do you really want to accept a relationship giving the message that what you did was ok, fine & didn't really matter. Forget him he is occupying too much of your mental space; and don't you deserve better. Like a stuffed cat toying death with a mouse when it has no interest in eating. He didn't want you when he had you, can't have you all of a sudden desperately needs; you what a child.

Asking almost the impossible but it is a must for you to move on is that you have to truly forgive him for whatever he did, or else he'll always have hooks on you because you never let go. It would be nice to say he's showing signs of love and truly regretting what he's missing out on so why not go for it, but that would be terrible grievous advice. As can you imagine being deeper in this mess of a relationship, dragging this out with the risk of suffering more heartache and pain than you've already been through. He is not worth your health and wellbeing this cycle of love hate madness. This is just my advice you are an adult after-all and can make up your own mind but be prepared to suffer the consequences of round two.

Plunge into life break free from this be happy and enjoy your life (he's not the only man on the planet lol). Work play hobbies pampering holidays whatever it takes focusing on building up happiness, inner peace, joy and love (yourself and others don't go into emotional shutdown). True love stands all tests, the test of time (so let him wait while you live a little) keep in mind that true love could never imagine hurting you and wouldn't have do so in the first place.