Stilling Confused

I was with guy for 4 years, we meant when I was still in middle school and he was in high shcool. (I was 14 and he was 17). When I frist met him I had this crush he was one of those guys hot guys that the grils could fall his looks. Besides I told my slef to young I don't have a chance. But I had a chance to be friends with him, he was fun to hung out. He was serouis and lay back kind of kind. He had this qiute to him that it would make me nervous and scared. I remember we sat outside talking about his family there were problems going on. He could say nothing other then, "I don't understand why my family as to act the way they do?" I looked at him as stared into the night and I thought I had to make him smile. So I said, "If it makes u feel better my family is carzy."  HIs lighted up and she smiled and it metaled my heart. The smile made the rest of the nite. It tool a year to know that he liked me when he made his move and kissed me. After that we kissed and secterlty went out, which felt like I stroy. I wasn't allowed to date no boys until 16 year old. Two years away I couldn't wait that long so I did the bad girl thing and snuk around. I remember our second date. OH my god it was underneath the stars and setting on a blacnket and he had dinner it was BIg MAc. LOL Someone would say it was chip but it was thoughtful I love Big MAC"S and he knew that I rather have that then some fancey dinner. We went through a lot we borke up severl times and once we went through 3 mouths. Then he had sex with some other girl and now she was pargent. What was I suppose to do? He now was getting married to this women? I was man and wanted him to leave her. I hadted him for that beacuse it was suppose to be me!! I tried to move on with someone with guy named Erain her was a good guy, work and is own house he was great but different. I had things going on in my life and Erin wasn't for me to talk to so I went to my best friend's house which was no good either. Her husdand was Alex's best friend, my frist love. I coul'd stared at him and he had been calling me and eamiling me for the last few weeks of him being married to her . He wanted to talk to me but I couldn't talk to him. But finally sat out there and tallk about anything about my problems I cried and I cried. Then I was in is arms and y'all know the rest... he broke it off with is girl and I borke it off with Erian I told him the truth I felt bad but me and Alex were to gether after that we went for 2 years stright. I was happy u could tell that about me. He talked about getting but it wouldn't be quick it would be after I am out of college and he had life strighten. But it never happened becuase he was shot in a cross fire and and dead. I didn;t cry I guess it was becuase of the have the experincing of dealing with death so much that i could deal with. I i thoug weeks after it my friends Jimmy was with me he all ways with me all my friends were. I couldn't sleep or eat. Jimmy dieced one day just to **** me off and tell me to cry hit waht ever I had to do but show emoation. I walk away tried everything but like every guy he didn't understand the word no I fianlly yelled screamed hit. HAs he held me and told me to let it out, "it's okay it's all right." But i sreamed, "No no!!! NO It wasn't. He prosimed he said he would never leave me. He promised" And he did the night we wree together he told me it killed him not to wake up and see me. He wasn't the same and the fact that he didn't love the women he was about to marry and that it wasn't me. We both changed the night. He never broke a proisme to me never until now. I kept on srecming "I hate! I hate him! He left, he can't."


Six months later I with his sister and his daughter in my arms. We talk and laughed and talked about him. I miss him and I am trying to move on I just think it's harder then I thought it would be. I tired to move on with other people but they are not him...I even dream about. I hate him what happen to him becuase he still hunt my dreams

Nicole Nicole
18-21, F
Sep 28, 2006