I Love Him So Much It Hurts

I do.  I truly do.  I have loved him since I met him.  I have been addicted to his touch since I first experienced it.  His gentleness has captivated me.  The kindness in his eyes can melt my anger.  The strength in his arms can shelter me from everything.  My entire body cries when I am not with him. 

When he is at his worst, I see him at his best.  In his mistakes, I see perseverance.  In his weakness, I see courage.  In his past, I see what made him.  In his future, I see all that he will become. 

When I look into my heart, I see him.  When I close my eyes, I feel him.  While my contentment comes from within, he is my lighthouse, shining my way home. 

Why do I feel this way?  He has cast me aside.  He has shown me his anger.  He has shown me his immaturity.  He has been rude, dismissive, and careless.  He has been short-sighted and quick-tempered, he has been impatient and unkind. 

Yet in his anger, I feel his fear; in his immaturity, I see his imperfection; in his rude, dismissive attitude, I feel his frustration.  When he is careless and short-sighted, I am understanding.  When he is quick-tempered, I am patient and kind when he cannot be.

Does he know how I see him?  Does he realize how perfect he is in my eyes?

When I am scared, he is my protector.  When I feel alone, he is my comfort.  He is there for me before I ask.  He knows my pain before I feel it, and understands it better than me.  He guards my body from harm, and my heart from pain.  He is the love of my life.   

My love for him is beautiful, but my love for myself must be even more so.  Why can I not have both?  Why must I love myself more than him, and so not be with him?  When will he see the beauty in my love, the beauty in my heart?

Will he ever love me the way I love him?  Will I ever be able to love another with this perfection if he does not return my affections?

Bella724 Bella724
26-30, F
49 Responses Nov 30, 2007

The hardest part for me is that I made a huge mistake nearly two years ago to this amazing man I have, I was lost and confused and lonely and I lashed out in a way that I can't even fathom doing now....I just love him so much and I just wish I could go back and change it all, show him how much I love him, prove to him that I am worthy of his love, which I still feel like I am not, he deserves so much better than me....it's so hard for me as a mom of two young boys, I feel like I fail them on a daily basis...I can't change my past but coming from a girl who used to drown her sorrow with opiates, I feel like it is pretty damn amazing that though all this madness I have never relapsed, I feel like I am a strong woman but I still have all these insecurities and know in my heart he deserves and can do better than me. My children too. Sometimes I think they would all be better without me, but I love my kids so much I could never do that to them, it's rough being in a relationship that isn't partnership, it's hard at 26 to feel like I am being controlled yet I don't know how to change it when I deserve everything I get...maybe one day he will love more than just enough to make me stay and love me like what I think I deserve. I literally cry so much hoping and pray to the Lord that one day he can forgive me for faults, but I can't change who I am, I am a crazy, ******, overweight, selfish piece of **** pretty much...someday I will be worthy of his love....but until then I will continue to do my damndest to prove my worth, hoping and praying constantly that one day he will realize how sorry I am for what I did and how I am nothing but an embarrassment to him, I can’t help who I am. I just want him to love me for me, faults and all, I know I don't deserve it, I have always dreamt that one day I would have this charmed life, the opposite of my parents, that my husband and I would do better, that I would do better, that I would be better than the piece of **** I am....sometimes I seriously think that they would all be better without me. Heart breaking for me, but more so for my family. They deserve better..........

so beautiful

that is exactly how I feel. knowing that I am not the only one to feel this way has really helped. Hopefully knowing that you are not alone will help

i am drunk inlove too thnx alot ey

I feel exactly like that and really helped me

I loved it (:

so awesome on so many levels.it spoke,my true feeling sent it to my fiance .thanks alot.so beautifully expressed.

Thank you for expressing this so beautifully. I have sent this page to my boyfriend to help him understand my love for him, and how much I give him, always hoping my wholehearted love will be returned. You are modelling grace to him. While it can be dangerous for your heart, I know why you do it, I do the same. I pray that one day the man you love will fully understand what that grace is, and that my man will too. I don't know about you, but I am a christian. And the only reason I can love someone this way, love someone through hurt and pain, is because God first loved me in my own brokenness and shame. Perhaps you have the same experience, or maybe someone else in your life modelled this love to you. Either way, it is a gift. Bit don't give your gift without guarding your heart. You are a superwoman. This song is for you, me, and all the women out there who give and love.....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AphKUK8twg

I could relate on this..I wished they loved us the way we do.

Omg that is exactly how I feel about my man, I love him so much .. that I'm willing to turn my back on him if he doesn't see my worth around my finger

I want my love to know that I feel this way everyday, it is never ending. It was so well put and the description was so exact, wow... I am soooo inlove!

first wow, the top portion of this sounds exactly how I feel...wow, I'm blown away.

Your writing is amazing. And totally hit the spot. Its so true for me. Its as if you just saw into my soul and wrote about me and my guy. Thank you. I'm not alone. I truly appreciate your fearless honesty.

ahh it's totally his lose because you seem like a very lovable person.. You'll get someone better next time that will appreciate you for the awesome person you are and be picky in who you date you deserve the best sweetie... you go girl... oxo

I feel you. Same boat. Same hurt, same painful tiring holding on to something no one really understands. You put it so aptly. Thank you, it took away some of my pain

...wow, that guy has no clue how lucky he is. Sorry, hopefully he gets it before its too late.

Very beautifully captured - how so many women in love feel.

Oh my word! Minus the hurt i feel everything you feel this is what i wanted to say out loud for the longest while but you have inspired me to write it down and i will thank you so very much!!!

This sounds like my 32 year relationship w/a Stanford MBA Narcissist. Started at 15/16 yrs old. YO !!!! Anyone thinking this is a fantasy love story is being MANIPULATED !!! Sounds peachy keen... f'ed up stuff

oh my goodness! this is exactly how i feel for that guy i think could be my soulmate..seriously! i can never tell him though and the circumstances make it impossible..but i am so in love that i could just cry..and i do..thinking about him endlessly..wishing i could tell him..you summed it up..thanks

im definitely in your position, in love with a guy that circumstances won't allow us to be together but i think about him every moment i breathe we stay in contact and it hurts so much that i may never have him to love him with all the love i have for him, he has never once been angry or mean or rude to me, not once and im not disillusioned its the truth; i fear so much having to love someone else and feel like i cant love them the way i should because still i love him

thank you so much. This is beautyful you are very talented. You put into words exactly what i feel. Feels good to be understood and i thank you for that. Wish u the best off luck , im sure he feels the same way , beacuse chemestry is something between two people that both exsprience.

i know how u feel, i hope he shares ur feelings and u get to spend life together i.e. nothing prevents u from being together forever...

so beautiful

wow i have never read something so powerful in my life thank you for posting

Beautifully accurate...

This is exactly how I feel about my best friend and my neighbour...='(<br />
I'm 15 and he's 11... Is it wrong if the female partner is older than the male partner? <br />
I'm really LIL right now, (Lost in love) <br />
sometimes,I think he likes me...But sometimes,not...

Exactly how I feel about my male teacher. D:

just tell him how you feel. print this story of yours and let him read it.

last year i meet my boyfriend he was an Indian from south India i really love him so much we date in august till January tis year,everything was going well and we really love each other so much,he buys me gifts,we go watch movie or had dinner out than one day he told that he can not married me and continue the relationship coz its against his religion coz he was catholic and i am Methodist. i was really sad and broken heart when he told that, i cry every night coz he was my true love and my only one who i want to spend my life with.he is now in india at his home and me i am far away from him,please need help will i meet him oneday or he would come to me oneday pls help anyone

You make me crying ,i feel the samething i never was thinking i was going to hurt so much.


Oh my god, I love him soo much. I love more then myself. Guys plz help me. When you hear my sad story. I been with my boy friend for 4 years. We did everything together. We shared so many moments, good moments, and bad moments. I meet his family 3 years ago. And meet my family as well. His family love me so much. His mother is like my own mother. She tells me everything, and knows that. So he stay away from his mam. Means he dont tell her anything. Because he know that she will tell me. Anyway one day his mother called me, and telling me, he make a woman pregent, after that he mirred her, we are muslims and if a muslim men make a woman pregent, he must mirred her. No metter what. Now she had a baby boy. His mother tells me everynight. I know my son. His not happy, his not in a good life. He dont love her. He just dont know what he get in to himself. His doing his best to get out of this life. And she hates his wafe like there no tomorow. Then we see eachother, he dont talk to me. He look away. Also then he sees me, and I dont see him. He run away before I see him. The sadless of his face make me cry. I swaer I love more then my 2 eyes. I get 2 jobs to stay busy so I can just forget him. I did everything I could. I just get over him. When I sleep, im dreaming about him. When im at work. I think about him. I cant eat or sleep like I use too. I dont know what to do. Im going crezy. Plz help me someone.

These are the words my mind couldn't form. I love you for writing this ! I love this so much. I love him so much.

Very nice i love it. It speaks 4 me.

I am strongly touched by your nice words and deep love to him. I am also have the exact feeling as you.It just like he is your whole life ,whthout you ,you can not go on living.<br />
I fall in love with a UK man who is an English teacher in China.He is my home .before him,I am so alone and lonely .Falling in love with him ,is the most beautiful thing in my whole life.<br />
i love him so much ,and he loves me in the way I do.We show our love and care to each other .Although we have not had the chance to feel each other in person ,but my heart is in him and his in me.<br />
I can do anything to make him happy ,and he want to do anything to make me happy.<br />
I love him so much that I even forget who I am,Without him,life is meaningless ,with him ,I am the richest woman in the world. I know there are many barriers in front of us,But I am not afraid of them,not afraid how much time I should wait or how much pain will come up through the way we love each other.<br />
I wanna be with him ,be his wife ,be his life companion ,to care for him and to be cared by him.

You strongly touched me by so beautiful words and by so sincere love for him. Yes ,love someone is so blessing ,even if he is not love you in the way you love.But you are still happy that he can be in your life.Then ,you can have a chance to show your love or even so lucky to experience the love between you together.Love is blind ,once you really fall in love with someone special ,you will be the most beautiful woman in the world.<br />
I myself is experiencing such true love .I come from China, but i desperately fall in love with a UK man who is a English Teacher in China.It is the most beautiful thing for me to have found this love .He is my home .Even though,we have not had the chance to feel each other in person ,but my heart is always in him ,and his in me.I feel I can not go without him.All my thought is about him.It just like my life is just begin when I fell in love with him .<br />
He is my whole world and my entire hope for life.<br />
He is my everything.<br />
With him,I could sacrifice everything from me.I love him so much ,so deep ,so sincere ,and he also love me in the same way,.

I love him , love him, love him, god I love him soooooooooooo much I wanna say it to him. Make his mine pls!!!!!!!

It's like the same feelings I have for my lover. He is my god I love him as much as I respect him. He has been so much rude to me. but I 've never got angry. I feel him and I wanna be with him. Oh god I love him. Make him mine pls that's the only thing I needed from u.

wow is all i have to say am 18 years and have been dating with my boy-friend for 4years he is 19 by the way. We broke up these year *sad* i have never been so heart-broken! But i guess life goes on today i know why i still love him and it's all thanx to you xoxo!

wow........that touched me. they get so moody lik a girl on her periods. one minuite they the best thing. next thing u knw hes ****** u off !

TRUESTORY:My best friend found a boyfriend and no affence i thought she could do alot better. A few weeks after he broke up with her, she was heart broken and i had no idea why he wasnt that good was he? Another week after that she still wasnt over him and we all went out drinking at the weekend he was soo drunk and acting like a fool all night, untill he sobbered up. Our eyes touched eachother when we walking down to the old tesco he wouldnt stop saying hi to me but i couldnt lie i was starting grow to him. Sooner than i would think he had his arm around me and we were stuck together all night but when he turned round to me and said "Sorry" i asked him what for then he kissed me gently on the cheek and then whisperd to me "for that". I really thought i was falling for him then, the rest of the night we were kissing and that moment i never shared a thought for my bestfriend but she didnt see us. When the night came to an end we had our last kiss and then left eachother. I was walking with my best friend on the way home and this boy told her about me and her ex and she went crazy but she wouldnt talk to me. After that she wouldnt talk to me at all but i couldnt see what i done wrong he finished with her ages ago. That night i couldnt sleep he was the only thing on my mind. days after we saw each other talked online and i still liked him the same way i did the first night i met him, but soon he drifted away from me :( . after the october holidays we starting hanging out again but he was going out with this girl soon enough she became on of my new bestfriends too but i cant belive what i done that ruined our friendship. I was talking to him on msn flirting with him and everything, one thing lead to another and soon enough he was cheating on chloe with me! Now hes going to get batterd by one of the hardest boys at our school on sunday.Just dont hope he dont get hurt cause i think i Love him </3

I love this so much. Is it possibale to feel this way to someoneyou have never spoke to or is like twice your age? I God hopes so! Everytime i close my eyes and he is there. i cant standnot seeing him! I cry when i dont see him. Bad thing is today i found out he is with someone else...Gutted! xxxx<br />
Help Help Help!

me too,i also lurve him very much.does he knows that i like him?does he likes me the same?

What a beautiful story I know exactly what you mean my Husband has Depression and sometimes is sweet and caring then gets all moody with anger and nastiness this is such a difficult relationship do we stay or do we go?

sometimes feelings can hurt even if they are full of the best intentions. maybe he does feel the same know one can truely look into another's heart and see all the answers. I KNow how feel buh dw 2 much

firstly...i respect u for ur great love feeling an dis is my short advice to u ,,,whr thr is true love...,expections,doubt does not exist...so be free to love him...stay happy forever..n ever


this was so well written, i loved it and i know just how you feel.

sometimes feelings can hurt even if they are full of the best intentions. maybe he does feel the same know one can truely look into another's heart and see all the answers..<br />
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