Too Emotionally Exhausted By the Bastard to Come Up With a Clever Title
I too love
him and hate him. And I hate hating him which makes me hate him more. I think my face is growing more unattractive with my hate. That also makes me hate him more. He is easy to hate: self-righteous, narcissistic, hypocritical/projectionist, unforgiving, not true-to-his-word, and verbally abusive. It's also easy to love him: sexy, smart, loyal, sensitive...sometimes, funny, and a good friend to his friends. i think.
okay, now i'm definitely wrapped around hate more than love: he's called me a *********, a racist, a *****, a ****, he's inferred that i'm stupid, crazy, lazy, selfish, and everything that i just told you HE was (see paragraph above). those are just the main ones that come to mind. then there is also the way he twists every good thing about my personality and makes it negative somehow. if anything i say or do is ambiguous, then he errs on the side of bad-bad me. he has not earned so much mistrust of me.
he interrupts--constantly. even when i raise the white flag or offer to meet him halfway on an issue, he persistently picks at the scab from the scar he left. the only thing that softens him to me is when i DO something for him, BUY something for him, F-CK him, PRETTY UP for him, etc. it has to be about HIM. if he hears me, say, being a good friend to my friends or doing the right thing this place or that, nope. nothing. that's irrelevant. and he WASN'T this way when he was wooing me, which makes me resent him.
So I leave him. And he begs me to come back. When I do, it's within DAYS that whatever valid reasons I had for leaving him are no longer--now that he's been thinking--valid reasons. And then he just turns into the same ******* he was that made me want to leave in the first place.
And then he does something sweet, something sexy, and I'm back into the warm and fuzzies.
And then the letdowns.
And so it goes.
Can you feel me?